It was cold. Geneva blinked once and whimpered, “Mama, I’m cold.”
“I’ll get you another blanket, sweetie,” came Rachel’s voice through a haze. “Mama stepped out for a minute to get a bite to eat.”
Geneva blinked again. The light was dim and hazy. She hurt somewhere, but she could not tell where. It just seemed that there was an unhappy feeling somewhere in her body. She tried to move her leg, and winced when the dull unhappiness intensified. She let a tiny moan escape her lips.
Rachel moved toward her with a blanket and threw it over her, then tucked the edges around her shoulders tightly. “There, that should be better. You’ll be warm in a minute.”
“Where am I?”
“In your hospital room.”
“What happened?”
“Oh, the usual. You wandered off from the group like a very bad camper and tried to mess with a wild boar. He was considerably bigger than you, and his teeth a lot sharper. Do you remember?”
Geneva tried to move her leg again and winced. “Oh. Yes. Somebody saved me.”
“Yep.” All your fantasies come true. The way I heard it, John came charging up on his white stallion right in the very teeth of the murderous beast and swept you right up out of the air. Too bad you were bleeding too bad to appreciate the moment.”
“John?”
“Uh-huh. Thank goodness Howard Knight was there. He had enough sense to stop and shoot the thing, or John would have gotten himself killed. Then, too, it was handy to have the carcass. We’ve sent the head off to see if it was rabid. You’d better hope those thirty-nine stitches is all it’s going to amount to.”
Geneva barely heard her. “Howard. Where is he?”
Rachel’s face registered surprise. “Right outside, with John and the others, waiting for you to come around.”
Geneva moved again. The fog was lifting, and the pain was more real. “I want to see him.” She felt desperate.
Rachel paused, then said slowly, “All right. I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear that. Did… did you two make up or something?”
“No. I want to tell him that I love him.” She began to feel the tears well up in her heart and in her eyes. All she could think about was how much she needed to see her lover.
Rachel drew in a sharp breath. “Honey, are you fully awake? I mean, if you really want to see him, I’ll go get him. I guess… I mean, I thought you’d want to see John first, at least to thank him.”
“Oh, Rachel, I love him! Please go get him! Even if he doesn’t want to come! Please, beg him if you have to.” She sobbed aloud.
Rachel’s beautiful face grew very concerned. “Geneva, honey. Sure. If you want me to, just talk to me for a minute. I didn’t know you still felt this way. Are you sure you want to see him? I mean, I know he’ll be happy, he told me how much he is in love with you, about how he and the others searched for you all night, and how worried he had been when he found you’d been sick, but Geneva, why have you changed your mind?”
It was too difficult to explain. “Oh, Rachel, he took care of me. And he was so beautiful up on the cliff, and he danced for me, and gave me gold, and he made the stars fall—Singing Eye’s tears!” She was crying in earnest now. “But now he hates me because I threw away the baby, and I was ashamed of him! You just don’t understand!”
Rachel laid her hand on Geneva’s forehead. “Okay, sweetie, try to think straight. You’ve been dreaming. Let’s start over. Who do you want to see?”
“Howard—Chap.”
“Who?”
“Howard.” She was feeling very focused now. She would have gotten out of bed and found him herself, but it hurt too much to move. “Bring him here,” she said weakly. I love him.”
“Are you sure? You want me to go get Howard Graves so you can tell him you love him after all? What about John? Don’t you want to maybe see him? Or think about it before you—”
“Not Howard Graves! Ta li! Howard Knight!” Geneva’s horrified mind raced ahead of her speech. Rachel did not know? How could she not know? She felt very confused again.
Rachel seemed to freeze for a moment, then she sat down suddenly and took Geneva’s hand. “Honey, you must have fever. I’m going to run get the doctor. He should have been here by now, anyway. Let’s just put off seeing anyone for now, okay? You’re going to be okay. You just need to sleep a little more.”
The tears welled up again. She felt so helpless, so powerless to make Rachel understand her need. Her tongue felt thick and useless. Miserable, she turned her face to the wall and wept.
