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★☆★☆★
I was at the bridal shop with Jayda. She had called me and begged me to be in her wedding. It was a surprise that she was getting married, but it had been over a year since we had finished college and I guess she’d met her dream guy. Of course I was gonna be in her wedding. How could I say no? She still lived in San Diego and I’d made the eight-hour drive down to be in her wedding. I’d been fitted for the dress in a shop near my house, and had it shipped to the shop in San Diego where she lived.
I gasped as she walked out into the shop wearing a fitted, mermaid-style beaded white dress. It was simply stunning, and caused tears to spring to my eyes. She looked so beautiful, and I was so happy for her. The dress I’d ordered in royal blue was draped over my arm and I was frozen in awe, staring at her.
She laughed at me. “Go try on your dress and come stand by me!”
I nodded. “Okay.”
I went into the fitting room and stripped off my jean capris and white tank top.
Stepping into the strapless royal blue dress, I pulled it up over my bare chest and gasped as the rough material rubbed over my nipples. They were kinda tender. What?
Then when I looked in the mirror, I gasped again as I felt so bloated in the dress. My normally very flat belly was now pooching out, and my boobs were spilling out over the top of the dress. I looked like a plus-sized porn star standing there, staring at myself in the mirror. I didn’t even want to leave the fitting room looking like this, let alone go out and show Jayda what a fat ass I’d become since moving home. The damn shift work had caused me to pack on the weight. I was sure of it.
I have got to go on a diet!
“Come on, Miranda, I don’t have all day! I need to go get some shoes after this, and you’re coming with me!” I heard her shout.
I slunk out of the fitting room and stood next to her, both of us gazing at our reflections in the multiple mirrors of the bridal shop.
Jayda gasped. “Oh, my God, you look so beautiful!” Her light hazel eyes traveled the length of my dress, from my feet to my head.
I nodded. “So do you. I can’t believe you’re getting married.”
A sentimental look colored her face, and she replied, “Me either. Troy is just perfect. Seriously... I couldn’t ask for a better guy.”
I smiled at her. “I’m sure. So when do I get to meet him?”
She shrugged, turning her reflection back to the mirror. “I guess at the rehearsal dinner.”
I raised a pale eyebrow at her. Pointing at her head, I said, “Please tell me you’re not wearing the signature ponytail to your own wedding?”
She snorted. “No, but I’ll probably wear it the rehearsal dinner.”
I studied her for a minute and looped my finger through the ponytail and gently tugged. “Troy likes to pull it, doesn’t he?”
She snorted with laughter. “How’d you guess?”
***
Jayda’s wedding had literally gone off without a hitch. Along with Stephanie and myself, Jayda’s sister had joined our wedding party and we’d all been bridesmaids. It was so much fun, and the weekend had flown by. I couldn’t believe it was time for me to go back home. The memories of my college days down in San Diego made me smile the whole time I was there. I was happy for Jayda, and hoped she and Troy had a happy life together.
Thank God for social media so I could keep in touch with them!
Upon returning home from the wedding, I collapsed on my bed and fell asleep. I was utterly exhausted.
I woke a short time later and looked at the clock. It was two in the afternoon and I gasped at how long I’d slept. I had to be at work four, and I quickly got up and showered.
After putting on my blue polo shirt and cargo pants, I put my hair into a lazy twist with a clip and got into my little red Civic and drove to work. I was glad to have had a few days off for Jayda’s wedding, even though I had had to call in sick one of the days since the lieutenant wouldn’t let me use any of my vacation time.
Asshole.
I got to the front lobby and was informed I was to report to the visiting room. Dammit! I forgot it was Friday night.
I got to the visiting room and saw two other officers sitting at the officer’s desk. They were both males – one was Anderson, the guy I’d gone on the medical trip with a couple weeks ago. It was going to be a very long night. Being the only female meant I was stuck doing all strip searches of all the inmates going into and leaving the visiting room.
Oh, joy.
After chatting with my coworkers for a few minutes, one of them went and opened up the door. He let in a few inmate families, and I went into the sally-port of the visiting room and called for the first inmate. Thankfully (for me, not her), she had been in prison a while, and knew what to do. She quickly stripped her clothes off and stood bare before me. I could see a myriad of cut scars all over her body, and stifled a gasp. The cutters were the worst, their bodies marred by years of taking out their stress and grief on themselves. This inmate had tons, some fresh and glistening, some scabbed over, but most of them old, white, and ropey. I took pity on her briefly, then remembered there was a line of inmates waiting to be stripped. She bent over and coughed to show me she wasn’t hiding anything in her body, and then stood up and looked at me, annoyed. I nodded, waving her out of the room. She quickly dressed and left.
This went on for four hours, on and off, as inmates would come in, and then leave. I couldn’t believe they paid me for this crap.
***
Another month passed and I finally felt like I was moving forward. In the 18 months I had worked at the prison, had saved almost twenty thousand dollars, and had found a house I wanted to buy. It was small, and not in the best neighborhood, but I was so excited to own something. My mother had actually found it, and thought I would like it. Even though it was just two bedrooms, and needed a lot of work, I was excited to buy it and get started working on it.
