Beginning the Journey with Sheer Acceptance
‘It is important to remember that there are two people having a baby and that a man also goes through a transitional period of stress when deep emotions may be stirred and his behaviour may be difficult to understand.’
— Sheila Kitzinger
Whether the pregnancy is planned or unexpected, having mixed feelings from excitement to ambivalence to panic is normal. You may have definite concerns regarding your unborn, your relationship with your partner, finances, home or anything else. Allow yourself your feelings, keeping in mind that accepting your fatherhood with a welcoming heart will empower you for what lies ahead.
If still in doubt, know that philosophies, religions, books, therapists and consultants, all have only one answer to all the challenges of life’s journey—whatever comes to you, take charge.
Life is saying, ‘Get set, daddy!’
I Affirm:
This is the perfect time for this child to come into my life. I trust my inner wisdom for awakening my fatherly abilities to nurture my child.
The Ambiguous Role of a Dad-to-Be
The role of the mother from the moment of conception until birth is well-known and clearly defined. She becomes important, the centre of attention and is taken care of by one and all.
The father has no biological role to play in a pregnancy and is left isolated to figure it out for himself. It is expected that, without the life skills ever been consciously taught, a man will be all intuitive, understanding and supportive of the pregnant one. The world often complains and rightly makes note of absent fathers. But what is done to enable them to get fully involved and establish their role in the process from the beginning?
Nature’s Lens:
The male is biologically isolated from the process of reproduction after fertilization. In many primitive species across genera, the male actually has a life only until fertilization. In these species, after mating, male drones die, get eaten by the female, thrown out of the colony or are too depleted to survive.
The Irreplaceable Role of the Father
From genetic composition to our psychological health, fathers play a pivotal role in shaping us, whether they are present, absent, involved or indifferent.
Did You Know?
According to official USA government sources, children from fatherless homes are:
There are more prisoners in state-run facilities that come from fatherless households, prompting documentation of a father's absence through government research studies, done by various agencies. These statistics come from a collection of agencies, including the US Census Bureau, the US Department of Justice, the Center for Disease Control, the National Principals Association. Source: CTI www.thecoaches.com
Few things are more damaging to a child emotionally and physically than a father who abuses or neglects her/his mother. A vital factor in the child’s emotional well-being is the father’s commitment to the partnership.
Though it is not impossible for a mother to raise a baby all by herself, a happy, whole childhood calls for both parents’ presence and attention.
Confident and Capable Modern Dads
Not many generations ago, the father-child experience was riddled with emotional distance. We are well into the age when this is rightly dissolving into wholesome involvement and free communication. To be able to cultivate and nurture this may not come very naturally if one has had one’s own conflicts with parents while growing up, but with intent, thoughtfulness and inspiration, it is possible to break free.
In terms of evolution, fatherhood is at a very exciting junction in the present age. Fathers are rewriting all the rules and breaking all limitations of what they could or were supposed to contribute. Today, fatherhood is about expanding your strengths and talents to shape your relationship with your child. Changing a diaper, driving the kids to school or playing a game, modern fathers do not classify jobs as within or outside their realm of responsibilities.
Dad Shares:
On our first prenatal visit, I was introduced to the concept that I was also ‘pregnant’. This was a brain-stopper for me and it clicked. From that moment on I adopted the stance that I was also having this baby. I believe it allowed me to more easily engage with my child. I understood that by caring for my wife, I was also caring for our child and embraced my new role at an early stage.
However, sometimes, the mother can unintentionally isolate the father, because of her own issues or rearing.
If our lives are an instrument of our growth, then fatherhood as much as motherhood is an important lesson where a father will expand as well as withdraw, intuit as much as decide, plan and falter, correct and connect, choose and sit back, interfere and let go, work alone and also in a team, ending up transformed along the way. Through being a father, a man also learns of pain, selflessness and unconditional love.
Nature’s Lens:
On the evolutionary timeline, long-term partnerships came first and, as a result, there was a reduced need for fighting and violence between males to pursue new mates. This may have freed energy to channel into paternal care, which followed.
Nurture Your Physical, Psychological and Spiritual Well-being
‘Fathers, like mothers, are not born. Men grow into fathers—and fathering is a very important stage in their development.’
— David M. Gottesman
How you take care of yourself during this important phase of your life will determine how effectively you will handle the added responsibilities after the baby’s birth. By creating an environment which can support you to make healthy lifestyle choices, you are able to nurture your whole being and your family.
