Confession: I have not opened my Bible to study since the last entry I wrote on May 2. Embarrassing. I call myself a believer? Needless to say, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. Battling depression back and forth, backsliding heavily back into marijuana. Having an unholy relationship with a married man, running back to a man who professed his unfailing love for me but refuses to commit. Instead of looking up and trusting God, I’ve built my hope on this man’s lies. I received a housing voucher for Section 8 but it expires pretty soon, and I still haven’t found a place. I started a new job with the state and I flunked the second test, which will be recorded on my permanent file. The next phase of this job training is off to a rough start and doesn’t seem to be clicking at all. I feel completely lost trying to navigate this system. If I’m honest, I refuse to dive into the material and study. I’ve had hour-long conversations that are aimless and purposeless. I crave commitment but won’t commit. I’ve wanted to die. I couldn’t pray. I refused to look up. Confusion. I couldn’t go to church. The Sunday I did manage to get up, I missed the service. I began to be bitter with people who love me and believe things that weren’t true. Now, at the end of this month, I finally recognize I denied and ran from love, the answer, the truth. I ran from God. God who has all of the answers, all the comfort, the love, the support; everything needed was waiting for me to be ready to come home. I want to submit, although I’m afraid I don’t know how. I’ll never know, though, if I don’t open up His word and study.