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YOU HAVE JUST MADE the biggest decision in your life. You have left the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Whether you left alone, with your wife and kids or as part of a larger group will once again decide what you do now. What kind of relationships you want with family still inside will also play an important factor, let’s talk about what it’s like in “Babylon The Great”.
When I was growing up a young JW I thought that everyone not in my religion was bad, or on the road to becoming bad. I had no idea what drove them, what they liked to do or how to talk to them. In fact the only times I did talk to them (outside work) was when I was going door to door trying to convert them and you’ll remember that what we did could hardly be described as having a conversation!
Speaking more personally as a man I lacked the basic male vocabulary. I didn’t pay attention to sports and when talking to fellow JW’s it was often about magazines, meetings or general gossip related to being a Jehovah’s Witness. Worst of all, my JW training in the ministry though making me a good speaker also meant that I was really doing little more in a conversation than waiting impatiently for the worldly person to stop talking so I could jump in with “Yes, that’s terrible. Did you know god promises a future where you won’t feel so sad?”
Looking back it’s safe to say I was unprepared to make new friends and I still struggle with that today. I hope you are totally different to me. I hope you are able to jump into new relationships and build long term friendships that are real and meaningful because it’s important that we have friends and at least attempt to make up for the holocaust of lost friendships that is hitting us. Many EXJW’s try to avoid that by hiding or keeping a low profile and I know several that succeeded, I also know of couples that moved across the world, settled into a new life in a foreign land and months later were met with a knock on the door from the local Elders asking if they “Still considered themselves to be Jehovah’s Witnesses”, even demanding they sign a declaration that they were not!
If you want to leave the JW’s with a bang I would like to be the first to welcome you to the EXJW community! You’ll find us on Facebook, Reddit and of course YouTube. I can honestly tell you that I have met some amazingly kind and generous people since leaving the JW’s. The EXJW community is vibrant and funny. We understand each other due to our collective past but nobody is defined by it. We support one another during low times and rejoice with them when they succeed in life. Don’t be afraid of EXJW’s, we are very often the best friends you’ll make.
A great way to kick-start life outside the Jehovah’s Witnesses is through your non JW family! For most of your life you have probably had dozens of family members nearby who you’ve had little or nothing to do with, now is the time to get in touch with them and tell them that you are no longer a JW! You might be worried about contacting people you have carefully ignored for decades but don’t be. It’s very likely they will know why you were so strange and that they felt sorry for you during those years. Contacting them now will allow you the possibility of making new family friends and it only takes one of them to be there in an emergency to make it worthwhile.
If you don’t want to become known as a dreaded “Apostate”, perhaps you still want to have contact with JW relatives still inside then you will have to go undercover. The good news is that most JW families (sadly not all) will be willing to speak to family who no longer attend meetings. What will end a relationship for sure is being labelled an Apostate so the aim of the game is to avoid this, here’s how you can try to do that.
1 Do not talk about religion, or anything controversial
This is very difficult as your family will try to get you to talk, partly to interrogate you and partly to scare you back to Jehovah. By refusing to engage you stop them having a reason to report you to the Elders
2 Claim illness to explain your absence
Jehovah’s Witnesses are an unhealthy lot, at least we claim to be! Whether we are genuinely unwell or (as I think) we claim illness so we can do less in “Jehovah’s Service” I honestly can’t say but whatever the reason Illness is a great way to avoid trouble.
As I said earlier the traditional way to be ill is to claim depression and let’s be honest, most of us were depressed so it’s not even a lie! When Elders or family approach you now you have stopped going to the meetings simply say you are suffering from clinical depression. Tell them you are under treatment and don’t wish to discuss the matter with them any more. If you want to look like you’re trying to return by all means put in a false report claiming a few hours “Informal Witnessing” every month. You can seamlessly blend the process of preparing to leave into actually leaving and continue many of the same tricks.
Make an appointment with your local Doctor and tell them what you are doing. Tell them the lengths you must go to to avoid losing family and that the stress is intolerable. Tell them that it is making you suicidal, though you can contain it. At this point ask for a written letter from them that you are unable to take part in any judicial procedures with the Jehovah’s Witnesses and doing so will put your health in serious danger. Now copy that letter and save it for later.
3 Don’t meet the Elders (ANY Elders)
There will come a point when the Elders will want to see you. They will tell you or your family that they want to “Encourage” you and they might even believe it but that’s a lie. They are coming to make a decision, “Are you still a Jehovah’s Witness?”. If they decide that the answer is likely to be no they will initiate a process that can only lead to your disfellowshipping or disassociation. It’s important to avoid meeting with the Elders if at all possible. If a family member is an Elder be cautious when speaking to them as they could easily put their loyalty to the cult over their love of you.
4 Sometimes No Doesn’t Mean No
I mentioned earlier that despite your best efforts you may end up standing in front of two earnest strangers one day. You’ll answer a knock on the door and get that old sick feeling in your stomach when you realize it’s Jehovah’s Witnesses but this visit won’t be what you expect. These JW’s will be Elders and they will know you and will be demanding a meeting with you.
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IT COULD BE THAT YOU get approached by Elders you know, possibly even had deep friendships with. This will change nothing. Avoid talking you can. If told that “They need to have a meeting with you” say No firmly. At this point it’s very common to be threatened that “A meeting regarding your status as a Jehovah’s Witness will be help with or with you”, at this point it’s time to take off the gloves and make it clear that your are no pushover.