She was drifting through sunshine and fog, and stars swirled around her like fireflies, bright yellow and flickering. She felt the sensation of riding again, galloping in slow motion along the forest floor with enormous trees towering overhead. And then the beast lunged at her with its dripping fangs until she screamed and sat up.
Pain shot through her leg. She was in a hospital room, white and sterile. Terrified, she grabbed at the rail of her bed and looked around wildly. Her mother was there. And her father. And she suddenly remembered why she was there and what had happened. She gasped at the reflections in her mind.
People came and went. Many of them poked at her and murmured over her. Sometimes she felt her mother’s cool hand and heard her father’s voice, low and comforting. She slept in a gray miasma.
It seemed like a long time before she found herself alone with Rachel again. Blue twilight had crept into the room so that Geneva felt nearly shrouded in darkness. She wanted to speak, but she did not know what to say. Rachel laid her hand on her sister’s forehead.
“Feeling better?”
“Yes. I’m awake now.”
“Good. You look better.”
“Where’s Mama and Daddy?”
Just stretching their legs. They’ve both been here ever since they brought you in. I kicked them out just before you woke up. You gave us a real scare, honeybunch.”
Geneva sighed and fought back more tears. “I know, I’m sorry. I thought I was going for help.”
“Yeah, I know. But you should have known better.”
“Jimmy Lee broke his leg.”
“Yes, and you could have been killed. This is the third time, in just about as many weeks that you have done something to hurt yourself. If you don’t watch it, you’re going to be so scarred up, you’ll have to join the circus. ‘The Incredible Scarred Woman! See the wounds on her elbow! Her forehead! All up the back of her leg!’ It’s a good thing Joe’s here. He’s a pain in the ass sometimes, but he’s a great plastic surgeon.”
“All right, all right. You’re making me feel really good.”
“So, you feel good enough to see anybody? There’s still a pack of people outside in the waiting room, Sally Beth, Lilly, John… and Howard… Graves. All of them have been here all day, and they’re all exhausted, but they won’t leave until they’ve seen you.”
Geneva lay quietly and watched Rachel. Her big sister returned her gaze anxiously. “What about Howard Knight?”
Rachel licked her lips. “He’s upstairs with Jimmy Lee, has been most of the day, except to stop in now and then to ask about you.”
“Oh. How’s Jimmy Lee?”
“Okay. It was a bad break, and he’s in traction, but he’ll mend.” She paused expectantly.
“I want to see him—Howard.”
Rachel nodded gravely. “Yes, you told me earlier. I thought you were dreaming—you were talking out of your head. You… you told me you were in love with him.”
“I am, Rachel. And I’m not out of my head.” Geneva’s eyes blazed with conviction. How hungry she was to see him! “He took care of me while I was sick, and somehow I—we fell in love. There’s so much more to him than you know.”
“Yes, hush.” Rachel’s voice grew gentle, and she continued slowly, carefully, “Geneva, I talked to Howard. I asked him why you might be talking like this, why you might thi—say you were in love with him. He said you’d been out of your head with fever for a few days and had gotten him mixed up with someone else, and that you had raved about all kinds of strange things. Honey, you must have been really sick.”
Geneva took this betrayal with equanimity. “Yes, I know he probably said that. He’s lying,” she said levelly, looking at Rachel directly in the eyes. “Rachel. This was real. I did not dream this. Just go get him. And tell the others to go home. I don’t want to see anybody else until tomorrow.”
Rachel broke eye contact first, and her sigh came after a long moment. “Okay, honey, I’ll go get him. You can talk it out with him.” She glanced at Geneva’s resolute eyes again, then sadly left the room.
She was gone a long time. Geneva lay quietly, wondering what she would say to him when she saw him, how long it would take to convince him that what they had was worth fighting for. She would have to convince him that she would not hurt him ever again. That might take some doing, but she would just start by telling him over and over again how much she needed him and loved him and wanted him. She was sure he would be hers. She almost smiled while she waited.
Much later, Rachel returned. Apologetically, she crossed to Geneva’s bed and stroked her arm. “He went home, honey. Jimmy Lee is stable, and there are others there with him, so he left. They said he might be back tomorrow.”
