How to find the perfect balance between predictable—and dangerous.
QUESTION: Gentlemen, what’s something you would like to try in the bedroom with your wife or girlfriend? (Respondents could choose more than one.)
Toys: 79 PERCENT
Watching porn: 78 PERCENT
Public sex: 77 PERCENT
Videotaping: 69 PERCENT
Light bondage: 67 PERCENT
Role playing: 67 PERCENT
Grooming or shaving: 66 PERCENT
Threesomes: 55 PERCENT
Swinging or swapping: 24 PERCENT
SOMETIMES, A MAN CAN TRACK HIS sexual future like The Weather Channel: He has a good idea when he’s going to see sexual sunshine or have all businesses closed down because of the massive ice storm. Sometimes, he has no idea what’s coming: Maybe his play date will be spoiled by rain, or maybe he’ll be showered with something he never saw coming.
Both aspects—the predictable and the unpredictable—serve their purposes. The predictable sex, in a way, de-stresses us—and comforts us—by letting us know that every sexual encounter won’t have to take a doubleovertime shift of pursuit and seduction in order to get there. (In a way, knowing we’re going to get no sex does the same thing, because it means that we know we can get a good night’s sleep.)
Curtis, a 33-year-old high school science teacher, says that he and wife have fallen into the routine of having sex every Friday night and every Sunday morning. “I guess for some people, they may not like the fact that sex looks like it’s a scheduled appointment, but I don’t look at it that way. When I wake up Friday, knowing that we’re going to have sex that night, it’s kind of like cerebral foreplay, even though we haven’t even talked about it. It builds up, because I spend some of the day thinking about the fact that that’s probably what we’re going to do later on.”
On the flip side, the unpredictable sex is what excites us—and it’s one of the things that make us appreciate our relationship with you. With 21 percent of men saying the one thing they’d like to change about their sex life is “more experimentation” and “more variety,” it’s clear that men value spontaneity—an unexpected pair of panties on the doorknob. (“The best was a morning surprise. She woke me up and we just went at it from there,” says Jay, 32. And Paul, 34, adds: “It was on our first anniversary. She walked in on me in the shower. I think the surprise is what made it the most memorable.”)
Geoff, 37, a golf instructor in Nevada, says the most memorable sex he’s had with his wife occurred in the parking lot of a baseball stadium. “We were going to see a Braves game in Atlanta, and we had the very back seat out of the van,” he says. “We got to the game two hours before it started and she suggested we ‘go back there.’ I was shocked. She pulled down my pants, performed oral sex on me, and then with me on my back, climbed on top of me. Unbelievable.”
SAY THIS, NOT THAT!
SAY THIS: Maybe we should try this flavored lube I bought today. I know just where to put it for a taste test.
NOT: Our sex life is so boring. We need to try something new.
BECAUSE: Don’t just demand excitement, bring it on!
SAY THIS: Tonight I HAVE to sleep, but tomorrow night I’ll rip your clothes off with my teeth.
NOT: I’m not in the mood.
BECAUSE: Rejection is always tough—even after years of marriage.
SAY THIS: Your penis is huge!
NOT: Silence.
BECAUSE: You love him.
Stephen, 25, a computer software sales rep, wasn’t quite as lucky when he and his wife tried to experiment with something new. “We were visiting my in-laws. It was a Sunday afternoon, Vikings vs. Packers. The in-laws were at a neighborhood party, so my wife and I started to fool around. Apparently, my father in-law decided to come home to change the laundry. Who the hell does that during a Viking/ Packer party? He walked in as I was making love to his daughter, in his house, in his office area.”
Stephen laughs about it now, saying that it probably would’ve been a better experience if he were able to finish. (“Or if the Vikings won,” he says.) But the point is that every once in a while, we need to push our sexual experiences to places, times, and positions we’ve never tried. As long as that doesn’t include your father’s office.
Perhaps Nathan, 33, a computer specialist, says it best. “Men don’t necessarily want racier sex or wilder sex. I think men just want to be more attracted to their partners,” he says. “Men don’t get bored with their partners themselves, but maybe their looks. Just shake things up—get a new haircut, try new makeup, try to look just a little different and you’ll find that your man will get a lot more interested. It’s like the idea for ‘enriching the environment’ for animals in a zoo cage. Enrichment means doing novel things in the environment to keep the animals interested.”
WHAT IT MEANS WHEN
… One eye is on the TV while you’re talking to him
He knows it’s rude, but he thinks it’d be ruder to say, “Not now, dear, the last few minutes of Becker trumps what you have to say, if you can just hang on to that thought for a few minutes.”
… He says he doesn’t want anything for his birthday
Anything electronics-, sports-, or music-related will be just fine.
… He says, “three or four,” when you ask him how many drinks he had while he was out
Six or seven, as well as two shots.
Dressing up. He looks so good and obviously feels good in a nice suit, so why doesn’t he want to put one on more often?