5 Play Hardball
You will need to make it clear, it you want to have relationships with current JW’s that you are NOT resigning (however much you’d like to) from the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Tell them that you have medical issues preventing you from talking to them and you regard further communication as harassment and detrimental to your goal of returning to Jehovah! Send them a letter stating this, use a lawyer if possible. Bring out your Doctors letter and give them a copy of it. Everything you’re doing is intended to make dealing with you very difficult for the JW’s and make them acutely aware that should they push you to far there is a paper trail leading directly to their cruelty!
Do all of this as politely as you can and simply refuse to talk any more. The Elders will now contact HQ for instructions. I have known this work for some people and not for others but It’s the best way to go about things in my opinion. If it fails to slow the Elders down you’ll get a letter or message asking you to attend a meeting. Repeat step one and advise them that you consider this further harassment and will be seeking compensation from the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society and THEM PERSONALLY. The last part might be enough to make them reconsider their actions and maybe even leave you alone!
I have spent a lot of time trying to help you avoid officially leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses. In all honesty I hate doing it. Life outside the JW’s is so much deeper and more meaningful than you can ever imagine, if you want it to be!
The reason I wrote this booklet is to help deal with what I see as a real problem among EXJW’s. So many of us leave the cult totally unprepared for what we’ll face. We are usually thrown outside into a world that we were taught to fear, hate even and told to make it work or come back on bended knee. Well I don’t do “bended knee” and what most JW’s don’t know is that the world outside is amazing! When you leave you have a choice, skulk around and live in misery or grab life by the horns and enjoy it!
The first thing you’ll want to look at is yourself, I will spend the next chapter dealing with the spiritual/mental side of you but right now I want to deal with the physical side. What job do you do right now? Speaking for myself I was one of the legion of JW janitors and speaking for my people (the janitorial community) it’s a hard job and only gets harder as you get older! If you are young enough do everything in your power to study and learn a trade that will set you up for the future, because you’ll have one I promise!
As JW’s we thought and were constantly told that we would never grow old in the wicked system, well that’s a lie and the sooner you begin to prepare for it the easier life will be for you. If you aren’t able to change jobs, start to grow your business and look for opportunities to expand what you do. When I left the JW’s I built up my business until I had three vans on the road and was earning in 3 months what I used to earn in a year! I also added to the services I offered and bought expensive equipment to make my business stand out from the crowd.
I can’t tell you how good it felt to be driving one of my sign written vans and see a beat up little car with ladders on the roof and know exactly who was driving it, not to mention the fact that I looked exactly the same way only 12 months earlier. I’m not claiming to be a great success, over the years I’ve had some very hard setbacks but some of the things I did when I left the JW’s continue to allow me to run a profitable business and look after my family today.
Try to write out a business plan for your life. Give yourself reasonable goals and only plan a few years ahead. If in doubt reread your plan and ask yourself “Do my actions help or hinder my goals?”
You will need to fill the holes left in your life by shunning so I now advise you to go out and make friends. Not everyone is bad or wants to live an immoral life, in fact most people you meet will be nice and treat you as you treat them. For sure there are bad people everywhere but you met plenty of bad people in the JW’s!
Join clubs of all kinds, take classes with your free time and invite people over for meals. Date. Go out on dates and don’t worry about whether you plan to get married to them. Find things you love and try everything you wanted to try but weren’t allowed to before. Be consistent and decent while doing this. Don’t feel forced to do anything your conscience says you shouldn’t but be aware that your conscience has been formed by a group of men intent on keeping you in a cult so question why doing a thing might be wrong and be prepared to change your mind.
As you get further and further away from JW life you’ll begin to notice that you’re no longer the same person you used to be. You won’t be afraid of your own shadow, you’ll be ready to speak out about what you think and (particularly for the women reading) you’ll start to realize you can lead a happy life without feeling obliged to obey every word that comes from a man, whether it be your Husband or the Elders.
In time the difference in you will shine through. Even your best efforts to hide will be a failure but that’s a good thing. Soon your JW family will see that you just aren’t like them any more. While they worry about every earthquake or hurricane you will be busy enjoying your life. While they scrutinise the length of a Sisters skirt on the Ministry you’ll be starting a business or enjoying a holiday.
In short, the life you lead outside the Jehovah’s Witnesses will be entirely what you make of it. If you want to be scared, you’ll be scared. If you want to be small, you’ll be small. If you want to show that you are actually a giant that was temporarily caged but is now reaching out and doing great things you will do great things, or at least have the chance to do them.
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I HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE but it bares repeating. When I was a Jehovah’s Witness I thought I was myself. Now that I look back on those days I see a judgemental, ignorant bumpkin, a gutless coward who was equal parts fear and nosiness. Now I’m still in many ways a massive disappointment but anyone who honestly looks at themselves will see a lot to disappoint them! Beneath that I see a man who has lived a fairly normal life. I have married, had kids and I’m incredibly happy that neither of them will ever know what it’s like to grow up in a cult. I see a man who saw through a lie and walked away from it, despite the hurt. I have had amazing opportunities and experiences, none of which I’d have experienced as a JW and I have many more years to enjoy MY life.
It’s YOUR life too. You can make of it whatever you can. You’ll have set backs and failure, sometimes they will crush you but they will be yours and you’ll get through it. You’ll have success too and when you do make sure to tell any active JW who you see so they know how good life can be outside the cult. In my final chapter I want to deal with WHAT you’ll replace the Jehovah’s Witness structure with and how to life a better life with the help of education and your amazing brain.