This really is the time to make some intelligent lifestyle choices for maintaining your wholesome well-being. When the responsibilities for childcare come in, conquering your habits may become harder.
Excessive alcohol inhibits your capacity for decisions or rational thinking. Done regularly, it draws you away from your responsibilities as a father. As for drugs, would you ever want your child to do it? You can change it all now, by modelling yourself.
A constant nutrition focus
Bring your undivided attention to the nutrition of your family. Make meals full of health and eat them with connection,. A family that eats together, stays together.
Fitness and energy management
Be it longevity, health, happiness or accomplishment, regular and wholesome exercising is the way you can offer the best to yourself and your family.
Behaviour matters
Kids learn how to treat and interact with others at a very young age. Start analyzing your behaviour and try to be in a calm state. Learn to manage your reactions and adopt techniques like yoga, deep breathing and meditation for mindfulness and stress release.
Doing what you do
Keep it simple. Depending upon which phase of life you’re in, settle responsibilities for tasks where you can, like chores, grocery shopping, cooking or paying the bills in a mutually agreeable way. True, your systems may go haywire every now and then, but there will be less bewilderment at other times.
Sex During Pregnancy
In a normal and healthy pregnancy, there is usually no medical reason to avoid sex, but keep in mind the following:
During pregnancy, some women are seen to report a stronger drive and more fulfilment, whereas others may lose interest in sex. It is important for partners to not attribute a reduced sex drive onto themselves or their relationship and to talk about what bothers them.
Even if advised against, do not let a temporary period of abstinence dampen your intimacy. Intercourse is only one aspect of sexual intimacy. Aim for more contact, conversation and time with each other as the pregnancy progresses. Hugs, cuddles, kisses, massages, sweet nothings and encouraging conversations can never be contraindicated and are often not valued enough.
Men must know that a woman’s need for love and validation is often increased during this time.
Make the time and opportunity to connect physically, emotionally and intellectually with your partner in new ways. It may create memories for a lifetime, and you might discover more activities that keep you together.
Research Suggests:
Fathers experience hormonal changes that mirror their partner’s during pregnancy. More oxytocin fosters closeness and vasopressin fosters commitment. Prolactin also rises during pregnancy and after childbirth, encouraging them to care for the mother and child. The bonding causes more hormonal surge which promotes more bonding. Allow nature to work its way, and do not be afraid to show it!
Stand By Your Partner in This Crucial Period
‘The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.’
— Theodore M. Hesburgh
You have an opportunity for great expansion in your role as a nurturer and supporter for your family. However, avoid any tendency to think you must be a super-dad. Be willing to forgive yourself when things do not go to plan or you experience any upsets. Be gentle and kind with yourself and ask for support whenever you need it.
One of the best ways you can contribute to your unborn’s optimal development is to love, support and care for the child’s mother.
A woman needs to share her worries or conflicts for comfort. She might also express concerns about feeling unprepared for the baby or her capacity as a mother. She needs your love and support as she experiences the turbulence of pregnancy and childbirth. It is important to be sensitive and reassuring. Intellectual analysis will usually not be much help.
With both you and your partner on a whirlwind of changes and emotions, it is possible to build an ‘I heal you and you heal me’ relationship where you both constantly share and help each other uncover repressed emotions and deal with them.
Your Wife is Not the Same Person Now
Appreciate the magnitude of change that the woman’s body goes through as it makes, nurtures and delivers a whole baby, scratch to finish, all in a span of less than a year. Add to this the tide after tide of change to be able to mother it and ensure its survival after birth.
The biochemistry that runs this show with such speed is not so mindful of how reproduction alters the life of the woman, her body, mind and soul. Its sole purpose is to do everything it can in the interest of the progeny. That leaves us with two options, either the woman battles her nervous rewiring, churning stomach, softening bones, aching back and disoriented state alone, or she be well supported, loved and cared for as she goes through it all.
You will have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship is changing and your partner is not the same person as she was. A fierce self-preservation and assertion tendency can sometimes show in an otherwise reasonable and yielding woman, which is part of her transformative experience. Her reactions will change, worries will wreck her nerves and past issues may recirculate through her system for cleansing.
To nurture peace in the family, take the lead; try to suspend judgement and practice acceptance towards your partner. Say yes to her state of mind, body and emotions. Be willing to listen to whining, body symptoms, emotional issues and complaints about you and the rest of the world. Avoid arguments whenever possible.
