TRUE to his word Andrew arrived one day ready for riding. Jason was settling in for a morning with Miss Horton and merely smiled when Elinor said she was going out for an hour or two.
She found herself mounted on Tansy, the slow, affectionate mare Jason had told her about. Andrew had brought her a hard hat, and under his excellent instruction she grew in confidence.
‘You’re doing well,’ he told her on the second day.
‘She’s such a darling,’ Elinor said, patting Tansy’s neck. ‘She never does anything to scare me.’
‘Well, she’s not going to set the world on fire, but she’s dead right for you to ride with Jason. He won’t be going very fast for a while. Still, at least he’ll walk again.’
‘But if he could only have one thing back he’d choose his eyes.’
‘We’ll know soon, but I’m afraid the chances aren’t all that great.’
Elinor planned to mention her riding lessons later that day, but she hadn’t allowed for the Tenby grapevine, which operated through Hilda, whose nephew worked in the stable. Slightly to her surprise Jason was annoyed.
‘I wasn’t deceiving you,’ she said indignantly in answer to his curt remark. ‘I’m planning for the day when you can take your first ride, and I didn’t bother you with it because you were busy. Why make a mountain out of a molehill?’
‘You’re supposed to be here when I want you, not slipping off for secret trysts.’
He regretted the words at once. They were absurd and he knew it, but the thought of her seeking Andrew’s company—on whatever pretext—riding and laughing with him beneath the trees, destroyed his sense of proportion.
‘Secret trysts!’ Elinor said in outrage. ‘I’ve been studying a way to be more useful to you. And why shouldn’t I see Andrew?’
‘I can’t think of a single reason,’ he said crisply. ‘Now, can we let it drop?’
‘Certainly!’ she snapped, feeling thoroughly ruffled.
But he knew he’d transgressed, and the next moment he gave her his most charming smile. ‘I’m sorry, Elinor.’
‘So you should be,’ she said, but in a friendly tone that told him all was forgiven. ‘I was going to tell you about Andrew. He’s been giving me riding lessons, so that I can come out riding with you.’
‘Fine, we’ll go now!’
‘You’ll go when the dragon lady says so,’ she said, smiling tenderly at his eagerness. ‘And that won’t be until your legs are a bit stronger. It’s time you tried a few steps. I had a Zimmer frame delivered here this morning.’
‘A what?’
‘It’s steadier than crutches. It’ll be a lot of help in the beginning.’
‘Then let’s start right now,’ he said eagerly.
In the privacy of his room he ran his hands over the frame. When he’d got the sense of it he said, ‘Ready to go.’
She helped his feet onto the floor and stood at the other side of the frame, with her hands under his arms.
Taking a deep breath, Jason hauled himself up out of the wheelchair, letting his legs bear his weight for the first time in weeks. The sensation was alarming, dreadful. He gasped with shock and fought for control.
‘My legs are like jelly; I can’t—’
‘Yes, you can,’ she said quickly, wrapping both arms around him.
Instantly he rested one of his arms about her shoulders. ‘I feel safer like this.’
‘Good. Any way it feels right.’
‘Shall we dance?’ he asked, making a valiant try for a joke.
‘We will dance together, I promise you.’
A look of fierce concentration came over his face.
‘I can’t move.’
‘Give it time. Get used to being on your feet first.’
‘All right. Let’s just stand like this.’
But it wasn’t a good idea. Jason’s health and strength had returned, and at this distance there was no escaping his vibrant masculinity, or the warmth from his body pressed against her own. He was holding her far closer than necessary, and she guessed that if she could have seen his eyes she would have found a mischievous glint in them. How could she behave professionally, she thought wildly, when he made it so difficult?
‘I—think that’s enough for today,’ she said in a shaking voice.
‘But I’m quite happy as I am,’ he said wickedly. ‘You don’t mind me leaning on you, do you?’
‘Not at all,’ she said, with an attempt at primness. ‘It’s my job.’
‘The hell with that! You know what I mean.’
‘Behave yourself!’
‘Yes, Dragon Lady.’
‘And don’t call me that.’
‘Stop me,’ he teased.
‘Oh, well, anything that cheers up the patient.’
He put his lips to her ear so that his warm breath tickled her. ‘Shall I tell you what would cheer me up right now?’
‘I don’t think you should,’ she said, trying to ignore the delightful images this evoked. ‘In fact I think you ought to sit down now.’
‘Not until I’ve taken a few steps.’