“He didn’t stop by to ask about me?”
“I don’t know. He’s been gone awhile. The others left when I told them to, before I went upstairs looking for him. Nobody said anything, though.” She looked uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, Geneva. Do you want me to call him at home?”
Geneva felt her stomach sinking. “No. I’ll wait. Thanks, Rachel.” She attempted a smile.
“I have to go now. Heavy tits,” she smiled. “Mama will stay the night. Howard—Graves—is staying at the house for now. The poor man is absolutely exhausted. I have a feeling everyone will be back tomorrow, though, so get some sleep.” She gave Geneva a worried smile. “We’ll begin sorting all this out tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay, Sis. Get home to your babies.”
“Yes. Goodnight.”
The night passed fitfully. It felt as if the glare in the hospital halls aimed to penetrate the walls of Geneva’s room and mock her lack of peace. Gaynell lay quietly in the cot next to Geneva and came to fuss over her so often that at last Geneva determined to lie absolutely still so that her mother would have no reason to check on her again. Towards morning she fell into a kind of half sleep, where her thoughts intermingled with her dreams so that they took on an unreal shape, and she began to mistrust her memory.
Had he said he loved her? Might it not have been real, what she thought she saw and felt? She remembered the joy in his face, and the anguish. She felt the dewy night caress her skin as he lifted her up into the offering of stars. Oh, yes, it was real. And the pain she had caused him was real, too, so real that he wanted her out of his life.
Then she would sleep and see the beast rushing at her, and the terror once again quickened her blood. Sometimes the boar would come right to her so that she would wake with a start, but sometimes it would disappear before it reached her, or she would find herself warm and floating in someone’s arms. Over and over again in her sleep she would think of love and danger and sorrow and pain. But sometimes, when the cycles seemed to be spinning out of control, the all-encompassing warmth would come to her, and she would float wordlessly in a kind of unknown bliss.
The nurses interrupted her sleep endlessly. Just when she would find herself at last facing the welcoming unconsciousness, in would come the bustling white figure to check her pulse and take her temperature. She grew more and more weary until at last she resolved to close her eyes and simply stop her brain.
That’s when Joe, the plastic surgeon who had stitched Geneva up twice already this summer, came in. It was an indignity to have him strip off the bandages on her leg and leer at it, but when she grudgingly rolled over and let him look at her wound, she vainly tried to gain a peek at her assaulted leg.
She closed her eyes and hoped that he had done as good a job with her leg as he had with her previous wounds. The scar in her hairline was becoming invisible, and the one on her elbow was insignificant. This, however, was a different matter.
“Joe, what does it look like?”
“Yummy. That boar knew you were a tasty treat.”
“I’m serious. Let me see.”
“Sure, doll.” He disappeared and a moment later, returned carrying a large mirror, positioning it so Geneva could see her wound. The sight caused her to gasp. An angry, wide, red line laced up with stitching ran down a ten inch length of her thigh, beginning just under her buttock. The wound was still hot and oozing, and Geneva wondered if she could ever wear a bathing suit again. Putting her face in the pillow, she wept softly.
“Come on, darlin’, I think that’s going to be about one of the sexiest scars I have ever seen.”
“Shut up, Joe.” said Geneva.
“You don’t like it? Hey, we’ll have you posing for Playboy by the end of the month.”
“You ever been sued for sexual harassment?”
“She means it,” warned Gaynell.
“Okay. Sorry. Just trying to make you feel better. Really, though, it doesn’t look as bad as I thought it might. If we can just keep infection at bay, we’ll be home free. The rabies test should be back this afternoon, and we just have to hope we got all the dirt out.”
“Thanks,” she muttered grudgingly.
“Sure. And really, Geneva. It won’t look bad when it’s all over. You’ve got great skin, and I’ll lay odds you’ll love this scar when I get through with it.”
“Yeah, yeah. What kind of odds?”
“If you don’t think I’ve worked miracles, I’ll take you to Grenada with me when I go down there to teach next winter.”
“Forget it. You’re married.”
“Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Sight of a pretty leg like that makes me think I’m available.”
“Mom, what’s my lawyer’s number?”
