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I HAVE TO GO BACK A bit now to remember my days as an eager young JW but when I do I am always amazed at what a weakling I see with the benefit of hindsight! I was scared of everything, the World, other Brothers and Sisters but most of all the Elders! Sure I liked (even loved) many of them but on the whole I was one scared young man!
I was also a gossip and judgemental, ever ready to run to Elders if I saw or heard something that I felt wasn’t up to Jehovah’s standards. I was also ready to tell on myself too and constantly felt guilty while also (strangely) feeling better than non JW’s. I was pompous but also hugely ignorant, how often these two qualities are found together!
These were just a few of the bad qualities inside me that helped keep my under control and might be working on you too.
How you leave the JW’s depends entirely on what you want from the experience. Do you have loved ones still inside the cult? Do you want to continue some sort of relationship with them? Do you plan on helping others leave too? Are you a central part of your Kingdom Hall or are you already on the outskirts of it? How you answer these questions will help you come up with a plan to get out.
I want you to imagine this book is a sort of a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book! I will give your a few different examples and show you how to you might give yourself or your family enough time and space to make the needed changes in your lives to walk away. As I said earlier, much of what I’ll tell you will be obvious to most “Worldly” people but to those of us raised in “The Truth” it will seem very difficult indeed and maybe even make us feel guilty! But please remember why you want out of the JW’s and try to realize that in this case the ends truly do justify the means, so Let’s get started!
1 Secrets are normal and OK
You’ve got a secret. Not only do I know you’ve got a secret but I know what it is!
You don’t believe it’s the Truth any more. You know they teach lies, have done for over a century! You know they punish anyone who asks questions. You might even know that they cover up for child sexual abuse and have allowed tens of thousands of young kids to suffer under the old excuse of “Not bringing reproach on Jehovah’s name”.
Now normally I am the last person you want to share your secret with, except for one thing. I had the same secret as you and just like you I have spent nights awake crying and praying that it was all a mistake and that things could go back to normal. The truth is, when you start to learn “The Truth About The Truth” you need to act and then it’s not a secret any more!
As a JW you might not have even noticed that you don’t really understand the value of secrecy. You have been taught to tell your innermost thoughts when asked by the Elders. You have been indoctrinated in the lie that no secret is more important than the need of those Elders to know whatever they might feel is important. This is one of the reasons why you can’t tell anyone you love about the doubts you no have. You can’t tell your Mother or Father, Brother or Sister what’s wrong, even your Husband or Wife is very likely to betray you to the Elders and this has indeed happened countless times.
What you probably didn’t think about is that YOU are very likely to give away the game yourself! When asked why you haven’t been on service recently you will feel obliged to tell them why. When offered responsibilities in the Kingdom Hall you will refuse and possibly say why. Such honestly will win you a one way ticket to a Judicial Committee and your disfellowshipping for Apostasy. This is what your Elders want, this is what they MUST do if you give them the slightest reason to doubt your faithfulness and loyalty.
So let me repeat myself, Secrets are normal and OK. Do not tell anyone what you think about your religion, even if they try to lead you into it by pretending that they have doubts too. Only talk if you are certain they will not go to the Elders and in my opinion you can never be certain. The only way for two people to keep a secret is if one is dead, so keep your mouth shut, always.
Just refusing to speak to loved ones and Elders when they ask you awkward questions is very rarely good enough. I’m afraid you’re going to have to do more if you want to keep your secrets to yourself, you will have to engage in some constructive dishonesty to keep them, here’s what you can do.
2 Give yourself space to break free! (The Art Of The Slow Fade)
The moment you make your mind up to leave the JW’s you will want to do it right away. If you have a family inside (which is very normal) then you’ll want them to leave with you but that’s the hard part! Very often you’ll need to invest lots of time and effort in helping them get out too, that’s very tough to do when confronted with the daily grind of meetings, field service, assemblies and family study. You need to make time for yourself and your loved ones, away from the non stop JW lifestyle, I’m writing this from a male perspective but I hope a lot of my advice will be useful for the Sisters too!
If you are a man reading this you will have the worries of some added responsibilities. You might be a Pioneer, Ministerial Servant or god forbid, an Elder! Even if you are just “Rank and File” like I was you will be expected to be “Reaching Out”. Now all this reaching out requires lots of time but what’s even worse, it means you are being watched and evaluated. A single misstep can spell disaster so you will need to get away from that quickly.
Grow a beard. That’s right, grow a beard. Almost as soon as you get stubble most Kingdom Halls will decide you are unfit to do anything, even touching the microphones will be beyond your pay grade! Of course you will be asked why you are now sporting face fur so be ready for your first white lie, “I have Excema and my doctor told me to leave my face alone”. Stick with this line firmly and tell them that you are under the care of a physician and cannot do anything else.
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THE ELDERS MIGHT RELENT when hearing this and try to let you go on as normal but this is when you pull the coup de grace, “My conscience won’t let me take on responsibilities in the Hall until I can be a better example to the young ones”. You have now carefully extracted yourself from countless hours of work and you looked good doing it.