‘All right. I’ll push the frame out a bit ahead of you, and we’ll put your hands on it—like that. Let it take your weight—steady—one foot forward—’
Slowly, inch by inch, Jason dragged one foot in front of the other, and then again. His teeth were gritted, sweat stood out on his forehead, but he made it.
‘Did you see that?’ he shouted.
‘Yes,’ she cried, laughing and crying. ‘You did it! Oh, Jason, you did it!’
‘Where are you?’ He found her and held onto her in triumph. ‘We did it!’
‘All right,’ she said, feeling light-headed. ‘Now for pity’s sake sit down before your legs give out.’
‘I think I’ll lie down, and you can give them a massage.’
Carefully they made their way to the bed. He was tiring, and she could feel almost his whole weight on her shoulders.
‘You’re so frail,’ he said. ‘How can you hold me up?’
‘I’m strong enough for whatever you need,’ she said, feeling overwhelmed by happiness.
‘Strange how I don’t mind leaning on you. Once I would have hated it, but now it feels natural. Could we have met before?’
She froze with shock. ‘Met—before?’
‘In another life, perhaps. Maybe that’s why I feel I’ve known you for years. I wonder what we were once—friends, enemies, something else?’
She took a deep breath. This was very dangerous territory.
‘It’s not like you to be fanciful,’ she hedged, playing for time.
‘You bring out the fanciful in me. In fact you make me many things I never was before. Why is that, I wonder?’
Now she must tell him the truth, for if she passed up this chance the time would come when he would remember, and think the worst.
‘Jason—’
She struggled for the words but, absorbed in him, she failed to notice the edge of a small rug. The next moment Jason had caught his toe on it and lost his balance. She fought to hold onto him, but he was too heavy, and they fell helplessly onto the bed, laughing, gasping, clinging to each other.
‘Sorry about that,’ Jason said, not sounding sorry at all.
‘No, I’m sorry; I should have noticed that rug.’
He made no attempt to release her.
‘Sometimes I care about being blind more than at other times. If only I could see your eyes now, I’d know if you want me to kiss you or not.’
What I want is to get up and get on with my job. The sensible words lined up behind her lips, all ready to be said.
And then they died. As she lay there in Jason’s arms, feeling the soft thunder of his heart against hers, no power on earth could have made her sensible.
‘You don’t need eyes to know that, Jason.’ Her voice was soft and teasing, as if it belonged to another woman, one who was at ease in the arms of the man she loved, who revelled, luxuriated in it. Not prim Nurse Smith, surely?
His face bore a sudden alert look. His hands on her arms tensed.
‘How would I know, Elinor?’
‘Like this,’ she whispered, laying her mouth softly over his.
After the first movement of surprise he lay there and let her kiss him, savouring the pleasure. For once the darkness wasn’t something to be feared, for she was darkness, and warmth and sweetness. Her body pressed against his was darkness, and her lips and tongue were darkness, teasing and inciting him. And the darkness was beautiful, because it was her.
‘Do you think you understand now?’ she murmured.
‘Ask me again later,’ he said shamelessly. ‘I may take a lot of convincing.’
She laughed against his lips, and it destroyed his control. His arms went fiercely about her, so that her body lay along the length of his. He had just enough sensation to experience her pressed against him, and to appreciate that her body was beautiful. He ran his hands down over her waist, the swell of her hips, relishing her firm, youthful contours.
He knew he would regret it. He was tormenting himself uselessly with what couldn’t be his—not yet, anyway, he amended hopefully. But physical pleasure had been denied him for too long, and now something in him was running riot at having this special woman in his arms, wanting her, and the growing, delightful awareness that she wanted him.
He tried to roll over so that she would lie beneath him on the bed. But his hips and thighs hadn’t the strength yet, nor sufficient feeling. There was only feeling enough to know that he passionately desired this woman, and that not being able to do much about it was driving him mad.
‘Damn!’ he growled.
‘What’s wrong?’ she murmured, reluctant to leave the lovely moment behind.
He breathed hard. ‘Everything is wrong. I can’t bear to kiss you like this if I can’t—’ His chest was rising and falling rapidly. ‘How long before I’m normal?’ he demanded raggedly.
‘That depends how hard you work at it.’
‘Get the crutches. Get me on horseback. Start by getting that frame back over here.’
‘Not now. I’m going to massage your legs.’
‘I’m not sure I can stand that,’ he said, part humorous, part desperate.
‘Never mind. The time is coming.’