“Would it make you feel better if I told you that all I find interesting here is this neat little row of stitches?”
“Joe. When can I wear a bathing suit without being stared at?”
He considered this question thoughtfully. “Hmm,” he mused. “Twenty years?” He glanced at Gaynell. “How old are you, Gaynell?”
“Seventy-two.”
“Oh, then probably fifty years or so. Gotta get a little cellulite on you. Some spider veining.” He leered at Gaynell’s legs. “People quit staring at you in a bathing suit yet, Gaynell?”
Gaynell smiled. “Doc, you got a way with you. Your wife know you talk like this?”
“Why do you think she married me? Either that or my great prowess in certain parts of the house.”
“Joe,” warned Geneva.
“Yep, I’m a master in the kitchen, chopping is my specialty. And you should see me vacuum. Comes from all that practicing with the liposuction.”
Geneva thought about giving him a break, but squelched the impulse. “You know what I mean. Will this heal up without being too ugly?”
“Ugly? How can you ask that? You don’t know who you’re talking to! I do things with a needle and thread that other plastic surgeons only dream about. This scar will be so beautiful that you’ll be in here next year, asking me to put one on the other leg just like it.”
Geneva sighed. “When can I go home?”
“Why do you want to go home? We got every comfort here. Great, greasy, over-salted food, overbearing, pandering physicians, big, ugly nurses.”
“I’m telling.”
“Three days.”
“Tomorrow.”
“Two days.”
“Tomorrow afternoon.”
“Day and a half, if there’s no rabies or infection, and if you promise to let Wayne keep tabs on you.”
“Done.”
“That will be a thousand dollars.”
“Go away.”
“Can I kiss the back of your knee?”
“No.”
“What if I pay you a thousand dollars?”
She considered this, then figured he was kidding. She put her face back on the pillow and waved him away, but before he left, she stopped him again.
“Can I take a shower?”
“Sure.” He wrinkled his nose. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but I have seen better hairdos on warthogs.”
She snorted. “No need to get ugly just because I wouldn’t let you kiss the back of my knee.”
He smiled, then his expression softened. “Geneva, I’m glad you pulled through this. You’re quite a girl.” The laughter came back in his eyes. “Now take a shower and wash your hair so I can come back and beg you to nibble your ear.”
Geneva suddenly felt confidence and joy shoot through her. She was alive! She had just come through a harrowing ordeal, and only a day later, she was longing for a shower and being flirted with by a handsome, if overbearing, physician. There was hope, after all.
“Come on, Mama. Help me up,” she said, struggling to rise. “I want to be beautiful again.”
The shower felt glorious. Her mother helped her shampoo her hair, then Geneva gingerly perched on a chair while Gaynell towel dried her hair and combed it until it lay straight and smooth against her cheeks and shoulders.
“Remember when you were a little girl,” Gaynell said, pulling the comb gently through Geneva’s golden tresses, “and you told me you were going to run away from home and join a band of Gypsies and spend the rest of your life dancing around their campfire?”
“I remember,” smiled Geneva. “I was obsessed with Gypsies for awhile. Wonder where I ever heard about them?”
“I reckon you read about ‘em somewhere. But I was just thinking—that’s exactly what you’ve done. You really have run away from home, and you’re always dancing around the fire. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wake up, and I see this picture of you in my head, wildly spinning around a big fire, your hair all golden and streaming in the light, and you’re laughing your head off, and you never see how close you are to getting burned. You just laugh and spin and fling your hair toward the fire.” She paused, her face wistful. “All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, and I’ve tried to let you find your own happiness without interfering,” she sighed. “But, Lord, honey, you are such a trial sometimes. How did I have a daughter with such a wild streak in her? You court danger at every turn.” Her fingers faltered, and when Geneva looked at her, her eyes were shimmering with tears.
“Oh, Mama, I’m sorry. I know I have put you through an awful time. And sometimes I wish I were more like you, like Rachel.” She thought about what Howard Knight had said to her on the mountain about her greedy soul, and she grieved that she had caused her loved ones so much pain. Sighing, she took her mother’s hand. “Sometimes I wonder myself why I do the things I do. Things seem so right while I’m doing them. I mean, it made perfect sense to go looking for help yesterday. And now I see how stupid it was.”
