ELINOR was in no danger of falling in love with Andrew, but it was a long time since she’d had an evening out. She was a little taken aback to discover just how expensive the restaurant was. That made it a more intimate occasion than she’d wanted, but Andrew’s manner was reassuringly light-hearted, and it seemed rude to make a fuss.
The dinner was delicious and Andrew put himself out to entertain her. What he lacked in looks he made up for in droll humour, and he soon had her chuckling.
‘I’m glad you asked me out,’ she said when the waiter delivered the wine. She was watching the level in the glass and so missed Andrew’s alert movement of hope. ‘It gives me a chance to talk about something away from Jason. I had an idea, and I need to know what you think about it.’
‘Ah,’ said Andrew, relapsing slightly.
She described Jason’s first visit to the stables, and the subsequent visits they had made.
‘I think it’s done him a lot of good.’
‘I’m sure of it,’ Andrew agreed. ‘It was a brilliant idea.’
‘But he must long to be riding. We don’t know if he’ll ever walk, but even if he doesn’t he could still ride.’
‘Yes, I’ve heard about Riding For The Disabled schemes.’
‘Don’t let Jason hear you talk about him as “disabled”’ Elinor warned. ‘But I would like to find out a little more about it, so that when the time comes I can help him.’
‘No,’ she said briefly.
Andrew grinned. ‘I wish you could see your face at this moment. I’ll swear I touched a nerve. Go on, tell me what happened. Did you fall off a donkey?’
‘Never mind. We’re talking about Jason.’
‘But I’d rather talk about you. Perhaps you should learn to ride. Jason lets me borrow his animals whenever I want. I can take one out, you come with me and I’ll show you the ropes.’
‘And he needn’t know that I’m doing it for him,’ she said eagerly. ‘I don’t want to say anything yet. It would depress him if he knew I was thinking about his future in those terms. Andrew, you’re a marvel.’
He drew in his breath at the sight of her radiant face, her eyes glowing. Beautiful. Breathtaking. And none of it for him, he realised wryly.
‘Of course, it shouldn’t be me at all,’ Elinor mused. ‘Virginia should be here helping him. Doesn’t she love him?’
‘I’m sure she’s fond of him, and he of her, but floating around a sick room isn’t Virginia’s style.’
‘Is Jason her style? A man who may never make a complete recovery? Andrew, what do you think his chances are?’
‘Elinor, I can’t say that any more than you can. We’ll know more when the mask comes off. Now, can we stop talking shop? I brought you out because I want to enjoy your company. Who wants Jason at the table as well?’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, smiling. ‘I just tend to get work on the brain.’
‘You mean you’re like this about all your patients?’
‘Of course I am.’
‘Hmm!’ he said, regarding her askance.
The restaurant had its own small cabaret. Top of the bill was a local comedian. His jokes were old-fashioned but his delivery was masterly. They were still laughing on the way home.
‘I’ll take a last look at my patient before I go,’ Andrew said, and mounted the stairs with her.
Suddenly Elinor was overcome with laughter again. She tried to stifle it but it burst out.
‘What?’ Andrew said.
‘That woman in the audience,’ she gasped. ‘Do you remember what he said to her?’
‘Yes, and her face.’ He joined in her laughter, also doing his best to smother it.
‘Shush, Jason might be asleep,’ Elinor urged.
‘No, there’s a crack of light under the door.’
Hilda appeared in dressing gown and curlers. ‘I waited up for you, love,’ she whispered loudly. ‘I thought you’d like a cup of tea.’
‘Lovely,’ Elinor said warmly.
Andrew slipped into Jason’s room and found his patient sitting up by the window, listening to the radio. He switched it off and assumed a cheerful air.
‘Did the evening go well?’
‘It did and it didn’t,’ Andrew hedged.
‘What does that mean?’
‘It means that as far as I’m concerned I’ve found her. The one and only.’
‘So when’s the wedding?’
‘There’s an unexpected snag,’ Andrew said, regarding Jason wryly.
‘What kind of a snag? You don’t mean there’s already a man in her life?’
‘Not officially, but I think I may have competition.’
‘I wish you’d put it in plain words,’ Jason said, annoyed.
‘That’s just what I can’t do.’
‘Stop being so damned mysterious!’
‘Look, I didn’t rush things. Take it slowly, no pouncing on the first date, that sort of thing.’
‘I think you’re very wise,’ Jason said curtly.
‘Are you feeling bad?’
‘No, I’ve worked too much today, I suppose.’
Elinor came in with a tray of tea and three cups. ‘You ought to be in bed,’ she told Jason as she poured for him.
‘So ought you,’ he complained. ‘Gadding about while your patient is abandoned.’
