Mrs. Molloy’s hat shop, New York City.
There are two entrances. One door at the extreme right of the back wall, to Mrs. Molloy’s workroom; one at the back left corner, to the street. The whole left wall is taken up with the show windows, filled with hats. It is separated from the shop by a low brass rail, hung with net; during the act both MRS. MOLLOR and BARNABT stoop under the rail and go into the shop window. By the street door stands a large cheval glass. In the middle of the back wall is a large wardrobe or clothes cupboard, filled with ladies’ coats, large enough for CORNELIUS to hide in. At the left, beginning at the back wall, between the wardrobe and the workroom door, a long counter extends toward the audience, almost to the footlights. In the center of the room is a large round table with a low-hanging red cloth. There are a small gilt chair by the wardrobe and two chairs in front of the counter. Over the street door and the workroom door are bells which ring when the doors are opened.
As the curtain rises, MRS. MOLLOY is in the window, standing on a box, reaching up to put hats on the stand. MINNIE FAY is sewing by the counter. MRS. MOLLOY has a pair of felt overshoes, to be removed later.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Minnie, you’re a fool. Of course I shall marry Horace Vandergelder.
MINNIE:
Oh, Mrs. Molloy! I didn’t ask you. I wouldn’t dream of asking you such a personal question.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Well, it’s what you meant, isn’t it? And there’s your answer. I shall certainly marry Horace Vandergelder if he asks me.
Crawls under window rail, into the room, singing loudly.
MINNIE:
I know it’s none of my business . . .
MRS. MOLLOY:
Speak up, Minnie, I can’t hear you.
MINNIE:
. . . but do you . . . do you . . . ?
MRS. MOLLOY:
Having crossed the room, is busy at the counter.
Minnie, you’re a fool. Say it: Do I love him? Of course, I don’t love him. But I have two good reasons for marrying him just the same. Minnie, put something on that hat. It’s not ugly enough.
Throws hat over counter.
MINNIE:
Catching and taking hat to table.
Not ugly enough!
MRS. MOLLOY:
I couldn’t sell it. Put a . . . put a sponge on it.
MINNIE:
Why, Mrs. Molloy, you’re in such a mood today.
MRS. MOLLOY:
In the first place I shall marry Mr. Vandergelder to get away from the millinery business. I’ve hated it from the first day I had anything to do with it. Minnie, I hate hats.
Sings loudly again.
MINNIE:
Why, what’s the matter with the millinery business?
MRS. MOLLOY:
Crossing to window with two hats.
I can no longer stand being suspected of being a wicked woman, while I have nothing to show for it. I can’t stand it.
She crawls under rail into window.
MINNIE:
Why, no one would dream of suspecting you—
MRS. MOLLOY:
On her knees, she looks over the rail.
Minnie, you’re a fool. All millineresses are suspected of being wicked women. Why, half the time all those women come into the shop merely to look at me.
MINNIE:
Oh!
MRS. MOLLOY:
They enjoy the suspicion. But they aren’t certain. If they were certain I was a wicked woman, they wouldn’t put foot in this place again. Do I go to restaurants? No, it would be bad for business. Do I go to balls, or theaters, or operas? No, it would be bad for business. The only men I ever meet are feather merchants.
Crawls out of window, but gazes intently into the street.
What are those two young men doing out there on that park bench? Take my word for it, Minnie, either I marry Horace Vandergelder, or I break out of this place like a fire engine. I’ll go to every theater and ball and opera in New York City.
Returns to counter, singing again.
MINNIE:
But Mr. Vandergelder’s not . . .
MRS. MOLLOY:
Speak up, Minnie, I can’t hear you.
MINNIE:
. . . I don’t think he’s attractive.
MRS. MOLLOY:
But what I think he is—and it’s very important—I think he’d make a good fighter.
MINNIE:
Mrs. Molloy!
MRS. MOLLOY:
Take my word for it, Minnie: the best part of married life is the fights. The rest is merely so-so.
MINNIE:
Fingers in ears.
I won’t listen.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Peter Molloy—God rest him!—was a fine arguing man. I pity the woman whose husband slams the door and walks out of the house at the beginning of an argument. Peter Molloy would stand up and fight for hours on end. He’d even throw things, Minnie, and there’s no pleasure to equal that. When I felt tired I’d start a good bloodwarming fight and it’d take ten years off my age; now Horace Vandergelder would put up a good fight; I know it. I’ve a mind to marry him.
MINNIE:
I think they’re just awful, the things you’re saying today.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Well, I’m enjoying them myself, too.
MINNIE:
At the window.
Mrs. Molloy, those two men out in the street—
MRS. MOLLOY:
What?
MINNIE:
Those men. It looks as if they meant to come in here.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Well now, it’s time some men came into this place. I give you the younger one, Minnie.