Gaynell laughed and dried her face with the back of her hand, then she hugged Geneva. “Oh, baby, I’m just happy to see you alive and safe. Don’t pay any attention to me. I guess I wouldn’t want you any other way, but I must say, I’m gettin’ awful old to watch you get yourself in so much trouble. I guess I’m afraid I’ll die before you learn to take care of yourself, and where will you be when I’m not there to drag you out of the quicksand?” She laughed again, “But then to hear Rachel tell it, she’s been there to rescue you a few times when I wasn’t!”
It hurt Geneva to hear her mother, always so strong and full of the confidence of her life, to speak so, and she wondered if she, Geneva, were less reckless, her mother would feel less helpless. Deep down, she knew the answer. She had always been a trial to her parents, and yet they had never stopped loving her for a moment. Their love had been fierce, almost wild, protective the way a beast is protective of its young. And yet, they had allowed her to fly away whenever and wherever she wanted, always blessed her, and always welcomed her home again. She took her mother in her arms, and felt her frailty, but she also felt the power of her love, and it felt good.
The day passed in bittersweetness, with Geneva reuniting with her friends and family. She apologized many times for the fear and hardship she had caused, and she was able to thank John for saving her life with passionate gratitude.
“Hey, thank you,” he said, grinning. “I can’t tell you how long I have waited for a chance to do something like that. Straight out of Alexander Dumas.”
Geneva smiled. “I don’t think so. I think I was supposed to be a little cleaner, maybe dressed a little nicer. I would say the scene was closer to Grotowski.”
“Doesn’t matter,” he said, taking her hand. “I got a chance to be a hero, and it was the best moment of my life. I appreciate it.” His smile turned wry. “Of course, it was helpful that Howard was there to keep me from getting myself killed—not to mention a really good horse.”
She looked at him long and hard. His eyes were as intense as they were the first day she met him, green and full of that same longing she had seen before that had caused her heart to lurch. But now she only felt sweet gratitude and a gentle hope that he would be happy. “You have always been a hero, John. You go to miserable places and give people hope and a chance to have decent lives. And I’m glad you had a chance to be a knight in shining armor. I’ve always wanted to be rescued like that, too, but,” she laughed, “I thought I’d have on a designer gown when it happened.”
His eyes were misty. “I’m glad you’re safe. Geneva,” he said, and his voice grew husky, “I’d do anything for you. I want to always make sure you’re safe and happy. And I want all your dreams to become real.”
She felt her own eyes growing wet, and she searched for the words to tell him… what? What could she say to him? What did she want to say to him, so vulnerable and so hopeful here beside her, holding her hand and looking at her with those burning eyes? She drew a ragged breath, and suddenly Lilly and Sally Beth burst into the room.
“My goodness, Geneva Lenoir, you just about scared us half to death,” breathed Sally Beth, “and girl, we couldn’t wait another minute to see yew! Do yew know we were here all day yesterday, and half the night, and Lordy, we’re not waiting another minute! Don’t tell that awful nurse we’re in here. They only let in two at a time. Lilly, you run in the bathroom if that nurse comes in. Geneva, honey, you look like you have really been through it! How do you feel? Did that old boar just rip you all to pieces?”
“Hello, Sally Beth. Lilly.”
John began backing toward the door. “I’ll get out of here,” he murmured. “We don’t want to wear you out.”
“Oh, John, don’t leave,” said Lilly primly. “They’ll never know, and Sally Beth can just leave if they come to throw somebody out.”
“I will not leave! I just got here! Yew can just run in the bathroom, and they’ll never know! Yew can stay, John.”
“I will not run in the bathroom,” declared Lilly. “You’re the one who should run in the bathroom. I’m surprised Geneva is even talking to you, since this was all your fault anyway. She probly doesn’t really want to see you right now.”
“What do you mean, my fault?” demanded Sally Beth.
“Well, you were the one who panicked when you saw the bear and caused Jimmy Lee to fall over the cliff in the first place. If it hadn’t been for you, none of this would have happened, and we would have made it back without any trouble.”