For the same reason you don’t like nylons. We’ll do it, but we’d rather be in sandals, cargo shorts, and the Atari T-shirt we found at a thrift store.
I’ve had sex with my new boyfriend a few times now, and I want to turn the volume up a little, but I don’t want him to think I’m too experienced. When’s a good time to bring in some, oh, value-added moves to the bedroom? And how can I do it without him thinking I’m a leather-and-cuffs queen?
The key here is to think of the difference between a scream and a whisper. While some of us are certainly into showy, turn-my-treadmill-into-a-sex-toy sex, many men pine for more subtle changes. Julie, 28, remembers the time her boyfriend was a groomsman. “Right before he walked down the aisle, I leaned over and told him that I wanted to go in the back for a quickie and that my ‘little black dress’ prohibited me from wearing underwear,” she says. “He had to stand up at the wedding, but kept glancing in my direction. The entire reception he could barely keep his hands off me. It was hours of torture before I could make good on my seductive threat. And it made for an incredible night.” It was the perfect storm of excitement and anticipation—the predictability that he knew he was in for sex, but the unpredictability of how he found out about it.
My husband and I were at a wedding and we both got pretty drunk—him a little more so than me. When we got back to the hotel room, he took off all his clothes and flopped down on the bed, like it was matter-of-fact that we were going to have sex. And that kinda pissed me off—that automatically because we’re in a hotel room and at a wedding, he’s going to get some. So nothing happened that night and I could tell he was disappointed. And then I got pissed—like he had a right to be upset that we didn’t have sex. Why does he think he does?
On the surface, he knows that he should never expect sex. But, especially in his inebriated state, he was turning Pavlovian on you. Hotel? Check. Wedding? Check. Drunk and Horny? Check. With all systems in place, he concluded that there was only one conceivable outcome—two naked bodies doing the Room 423 version of the Electric Slide. “One night, my girlfriend and I finished off two bottles of wine,” says Tom, 30, a pharmacist in Massachusetts. “And she was just much more uninhibited. She talked dirty, she moved more, she was into it. It was good because it was no holds barred, anything goes, nobody taps out. We were both completely into doing whatever needed to be done to give the other amazing sex.” It makes sense, especially when alcohol’s involved, to give a guy a heads up that there’ll be no, um, heads down that night.
How satisfied he is with his partner’s sexual performance
| Extremely satisfied: | 16 percent |
| Very satisfied: | 26 percent |
| Satisfied: | 26 percent |
| Somewhat satisfied: | 23 percent |
| Not at all satisfied: | 9 percent |
Male Mysteries
61
Percentage of men who don’t think their partners are sexually adventurous enough
I know men are happy with any sex, or at least that’s what they say. But if you had to rank what men really want in bed, give me the bottom line. What really satisfies a man? It depends entirely on the man. Some men are into anonymous sex. (“My best was when I was working at a Club Med and met a woman who gave me oral sex as the sun came up while I was lying naked on the beach. I almost sang the ‘Star Spangled Banner,’” says Rich, 26.) Some men are into deep sex. (“The best sex I had was when my girlfriend and I didn’t need to talk at all. We just connected so completely that everything flowed naturally, and we were both worn out when it was over,” says Andrew, 38.) But the best sex of all is a combination of wild physical abandon and deep emotional connection. Sixty-two percent of men say their sexual experience is best when they’re connected both emotionally and physically. William, a 32-year-old building contractor, says it best: “The best sex I had was an all-night romp, which was one-half animalistic and one-half emotional. We both just let ourselves go with each other.”
• Don’t dismiss a sexual routine as being boring—at least not to him. Most times, he appreciates knowing exactly when there may be a next time.
• For a man, few things will ever top you throwing him a sexual surprise party.
• Physical passion is the gin to the tonic of emotional passion. We need both to feel sated.
SAY THIS TONIGHT!
The sexiest thing a woman ever said to Noah, 23:
“I want to ride you into the sunset.”
The sexiest thing Natalie, 29, ever said to a man:
“Pull over. I need you to make love to me right now.”
WHAT’S THE ONE THING HE’LL NEVER TELL HIS WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND ABOUT WHAT SHE’S LIKE IN BED?
• “She needs to give more than she receives.”
• “She needs to initiate every once in a while.”
• “She holds back too much, I can definitely tell I married a Baptist. She can’t see much more past on the top or on the bottom.”
• “She could be more active. Take me, baby!”
• “She’s unadventurous because she feels if you do something you’ve done with someone else, you must be thinking of that other person.”
• “We do the same things too often. I would never say it because even though it may be true, it is still amazing.”
• “I would never tell her that she didn’t turn me on as much as a previous girlfriend, not if I want to keep my testicles anyway.”
• “Be more confident in your looks.”
• “When she’s on top, she’s very robotic.”
• “Make more noise.”
• “I enjoy doing different things, but I don’t want her to think I’m odd.”
• “She needs more bounce per ounce.”
• “She doesn’t grind as much as I’d like.”