MINNIE:
Aren’t you terrible!
MRS. MOLLOY sits on center table, while MINNIE takes off her felt overshoes.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Wait till I get my hands on that older one! Mark my words, Minnie, we’ll get an adventure out of this yet. Adventure, adventure! Why does everybody have adventures except me, Minnie? Because I have no spirit, I have no gumption. Minnie, they’re coming in here. Let’s go into the workroom and make them wait for us for a minute.
MINNIE:
Oh, but Mrs. Molloy . . . my work!. . .
MRS. MOLLOY:
Running to workroom.
Hurry up, be quick now, Minnie!
They go out to workroom.
BARNABY and CORNELIUS run in from street, leaving front door open. They are dressed in the stiff discomfort of their Sunday clothes. CORNELIUS wears a bowler hat, BARNABY a straw hat too large for him.
BARNABY:
No one’s here.
CORNELIUS:
Some women were here a minute ago. I saw them.
They jump back to the street door and peer down the street.
That’s Wolf-trap all right!
Coming back.
Well, we’ve got to hide here until he passes by.
BARNABY:
He’s sitting down on that bench. It may be quite a while.
CORNELIUS:
When these women come in, we’ll have to make conversation until he’s gone away. We’ll pretend we’re buying a hat. How much money have you got now?
BARNABY:
Counting his money.
Forty cents for the train—seventy cents for dinner—twenty cents to see the whale—and a dollar I lost—I have seventy cents.
CORNELIUS:
And I have a dollar seventy-five. I wish I knew how much hats cost!
BARNABY:
Is this an adventure, Cornelius?
CORNELIUS:
No, but it may be.
BARNABY:
I think it is. There we wander around New York all day and nothing happens; and then we come to the quietest street in the whole city and suddenly Mr. Vandergelder turns the corner.
Going to door.
I think that’s an adventure. I think . . . Cornelius! That Mrs. Levi is there now. She’s sitting down on the bench with him.
CORNELIUS:
What do you know about that! We know only one person in all New York City, and there she is!
BARNABY:
Even if our adventure came along now I’d be too tired to enjoy it. Cornelius, why isn’t this an adventure?
CORNELIUS:
Don’t be asking that. When you’re in an adventure, you’ll know it all right.
BARNABY:
Maybe I wouldn’t. Cornelius, let’s arrange a signal for you to give me when an adventure’s really going on. For instance, Cornelius, you say . . . uh . . . uh . . . pudding; you say pudding to me if it’s an adventure we’re in.
CORNELIUS:
I wonder where the lady who runs this store is? What’s her name again?
BARNABY:
“Mrs. Molloy, hats for ladies.”
CORNELIUS:
Oh yes. I must think over what I’m going to say when she comes in.
To counter.
“Good afternoon, Mrs. Molloy, wonderful weather we’re having. We’ve been looking everywhere for some beautiful hats.”
BARNABY:
That’s fine, Cornelius!
CORNELIUS:
“Good afternoon, Mrs. Molloy; wonderful weather . . .” We’ll make her think we’re very rich.
One hand in trouser pocket, the other on back of chair.
“Good afternoon, Mrs. Molloy . . .” You keep one eye on the door the whole time. “We’ve been looking everywhere for . . .”
Enter MRS. MOLLOY from the workroom.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Behind the counter.
Oh, I’m sorry. Have I kept you waiting? Good afternoon, gentlemen.
CORNELIUS:
Hat off.
Here, Cornelius Hackl.
BARNABY:
Hat off.
Here, Barnaby Tucker.
MRS. MOLLOY:
I’m very happy to meet you. Perhaps I can help you. Won’t you sit down?
CORNELIUS:
Thank you, we will.
The BOYS place their hats on the table, then sit down at the counter facing Mrs. Molloy.
You see, Mrs. Molloy, we’re looking for hats. We’ve looked everywhere. Do you know what we heard? Go to Mrs. Molloy’s, they said. So we came here. Only place we could go . . .
MRS. MOLLOY:
Well now, that’s very complimentary.
CORNELIUS:
. . . and we were right. Everybody was right.
MRS. MOLLOY:
You wish to choose some hats for a friend?
CORNELIUS:
Yes, exactly.
Kicks Barnaby.
BARNABY:
Yes, exactly.
CORNELIUS:
We were thinking of five or six, weren’t we, Barnaby?
BARNABY:
Er-five.
CORNELIUS:
You see, Mrs. Molloy, money’s no object with us. None at all.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Why, Mr. Hackl . . .
CORNELIUS:
Rises and goes toward street door.
. . . I beg your pardon, what an interesting street! Something happening every minute. Passers-by, and . . .
BARNABY runs to join him.
MRS. MOLLOY:
You’re from out of town, Mr. Hackl?
CORNELIUS:
Coming back.
