ELINOR was awoken by a scream that seemed to come from hell. She was alert in an instant, leaping out of bed and tearing across the hall to Jason’s room. He was thrashing about on the bed, desperately fighting something, trying to shield his face with his arms.
‘No!’ he screamed. ‘No, no!’
‘Jason, wake up,’ she cried, trying to pierce the madness of his terror. ‘Wake up! It’s all right. It’s only a dream. For God’s sake, wake up!’
He couldn’t hear her. Whatever horror had him in his grip it was refusing to release him. His blindness made it worse. A sighted man could have opened his eyes and the reality of his surroundings would have driven the dream away. But no such escape was possible for Jason. He stayed trapped in his nightmare, thrashing and struggling until she was seriously alarmed in case he did further damage to his injured back.
She put her arms firmly about him, holding him as still as she could. ‘Jason, wake up! Please wake up! It’s all right. It’s over. I’m here.’
At last her voice seemed to get through to him. He stopped struggling and lay in her arms, trembling, exhausted.
‘Oh, God!’ he whispered. ‘Oh, God!’
He clung to her, oblivious to all else but his despair. In his blind need for comfort he reached out to her, wrapping his arms about her, burying his face in her warm flesh.
Elinor responded instinctively, enfolding him in her arms, drawing him closer. At this moment she was all nurse, desperate to do what would ease her tormented patient. His head fit naturally against her breasts, and the words she spoke seemed to come of their own accord.
‘It’s all right. I’m here. Jason—Jason—’
‘Hold onto me,’ he choked. ‘I can’t bear it—’
‘My dear—’ She hardly knew she’d said it, but she had a sudden disconcerting sensation at the feel of him pressed close against her. It was nothing to do with the sedate pleasure she normally felt while comforting a patient. It was wild, turbulent and shockingly sweet. She wanted to hold his head against her for ever, whispering soft, intimate words of consolation.
‘What do you dream?’ she asked. ‘Can you tell me?’
‘It’s the fire. I’m back in it—fighting to find a way through—but I’m lost—I can’t see my way out—and the heat is terrible.’ He gave a long shudder. ‘In my dream I can see again—flames—then it all falls in on me, and everything goes dark. But I can still feel the heat—and—and the terror—’
It cost him a lot to admit his fear, but he was sinking into a black pit, frantically reaching for hands to save him.
‘How often do you have this dream?’
‘It’s been a while since last time. I thought I was safe, but tonight it came back.’
‘You’ve been working too hard and you’ve had a reaction. Are you fully awake now?’
‘Yes, I’m awake,’ he said wearily. ‘If you can call it being awake. The nightmare’s always there, waking or sleeping. In the end, there’s no escape. There never will be.’
She wanted to tell him that his sight would return and he would see a way out of the horror. But she wasn’t completely sure, and she couldn’t offer less than honesty to this tortured man. He felt her hesitation, and his grip on her tightened.
‘It’s true, isn’t it?’ he said harshly. ‘I’m blind for good.’
‘I don’t know,’ she whispered.
‘Help me, Elinor! Help me, for God’s sake!’
In his desperation he reached up for the mask over his eyes. His fingers curled over the edges. She moved quickly to stop him.
‘No! Jason, no!’
‘I’ve got to find out!’ he shouted. ‘Do you think I can stand not knowing?’
‘But it’s too soon,’ she pleaded. ‘Jason, you can only do harm like this. Don’t throw your chance away.’
‘There’s no chance, and you know it. Let’s have the truth at once.’
‘No!’ Putting out all her strength, Elinor forced him to relinquish his hold. He gave up the fight and collapsed into her arms. She could feel the strength drain out of him.
She abandoned words, for words could be of no use to him. Only her tenderness might help, and that she offered him in abundance.
She’d dashed from her bed too fast to put on a dressing gown and now she remembered that she was wearing only a thin nightdress with narrow straps that left her shoulders and arms bare. She had the alarming realisation that she was almost naked. She would have covered herself, but she had nothing to do it with.
Gradually she forgot about everything else but the sensation of his face against her, and the warmth from his body intermingling with her own and spreading out to engulf her until she was all heat from her crown to her toes.
She gasped and tried to free herself. At least, she thought she did—she was sure she did—but when she looked at her hands they were still cradling him, and if they moved at all it was only to hold him more firmly. She meant to push him away, but her limbs refused to do her bidding. They had a will of their own, and they wanted to hold him.
Jason’s body was shaken by tremors as though all the horror he’d been repressing had caught up with him suddenly and would no longer be denied. He held her like a man clinging to a life raft.
‘It’s all right, I’m here,’ she murmured. She’d said the words a thousand times before, but they’d never had such meaning until now.