I figured it was a good time. I had no romantic entanglements to deal with. I hadn’t heard from Jason in almost two months. He had given up, I suppose, and I was both relieved and sad. I felt guilty for getting back with him briefly, even if I did only sleep with him just once. It was enough for him to think we were gonna pick up where we’d left off. Ugh.
Thankfully, Chris had stopped texting, too. Hopefully I was done with that guy. I couldn’t handle the sick feeling in my stomach every time I saw his face on my phone calling me, or his name on the screen when he’d text. It had been over two years since I’d seen him, I sorta felt free now. I felt like I was turning over a new leaf; starting a new chapter in my life. I decided it was time to delete his number from my phone, and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted as I hit that delete button.
My parents went with me to sign the papers to my new house, and when the realtor placed the keys in my hand, I had to fight back tears. I didn’t have much, but what little possessions I had, I moved into my small house, vowing to save more for some new furniture.
I was sitting at my small hand-me-down dining room table, reading something on my phone when the doorbell rang. I jumped up a little too quickly and felt dizzy. I had to sit back down and blow out a breath. Steadying myself, I got back up slowly and went to the door.
“Hi,” I said to the pizza delivery guy.
He was chomping on gum, his bad skin stretching as he smiled at me. “That’s eleven fifty.”
I handed him fifteen dollars and told him to keep the change. I watched him scurry down the three steps off my porch and between the juniper bushes that lined the walk. He got into his beat-up old pickup truck with the lighted pizza sign at the top and sped off. I briefly spied the peeling beige paint on the outside railing of my house and shook my head. This house needed a lot of work. But it was mine. I smiled.
I set the pizza box on the counter of my kitchen and opened it, my stomach somersaulting in hunger. I pulled out a soda from the fridge and sat at the small wood dining room table and dug in to my feast. I continued to look at sites on my phone as I ate. Once I was done, I rinsed my plate and put it in the dishwasher. I realized it was like nine p.m. on a Saturday night and I was sitting home alone. How pathetic was I? I really should call some of my old friends and see what they were doing. Then I remembered they were either all married or had kids or both – or had moved away. I should probably try to make some new friends at work. I missed Jayda and Stephanie right about now.
While I was lost in my self-pity, a huge wave of nausea rolled over me. I set the soda down and went sprinting down the hall. I had barely reached the toilet before my entire dinner came up. I hardly had time to pull my hair back to avoid it getting splashed with vomit. I rinsed out my mouth with some water and mouthwash and went into my room and changed. Chalking it up to food poisoning, I slunk into bed and turned the TV on.
Hell of a way to spend a Saturday night, I groaned.
The next morning was not much better. I threw up again, this time there wasn’t much. I prayed for it to go away since I had to go into work at 4 again, and certainly didn’t need to be sick around the inmates.
Except that’s exactly what happened. I would be okay, then I would have to rush to the staff bathroom and be sick.
“Girl, you sure you ain’t pregnant?” one inmate asked me.
I stared at her dark brown eyes that were almost mocking. Her hand on her hip, she seemed to be very amused by my sickness. I was more annoyed that they had heard me getting sick. I had run the water and everything while I puked, but it seemed nothing got by them.
I should have just ignored her, but I didn’t. I waved a dismissive hand. “Don’t be ridiculous. Now leave me alone, Johnson. And don’t call me ‘girl.’”
She snorted and walked away. I heard her tell another two inmates while jerking a thumb behind her, “C.O. Barbie’s pregnant.”
Ugh! I hated it when they called me that.
Pregnant. Right! I hadn’t sex in a couple of months, and it was once –
with Jason. I couldn’t be pregnant. I just couldn’t. I racked my brain for the last time I’d had a period. I sadly couldn’t remember. It had been before Jason, I could remember being annoyed by it when we had had a work get-together at the lake and I wanted to waterski and decided against getting into a bikini. But since then, I couldn’t remember. I hadn’t had one since Jayda’s wedding, I remember that much. Then I remember how bloated I had felt in that tight dress. I still felt bloated... and gross... but I thought I had just put on weight from this stupid job. I was eating junk constantly, and late at night while I was working.
On the way home from work, I stopped into the Walgreens and went straight to the section with the pregnancy tests. I literally laughed out loud like a crazy person, then looked around to see if anyone was watching me. I couldn’t believe I was buying a pregnancy test. This was utterly ridiculous. Just buy the test; it’ll be negative, then you can put these crazy thoughts out of your head. Your period’s late ‘cause you’re stressed and not eating right and working odd hours.
These were the lies I told myself so I wouldn’t flip out.
Once I got home, I ripped the package open and read the instructions. I pulled the cap off the little white stick and awkwardly peed on it. I set the timer and changed into my T-shirt and loose shorts. I felt nauseous again, and figured it was nerves. After three agonizing minutes, the timer dinged. I walked slowly toward the bathroom and peered at the counter, looking down at the sink as if the pregnancy stick would jump up and bite me.
It might as well have. There were two thick, pink lines staring up at me.
Pregnant.
After staring at the offensive stick with my mouth open for no less than two minutes, I finally remembered how to breathe and burst into tears, falling into crumpled into a heap onto the floor, rocking myself back and forth, hoping I’d wake up from this nightmare.