‘Don’t give me that abandoned stuff,’ she riposted. ‘Hilda loves you like a mother.’
He caught the unfamiliar, relaxed note in her voice, and frowned a little. He’d heard them climb the stairs and pause on the landing, smothering their laughter, and wondered if this was the Elinor Smith he knew.
The next ten minutes seemed like an age. It had never occurred to him before that his friend had so much meaningless small talk, but Andrew chattered on and on, and Jason thought he would never go. At last he threw good manners to the winds and gave a pronounced yawn.
‘You’d better go, Andrew,’ Elinor said. ‘My patient needs his sleep and it is past midnight.’
‘Yes, it is,’ her patient agreed with meaning.
‘Shall I help you into bed?’ Andrew asked.
‘I’m not ready for bed yet.’
‘But you just said—’
‘Goodnight, Andrew.’
‘Goodnight, you old dog!’
Jason heard Andrew laugh, then the sound of a kiss, and finally the door closing.
‘Did you have a good evening?’ he asked.
‘Oh, yes,’ she said, with a sigh of pleasure.
‘I believe Andrew’s a very good host,’ Jason observed, a mite too casually.
‘The very best,’ she said innocently. ‘He makes me laugh.’
‘So I heard as you were coming up the stairs.’
‘We didn’t wake you, did we?’ she asked anxiously.
‘Certainly not.’
How the hell did she think he’d managed to sleep while she was out until all hours?
‘So come on, tell me,’ she said.
‘Tell you what?’
‘About The Praying Mantis. Whodunit? Was it the husband or the cousin from Australia?’
‘It was the cousin,’ he admitted. ‘You were right all the time.’
‘Of course I was,’ she said provocatively. ‘Anyone would have known that.’
‘You’re fired.’
‘Again? How many times is that?’
‘I’ve lost count.’ He yawned.
‘It really is time you were in bed.’
‘All right.’ He wheeled himself over to the bed and swung around into the right position.
‘Can you manage?’ Elinor asked. Jason had developed a movement which involved half throwing himself from the chair into the bed, although he couldn’t always manage it, especially if he was tired.
‘Not tonight,’ he said. ‘I guess I should have let Andrew help me. Do you mind?’
‘Of course not.’
She stood before him and leaned down so that he could hold her shoulders. She clasped his body and straightened up. The feeling unnerved her. It was too sweet to hold him. She wanted to pull him closer and raise her face to his, but she mustn’t because he belonged to another woman, because he was ill and trusted her, depended on her. It had never been so hard to be professional.
‘Has your evening left you with enough energy to give me a massage?’ he asked.
‘Of course. Turn over.’
He tossed aside his pyjama jacket and lay waiting for the feel of her hands. They were like no others, he thought, soft and gentle, yet with the strength to soothe not only his body but also his mind. Her touch on his skin was a pleasure.
‘Is that all right?’ she asked.
‘Go a bit lower. I’ve been aching all down my spine this evening.’
‘Funny; that doesn’t usually happen.’
‘It’s because you went away and left me,’ he joked. ‘The minute you’re not there I go to pieces.’
She drew her hands down the length of his spine, trying not to be aware of his beauty. It was hard to stay detached when she was pervaded by tenderness.
And something more than tenderness, if she was honest. She was his nurse, and it was disgraceful that she took such pleasure in touching him, contemplating him. And it was alarming that all the years of stern discipline were no help to her now. The forbidden thoughts persisted in dancing through her mind, making her body glow.
She’d resolved to forget his kisses, but they wouldn’t let themselves be forgotten. They were there on her lips this minute, reminding her of how it felt to want a man to distraction, to be alive and eager for love.
She was swept by an almost irresistible impulse to lay her cheek against that smooth, muscular back, and touch it softly with her lips.
‘That feels nice,’ Jason grunted.
Shocked, she came back to reality, and realised that while she’d been dreaming the strong movements of her hands up and down his spine had softened until they were almost caresses. She pulled herself together and began to massage firmly again, until he said, ‘Ouch!’
‘Sorry,’ she said hurriedly.
‘By the way, I’ve got something to tell you.’
A hint of suppressed triumph in his tone alerted her. ‘Jason—?’
‘I spilt some hot tea on my legs tonight. And I felt it.’
‘That’s wonderful. Oh, and to think I wasn’t here!’
‘Yes, I’d have liked to share it with you at the time. But I dare say you’ll soon be leaving anyway if you’re going to let Andrew sweep you off your feet.’
‘Don’t be silly. We spent the evening talking about you.’
She finished her work and he rolled over so that his face was turned to her. ‘And I suppose I didn’t hear him kiss you?’ he challenged.