Your Partner’s Changing Body
A woman’s body image can be very sensitive during pregnancy. While most women feel beautiful and glowing, sometimes women may also feel ugly or miserable. Use care and encouragement if you speak with her about it.
Women place a high value on being listened to. While we all want to feel that we are being heard, this doubles for a woman and quadruples for a pregnant woman.
To have a strong and sure man by her side feels good to a woman.
Be Sensitive to Her Needs But Don’t Forget Your Own
Sometimes you may not understand your partner’s needs as she herself may not be very clear about them. Be kind in expressing when you don’t understand her expectations.
Being conscious of our own needs also helps us better meet any expectations of our partner. Encourage yourself and your partner to have support of friends and family or other expectant parent groups.
Ask Yourself:
No to the Call for Arms
No matter the provocation, avoid at all cost going to war. You will come to regret it later, and may also cause lasting tension which may be extremely difficult to smoothen out. Remember that love overtakes a pregnant woman just as intensely as anger. Allow the emotions to patiently wear away.
Treat Her As a Woman
It is important to treat her as a woman and not only as a pregnant woman. The mother and child are individuals. Acknowledge and recognize each of them.
I Affirm:
Supporting Your Partner
Here are some more practical ways to support your partner:
Start sharing housework, if you don’t already do so. Some women may experience an aversion to cooking; others are unable to eat if they cook. Offer help wherever you can. Take charge of carrying any heavy weight for her.
Keep up-to-date about the pregnancy
Read books, discuss and exchange information with each other. Being well informed about various aspects of pregnancy, you can reassure your partner about common discomforts, temperament or mood swings.
Accompany your partner to prenatal appointments
It is reassuring to have your loved one by your side on a visit to the doctor. You will learn about your baby’s development, and can help your partner follow the medical advice. Seeing your baby on the ultrasound scan together will help you bond as parents.
Learn prenatal massage
To shower extra love, you can learn a few techniques like a head, neck, feet, shoulder or even a body massage.
Attending antenatal classes together
It is a good idea to attend antenatal preparation classes that inform and prepare couples for labour, birth and parental responsibilities. They also enhance your social circle and support system as you discover how your anxieties are shared by others.
Bond with Your Unborn
‘Of all nature’s gifts to the human race, what is sweeter to a man than his children?’
— Cicero
One of the greatest ways you can show your love to your wife and also participate in the pregnancy experience is bonding with your unborn. By doing so, your wife and unborn both thrive under your protection, love and care. Day after day, build on the relationship that exists between you. While you take walks with your wife, hold her lovingly, make the effort to connect with your baby. Talk to the baby, tell her/him anecdotes, things about your life and your future and the good things you hope for her/him.
She/he feels the warmth and energy of your touch from across the skin and your love intuitively and telepathically. You can also join your wife in connecting with the spirit of the unborn child through meditation and prayer.
Feel Your Baby’s Movements
Any time between week 16-20, your wife may start experiencing your baby’s movements. Take a keen interest in experiencing your child moving within the womb. Your baby will slowly start to sense your touch.
Read Aloud, Sing To or Talk with Your Unborn
Move close to your partner’s belly and speak to your child. Talking is the best method for fathers to build a bond with the baby. Your baby may be able to differentiate and recognize your voice from your partner’s voice at birth.
The Father’s Participation at the Time of Birth
Delivering a child is one of nature’s miracles. Both parents must experience this emotional experience.
You can discuss your baby’s birth plan together with your obstetrician. Your presence at delivery can be your wife’s best emotional support.
Delivery can be a profound experience for fathers. When the father of the baby says, ‘You can do it!’ his faith charges the mother to give it all she can. Many doctors allow fathers to cut the umbilical cord. The rite is an emotional beginning to a new relationship for most men.
Happy Families bear Happy Children
A family unit that is loving and cohesive and is able to work out its day-to-day conflicts and stresses in a peaceful manner is a tremendous positive force in this world.
Children raised in such units learn peaceful coexistence, social skills, empathy and compassion and have greater confidence, self-esteem, emotional stability and sense of security. As adolescents, they will have less baggage and less healing to do, which tends to free their psychic energy towards other pursuits.
Family life today is about making it work, and no rules apply when it comes to the realms of responsibilities. So long as the underlying force is love, parents can find the strength to often surpass their personal responsibilities.
Start planning, executing and visualizing your goals for one of the most important aspect of your life—your family. A great deal of communication is going to be needed along with a generous dose of love, acceptance, forgiveness and compassion. This is the time to sow the right seeds.
Summing Up: