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I opened my eyes in the light of a clear dawn, our first in nearly two weeks. For the briefest of moments, I thought I was back in my bed at the palace. I thought I had awoken from a long dream where I had run away from home to be a general in the army and fight against Rome and my sister. The sha had been there, and it had turned into Lord Set the Lurking One, and he had called me his beloved. Plots had been hatched and battles fought, and I had nearly slain Gaius Julius Caesar while my brother beheaded Pompey the Great.
Without rolling over, I could hear the even breathing of Mudjet in her sleep and I give a little snuff of amusement. It had been the strangest of dreams. Soon, servants would come to shake open the curtains and offer us plates of fruit for breakfast. Ganymedes would bring a pile of scrolls for my lessons and Ptah would search for an excuse to leave off our studies early so that I might take him down to the harbor to watch the ships come in.
I drowsily closed my lids against the light with a slow smile, content to drift back to sleep for a few minutes more. But then my memory caught up to the rest of my mind and I jolted awake in my tent in the shadow of the Gate of the Moon.
I swallowed my heart down into my chest as I worked to slow my shallow gasping breaths. My eyes darted around the tent as I acclimated myself once more to my surroundings. My waking mind relearned its place, and as it did, a beautiful sliver of glass was born in its wake. As perfect as crystal and as sharp as shame, it slid down the middle of my insides and left tiny drops of uncertainty behind it. Each drop became a torrent filling every corner in my body, down to the farthest reaches of my fingertips.
I laid down again, instinctively clutching my stomach for comfort. The remembrance of yesterday flooded my body like hot oil and I fought its powerful waves of fear.
Do not panic, I told myself, there is nothing to be gained from it. You told the others today would come with new opportunities. Believe your own words. Think as you have been taught to. What choices lie in front of you?
My brain seized on phantasms of surrender and execution and death until I grit my teeth and forced it into rationality. I remembered in the midst of my embarrassment and feelings of dishonor that the gods were still with us. I could rest in this knowledge not because of my dreams, but because they had created options for me that were not available to my adversaries. If we had carried the day, we would have achieved total mastery of Alexandria and our enemies would have been utterly defeated.
That had not happened, and yet our losses were not measured on the same scale as Caesar’s would be had our positions been reversed. We had lost our battle at sea, but because we held so much of the city, we could choose other battlegrounds. Caesar could only win this fight through complete victory, while I could gain ground by halves.
Mudjet interrupted my thoughts. “Are you awake, my lady?”
“Yes. I am rising presently.”
She sat up and rubbed her neck distractedly. “I cannot believe the Trojan War went on for a decade. I am exhausted after six months of this!”
I gave a little laugh. “Maybe that was the true reason Achilles refused to leave his tent at the beginning of The Iliad.”
“Indeed, that seems altogether more plausible in this moment than notions like honor or the possession of a girl he had just met.” She smothered a yawn. “What will you do this day, my lady?”
I shrugged. “All that we can do. We will attempt to reinforce our lines on Pharos and hope Caesar does not feel inclined to make a push for the island today. We pulled many of his men away from there yesterday, it may take some time to reinstate them.”
“What of the fleet?”
I laid my arm over my eyes. “I think we shall leave it as is for a time. My aspirations to admiralty are apparently not to be, and I am not even sure if we have the materials to achieve any meaningful repairs.”
She rose to light a lamp. “Well then, as usual, we have much to do. Come here, my lady, and I will help you dress.”
––––––––
We left my tent in search of my officers. I could feel my men’s fatigue as we passed, though they did not appear unduly disheartened. All inclined their heads with kind words to us as we went. Near our smaller docks, we found Tahu making notes of supplies.
He greeted us cheerfully. “A pleasant morning to you, my Pharaoh. I hope that you slept well.”
“I have done better, but I appreciate your solicitousness, sir.”
“Today will be better than yesterday, my lady,” he said. “I am sure of it.”
“I hope so. What needs my attention?”
“I think at this time we are well in hand. Sir Ganymedes is checking our position in the Soma, and I am having him call on Madam Palm Fruit to see if there is anything we should be aware of.”
I gave him a wry look. “So you told him at last?”
He grinned. “You know he always had his suspicions, especially after I led him to Madam Sail’s, though my Pharaoh maintained her innocent airs most convincingly. I thought it was time to lay all of our weapons bare. He took it with good grace; probably because you have been so successful with our spies.”
“I was bound to have a few successes in this endeavor by luck if nothing else,” I answered, amused.
“We have more than luck on our side, my lady,” said Tahu stoutly.
“It remains to be seen, my friend. Mudjet, would you go to the Mirror and see if she requires anything of us?”
She pulled up the hood of her cloak. “Of course, my lady. I will return soon.”
Tahu bowed to Mudjet as she left before turning back to me. “I dispatched Lord Ehoou-hanif and Lord Amenei to the catacombs to handle any difficulties the people there might be experiencing. And Sir Ganymedes also sent Hieronymos and Dejen to the island to manage with the Gabiniani before he left. Unless you would rather have them recalled here to work on shipbuilding?”
“No, no. We are of one mind on this. We will resume work on the fleet if the proper materials can be obtained. Let us focus on reinforcing the city.”
––––––––
As the morning wore on, Tahu and I retreated to one of the nearby tents to study our maps out of the sun’s glare. I had expected Mudjet to return more swiftly than she did, though Tahu assured me she no doubt had become entangled in some business or another for me. I had nearly reached the decision to go find her when Ganymedes arrived unexpectedly, his shoulders heaving as he tried to catch his breath. I motioned for someone to get him water, but he held up his hand.
"There is no time, my lady. We are betrayed. The merchants and Greek nobles have struck a bargain with Caesar: they will find a way to give him you for the release of Ptolemy. We have to get you out of here."
I felt the blood drain from my face. "So the hopes of my brother and his dead general come to pass in spite of my efforts. My price has been met."
"Not in the eyes of your army, my child. It is telling that in the face of our setbacks, the enemy had to strike this bargain with those outside your circle."
"It seems that Caesar maintains hope that he can convince Lord Ptolemy to speak to the people and stop the rebellion," said Tahu at my elbow.
"Possibly. Though I believe that the general has been trying to get anyone to give you up to him for months because he has greater faith in beating the young Pharaoh than you, my lady," said Ganymedes. "Although our betrayal does not come from within, our camp is the city, and that is impossible to defend from noncombatant infiltration. The merchants and nobles will send men to kidnap you because they know where you are. You must leave now."
I looked to Tahu dizzily. "Will you help me?"
He nodded. "We will be as shadows, Your Majesty."
A panic grabbed at my heart. "Wait! I cannot leave without Mudjet! Where is she?"
"I know not, but you cannot wait until we find her. You must leave immediately, child. I will send her after you if I can," replied my teacher as he opened chests to dig out clothing for me.
Ganymedes found a plain cloak and threw it around my shoulders. I lifted the vulture crown off my head, it was too heavy and too bright to take with me. The heaviness in my chest was another matter. I bowed my head. Forgive my failure, Sekhmet. I felt a hand on my shoulder and Ganymedes gathered me in his arms.
"The crown resides in your heart, nedjet. No one can take that from you. You have been an Amazon queen out of legend. I tell you true, Caesar comes to capture you because you have met him squarely at every turn. He cannot face the Romans if he continues to be so ignobly harried by a child princess and her army of slaves and renegade Egyptians," he said with a wink at Tahu, who returned it with a little bow.
"Will you keep my men going?"
He grinned. "Do not worry, we will give Caesar all he can handle. And do not despair if those cowards trap you in their nets. I will always come for you."
I held onto my teacher for an instant longer, then I draped the hood of my cloak over my head. Tahu and I slipped out into burning sun. I did not look back.
––––––––
We walked swiftly and silently along the nearest backstreet, keeping watch for anyone who might be connected with the lords who were hunting me.
"Where are we going?" I asked as we went.
"I think if we can get you to the Temple of Isis on Pharos we might be able to claim sanctuary. Though if you are safe, it matters not where we go."
"What about the garrison at the lighthouse?"
"Caesar remains short on reinforcements, he has had to remove most of the men there to fight in the city. Those that are there are being harassed by our own troops. That should be enough of a diversion for us."
Cutting through the crowds, I saw a few people look at me out of the corner of their eyes but no one impeded us. We rounded a harbor wall, stepping out into the vast open space of the coast. There were many people and no hiding places.
And then I saw Ptolemy.
He was with a set of Roman guards, no doubt to keep him from slipping away before I was retrieved. We both froze in place, and for the first time, I was truly afraid of my brother. Recognition lit his features, but there was not even a hint of warmth. There was only a mechanical coldness, a barren streak of some dark emotion I could not grasp.
I understood that the lords of the city had not hatched this plan on their own. He had wheedled it into our sister's ear, and she had accepted. Why? And then I saw the truth: she had accepted because she had planted the seed in him first.
It was as clear as a cloudless day. She must have spoke admiringly of my victories, filled Ptolemy's head with visions of my supposed glory. How mighty a swath I cut as a pharaoh in my own right. That was the dagger thrust for my brother, his vanity would not have allowed him to cede so much to me. Better to get rid of me at last and possibly lose than to see me eclipse him in the hearts of our people. Especially since he had already lost so much face to Cleopatra. And she, like Caesar, she was more confident of beating him than me, and had worked to undo what little shreds remained of our alliance. Lost in my role as general, I had forgotten my political skin. I had been so focused on my need to outwit Caesar and the legions that I forgot that having her Roman chimera meant she had a free hand to exercise her talents in the palace alone. That a soft bed at night was not her only indulgence over me.
I felt as if I had not drawn breath in hours. I could hear the ragged breathing of Tahu at my side, yet none of us seemed capable of movement.
At last, it was Ptolemy who broke the spell. "Arsinoë!" he howled at me across the harbor.
I heard Tahu unsheathe his sword, and with a raspy whisper of, "Run, Your Majesty!" he gave me a small shove to get me going. I bolted into the crowd like a runaway horse and I pushed myself not to glance back as I heard the clatter of armored men coming after me.
As I ran, I knotted the train of my dress above my knees to give my legs more freedom. As if through a heavy curtain, I could hear the commotion of the masses around me. I leapt over jars and crates, sidestepped goats and chickens, and was immeasurably grateful that no Alexandrian seemed to be trying to thwart me. On the contrary, the frequent sounds of crashing and angry shouting suggested that many of them were throwing up obstacles to my pursuers.
Thank you, ta-meriu, I said silently.
I cast around through eyes stinging with dust to get my bearings. I had no better plan than Tahu's, so I changed my course slightly towards the Heptastadion. I hoped the contingent of our soldiers remained there as he said and that they still held our lines close enough to the temple to cover my escape. Or that they would at least be able to slow down the men at my back.
The clatter of hooves told me that several had found horses in an attempt to catch up to me, but luckily the harbor was too crowded and the chaos was terrifying for the animals who were only city beasts, not battle steeds. I felt a freeing sensation in my otherwise constricted chest. At the least I was confident Ptolemy himself could not catch me. I had always been quicker, even before I had received the favor of the gods. I let myself savor a glimpse of triumph in that what I did on my own, my brother continued to make others do for him. That is why Cleopatra and I will forever be greater kings than he.
I made it onto the island and could glimpse the temple in the distance. My lungs were burning and I could feel a trickle of blood dripping from my nose as the sand had ripped its way into my nostrils. I forced myself to keep moving forward, even as my brain began to register the unaccountable absence of my men on the Heptastadion and of almost any other people on Pharos. It sent a creeping sense of dread through my spent limbs.
Just as the temple entrance came into focus, I finally understood. There, standing before the graceful columns of Isis, surrounded by piles of dead Egyptian soldiers, was Caesar. I stopped in my tracks with my breath coming labored gasps, as much from the sight of the corpses and their author as from exhaustion.
"It's all right, Your Highness. None of my men will harm you if you come with us quietly," Caesar called out to me.
"I am not concerned about your men,” I spat back at him, despite the aching rawness of my throat. “I am concerned about your whore."
I saw the flash of a smile from Caesar. "At the moment, you do not have the luxury of worrying about the future, my lady," he said. He took a step towards me, hand on the hilt of his sword.