The time when they would know whether he could see, when he would be back on his feet, functioning normally as a man: the time when he would know how much he had to offer her, and she must find an answer.
In the days that followed Elinor realised that they had slipped past another milestone. Now they were in a new country, where feelings could be taken for granted, and neither needed to speak of what they both understood.
Being Jason, he threw himself into the effort to walk with everything in him. He quickly dispensed with the frame and pushed himself to the limit on the crutches. More sensation was returning all the time.
‘How’s your horse riding now?’ he asked one evening. ‘Think you’re good enough to protect me?’ He spoke these last words with a grin.
‘I’ll give it a try,’ she said. ‘But it’s too soon for Damon. You’ll have to ride Rosie, in a built-up saddle.’
‘Which I’ve no doubt you’ve already ordered.’
‘It’s been waiting in the stable for days.’
They went out next morning, and with the aid of a mounting block he made a better job of getting into the saddle than she’d expected. The stable lads clapped and Jason grinned an acknowledgement, while Elinor mounted Tansy. And then they were off, out of the yard and across the lawn towards the trees.
‘How does it feel?’ she asked after a while.
‘Great, considering I can’t see where we’re going! I can’t control Rosie with my legs, but she’s such a peaceful soul that it doesn’t matter.’
When they’d ambled for a while he said, ‘Let’s head for the stream. There’s a place near the little bridge where there’s a tree stump. If we use it as a mounting block, you can help me off.’
She found the spot, dismounted and tied up her horse. She climbed onto the stump and steadied Jason while he dismounted. When he was sure of his balance he stepped down to the ground, holding her with one hand and Rosie with the other. But instead of sitting down he leaned back against the trunk of a nearby oak tree and tightened his arm about her waist.
‘If I die for it I’m going to kiss you on my own two feet,’ he said, drawing her close.
She knew what he meant as soon as their lips touched. The confidence surging through him gave his mouth a new purpose, and with every fierce, skilful caress he was telling her that his days as an invalid were numbered and she would soon have him to reckon with. The thought of that time sent a thrill through her and she kissed him back ardently.
Problems fell away. This was the man she loved, no matter what strange paths had brought her to him. She loved him and she would tell him so in everything but words. Words were too perilous just yet.
But there were secrets that could be told all the more honestly for being silent. He sensed them in her eager response, and wondered what kind of woman this was who protected him like a lioness one moment, and melted in his arms the next.
‘Stop, I can’t breathe,’ she protested.
‘I don’t want you to breathe,’ he growled. ‘I want you to forget everything but me—’
‘I always—’
‘Not as a patient, as a man. Don’t you understand, or shall I kiss you again to make it plain?’
‘No,’ she gasped, ‘Jason, please—’
He ignored her, kissing her ruthlessly until her head whirled. The lion was stirring again, telling her to beware because his strength had returned, and with it his authority. He was breathing hard when he released her.
‘Why can’t I see your face?’ he grated. ‘Why?’
‘You soon will,’ she promised. ‘The day after tomorrow.’
‘And if I don’t?’
There it was—the thought that haunted every moment with dread. In two days Andrew would come to uncover his eyes, and they would know his fate. Then his life would begin again, or he would be plunged into wretchedness.
‘Suppose I can walk but not see?’ he said. ‘Wouldn’t that be a sick joke?’
‘Don’t run to meet it,’ she begged. ‘Somehow we have to survive until then.’ He was still holding her. Forgetting passion, she laid her head against his shoulder as though it were she, not he, who needed comfort.
‘I’ll try not to be a pain in the neck,’ he promised, finding the top of her head and kissing it.
‘You be as much of a pain as you like,’ she said. ‘That’s what I’m here for.’
‘Would you like me to tell you what you’re here for?’ he growled. ‘No, perhaps not. That wouldn’t help me keep calm. Give me a chaste peck and I’ll try to think pure thoughts. It’ll be hard, but I’ll try.’
It thrilled her when he hinted at the urgency of his desire, and she couldn’t help giving a soft, delighted chuckle. Sweat stood out on his brow.
‘Don’t laugh like that, Dragon Lady. Not unless you want me to lose my sanity.’ He shuddered and pulled himself together. ‘Now help me climb back on Rosie. And behave yourself.’
Elinor awoke so suddenly that she sat up before she realised it. She held still, straining to hear any noise from Jason’s room.
It was the last night before the big day, and they’d both been on edge for hours. Now instinct told her that he was lying awake. She slipped across the corridor into his room.
