Last week, one of my little sisters in Christ suggested we start journaling to document this new journey we’re embarking on. We shared a meal opening up some of the ugly truths tucked deep down in our past, and recognized we used to know some of the same demons well. In that moment of breaking bread, I realized we had more in common than we would have known if we never shared that conversation. Our secrets are painful. The memories of them literally sting our flesh. We are comrades in shame. I reach for her hand in the raw truth and say “I am standing here with you.” We decided to embark on a road to celibacy and trusting and waiting on our Father, the Lord. I’ve been dealing with a lot of the trauma from my past with the help of the Holy Spirit. I don’t want to run anymore. I’m tired of crying, of cursing, of being mad. In the digging I have realized I have a deeply embedded desire … craving, for intimacy. Unfortunately, I have gone about finding it in all the wrong ways. Becoming promiscuous, having a baby with a man I only knew for three months, and running back to men from my past although they refuse to commit. How do I get off this hamster wheel? I’m no psychiatrist, but something seems to be broken … a little off in my thinking. So I have decided to embark on a journey in search of truth, healing, restoration, and complete intimacy with my true lover. My creator. My Lord and Shepherd. Why talk about Jesus if I really don’t know Him? If it’s not real for me?