‘Thank God,’ he groaned. ‘If you weren’t here I don’t think I could cope. I thought I was strong, but there’s nothing left. Just the pit, waiting for me—don’t let me go.’
She tightened her arms and dropped her head so that her lips brushed his forehead. ‘No,’ she murmured. ‘Feel me holding you.’
Gradually his breathing grew slower and more controlled, but she knew his nightmare wasn’t over. It had merely moved into another stage.
‘Talk to me, Jason,’ she said. ‘Tell me everything about that night.’
‘Dear God,’ he murmured, ‘haven’t I lived through it enough already?’
‘Yes, but we have to deal with it so that it goes away. Trust me.’
She saw his forehead crease into a frown. With one hand he reached up. He found her face, the hair hanging down her neck to her breasts.
‘You really are there?’ he whispered. ‘You seem no more than a dream—a voice in the darkness; one day I’ll call and you won’t be there.’
‘I’m here, I’m here,’ she said urgently. ‘Feel me. I’m real.’
‘Sometimes you’re the only real thing in the world.’
‘Talk to me. Trust me. What happened that night?’
‘I was working late. I stepped out for a breath of fresh air and saw the smoke. I raised the alarm, and ran to the stables—’ He stopped.
‘And then?’
He flinched back. ‘I don’t want to go in there,’ he said hoarsely.
He could see it—the flames, the brilliant red glow within the stable, the flickering straw: the last things his eyes had ever seen, the images burned onto them forever.
‘You must,’ she said gently. ‘You can’t change it, but you can turn it into something you can cope with. Go on.’
He took a breath. ‘It wasn’t too bad at first. I went for the horses near the door—got them out quickly. There was a stable hand working with me—he took one side, I took the other—’
‘Did you get the horses out fairly easily?’
‘At first—they were kicking and it was hard to get near them, but we opened the doors and they bolted out—they could see the outside world so they knew where they were going.’ He stopped. He was trembling.
‘It was so hot in there,’ he went on after a moment. ‘I could hear the flames and hear the horses screaming with fear. We’d got most of them out—but I could hear them calling from the far end. The sweat was pouring off me—into my eyes—’ He stopped.
‘What is it?’ Elinor asked.
‘I didn’t want to go back in—I’d have given anything not to—but the others were going in—young lads; I couldn’t let them do it alone—and I thought I could hear Damon. He’s my own horse. I could hear him but I couldn’t see him for smoke—I was sure he was there…
‘But he wasn’t. I hunted around in the smoke—I thought my lungs would burst—then I heard something overhead and looked up—Are you there?’
‘Yes, I’m here, I’m here,’ she said urgently. ‘Take my hand. There, hold me.’
He gripped her so tightly that the pressure was agonising, but she didn’t try to pull away.
‘And then?’ she asked.
‘No—no more! You’re like those damned psychiatrists who tried to get me to talk in the hospital.’
‘No, I’m not like them. I’m your friend, Jason. I won’t leave after an hour. I’ll be here as long as you want me. And the next time your mind is trapped in that stable I’ll still be there. Try to tell me what happened next.’
He shuddered, and she could feel the effort it cost him, but after a moment he went on.
‘I look up—and the fire is so brilliant that I can see it through the smoke. And then the beam comes down towards me through the flames. That’s the last thing I see—but I can still hear—the screams—the roaring of the flames—Where are you?’
‘Here. Here.’ She enfolded him. ‘Don’t listen to the flames. Listen to me. I’m here, Jason, I’m here.’
‘If only you’d been there then,’ he murmured. ‘Nothing could have happened to me.’
‘What happened to the others? The stable hands, the horses.’
‘They all got out.’
‘Was anyone else hurt?’
‘They tell me not. I’ve talked to the hands and they say they’re fine, and all the horses were got out in time.’
‘But you don’t really believe that, do you?’
‘Of course I—if they tell me—they’re all safe.’
‘Yes, of course they’re safe,’ she agreed. ‘The only one hurt was you.’
She was still holding him. Gradually she felt his trembling slow until it stopped altogether. She laid him back on the pillow, but kept hold of his hand. The violence of his nightmare was taking its toll and his exhaustion was clear, but he seemed more at peace.
‘I’m glad you were so close,’ he murmured. ‘Across the corridor—’
‘Go to sleep,’ she whispered. ‘I wouldn’t go when you tried to throw me out. I won’t go now you want me.’
He smiled faintly. ‘Stubborn.’
‘As a mule,’ she confirmed. ‘Like you.’
‘Mmm!’
When she was sure Jason was asleep Elinor quietly left him and returned to her own room. She didn’t go straight to bed, but went to the window and drew back the curtain a few inches.