Yes, ma’am—Barnaby, just keep your eye on the street, will you? You won’t see that in Yonkers every day.
BARNABY remains kneeling at street door.
BARNABY:
Oh yes, I will.
CORNELIUS:
Not all of it.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Now this friend of yours—couldn’t she come in with you someday and choose her hats herself?
CORNELIUS:
Sits at counter.
No. Oh, no. It’s a surprise for her.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Indeed? That may be a little difficult, Mr. Hackl. It’s not entirely customary.—Your friend’s very interested in the street, Mr. Hackl.
CORNELIUS:
Oh yes. Yes. He has reason to be.
MRS. MOLLOY:
You said you were from out of town?
CORNELIUS:
Yes, we’re from Yonkers.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Yonkers?
CORNELIUS:
Yonkers . . . yes, Yonkers.
He gazes rapt into her eyes.
You should know Yonkers, Mrs. Molloy. Hudson River; Palisades; drives; some say it’s the most beautiful town in the world; that’s what they say.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Is that so!
CORNELIUS:
Rises.
Mrs. Molloy, if you ever had a Sunday free, I’d . . . we’d like to show you Yonkers. Y’know, it’s very historic, too.
MRS. MOLLOY:
That’s very kind of you. Well, perhaps . . . now about those hats.
Takes two hats from under counter, and crosses to back center of the room.
CORNELIUS:
Following.
Is there . . . Have you a . . . Maybe Mr. Molloy would like to see Yonkers too?
MRS. MOLLOY:
Oh, I’m a widow, Mr. Hackl.
CORNELIUS:
Joyfully.
You are!
With sudden gravity.
Oh, that’s too bad. Mr. Molloy would have enjoyed Yonkers.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Very likely. Now about these hats. Is your friend dark or light?
CORNELIUS:
Don’t think about that for a minute. Any hat you’d like would be perfectly all right with her.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Really!
She puts one on.
Do you like this one?
CORNELIUS:
In awe-struck admiration.
Barnaby!
In sudden anger.
Barnaby! Look!
BARNABY turns; unimpressed, he laughs vaguely, and turns to door again.
Mrs. Molloy, that’s the most beautiful hat I ever saw.
BARNABY now crawls under the rail into the window.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Your friend is acting very strangely, Mr. Hackl.
CORNELIUS:
Barnaby, stop acting strangely. When the street’s quiet and empty, come back and talk to us. What was I saying? Oh yes: Mrs. Molloy, you should know Yonkers.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Hat off.
The fact is, I have a friend in Yonkers. Perhaps you know him. It’s always so foolish to ask in cases like that, isn’t it?
They both laugh over this with increasing congeniality.
MRS. MOLLOY goes to counter with hats from table. CORNELIUS follows.
It’s a Mr. Vandergelder.
CORNELIUS:
Stops abruptly.
What was that you said?
MRS. MOLLOY:
Then you do know him?
CORNELIUS:
Horace Vandergelder?
MRS. MOLLOY:
Yes, that’s right.
CORNELIUS:
Know him!
Look to Barnaby.
Why, no. No!
BARNABY:
No! No!
CORNELIUS:
Starting to glide about the room, in search of a hiding place.
I beg your pardon, Mrs. Molloy—what an attractive shop you have!
Smiling fixedly at her he moves to the workshop door.
And where does this door lead to?
Opens it, and is alarmed by the bell which rings above it.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Why, Mr. Hackl, that’s my workroom.
CORNELIUS:
Everything here is so interesting.
Looks under counter.
Every corner. Every door, Mrs. Molloy. Barnaby, notice the interesting doors and cupboards.
He opens the cupboard door.
Deeply interesting. Coats for ladies.
Laughs.
Barnaby, make a note of the table. Precious piece of furniture, with a low-hanging cloth, I see.
Stretches his leg under table.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Taking a hat from box left of wardrobe.
Perhaps your friend might like some of this new Italian straw. Mr. Vandergelder’s a substantial man and very well liked, they tell me.
CORNELIUS:
A lovely man, Mrs. Molloy.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Oh yes—charming, charming!
CORNELIUS:
Smiling sweetly.
Has only one fault, as far as I know; he’s hard as nails; but apart from that, as you say, a charming nature, ma’am.
MRS. MOLLOY:
And a large circle of friends—?
CORNELIUS:
Yes, indeed, yes indeed—five or six.
BARNABY:
Five!
CORNELIUS:
He comes and calls on you here from time to time, I suppose.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Turns from mirror where she has been putting a hat on.
This summer we’ll be wearing ribbons down our back. Yes, as a matter of fact I am expecting a call from him this afternoon.
Hat off.
BARNABY:
I think . . . Cornelius! I think . . .!!
MRS. MOLLOY:
Now to show you some more hats—
BARNABY:
Look out!