Obviously this will be a hard trick to pull off if you are a Sister! So I’d suggest you stick to the old faithful of excuses, “I’m very depressed and cannot bring myself to do more than I am”. This will again be questioned so it’s important to stick to the line that you are under the care of a doctor and will not discuss this under any circumstances.
With luck you now have much less to do than you did before but you still have Meetings, Service and Assemblies to go to. If you claimed depression you can easily use the same excuse to avoid many, if not all of these too! If you didn’t then you need to invent a new reason to claw back some of your time and use it more productively.
Start going out on Service! DON’T start Pioneering, that’s not what I said. I said start going out on service but do it on your own or with a partner who also wants to leave the JW’s.
The best thing about Field Service is that you can do it whenever you like and you can do it on your own! For sure everyone in your Congregation will want to see you out with them so be sure to show your face from time to time but you can use the time you claim on service to go to job interviews, arrange new housing or just do overtime to save up money to keep you going after you leave!
If you want to get a certificate at night school you can claim you have a Bible Study. When you have gained it make sure to tell anyone who asks that they ended their study due to being a smoker. You can use the opportunity to tell any nosey Elders that “They knew it was the truth but just wouldn’t stop their bad behaviour. This has the benefit of making them feel superior while making you seem like a loyal, pompous JW! You can use this new found time to do an unlimited number of things, just make sure whatever you do is useful and helps progress your goal of leaving the JW’s.
Back when I was a Witness I remember some well to do Elders kids going to University. As a would be pioneer this annoyed me and I wondered how they got away with it? I learned years later that it was because their parents taught them a very sneaky way to deal with comments about getting a further education, “I plan to serve at Bethel and want to be of use to Jehovah”.
That one sentence is usually enough to divert suspicion from them and allow them to carry on preparing for adult life sensibly. If you can’t pretend you want to go to Bethel you might tell them that you want to get a job that allows you the time to serve Jehovah as a full time Pioneer. This will get a little more negative attention and recommendations to quit and become a Janitor but it can be enough to let you spend 2 or 3 more years at school getting a much needed education.
You might want to look at moving away from your home town because if you do your congregation records must be forwarded on to the new Kingdom hall whose territory you find yourself in. Ideally you’ll get those records yourself and then never hand them to anyone, by doing this you will effectively become invisible. Elders are just ordinary men like you and I. They need to work their boring manual labour jobs to keep their family and THEN spend countless hours tending to the needs of their congregations. If you can make it as difficult as possible to be contacted, leave enough leeway so there isn’t one single Kingdom Hall who feels you belong to them you might slip through the cracks and into happy oblivion!
I have spoken to a lot of young people who leave the JW’s and they often have the same problem, no money, no home, no friends. It might seem strange but I always ask them to think about looking for employment that will offer them a room and food too. You probably have never given it much thought but hotels, resorts, the Coast Guard and the Military can all help you move away, earn a living and keep a roof over your head during a difficult transition, it’s an added bonus that you might make friends at the same time!
Don’t worry, 90% of people who enlist work behind front lines and if you are still clinging to a belief that it’s morally wrong to join the Army then they are lots of charities who would be delighted to accept you as a volunteer. You could spent the next year or two in a distant part of the world doing more good than the most generous JW could ever imagine while beginning your new life away from a manipulative cult.
While we’re at it, make sure to get all important documents (or at least copies of them) in your possession before you leave. This is especially important for young people because JW parents will try anything to manipulate you into going back to the meetings. If you need a Birth Certificate, Green Card, School Records six months after leaving you’re very likely to find that your family are unwilling to give them to you!
Joining any job that requires security clearance will almost certainly need a detailed family history completed. They may want full names and current addresses of aunts, uncles and grandparents. They may even need your parents to fill in some paperwork personally, this can usually be resolved if you explain that your parents are unsupportive of you and decent employers will find a way to resolve the problem. Try to be prepared for everything and ready to stand on your own feet.
If you do what I’ve said you now have many more hours to make your plans to leave the JW’s, no doubt you can think of lots of other ways you can do this as well. The trick is realizing that it’s alright to do this and not at all difficult, so long as you keep your secrets to yourself and use your time wisely. Now you have enough time to prepare what problems might you face if you leave the JW’s and what can you do to mitigate them?
3 Prepare to lose your support network
It is a sad fact that not all your friends or family will leave the JW’s when you do. You are going to be faced with some choices that would make Solomon weep and I want to be clear that I am not trying to minimise them or ignore them. I DO want to make you aware of some of the issues you may face and offer you ideas on how to minimise the problems. I hope these ideas help you.
First off I want to deal with the inevitable heartbreak you are about to face. You WILL lose contact with loved ones. The Jehovah’s Witnesses use shunning to punish anyone who leaves and they will use it on you, don’t think they won’t. You’re mother and father, brother and sister will very likely turn their backs on you and horrible as this will be it can be even worse if you are unprepared for it.
At this point you might decide that leaving the JW’s is too much to do. If you have children or grandchildren inside you might come to the (understandable) conclusion that you need to remain a part of it too, I understand why you think this and if I was wearing your shoes I might be doing the same thing. You can still use your head to keep yourself as far removed from JW life without ending up shunned.