At my back, a clamor suggested my other pursuers were catching up. My body reacted without my instruction — I darted to my right and took a running leap into the sea.
As the water closed over my head, I began to assess my situation. I thought about staying under and letting the harbor take me. I tried to calculate how long it would take the Romans to find bows among the remains of my soldiers. I wondered if they would jump in after me.
But my heart had already decided what I was to do. My arms pulled me back to the surface, and I swam as swiftly I could manage towards the lighthouse. As the water rushed by my ears, I could hear the soldiers shouting at each other. Their haste told me that gambling on Tahu's information was correct. My brave dead troops had pulled the garrison out from the tower by the sea.
I worked hard to increase my head start; they would have no choice but to gather boats or to take time to remove their weighty armor to swim after me. There was the narrow mole to the far island from Pharos, but it would hardly be faster unless these men had also had the reflexes of cats. I pulled myself along even faster still, knowing Caesar would divide his force and attempt all methods.
I reached the shore and crawled out of the water, coughing up blood and seawater. Still on my knees, I turned my head to look out over the harbor. The waves peaked against the hulls of the ships as their sails and flags fluttered like bright insects. I could pick out screams from the direction of the city, but that was so far away. Here there was only the sea, the ships, and me. My happy, beautiful Egypt.
I knew that my next moves were my last, and I tried to hold onto those ships even as I stood again and compelled my wasted legs to climb the lighthouse steps. The winding staircase filled me with despair, though I forced one foot in front of the other as quickly as I could manage. Every flight or so, I paused to retch on the punishing stones before the echoing shouts of the soldiers would push me on.
I reached the top in haze of sweat and vertigo, my arms trembling as I pulled myself onto the railing's edge and gazed upon the ships once more. I steadied my equilibrium as the droplets of water clinging to my frame shining like the purest of jewels dripped down and fell on the side of the lighthouse. I closed my eyes and let one foot test the hot blowing air. I watched the birds cry to one another as the sun caught the crest of their wings and made them glitter. I took a deep breath and prepared to let go of the column. The silky voice of my Lord suddenly drifted into my ear like a wayward messenger. Be brave, nedjet, it whispered.
As my fingertips brushed off the salt-grit rock, a damp hand grabbed my wrist to pull me back towards the floor. Wobbling in my balance, I whirled around until I saw I was truly in Caesar's grip at last. Because I was still wet from my flight, it took some time for me to notice the water pooling at his feet, his own shortness of breath.
I tried to back off the edge of the railing, and he threw his weight in the other direction to keep me from jumping. I looked into his dark eyes and fancied for a brief moment I saw something akin to fear in them. The thought of it made me want to burst out laughing. This arrogant old man is afraid I will dash my brains out on the rocks of Pharos, that I will escape him and my spiteful sister. Then he will have swam after me like a fool for nothing. Little does he know my ka is a kite he could not have caught if he had a thousand snares. I was so amused that I let loose a wild giggle. I jerked up on my slippery arm to free it just as the smell of smoke hit my nose.
Pure animal instinct made me lift my head until I was looking over Caesar, beyond him, and back to Alexandria. Fear convulsed through my body as I saw a towering wall of fire flaying the ancient backbone of the city. Tears sprang to my eyes as I watched the panicked masses flee the inferno, trampling everything that was not already burnt to ash. I realized this was Ptolemy's doing. Unable to outrun me, he had done what he always did. When he could not win, he destroyed. And it was then that I also knew where the heart of the blaze was. In growing terror, I looked to the southeast and beheld the Library engulfed in flames.
I felt as if I too was on fire. The feeling emanated from my chest and I understood that what I was experiencing was not simply the pain of seeing our transcendent library sacrificed to the winds of war. Egypt burned and the piece of my Lord I carried in my ka writhed at the destruction. I felt the agony of the gods as their land was ripped apart. I felt as if it would rend my bones from my body as wave after wave of misery lashed at my brain.
I know I screamed my life away in that moment. I know Caesar pulled me down from the ledge because I no longer offered any resistance. I know I was bundled off into the arms of one of his tribunes still wailing uncontrollably. Save this, I have been stripped of any other memories of this day.