Sally Beth’s blue eyes grew rounder and she pulled herself up a little taller and put her fist on her hip. “What do you mean, Lilly Lenoir, saying it was my fault just because I got scared when there was this big old bear right in my face? What do yew think yew would have done if you’d had the guts to be the first one across that path? Huh? Hey, you never would’ve had the guts to be the first one, and if that old bear had run into you, you would have run everybody over. I did good, considering!”
“I’ll see you, Geneva. So long Sally Beth, Lilly.” John eased out of the room.
“Now see what you did!” exclaimed Lilly. “Ran him right off, and he’s such a nice man. Why do you have to do that?”
“I did not run him off.” She turned to Geneva indignantly. “Geneva, did I run him off? Lilly, I declare you are the orneriest girl in the world! Geneva, did I run him off?” Her expression altered suddenly. “I’m sorry, honey,” she cooed worriedly. “He’ll be back. Do yew want me to fix yer hair or somethin’?”
A nurse entered. “Sorry, girls, I need for you to leave while I check Geneva’s dressing. You can just step outside for a minute.”
“Sure,” said Sally Beth, glaring at Lilly. “We’ll be right outside if you need us, honey,” she cooed to Geneva. “And I’ll do yer hair anytime you want! And yer nails, too! I bet yer hands are a mess! And yer toenails, too.” She paused thoughtfully. “That was my fault. I shouldn’t a thrown yer shoe. I’m real sorry about that.” She brightened. “I’ll buy you another pair!”
“Forget it, Sally Beth,” smiled Geneva. “I’ll see you later.”
“Sure! We’re just outside!” She pointed toward the corridor with her perfectly painted hot pink fingernail as she opened the door.
The nurse peeled the bandages aside and dabbed at Geneva’s stitches with antiseptic solution, then taped new gauze over the oozing wound.
“How does it look?” Geneva asked anxiously.
“Not too bad,” the nurse replied briskly. “We’ll just keep watching it, and you need to get plenty of rest. Be sure to drink plenty of water, too.”
Efficiently, she took Geneva’s temperature, then gave her antibiotics and left. Geneva stared after her for a few seconds while her mind drifted on the currents of her recent memories, and before she had the chance to really wrap the arms of her mind around Howard Knight and hold him close, Howard Graves knocked, then stepped into her room.
He looked awful. Deep circles darkened his eyes, which appeared sunken and dull in the glare of the fluorescent light. “Hi,” he said gently, and his lips brushed her forehead dryly.
“Hi,” she returned tentatively.
Taking her hand, he stepped back and gazed at her a long time, then he gave a short, half-sob, half-laugh, and his already dull eyes clouded more. “You’re alive.”
She wanted him to feel better. “They say I’m too mean to die,” she said lightly.
He looked beyond her. “There wasn’t anything I could have done. I was just coming over a rise, and the others were already there. We heard you screaming.” His voice grew shaky. “I’m not a good enough rider. There wasn’t anything I could have done. I can’t shoot. I can’t ride. I could only stare at you, and watch the others do all that heroic stuff.” His eyes came back to her. “Oh, baby, there was blood everywhere, and I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t get to you fast enough.”
“Hey,” she said gently, touching his face. “It’s okay. I’m okay. Of course you can’t ride and you can’t shoot. You’re a city dude. I like you the way you are.” She smiled brightly. “You look great in a tux. You can dance the Rumba.”
He did not return her smile. “The doctors say you’re going to be okay.”
“Sure am.”
“Geneva… do you, could you…” He stopped and began again. “Geneva, I’m going back to DC. I can’t stay here. I’m too out of place. I feel worthless. I didn’t even know what to do when you were lying there on the ground, and the others were working on you to stop the bleeding. And you were just there, all white and red with the blood pouring out of you. And everybody else was working like mad, trying to stop the blood. Even Sally Beth was cool and was tearing up strips of everybody’s clothes, and Lilly and I just stood there and watched, and I was absolutely helpless, watching you die.” He gave a dry sob.