If you do decide to leave the JW’s then you need to prepare for some degree of isolation. I have spoken to so many people going through this and many of them are dealing with very similar problems so if you are too, you’re in good company! Here are just a few issues you can prepare yourself for.
Depression is a very serious issue for EXJW's who are dealing with shunning, it can be enough on its own to convince a lot of people that they made a mistake by leaving the JW’s and sadly a lot are forced to “Return To Jehovah”. The thing to remember is that it is a weapon the Governing Body use to make you doubt yourself and force you to come back. It is nothing more than blackmail and only you can decide if it’s enough to force you back into their clutches but whatever you do, don’t convince yourself that leaving the JW’s is the reason you’re feeling depressed.
Fighting depression is just that, a fight and there are lots of things you can do to win, I’ve included a few but this book is NOT a substitute for professional help and I hope you get some if you find yourself in that position.
Recognize and Conquer Your Critical Self Attacks
“It’s all my fault. If only I could have made it work I’d be happy” It’s not your fault. It’s not. You left the JW’s for a good reason and you need to remember why every time you feel low. You need to remember that you were NOT happy as a JW, you were miserable and living a lie. Don’t let your depression make you doubt the best decision you ever made.
Be Active
Get out! You will have so much more free time so don’t waste a moment. Start a new hobby, get fit. Do whatever you can to keep yourself from thinking about the negative consequences of leaving the JW’s.
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DON'T ISOLATE YOURSELF
Don’t let the JW’s win! Don’t let them turn you into a hermit. Go out and make new friends, what did you always want to do as a JW but couldn’t? Do it! When I left I started boxing and martial arts, When I was feeling low I went training every night. I learned so much that was useful and gained the confidence to smile and say hi every time I see a former “Brother” or “Sister” ever since.
See a Therapist
Speaking to mental health professionals is not recommended for JW’s. Until very recently it was considered a sign that you were lacking faith in Jehovah. The real reason the Elders don’t want you to see a therapist is because they will question your faulty thinking and encourage you to think for yourself, which is the kiss of death for their aims to keep you inside their cult. See a therapist if you can and tell them about your experiences. They can really help, I know.
Control Your Drinking
One of the few vices Jehovah’s Witnesses allow themselves is Alcohol. Perhaps it’s because some of their founding fathers were huge alcoholics but JW’s have enjoyed a cosy relationship with booze since their earliest days. Perhaps the reason JW’s drink so much is in order to dull the prolonged misery they experience throughout their lives. Perhaps we drink just to experience something different in our boring lives but it hardly matters why we drink, it’s enough to know that we do.
The fact that JW’s drink pretty heavily means anyone who leaves is perfectly placed to misuse alcohol as self medication when they encounter serious problems associated with leaving the cult. I have spoken to dozens of EXJW’s, a lot have had very real problems with alcohol. When I left the JW’s I made a rule that I would never drink when feeling low and that rule has (I am sure) prevented me from using alcohol as a crutch during bad times. The problems you’re facing are huge and will not be helped by drinking, stay safe.
Now I have covered depression to the best of my limited ability I want to deal with another problem that EXJW’s don’t think about until it’s to late, homelessness. Most who leave the JW’s are young and therefore live with their parents. This poses a huge problem if those parents decide that shunning is not enough and demand their children leave the house, that’s why you need to prepare for the possibility.
A simple way to prepare is to make sure you have a job, it’ll be much harder to stand on your own two feet if you are still in diapers! Don’t be forced to rely on family but make certain you can afford to live alone and start saving money as soon as you can. Cut back on anything not essential and make sure things like mobile phone bills, car and insurance are in your name so they can’t be taken away as punishment. While we’re talking about cars, now might be the time to get a good big car “For Field Service”......
I know a lot of people who have have been forced to spend some time in their cars. Some hardy folks choose to do it, that’s probably easier if you live in a warm climate! Preparing in advance by replacing your car with a bigger one, perhaps a minivan or people carrier that you can sleep use in an emergency is a good idea. Ideally if told to leave the family home you’ll be able to move into a nice place and start living an awesome life but if you can’t it helps to have multiple fall back positions and there’s no shame in preparing for the worst while hoping for the best.
In the last few pages I have offered you just a few ideas to make your life easier as you move past your old life inside the Jehovah’s Witnesses and into a new one where you will have an infinity of options, this is sometimes called “The Slow Fade”. If done correctly you will gradually be forgotten by anyone who is capable of making your life difficult. I have tried to show you a few of the pitfalls you can face as you leave and I bet once you start thinking about it you’ll begin to think of more ways to prepare for your departure, I hope it goes as well for you as it did for me maybe even better!
When times get bad, when family shun you or you lose your home remember why you left. When you feel like leaving was a mistake, when you think about going back with your tail between your legs remember why you left. Remember the life you lived, a wasted life paying to support a gang of conmen on the Governing Body. Remember all the petty indignities you have suffered, or caused others to suffer while you were a Jehovah’s Witness and then think hard before you return, life will get better and you will live to laugh at how scared you are today.