He takes a flying leap over the rail and flings himself under the table.
CORNELIUS:
Begging your pardon, Mrs. Molloy.
He jumps into the cupboard.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Gentlemen! Mr. Hackl! Come right out of there this minute!
CORNELIUS:
Sticking his head out of the wardrobe door.
Help us just this once, Mrs. Molloy! We’ll explain later!
MRS. MOLLOY:
Mr. Hackl!
BARNABY:
We’re as innocent as can be, Mrs. Molloy.
MRS. MOLLOY:
But really! Gentlemen! I can’t have this! What are you doing?
BARNABY:
Cornelius! Cornelius! Pudding?
CORNELIUS:
A shout.
Pudding!
They disappear. Enter from the street MRS. LEVI, followed by MR. VANDERGELDER. VANDERGELDER is dressed in a too-bright checked suit, and wears a green derby—or bowler—hat. He is carrying a large ornate box of chocolates in one hand, and a cane in the other.
MRS. LEVI:
Irene, my darling child, how are you? Heaven be good to us, how well you look!
They kiss.
MRS. MOLLOY:
But what a surprise! And Mr. Vandergelder in New York—what a pleasure!
VANDERGELDER:
Swaying back and forth on his heels complacently.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Molloy.
They shake hands. MRS. MOLLOY brings chair from counter for him. He sits at left of table.
MRS. LEVI:
Yes, Mr. Vandergelder’s in New York. Yonkers lies up there—decimated today. Irene, we thought we’d pay you a very short call. Now you’ll tell us if it’s inconvenient, won’t you?
MRS. MOLLOY:
Placing a chair for Mrs. Levi at right of table.
Inconvenient, Dolly! The idea! Why, it’s sweet of you to come.
She notices the boys’ hats on the table—sticks a spray of flowers into crown of Cornelius’ bowler and winds a piece of chiffon round Barnaby’s panama.
VANDERGELDER:
We waited outside a moment.
MRS. LEVI:
Mr. Vandergelder thought he saw two customers coming in—two men.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Men! Men, Mr. Vandergelder? Why, what will you be saying next?
MRS. LEVI:
Then we’ll sit down for a minute or two. . . .
MRS. MOLLOY:
Wishing to get them out of the shop into the workroom.
Before you sit down—
She pushes them both.
Before you sit down, there’s something I want to show you. I want to show Mr. Vandergelder my workroom, too.
MRS. LEVI:
I’ve seen the workroom a hundred times. I’ll stay right here and try on some of these hats.
MRS. MOLLOY:
No, Dolly, you come too. I have something for you. Come along, everybody.
Exit MRS. LEVI to workroom.
Mr. Vandergelder, I want your advice. You don’t know how helpless a woman in business is. Oh, I feel I need advice every minute from a fine business head like yours.
Exit VANDERGELDER to workroom. MRS. MOLLOY shouts this line and then slams the workroom door.
Now I shut the door!!
Exit MRS. MOLLOY.
CORNELIUS puts his head out of the wardrobe door and gradually comes out into the room, leaving door open.
CORNELIUS:
Hsst!
BARNABY:
Pokes his head out from under the table.
Maybe she wants us to go, Cornelius?
CORNELIUS:
Certainly I won’t go. Mrs. Molloy would think we were just thoughtless fellows. No, all I want is to stretch a minute.
BARNABY:
What are you going to do when he’s gone, Cornelius? Are we just going to run away?
CORNELIUS:
Well . . . I don’t know yet. I like Mrs. Molloy a lot. I wouldn’t like her to think badly of me. I think I’ll buy a hat. We can walk home to Yonkers, even if it takes us all night. I wonder how much hats cost. Barnaby, give me all the money you’ve got.
As he leans over to take the money, he sneezes. Both return to their hiding places in alarm; then emerge again.
My, all those perfumes in that cupboard tickle my nose! But I like it in there . . . it’s a woman’s world, and very different.
BARNABY:
I like it where I am, too; only I’d like it better if I had a pillow.
CORNELIUS:
Taking coat from wardrobe.
Here, take one of these coats. I’ll roll it up for you so it won’t get mussed. Ladies don’t like to have their coats mussed.
BARNABY:
That’s fine. Now I can just lie here and hear Mr. Vandergelder talk.
CORNELIUS goes slowly above table towards cheval mirror, repeating Mrs. Molloy’s line dreamily:
CORNELIUS:
This summer we’ll be wearing ribbons down our back. . . .
BARNABY:
Can I take off my shoes, Cornelius?
