It’s wise to wait. As I creep upon age thirty, I’m thanking God for allowing me to finally digest this fact. I am a natural “doer.” Everything is green. Caution and stop do not exist. Where there is a will, there will be a way. I could be underneath a jail cell and strategize until I break through into daylight. I am a master at escaping. Manipulator at times. Con artist. At my deepest core, I truly want to be free. I have run past relationships, opportunities, and sadly, even God. I didn’t do so intentionally: I just wanted so badly to discover me. Queen. Why would he give a royal name to somebody so messed up? This name exposes me. Makes me naked in front of the world. They look at me and laugh. Pointing out every flaw, and reminding me that I will never live up to its meaning. Shame. I’ve been banging on heaven’s doors since I was a small child, asking Him to show me the truth about who He created me to be. Patience. In over twelve years, that was His stable response. I was starving and He told me to wait. I had no other choice but to obey. I was angry at Him for giving me one word, but later understood that this word was the key that would unlock my destiny. Queen. That royal answer sat inside the pit of my soul, patiently waiting for me to be still long enough to learn the lessons. Still long enough for healing to take place.
My reflection wanted desperately to look into our eyes so that I could see through the pain into the beauty. If only I could lift my head high enough to look up. To find a way to love myself. The scars would paint a picture that told a story that would put my past to rest once and for all. Never be ashamed of transforming. As I approach thirty, I am grateful. Peaceful. Anxious for nothing. Single-minded. Unbound. Joyful. Content. I don’t have the desire to talk or explain as much as I once did. I’m more interested in listening these days. Discerning. He keeps their minds in perfect peace those who put their trust in Him. Sitting in peace perfectly.