‘Only on the cheek. Just being polite. Now will you stop talking nonsense and go to sleep?’
He gave her a smart salute.
‘Yes, Nurse! No, Nurse! Three bags full, Nurse!’
She laughed and the hairs on the back of his neck stood up. The soft whisper of her dress as she moved made them stand up again. He heard the door click softly behind her.
He knew he’d behaved disgracefully. He’d used a low-down trick as an excuse to hold her in his arms, and it had been as beautiful as he remembered.
Had she seen through it? Had she heard his heart hammering as he’d felt her slim body pressed close to his and let his cheek linger against her soft face? The memory of that flooded over him now, filling him with joy. He ought to be ashamed of himself. But he wasn’t.
He lay back in the darkness, his hands behind his head, smiling. The feeling was returning to his body, and not just to his legs. Tonight he could dare to think of love again, as he hadn’t dared for months.
And, to complete his happiness, Andrew had only kissed her on the cheek.
‘Got the papers?’ he asked when they were breakfasting in the conservatory next day.
‘All of them. Where shall I start?’
‘Skip the headlines; I’ve heard the news on the radio. I’m in the mood for something light.’
‘Right.’ She flicked through the pages. ‘What shall it be? The funnies? The comment? The society column? Lord Who has eloped with Lady Whatever and they’re—’
‘What is it?’ Jason asked, curious about her sudden silence.
‘I—Nothing, I dropped the newspaper,’ Elinor said hurriedly.
‘No you didn’t. I’d have heard. What is it, Elinor?’
‘All right,’ she said reluctantly. ‘There’s a picture of Lady Virginia in the society column.’
‘Who is she with?’ Jason asked shrewdly.
‘Freddie Sutherland,’ Elinor said, reading. ‘Apparently he’s a millionaire with a house in Mayfair and an apartment in New York. Recently divorced.’
‘And you think Virginia is aiming to become the next Mrs Sutherland?’
‘Well—they’re dancing very close. Still, I don’t suppose that means anything. I expect she dances with a lot of people.’
‘She was involved with Freddie at one time, but he married someone else. She hasn’t been in touch for a while.’ There was a sudden withered look about his face. ‘The one kind of writing I can still read is the writing on the wall,’ he said quietly.
‘Oh, Jason, I’m sorry.’
He was very pale. ‘Would you mind leaving me alone for a while? And don’t let anyone else in.’
She slipped out and headed for the kitchen to warn Hilda. But at the last moment she looked back to the conservatory and saw Jason clench his hands, raising them as high as his head before slamming them down hard on the table. Then he raised his fists again, but this time he pressed his forehead against them.
‘Damn her!’ Elinor raged in the kitchen. ‘Damn her for a heartless—’
‘Whatever’s happened?’ Hilda asked.
‘Lady Virginia is gallivanting in London with Freddie Sutherland, millionaire and playboy,’ Elinor said, speaking almost savagely and making Hilda stare. ‘How dare she?’
‘Does Jason know?’ Hilda asked anxiously.
‘It was on the society page and I let it slip before I could stop myself. Oh, I could kill that woman!’
‘How’s he taking it?’
‘He wants to be left alone, and I saw him—Oh, God! How can she do this to him?’
‘Now, then, it won’t help Jason if you upset yourself.’
‘I’m not upset!’
‘Why are you crying?’
‘I’m not. Well, just a little.’ Elinor blew her nose, furious with Virginia, and with herself.
She stormed out again and strode fast through the grounds until she came to the oaks. She leaned back against a mighty tree, trying to come to terms with the startling pain in her breast.
She flattened her hands against the bark, and her fingers encountered some letters carved there long ago. Looking down, she saw an S and a C intertwined—Simon and Cindy—just visible but very faded. Like the love itself.
How sweet and poignant the feeling had been once! And how faint it was now beside this new feeling that was struggling for recognition.
She’d got everything wrong. Oh, how wrong she’d been! Because Jason had shrugged off Virginia’s absence she’d fooled herself into thinking he didn’t care. But his fiancée’s infidelity had devastated him. Elinor wished she hadn’t seen him slamming his fists down, then burying his face against them. It was the gesture of a man in despair, torn in two by the defection of the woman he loved.
So why should she care whom Jason Tenby loved? She was his nurse, here to cherish and care for him, to heal him if she could. But not to love him.
She turned to the tree and hid her face in her arms.
After an hour Jason sent for her.
‘We need to talk,’ he said when he heard her in the conservatory doorway.
She came and sat down beside him. His face was deathly pale, and her pain increased.
‘I called Virginia. Her engagement to Freddie will be announced any day.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Elinor said desperately.