‘Can’t you sleep either?’ came his voice from the darkness.
‘I dozed, but I woke up and felt sure you needed me.’ She went to sit beside him on the bed.
‘You must have heard me thinking about you,’ he said. ‘Tomorrow—it’s what I’ve wanted and yet—The next few hours are going to be the worst of my life, but I can face them with you beside me.’
‘I’ll be here as long as you want me,’ she promised.
‘That might be a long time,’ he murmured, almost to himself.
‘What?’
‘Nothing. I didn’t say anything.’
His hand grasped hers tightly, as though she was all he had to cling to. She clasped him back, trying to offer him all the strength and courage she possessed.
‘Stay with me,’ he whispered. ‘Don’t leave me alone tonight.’
‘I won’t. Go to sleep.’
She watched him, feeling a passionate, tender protectiveness. At last she could tell by his breathing that he’d fallen asleep, and she raised his hand and held it first against her breast, then against her cheek.
After a moment she made a decision. Slipping off her dressing gown, she crept in under the covers to be with him. Deeply asleep though he was, he seemed to know she was there, and came into her arms at once. She held him close, resting her cheek against his head, possessed by an aching sweetness that made her want to weep.
Jason had said that only a woman ‘terribly in love’ could stick by him. With Simon love had been idyllic for a while, but Jason was a different man who needed her in a different way. With him love was poignant, joyful, sad, devastating and terrible. It was a fierce emotion, part desire, part tenderness, and it left her nowhere to hide.
And yet the problems lay in wait. If he regained his sight he would recognise her and demand an explanation. If he stayed blind and wanted her, she would still have to tell him the truth. Would he understand her innocent deception?
He stirred, but only to burrow against her a little more deeply, hiding his face between her breasts, inciting desires that tortured her. She wanted him so much.
It took only a moment to slip off her nightdress and offer him the full beauty of her naked body. He seemed to understand, for his hands began to explore her, while he murmured incoherent words of passion and longing. Her flesh, which for too long had been cold and unresponsive, came to burning life under his touch. No other man could have made her feel such sensations. Not even Simon—long in the past—had given her the pleasure she felt in Jason’s intimate caresses.
He too was returning to life, becoming again a man who could love with his body as well as his heart. What she was doing now was dangerous, but no power on earth could have kept her from the rapt contemplation of his body beneath her hands, his limbs entwined with hers.
Perhaps this bittersweet moment was a kind of stealing, but she was like a beggar, hoarding crumbs. And she would steal those crumbs if she had to, in case they were all she ever had. If she had to leave and never see him again, she would still have this one night when she had been his, all his. Not a nurse, but a woman making a gift of herself, heart, soul and body, to the man her heart adored. And even if he never knew she would know, and treasure her secret.
She drew him closer, murmuring soothing words to prevent him awakening. She felt him relax against her, seeking refuge in her warmth.
‘I’m here,’ she whispered. ‘I’m here, my darling.’
Andrew was on time. Everyone at Tenby Manor was agog, but Jason stayed upstairs, hidden from curious eyes, in case of the worst.
Jason greeted Andrew with a cheerful word but he was deadly pale. ‘Let’s get on with it.’
Andrew proceeded to ease the black mask off. But Jason didn’t move, not even to open his eyes. Elinor watched him, not daring to breathe. Surely something must happen soon? But he sat, motionless, until he dropped his head. She understood then. He was afraid of the final step, afraid of the death of hope.
She dropped to her knees beside him.
‘Jason,’ she said softly, taking his hands gently in hers. ‘Jason, it’s all right. I’m here. Look at me, my dear.’
A violent tremor went through Jason, but he let her draw his hands down.
‘Look at me,’ she repeated. ‘Open your eyes.’
‘I can’t,’ he said hoarsely.
She touched his face with gentle fingers. ‘You once said it drove you mad not to know what I looked like. Now’s your chance to find out. It’ll be all right. Trust me.’
Oh, God, she thought, don’t let me be wrong, or how will he bear it? How can I help him then?
‘You’re not afraid, are you?’ she asked. ‘Not you?’
‘I have no courage now except what you give me.’
‘Then take what I have to give. Let me help you across the last hurdle.’
He raised his head and turned it to face her. Slowly he opened his eyes, but then instantly closed them again with a groan, threw his head back and covered his face with his hands.
‘Oh, no!’ Elinor wept. ‘Please, no!’