CORNELIUS does not reply. He comes to the footlights and addresses the audience, in completely simple naïve sincerity:
CORNELIUS:
Isn’t the world full of wonderful things. There we sit cooped up in Yonkers for years and years and all the time wonderful people like Mrs. Molloy are walking around in New York and we don’t know them at all. I don’t know whether—from where you’re sitting—you can see—well, for instance, the way
He points to the edge of his right eye.
her eye and forehead and cheek come together, up here. Can you? And the kind of fireworks that shoot out of her eyes all the time. I tell you right now: a fine woman is the greatest work of God. You can talk all you like about Niagara Falls and the Pyramids; they aren’t in it at all. Of course, up there at Yonkers they came into the store all the time, and bought this and that, and I said, “Yes, ma’am,” and “That’ll be seventy-five cents, ma’am”; and I watched them. But today I’ve talked to one, equal to equal, equal to equal, and to the finest one that ever existed, in my opinion. They’re so different from men! Everything that they say and do is so different that you feel like laughing all the time.
He laughs.
Golly, they’re different from men. And they’re awfully mysterious, too. You never can be really sure what’s going on in their heads. They have a kind of wall around them all the time—of pride and a sort of play-acting: I bet you could know a woman a hundred years without ever being really sure whether she liked you or not. This minute I’m in danger. I’m in danger of losing my job and my future and everything that people think is important; but I don’t care. Even if I have to dig ditches for the rest of my life, I’ll be a ditch digger who once had a wonderful day.
Barnaby!
BARNABY:
Oh, you woke me up!
CORNELIUS:
Kneels.
Barnaby, we can’t go back to Yonkers yet and you know why.
BARNABY:
Why not?
CORNELIUS:
We’ve had a good meal. We’ve had an adventure. We’ve been in danger of getting arrested. There’s only one more thing we’ve got to do before we go back to be successes in Yonkers.
BARNABY:
Cornelius! You’re never going to kiss Mrs. Molloy!
CORNELIUS:
Maybe.
BARNABY:
But she’ll scream.
CORNELIUS:
Barnaby, you don’t know anything at all. You might as well know right now that everybody except us goes through life kissing right and left all the time.
BARNABY:
Pauses for reflection: humbly:
Well, thanks for telling me, Cornelius. I often wondered.
Enter MRS. LEVI from workroom.
MRS. LEVI:
Just a minute, Irene. I must find my handkerchief.
CORNELIUS, caught by the arrival of Mrs. Levi, drops to his hands and knees, and starts very slowly to crawl back to the wardrobe, as though the slowness rendered him invisible. MRS. LEVI, leaning over the counter, watches him. From the cupboard he puts his head out of it and looks pleadingly at her.
Why, Mr. Hackl, I thought you were up in Yonkers.
CORNELIUS:
I almost always am, Mrs. Levi. Oh, Mrs. Levi, don’t tell Mr. Vandergelder! I’ll explain everything later.
BARNABY:
Puts head out.
We’re terribly innocent, Mrs. Levi.
MRS. LEVI:
Why, who’s that?
BARNABY:
Barnaby Tucker—just paying a call.
MRS. LEVI:
Looking under counter and even shaking out her skirts.
Well, who else is here?
CORNELIUS:
Just the two of us, Mrs. Levi, that’s all.
MRS. LEVI:
Old friends of Mrs. Molloy’s, is that it?
CORNELIUS:
We never knew her before a few minutes ago, but we like her a lot—don’t we, Barnaby? In fact, I think she’s . . . I think she’s the finest person in the world. I’m ready to tell that to anybody.
MRS. LEVI:
And does she think you’re the finest person in the world?
CORNELIUS:
Oh, no. I don’t suppose she even notices that I’m alive.
MRS. LEVI:
Well, I think she must notice that you’re alive in that cupboard, Mr. Hackl. Well, if I were you, I’d get back into it right away. Somebody could be coming in any minute.
CORNELIUS disappears. She sits unconcernedly in chair right. Enter MRS. MOLLOY.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Leaving door open and looking about in concealed alarm.
Can I help you, Dolly?
MRS. LEVI:
No, no, no. I was just blowing my nose.
Enter VANDERGELDER from workroom.
VANDERGELDER:
Mrs. Molloy, I’ve got some advice to give you about your business.
MRS. MOLLOY comes to the center of the room and puts Barnaby’s hat on floor in window, then Cornelius’ hat on the counter.
MRS. LEVI:
Oh, advice from Mr. Vandergelder! The whole city should hear this.
VANDERGELDER:
Standing in the workroom door, pompously:
In the first place, the aim of business is to make profit.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Is that so?
MRS. LEVI:
I never heard it put so clearly before. Did you hear it?
VANDERGELDER:
Crossing the room to the left.
You pay those girls of yours too much. You pay them as much as men. Girls like that enjoy their work. Wages, Mrs. Molloy, are paid to make people do work they don’t want to do.
MRS. LEVI:
Mr. Vandergelder thinks so ably. And that’s exactly the way his business is run up in Yonkers.