‘Don’t be. Something like this was bound to happen. I’m not heartbroken, Elinor. I’ve never been in love with her.’
‘Please, Jason, there’s no need to pretend. I saw how upset you were—’
‘Yes, I was, but not about Virginia. We found it convenient to marry, but I didn’t love her.’
‘You didn’t?’ she asked breathlessly.
‘Nor did she love me. And only a woman terribly in love could tie herself to a blind cripple.’
‘Don’t talk about yourself like that,’ she said passionately.
‘Why not? It’s true. I should have faced it earlier, instead of waiting for her to tell me I’ll never be a man again.’
‘She said that?’ Elinor demanded, outraged.
‘Not in words. In fact she said all the right things. But actions speak louder. She doesn’t want to waste any more time on me. And she’s right.’
Elinor could hardly speak for anger. If Virginia had been there at that moment she would have wreaked vengeance on her for striking another blow at this man who was already staggering under so many.
‘But you have things going for you,’ she said urgently. ‘You’ll probably walk again—’
‘And see?’
‘I don’t know,’ she sighed.
‘The doctor who treated my eyes was brilliant. But even she had to admit that there’s a less than fifty per cent chance that I’ll see again. And what are my legs without my eyes?
‘It’s strange how much is clear behind this mask. I can picture myself as the world does. That’s what upset me: seeing myself through Virginia’s eyes, as a man that any sensible woman would run a mile from.’
Elinor struggled to speak but her emotion was choking her. Jason’s despairing acceptance hurt her as his hostility had never done. She wanted to enfold him in her arms and vow to protect him from the world’s pain, but she knew that would be the worst thing she could do. It would merely underline his crippled condition.
‘You’ve tried to reassure me,’ he said quietly. ‘Perhaps the best help you could give me now is to teach me to endure whatever I have to.’ He turned a ravaged face to her. ‘Can you do that?’
Once before she had reached this point, and backed off, refusing to tell him something that might help, because it would have hurt her too much to speak about it. But now all other pain faded beside his. Nothing mattered but to show him that here was a friend who’d known despair.
‘Perhaps I can,’ she whispered. ‘You said once that I understood—and I do.’
‘Tell me. For if ever I needed your help I need it now.’
‘Something happened to me—long ago—that destroyed me. At least, that’s how it felt—’
She broke off. It was hard, but the sight of Jason contemplating the wreck of his life made her go on.
‘I lost the thing I cared for more than anything in the world,’ she said at last, ‘and lost it in a way I still can’t bear to remember. I went away and hid where nobody knew me, and cried and cried and cried. And when I stopped crying, I found something strange.’
‘What had happened?’
‘Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The rest of the world went on as though I hadn’t cried a single tear. It doesn’t make any difference, you see, weeping and protesting—’
‘Giving in to bitterness,’ he supplied, with a touch of self-mockery.
‘Yes. It’s all just a stage you must go through before you realise that it’s for ever, and you have to live your life on new terms. I still hope that it won’t be for ever with you, but if it is—’
‘Go on,’ he said gently.
‘I thought everything was over for me. It didn’t seem possible that anyone could feel such misery and still live. I did, of course.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Only it wasn’t me any more. It was somebody stronger who looked at everything differently. And she knew that life was still possible.’
‘I suppose it was a man who did all this to you?’
‘Yes.’
‘But girls have painful love affairs all the time. There’s always someone else.’ When she didn’t answer he said, ‘I’m sorry, that was crass. It wasn’t like that for you, was it?’
‘No, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t actually decide not to love another man. But after a few years I discovered I’d turned into a woman who couldn’t love.’
‘Don’t say that about yourself,’ he said urgently.
‘I can still see and talk and walk, but I’ve often felt as though part of me was missing. You can learn to live, Jason. You really can.’
‘But is the life you have worth living?’
‘I have a great deal—my work and a place in the world. It isn’t the place I wanted, but it’s a good place.’
‘But that’s not what I asked. Still, I suppose you’ve given me the answer.’
She didn’t say anything. After a moment he squeezed her hand, and felt her squeeze softly back.
Strolling in the garden that evening, Elinor looked back at the house, at the light in Jason’s bedroom window.
She’d half lied to him that day, telling him that she could never love again. She’d had to say that. If her words were to help him he needed to know that she understood a maimed life.
But that wasn’t the real reason. There was another that she hardly dared to recognise.
She’d renounced love, but it had waited to pounce out of the darkness, catching her unprepared and forcing her to recognise it before she could marshal her defences. After six years her wayward heart had chosen this moment to be reborn. Like all births it was a kind of agony, but behind the pain was the promise of infinite joy.