‘The light,’ he cried. ‘I can’t bear the light.’
It was a moment before the truth dawned on her. She covered her mouth, almost choking with joy.
‘He hasn’t seen for a long time,’ Andrew observed, smiling broadly. ‘The light’s going to be harsh just at first, plus it’ll take a moment for him to focus.’
At last Jason looked down to where she was kneeling beside his chair, and a slow smile spread over his face.
‘Elinor,’ he whispered, ‘you’re beautiful.’
‘Oh, Jason, Jason—’ She hardly knew that her tears had begun to fall. He took her face between his hands. His eyes were clear and shining. And they held a look, as they gazed on her, that made her heart stop.
‘Thank you,’ he said simply. ‘Thank you for getting me through this. For being there in the darkness—and now in the light. For being beautiful. For being as I dreamed of you. For being you.’
He laid his lips on hers. Elinor put her arms about his neck, and gave herself up to his gentle kiss.
With a sigh of resignation Andrew slipped out of the door. Neither of them knew that he’d gone.
‘You can see,’ Elinor said in wonder. ‘Tell me that you can see.’
‘I can see as well as I ever did.’
‘Oh, thank God!’ she whispered passionately. ‘Thank God!’
She was dizzy. Everything was happening too fast.
By some mysterious process she’d felt Jason’s pain as her own. And now his joy too was her own. She smiled up into his eyes, feeling the world rock beneath her.
At last she noticed that Andrew was no longer there, and in the same moment they heard a faint cheer from down below.
‘Andrew must have told everyone,’ she said. ‘They all came to wait in the hall downstairs. They’ll want to see you.’
‘I just want to be alone with you—to look at your face. I want to touch it and kiss it, and then look at it again and again.’
‘Is it—what you expected?’ she asked nervously.
‘Yes, it is,’ he said in a tone of wonder. ‘It’s strange, but I seem always to have known how you would look.’
Her heart was thumping. At any moment he would recognise her. She must tell him now, without further delay.
‘Jason, I—’
There was a knock on the door and Hilda’s voice called, ‘Can we come in?’
‘I suppose it would be unkind to keep them out,’ Jason said with a reluctant sigh. ‘But soon you and I will be together and then—there’s so much I want to say.’
The rest of the day was given over to celebrations.
Jason showed himself to his eager staff, then hauled himself on crutches to the stables, to see the horses. It was wonderful to watch him greeting old friends with love, stroking their noses, and at last seeing for himself that they were unhurt.
But every few moments he glanced across at Elinor, as if trying to reassure himself that she was still there. And she knew that for him, as for her, this was simply going through the motions until their moment should come.
At last he’d paid his dues to his household, and was free to admit that he was tiring.
‘You’ve overdone it,’ Elinor said. ‘You were bound to, but it’s time to have a rest.’
‘Yes, Nurse,’ he said with suspicious meekness.
Perhaps Hilda had guessed something, for they found champagne and two glasses waiting in his room. Elinor poured the sparkling liquid, and they drank a triumphant toast, smiling into each other’s eyes.
Jason’s face was pale from the exhausting day, but nothing could quench his joy. When she’d helped him onto the bed he pulled her down beside him and straight into his arms.
It was their first kiss as equals, the first kiss in which she could risk putting her whole heart. And she did so, nothing held back, telling him silently that he was now her whole life, and she was his however he wanted.
‘Elinor,’ he murmured. ‘Elinor…’
Her name sounded sweet on his lips. He said it in a special way, as though he was naming something sacred and precious. ‘I didn’t imagine last night, did I?’ he whispered. ‘It wasn’t just a beautiful dream?’
‘No, it wasn’t a dream,’ she said joyfully.
The past was forgotten. He wasn’t the man she’d hated, he was the man she loved, would love until she died.
‘Do I need to say it?’ he whispered.
‘No, my dearest. You don’t have to, but—’
She wanted to hear the words of love, now that she was free at last to show her feelings. There were so many ways to love, and so many glorious years ahead to spend finding new ways. This was the moment she’d waited and longed for—for six years, although she hadn’t known it—and she was going to savour it to the utmost.
‘Jason,’ she murmured.
‘I love to hear you speak my name.’
She said it again and again, and Jason smiled in a happiness that echoed her own. He drew back and gazed down into her face with a look of adoration.
Then something seemed to strike him. He drew a sharp breath, and as she watched his smile faded, to be replaced by disbelief, then belief, then shock.
‘You,’ he breathed. ‘You!’