It was five o’clock, and the first grey hint of dawn was already softening the darkness. The trees rustled in the breeze, and all around her was the beauty of a spring morning.
But Elinor barely noticed. She was gazing into the distance, trying to come to terms with the fact that tonight she had held her enemy in her arms, and it had been the sweetest experience of her life.
They breakfasted together in the conservatory. The suffering of the night was still on his face, but he was calm and collected. Elinor wondered how it would be if he could see. Would he be able to meet her eyes? Or was he ashamed now that she’d witnessed his weakness?
‘Is the weather good enough to go out?’ he asked.
‘Yes, it’s a lovely day.’
‘Then take me out under the trees, and we’ll talk.’
There was something in his quiet voice that she’d never heard before.
They wandered for a while, enjoying the lovely day. Jason threw the ball for Bob, who tore after it and dropped it back at his feet, for Elinor to retrieve and put into his hands. He made no protest at being helped like this, and she began to feel that she knew what he wanted to talk about.
At last, when she was sitting on a log near him, he said, ‘I guess I can accept it now. I’m not giving in, Elinor, but raging doesn’t help, does it?’
‘No, it doesn’t help,’ she agreed.
‘But where do I go from here? What’s the next step?’
‘You might still get your sight and movement back,’ she began carefully.
‘But I guess the odds are against that—at least for both of them.’
‘Jason, I don’t have a crystal ball—’
‘No, it’s all right. I’ve been trying to face the worst. I tell myself I couldn’t stand it, but if I had to I’d give it my best shot—if only I knew the right place to start.’
‘There’s no right place,’ she murmured.
‘What?’
‘The right place is everywhere and all the time. You can’t look for it. It’s just there, moment by moment.’
He turned his head to her with an oddly alert movement. ‘You know, don’t you?’
Suddenly she saw the danger and backed off. ‘Everybody knows—in their own way.’
‘No, you know. Something happened to you. You understand things that other people don’t. I’ve always sensed that. Can’t you tell me?’
‘It’s nothing, Jason,’ she said quickly. ‘You’ve got it all wrong; you’re imagining everything. Here, boy, fetch!’
She sprang up and hurled the ball for Bob, who chased it, barking madly. She was shaking at what had so nearly happened. For a moment everything had vanished except Jason and his needs, and in her yearning to help him she’d taken the first steps onto treacherous ground. But she’d seen the danger in time, she told herself frantically. She could still retreat back into the numb place deep within herself where all pain was smothered; the place where she was safe, because if you didn’t feel you couldn’t be hurt.
She turned back, ready to face Jason’s annoyance at the way she’d abruptly abandoned him. But there was no anger. He sat with his head slightly on one side, as if he was puzzled. She felt a pang of remorse. He’d asked for her help and she’d refused. If he would only shout and condemn her she would feel better. But he looked too battered to fight, and she couldn’t bear it.
She rehearsed the words ‘I’ll tell you anything you need if only it will help you’.
But what came out was, ‘There’s a breeze coming up. I think we should be getting back.’
‘Yes, of course,’ he said politely.
She wheeled him towards the house, but at the last moment she paused. ‘I know the stables have been rebuilt in the last few weeks. Perhaps you should visit them.’
‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’ he said reluctantly.
‘I think you’ll be glad you did.’
She headed around the left wing of the house and across the yard. Already they could both hear the sounds of horses snorting and hooves on the cobblestones.
A chestnut mare was being led out by a stable hand, a middle-aged man with a weather-beaten face. When he saw his employer he grinned and yelled, ‘Hey!’
‘Fred!’ Jason pronounced, and the next moment his hand was seized.
‘It’s good to see you back,’ he said.
The horse gave a noisy snort, and Jason reached up to touch its nose with a smile of pleasure.
‘Dandy’s glad to see you and all,’ Fred declared, almost dancing with delight.
Elinor watched as Jason gently brushed Dandy’s nose, and felt the hot breath against his hands.
‘There, boy,’ he said softly, and turned his head so that his cheek rested against the velvet nose. It was hard to tell what was happening to his eyes behind the mask, but Elinor saw his brows contract as though with some emotion.
‘What’s the new building like, Fred?’ Jason asked after a while.
‘It’s grand,’ Fred asserted. ‘I made improvements like you said, and it’s like a palace for them now. Shall I take you around?’
‘No, you give Dandy his gallop,’ Jason said quickly. ‘I’ll just wander around.’
When they were alone he said to Elinor, ‘All right. You can take me in now.’
The new stable building was large and airy, with a skylight to let in natural light. Five stalls lined each wall, and long noses looked over curiously as they made their way along.
Elinor stopped by every stall, allowing Jason time to touch the animal and feel for himself that it was unhurt. At first she read out the names that were written up, but soon he stopped her.