VANDERGELDER:
Patting her hand.
Mrs. Molloy, I’d like for you to come up to Yonkers.
MRS. MOLLOY:
That would be very nice.
He hands her the box of chocolates.
Oh, thank you. As a matter of fact, I know someone from Yonkers, someone else.
VANDERGELDER:
Hangs hat on the cheval mirror.
Oh? Who’s that?
MRS. MOLLOY puts chocolates on table and brings gilt chair forward and sits center at table facing the audience.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Someone quite well-to-do, I believe, though a little free and easy in his behavior. Mr. Vandergelder, do you know Mr. Cornelius Hackl in Yonkers?
VANDERGELDER:
I know him like I know my own boot. He’s my head clerk.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Is that so?
VANDERGELDER:
He’s been in my store for ten years.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Well, I never!
VANDERGELDER:
Where would you have known him?
MRS. MOLLOY is in silent confusion. She looks for help to Mrs. Levi, seated at right end of table.
MRS. LEVI:
Groping for means to help Mrs. Molloy.
Err . . . blah . . . err . . . bl . . . er . . . Oh, just one of those chance meetings, I suppose.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Yes, oh yes! One of those chance meetings.
VANDERGELDER:
What? Chance meetings? Cornelius Hackl has no right to chance meetings. Where was it?
MRS. MOLLOY:
Really, Mr. Vandergelder, it’s very unlike you to question me in such a way. I think Mr. Hackl is better known than you think he is.
VANDERGELDER:
Nonsense.
MRS. MOLLOY:
He’s in New York often, and he’s very well liked.
MRS. LEVI:
Having found her idea, with decision.
Well, the truth might as well come out now as later. Mr. Vandergelder, Irene is quite right. Your head clerk is often in New York. Goes everywhere; has an army of friends. Everybody knows Cornelius Hackl.
VANDERGELDER:
Laughs blandly and sits in chair at left of table.
He never comes to New York. He works all day in my store and at nine o’clock at night he goes to sleep in the bran room.
MRS. LEVI:
So you think. But it’s not true.
VANDERGELDER:
Dolly Gallagher, you’re crazy.
MRS. LEVI:
Listen to me. You keep your nose so deep in your account books you don’t know what goes on. Yes, by day, Cornelius Hackl is your faithful trusted clerk—that’s true; but by night! Well, he leads a double life, that’s all! He’s here at the opera; at the great restaurants; in all the fashionable homes . . . why, he’s at the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant three nights a week. The fact is, he’s the wittiest, gayest, naughtiest, most delightful man in New York. Well, he’s just the famous Cornelius Hackl!
VANDERGELDER:
Sure of himself.
It ain’t the same man. If I ever thought Cornelius Hackl came to New York, I’d discharge him.
MRS. LEVI:
Who took the horses out of Jenny Lind’s carriage and pulled her through the streets?
MRS. MOLLOY:
Who?
MRS. LEVI:
Cornelius Hackl! Who dressed up as a waiter at the Fifth Avenue Hotel the other night and took an oyster and dropped it right down Mrs . . .
Rises.
No, it’s too wicked to tell you!
MRS. MOLLOY:
Oh yes, Dolly, tell it! Go on!
MRS. LEVI:
No. But it was Cornelius Hackl.
VANDERGELDER:
Loud.
It ain’t the same man. Where’d he get the money?
MRS. LEVI:
But he’s very rich.
VANDERGELDER:
Rises.
Rich! I keep his money in my own safe. He has a hundred and forty-six dollars and thirty-five cents.
MRS. LEVI:
Oh, Mr. Vandergelder, you’re killing me! Do come to your senses. He’s one of the Hackls.
MRS. MOLLOY sits at chair right of table where Mrs. Levi has been sitting.
VANDERGELDER:
The Hackls?
MRS. LEVI:
They built the Raritan Canal.
VANDERGELDER:
Then why should he work in my store?
MRS. LEVI:
Well, I’ll tell you.
Sits at the center of the table, facing the audience.
VANDERGELDER:
Striding about.
I don’t want to hear! I’ve got a headache! I’m going home. It ain’t the same man!! He sleeps in my bran room. You can’t get away from facts. I just made him my chief clerk.
MRS. LEVI:
If you had any sense you’d make him partner.
Rises, crosses to Mrs. Molloy.
Now Irene, I can see you were as taken with him as everybody else is.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Why, I only met him once, very hastily.
MRS. LEVI:
Yes, but I can see that you were taken with him. Now don’t you be thinking of marrying him!
MRS. MOLLOY:
Her hands on her cheeks.
Dolly! What are you saying! Oh!
MRS. LEVI:
Maybe it’d be fine. But think it over carefully. He breaks hearts like hickory nuts.
VANDERGELDER:
Who?
MRS. LEVI:
Cornelius Hackl!