“Hush, hush,” whispered Geneva, patting his hand. “It’s okay. I didn’t die. I’m right here, and I’ll be fine. Oh, Howard, I’m so sorry to put you through this. It’s my fault. Don’t be angry with yourself.”
“You don’t understand. There was nothing I could do. I don’t even have the right blood type, so I couldn’t give you blood. Sally Beth and Howard both gave you blood. I mean, everybody was there to save your life, except for me and Lilly. Both of us worthless. If I had been there by myself, I couldn’t have saved you!”
Geneva sat up. “Howard and Sally Beth gave me blood?”
Howard Graves looked more miserable. “Yes. They both matched your type. They wouldn’t even let your parents or your sister—they both just acted like they had the right to take care of you, and the rest of us could just go hang ourselves.”
She fell silent. She understood how he felt, how impotent he must still be feeling to know there are things to be done, but not to be able to do them. She thought about the night Rachel had her babies, and how she had wandered back and forth between Jimmy Lee and her laboring sister, wondering if they would make it through the night with her incompetent ministrations.
Howard’s gaze moved to the window and beyond. After a long moment, he dragged his eyes to her face again and sighed heavily. “Geneva, I have to leave. This is hell for me, knowing how you feel about me, and knowing there isn’t much I can do to change your feelings, especially now. I guess you can understand that I feel pretty worthless, pretty undeserving of you, and I need to get away for awhile, just to get to a place where I can feel competent again. I have never felt so out of control in my life.”
Geneva smiled. Yes, it would be difficult for Howard to feel out of control. His life had always been so ordered, and here in this place, barely civilized by most any standards, and in the mountains—not civilized at all—he would feel unable to function on any level. Very difficult for one who had always moved effortlessly and gracefully through the seeming labyrinth of his professional life.
He had not stopped talking. “This doesn’t mean I won’t try again, that I’ll give up. This place—you—have given me something, and I don’t intend to give it up until I absolutely have to—until you tell me.” He smiled, and hastened to add, “and maybe not even then, so don’t think you’re going to be getting rid of me very easily. I’ll be back.”
Geneva’s heart went out to him. He was so pitiful, so hopeful and yet so hopeless all at the same time. She did not know what she wanted to tell him, whether she wanted him to go away and never come back, or if she wanted him to be her friend (that old cliché!), or if she, somewhere, underneath the layers of her own hope and confusions, still harbored some small flame of love for him that might be rekindled.
No, there was no chance. But old habits die hard, old love dies harder, and there was some of him still in her, no matter how much she longed to be with another. And now Howard Knight’s blood was in her veins. She lay back and closed her eyes to trammel the tears that lay perilously close to the surface. In the darkness, she reached for Howard’s hand and squeezed it. When she opened her eyes again, he was gone, and she knew the time for good-bye had come, no matter what he had said. He was right. If he could not be a part of this place, he could not be a part of her, no matter how much she might try to deny this portion of her life, the essential roots of her boring deep into this earth, these mountains, giving her shape and definition.
Her parents were there again and then Rachel. Sally Beth and Lilly drifted through a couple of times, and of course, John was always there, lingering just on the periphery of her vision, trying not to be in the way, but always just there, burning her with those eyes. Howard Graves was gone, and Howard Knight did not come. She waited for him as she chatted with her family and with John, always looking eagerly toward the door when she heard a knock. But his continued absence hovered like a sulfurous mist over her head. The longer he waited, she knew, the less she would be able to convince him to love her.
He came at midnight. The others, even her parents, had gone when visiting hours were over, and she had given up hope of his coming, even though she had asked Rachel twice to go and ask for him. She was not asleep when he stepped lightly into the room, but was lying quietly watching the stars through her window, imagining that she saw them streaming across the sky. Although she felt tired and defeated for the moment, she still lay hoping for a way to reach him.
He did not speak, and made no noise, but she felt his presence, and she knew it was him. At first, she felt him in such a quiet and intimate way she did not realize he was really with her, but thought him merely a wish, imagination borne on wings of desire. But presently, she began to feel more intensely the gaze that held her, and she turned to see him standing dark against the door.
“Howard,” she breathed.