‘Don’t tell me, let me guess. They’re all individuals. This one’s Tansy, right?’
‘Right.’
‘She’s a young mare; I’ve had her about three years. She turned out a bit slower than I’d hoped but she’s so affectionate I can’t bear to get rid of her.’
Tansy was nibbling him as he spoke, and he laughed softly, turning his head to avoid her over-eager caresses. His affection for the horses transformed him.
At the next stall it was the same story. ‘Hey, come on, Rosie,’ he laughed, fending her off and kissing her at the same time. ‘It is Rosie, isn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ Elinor said lightly. Rosie was the horse who’d once dumped her in the stream.
‘She’s a tease, this one,’ Jason said. ‘She’s gentle enough, but full of tricks. You never knew where you’d end up. She dumped one rider in the water. Mind you, it was the silly girl’s own fault, pretending to ride when she couldn’t.’
‘How foolish of her,’ Elinor said coolly. ‘Shall we go on to the next?’
The animal in the next stall was already snorting and pawing the ground as he recognised Jason.
‘Damon!’ his master greeted him. ‘Let me feel you. You’re really all right?’
He ran his hands over as much as he could reach of the animal’s black, satiny skin, and seemed to be satisfied.
‘Yes,’ he murmured. ‘Yes.’
They spent a little longer in the stables, going around slowly so that Jason could feel everything.
‘I’d like to go back now,’ he said at last.
She took him into the house, where his secretary was waiting.
‘Are you all right, Jason?’ she asked.
‘Yes, I’m fine. Thank you, Elinor. I guess I know why you did that. It’s real now. The horses are real, and everything. Just being told they were unhurt wasn’t the same, but now I’ve felt them for myself. And also—’
‘Yes?’
‘I don’t know—never mind. It’s all right.’
He didn’t know how to say what was in his mind—that the next time his nightmares led him into the burning stables he wouldn’t be alone. She would be there. And it would be less terrible.
After that they visited the stables every day. The hands would greet him with pleasure, and the mere proximity to the horses seemed to do Jason good.
The weather was rapidly growing warmer, and each afternoon Elinor would insist on a trip out in the fresh air. He talked more cheerfully now, although she knew he often had to force himself. Jason Tenby had been reared to do the right thing, and he’d decided that the right thing was to appear cheerful, no matter what the cost.
When the strain of putting on a bright face became too much for him he would growl at Elinor, but in a resigned, half-humorous way that she would return with interest.
She watched his lonely struggle, helping when she could, but knowing that his salvation could be found only in himself.
One afternoon, when his secretary had just left, she found Jason in the study, drumming his fingers on his desk.
‘It’s not her fault,’ he said tensely, when he knew it was Elinor. ‘It’s not her fault. I know it isn’t. I keep telling myself it isn’t.’
‘Her? Who?’
‘Miss Horton. She’s a good secretary, but she’s got a voice like something squeaking on glass. I never noticed it before, but ten minutes of listening to her reading aloud and I’m ready to bang my head against the wall. Why can’t everyone have a voice like yours?’
‘I’ll read your business mail as well as the personal stuff if you like. You could dictate the replies into a machine.’
‘I’ve got a machine. I can’t find half the damned knobs.’
‘Then we’ll get you another one with easier-to-find knobs,’ she said soothingly.
‘You’re managing me, you terrible woman!’
‘Just trying to make your life easier.’
‘Grrr!’
‘Jason—’
‘All right, all right, I’m intolerable. Let’s take that as read.’
‘Sure we will. I’m shaking in my shoes.’
‘It would be nice to make you shake in your shoes,’ he grumbled. ‘You insufferable, superior, know-everything nurse!’
‘Is “nurse” the worst thing you can call me?’ she challenged.
‘If I knew of something worse I’d use it.’
His manner was droll rather than hostile, and she laughed aloud. After a moment he gave a reluctant grin.
‘Oh, the hell with it! Rescue me, Elinor. I’m going crazy.’
The upshot was that she drove into Hampton Tenby and found him a machine that he could use with ease. After that she read all the estate mail to him, he dictated his answers into the machine, and Miss Horton prepared the letters next day.
Elinor had also exercised her diplomatic skills on Hilda to persuade her to lighten Jason’s diet. Some of the heavier meals disappeared, replaced by omelettes and fruit. The patient stopped leaving his food and began to fill out satisfactorily.
‘I don’t know how I ever managed without you,’ he said one night when she was putting him to bed. ‘I suppose all your patients say that?’
‘I’ve never had another patient like you.’
‘You forgot to add “Thank goodness”.’
‘Maybe I did,’ she said, laughing. ‘Now, goodnight.’