VANDERGELDER:
Mrs. Molloy, how often has he called on you?
MRS. MOLLOY:
Oh, I’m telling the truth. I’ve only seen him once in my life. Dolly Levi’s been exaggerating so. I don’t know where to look!
Enter MINNIE from workroom and crosses to window.
MINNIE:
Excuse me, Mrs. Molloy. I must get together that order for Mrs. Parkinson.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Yes, we must get that off before closing.
MINNIE:
I want to send it off by the errand girl.
Having taken a hat from the window.
Oh, I almost forgot the coat.
She starts for the wardrobe.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Running to the wardrobe to prevent her.
Oh, oh! I’ll do that, Minnie!
But she is too late. MINNIE opens the right-hand cupboard door and falls back in terror, and screams:
MINNIE:
Oh, Mrs. Molloy! Help! There’s a man!
MRS. MOLLOY with the following speech pushes her back to the workroom door. MINNIE walks with one arm pointing at the cupboard. At the end of each of Mrs. Molloy’s sentences she repeats—at the same pitch and degree—the words: “There’s a man!”
MRS. MOLLOY:
Slamming cupboard door.
Minnie, you imagined it. You’re tired, dear. You go back in the workroom and lie down. Minnie, you’re a fool; hold your tongue!
MINNIE:
There’s a man!
Exit MINNIE to workroom.
MRS. MOLLOY returns to the front of the stage.
VANDERGELDER raises his stick threateningly.
VANDERGELDER:
If there’s a man there, we’ll get him out. Whoever you are, come out of there!
Strikes table with his stick.
MRS. LEVI:
Goes masterfully to the cupboard—sweeps her umbrella around among the coats and closes each door as she does so.
Nonsense! There’s no man there. See! Miss Fay’s nerves have been playing tricks on her. Come now, let’s sit down again. What were you saying, Mr. Vandergelder?
They sit, MRS. MOLLOY right, MRS. LEVI center, VANDERGELDER left.
A sneeze is heard from the cupboard. They all rise, look towards cupboard, then sit again.
Well now . . .
Another tremendous sneeze.
With a gesture that says, “I can do no more”:
God bless you!
They all rise. MRS. MOLLOY stands with her back to the cupboard.
MRS. MOLLOY:
To VANDERGELDER:
Yes, there is a man in there. I’ll explain it all to you another time. Thank you very much for coming to see me. Good afternoon, Dolly. Good afternoon, Mr. Vandergelder.
VANDERGELDER:
You’re protecting a man in there!
MRS. MOLLOY:
With back to cupboard.
There’s a very simple explanation, but for the present, good afternoon.
BARNABY now sneezes twice, lifting the table each time. VANDERGELDER, right of table, jerks off the tablecloth. BARNABY pulls cloth under table and rolls himself up in it. MRS. MOLLOY picks up the box of chocolates, which has rolled on to the floor.
MRS. LEVI:
Lord, the whole room’s crawling with men! I’ll never get over it.
VANDERGELDER:
The world is going to pieces! I can’t believe my own eyes!
MRS. LEVI:
Come, Mr. Vandergelder. Ernestina Simple is waiting for us.
VANDERGELDER:
Finds his hat and puts it on.
Mrs. Molloy, I shan’t trouble you again, and vice versa.
MRS. MOLLOY is standing transfixed in front of cupboard, clasping the box of chocolates. VANDERGELDER snatches the box from her and goes out.
MRS. LEVI:
Crosses to her.
Irene, when I think of all the interesting things you have in this room!
Kisses her.
Make the most of it, dear.
Raps cupboard.
Good-by!
Raps on table with umbrella.
Good-by!
Exit MRS. LEVI.
MRS. MOLLOY opens door of cupboard. CORNELIUS steps out.
MRS. MOLLOY:
So that was one of your practical jokes, Mr. Hackl?
CORNELIUS:
No, no, Mrs. Molloy!
MRS. MOLLOY:
Come out from under that, Barnaby Tucker, you troublemaker!
She snatches the cloth and spreads it back on table. MINNIE enters.
There’s nothing to be afraid of, Minnie, I know all about these gentlemen.
CORNELIUS:
Mrs. Molloy, we realize that what happened here—
MRS. MOLLOY:
You think because you’re rich you can make up for all the harm you do, is that it?
CORNELIUS:
No, no!
BARNABY:
On the floor putting shoes on.
No, no!
MRS. MOLLOY:
Minnie, this is the famous Cornelius Hackl who goes round New York tying people into knots; and that’s Barnaby Tucker, another troublemaker.
BARNABY:
How d’you do?
MRS. MOLLOY:
Minnie, choose yourself any hat and coat in the store. We’re going out to dinner. If this Mr. Hackl is so rich and gay and charming, he’s going to be rich and gay and charming to us. He dines three nights a week at the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant, does he? Well, he’s taking us there now.