He did not answer at first, nor did he move. Finally, she heard him speak quietly, “I thought you’d be asleep. I jist wanted to see that yer awright.”
Her heart was pounding with both love and fear. Carefully, she wiped her palms against the crisp sheet. “Come in. Please. I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”
Still, he did not move. “I jist wanted to see that yer awright,” he repeated.
“Yes, I’m fine. Thanks to you. You saved my life. Twice. I understand you gave me blood, too.”
She could see him more clearly now as her eyes adjusted to the darkened end of the room, and she caught the glint of his eye as he moved his gaze to her face. “I didn’t do nothin’ nobody else woulda done. John wuz really the one that saved ye. I jist got in a lucky shot.”
Her voice was shaking. “I know it was you who tracked me. It was you who first came searching for me. I know you would have done anything to keep me alive. Howard. I know you love me.” She said this last bit with a little rush of her breath while her courage was still building.
He said nothing, only looked at her.
She rushed on. “And I love you. You know I do. Please come here. I want to feel your arms around me. Please don’t be afraid of me. I really do love you. I won’t hurt you, no matter what you think.”
She could see him shaking his head slowly. “We done been through this all before. Ye jist cain’t see ahead like I kin. I kin see ye tryin’ ta live up on that mountain—.”
“But I can!”
He shook his head again. “I kin see ye gittin’ restless and wantin’ ta see the city, and ye’d ask me ta take ye there, and I would. And then, I kin see yer shame, and both our sorrow.” His voice was pregnant with misery.
For a moment, briefly, she saw it, too. She saw him sitting at a large, shining table with a crowd of her friends, looking lost and uncertain amid the linen and silver. And, regrettably, she saw herself, smiling at him and urging him to fit in, willing him to be a part of her company. She felt, deep down in her core, a tiny knot of embarrassment for him in front of people who would never understand.
She blinked back tears. “Howard, no! We can work it out!” She felt her growing desperation and searched for a logical argument. But there was nothing she could pull from her experience or from her logic that could gloss over the essential differences between them. There was the love, yes, and the passion, but beyond that, the days and months and years, she felt the tremor of his shame and his sorrow washing over her and tainting the hope of their love.
He approached her bed. When he drew close, she seized his hand and tried to pull him to her, but he held back and placed his other hand on her forehead. “I’m glad yer alive. I want ye ta live.”
“How can I live without you?”
He chuckled. “Ye kin live through anything. I never seen anybody more alive than yew. Even when I saw ye fallin’ in that old boar’s mouth, I knew ye’d live. And when ye was alayin’ there bleedin’, and we couldn’t git the blood stopped, I still knew ye’d live.”
She sobbed aloud and clung to his hand.
“Shh, there ain’t no need to be squallin’, now,” he said gently. There was a long pause, then he continued, “I sorta wanted to tell ye I wuz sorry for what we done. Ye know, I hope my lovin’ ye hasn’t caused ye no grief. But I cain’t say I’m sorry. I mean, I hate yer hurt, and I hate mine, too. But—,” he looked up and breathed deeply, “—but I cain’t be sorry fer what happened. I cain’t be sorry fer lovin’ ye. Never. Yew’ll always be a bright spot in me.” He stroked her head gently, then disengaged his hand and slowly walked back to the door.
He was leaving! In her misery, she cried out one last time with all her desperate hope, “Howard! Please!”
He reached for the door. “Howard! Chap!” She searched for words to touch him. “Ta li!” she cried out in anguish. And she saw him falter. He dropped his hand, then slowly, as if her will had been thrown around him like a lasso and she was pulling him toward her, he began to turn. She had triumphed! She caught her breath and waited for him to shake off his doubt and fear and come rushing to her. She practically tasted his kiss even now.
But before the turn was complete, before she felt his will succumb completely to hers, before he threw off the last fear and came rushing back to her, the door burst open, and the night nurse came bustling in.
“My goodness!” she exclaimed! “It’s way past visiting hours! You shouldn’t be here,” she chided.
Horrified, Geneva’s eyes left Howard for an instant while she glared open mouthed at the nurse. She felt a rush of wind, and before she could cry out again, he was gone.