MINNIE:
Mrs. Molloy, are you sure it’s safe?
MRS. MOLLOY:
Minnie, hold your tongue. We’re in a position to put these men into jail if they so much as squeak.
CORNELIUS:
Jail, Mrs. Molloy?
MRS. MOLLOY:
Jail, Mr. Hackl. Officer Cogarty does everything I tell him to do. Minnie, you and I have been respectable for years; now we’re in disgrace, we might as well make the most of it. Come into the workroom with me; I know some ways we can perk up our appearances. Gentlemen, we’ll be back in a minute.
CORNELIUS:
Uh—Mrs. Molloy, I hear there’s an awfully good restaurant at the railway station.
MRS. MOLLOY:
High indignation.
Railway station? Railway station? Certainly not! No, sir! You’re going to give us a good dinner in the heart of the fashionable world. Go on in, Minnie! Don’t you boys forget that you’ve made us lose our reputations, and now the fashionable world’s the only place we can eat.
MRS. MOLLOY exits to workroom.
BARNABY:
She’s angry at us, Cornelius. Maybe we’d better run away now.
CORNELIUS:
No, I’m going to go through with this if it kills me. Barnaby, for a woman like that a man could consent to go back to Yonkers and be a success.
BARNABY:
All I know is no woman’s going to make a success out of me.
CORNELIUS:
Jail or no jail, we’re going to take those ladies out to dinner. So grit your teeth.
Enter MRS. MOLLOY and MINNIE from workroom dressed for the street.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Gentlemen, the cabs are at the corner, so forward march!
She takes a hat—which will be Barnaby’s at the end of Act III—and gives it to MINNIE.
CORNELIUS:
Yes, ma’am.
BARNABY stands shaking his empty pockets warningly.
Oh, Mrs. Molloy . . . is it far to the restaurant? Couldn’t we walk?
MRS. MOLLOY:
Pauses a moment, then:
Minnie, take off your things. We’re not going.
OTHERS:
Mrs. Molloy!
MRS. MOLLOY:
Mr. Hackl, I don’t go anywhere I’m not wanted. Good night. I’m not very happy to have met you.
She crosses the stage as though going to the workroom door.
OTHERS:
Mrs. Molloy!
MRS. MOLLOY:
I suppose you think we’re not fashionable enough for you? Well, I won’t be a burden to you. Good night, Mr. Tucker.
The others follow her behind counter: CORNELIUS, BARNABY, then MINNIE.
CORNELIUS:
We want you to come with us more than anything in the world, Mrs. Molloy.
MRS. MOLLOY turns and pushes the three back. They are now near the center of the stage, to the right of the table, MRS. MOLLOY facing the audience.
MRS. MOLLOY:
No, you don’t! Look at you! Look at the pair of them, Minnie! Scowling, both of them!
CORNELIUS:
Please, Mrs. Molloy!
MRS. MOLLOY:
Then smile.
To Barnaby.
Go on, smile! No, that’s not enough. Minnie, you come with me and we’ll get our own supper.
CORNELIUS:
Smile, Barnaby, you lout!
BARNABY:
My face can’t smile any stronger than that.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Then do something! Show some interest. Do something lively: sing!
CORNELIUS:
I can’t sing, really I can’t.
MRS. MOLLOY:
We’re wasting our time, Minnie. They don’t want us.
CORNELIUS:
Barnaby, what can you sing? Mrs. Molloy, all we know are sad songs.
MRS. MOLLOY:
That doesn’t matter. If you want us to go out with you, you’ve got to sing something.
All this has been very rapid; the boys turn up to counter, put their heads together, confer and abruptly turn, stand stiffly and sing “Tenting tonight; tenting tonight; tenting on the old camp ground.” The four of them now repeat the refrain, softly harmonizing.
At the end of the song, after a pause, MRS. MOLLOY, moved, says:
MRS. MOLLOY:
We’ll come!
The boys shout joyfully.
You boys go ahead.
CORNELIUS gets his hat from counter; as he puts it on he discovers the flowers on it. BARNABY gets his hat from window. They go out whistling.
MINNIE turns and puts her hat on at the mirror.
Minnie, get the front door key—I’ll lock the workroom.
MRS. MOLLOY goes to workroom.
MINNIE takes key from hook left of wardrobe and goes to Mrs. Molloy, at the workroom door. She turns her around.
MINNIE:
Why, Mrs. Molloy, you’re crying!
MRS. MOLLOY flings her arms round Minnie.
MRS. MOLLOY:
Oh, Minnie, the world is full of wonderful things. Watch me, dear, and tell me if my petticoat’s showing.
She crosses to door, followed by MINNIE, as—
THE
CURTAIN
FALLS