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★☆★☆★
“The fetus is measuring about 14 weeks.”
I sat up, my eyes wide. “What!” I croaked out in disbelief.
The ultrasound tech wiped off the little stick she’d just stuck up my most private place and pointed at the screen. “Your baby’s about fourteen weeks’ gestation.”
I stared at the screen and squinted. “It’s a blob.”
She laughed and pointed at the different parts. “No, there’s the head, shoulders, arms, and legs.”
I looked at her and turned my head. “Can you tell if it’s a boy or girl?”
She answered immediately. “I didn’t see a penis or even the start of one. It’s kinda early, but I’d put my money on a girl.”
My eyebrows raised. I had barely had time to register that I was pregnant, and now I was having a girl? I hadn’t told anyone. Not a soul. Not my parents, not Jayda or Stephanie, not my coworkers or boss – and especially not Jason. Because it was for sure his. How the hell was I gonna have that conversation?
I thanked the lady and left the office. Before my ultrasound, I had made an appointment to see a doctor for regular prenatal appointments. I couldn’t believe this was my life. I was still reeling in shock. I couldn’t be a mother. I couldn’t be a single mother! This was not the way my life was supposed to go.
Abortion was out of the question. Not only did I not really believe in it – for me, anyway – the baby was already way too big, right? And it was a girl. I was gonna have a daughter. Oh, my God. What was I gonna tell her about her daddy?
I got into my car and stared at my phone. It was hot now, the middle of summer, and the ultrasound lady had told me I was due at the end of January sometime. I wondered if Jason even still lived in the area. I felt tears sting my eyes. One slipped down my cheek and I wiped it away. I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want him in my life. But that was selfish. This baby deserved a daddy. And I certainly didn’t have anyone in my life who could substitute. Even if I did, that wasn’t fair to Jason.
Maybe I should just wait until after the baby’s born and be sure. Jason had dark hair and eyes. Surely this baby would look a little like him. I was fair; blonde hair, light brown eyes, freckles. She wouldn’t look like me, would she? But what did that matter? She was Jason’s. I hadn’t been with anyone else. Why was I even having this conversation with myself? If anyone could hear me, they would hate me for being such a flake and a loser. Then I started laughing at my own musings.
I’m going crazy. That’s all there is to it.
How was I gonna tell my parents? My mother – oh, God, my mother. Her disapproving looks already colored her face every time she saw me, which I never understood, but my daddy. I couldn’t bear it if he looked at me that way. Surely he would be more understanding than her. Maybe I should call my sister Vanessa first.
No! I had to call Jason first. He deserved at least that much.
I took a deep breath, brushed away more tears, and searched my contacts until I found his number. I hit the green button to call him.
He answered on the first ring. He had a smile in his voice. “Hi, Miranda. Long-time-no-talk.”
With no preamble whatsoever, I said, “Jason. We need to talk. Meet me at Starbucks on Main at six tonight.”
He cleared his throat. “Uh, okay. Everything all right?”
I sighed. “Please, Jason? I really need to talk to you.”
“Sure, cutie. I’ll see you then.”
I hung up and wanted to throw up again.
Seeing his smiling face just made things worse. I kinda wish I was “showing” so I wouldn’t have to tell him. But I was tall, and just a little pooch was all that was showing from my midsection. I just looked fat. He hugged me as soon as he saw me sitting at a table. I was nursing a chai tea.
“You look beautiful,” he said after pulling away.
I looked into his kind brown eyes and just blurted it out. “Jason, I’m pregnant.”
His eyes flew to my midsection, then back into my eyes. “Okay...”
“It’s yours.”
A deep line etched between his eyebrows. “But we haven’t...”
“I’m over three months along.”
I could see him doing the math in his head, and I burst into laughter. Irrational, crazy person laughter.
He looked more confused than ever. “What’s so funny?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. I have no control over my emotions whatsoever.”
He stared at me long and hard, and when I saw some glimmer of hope in his eyes, I knew exactly what he was gonna say, so I cut him off at the pass. “Jason, please don’t think this means we’re back together.”
The deflated look on his face almost killed me.
“Seriously?” he asked.
God, I was such a jerk. “I’m sorry. I really am. I just don’t feel that way about you. Not anymore. I didn’t want this, but it’s happening, so we’re going to have to put on our adult hats and be the best parents we can be to her.”
Both his dark, groomed eyebrows rose to his hairline. “Her?”
I nodded. “Yes, they’re pretty sure it’s a girl.”
His eyes misted over and I almost lost it as he whispered, “I’m gonna have a daughter?”
I smiled. “Yes, you are.”
He got up and made me stand. He hugged me. “I’m gonna be a good dad to her, you hear me?”
Relief washed over me. I hoped he was telling the truth, because right now, he was all I had.
Being pregnant wasn’t the end of the world. My mother didn’t speak to me for pretty much the entire pregnancy, but my dad did. My sister was sort of indifferent; she was too busy with her own life, her job, her boyfriends, and whatever else she had going on to really be really involved. We had never been close anyway. She and my mom were close. I had been left to my own devices.
Jason came to what appointments he could. Some he didn’t make, and I didn’t mind. Every time I saw him, waves of guilt would wash over me and make me cry. I wanted to love him, for the sake of our daughter, but I just couldn’t force what wasn’t there. So many times I told myself to just give in. Jason could probably give me a good life, and I would be okay. But deep down, I knew that not only making those decisions while hormonal and pregnant was not a good idea, I knew I deserved more. I deserved better – and so did he for that matter. I just wondered if one day someone would accept me and my daughter and all the baggage I would now be bringing to the table.
Those were thoughts I had to push from my mind. I couldn’t afford them right now. I had bigger problems. Like trying to be a correctional officer while eight months pregnant. Thankfully the inmates were pretty nice to me, some of them overly curious about my pregnancy, and a few even wanted to feel my belly and touch me – which was absolutely out of the question, so I would politely blow them off. But I didn’t fear for my safety of the baby’s at all, so that was a blessing, I suppose.
I also knew there was no way in hell I could do shift work while being a single mom with a baby. I needed a nine-to-five job, and while I began to think I better look outside the prison, one of my male coworkers had a suggestion.
“Why don’t you apply for that secretary job that’s open? That is day shift with weekends and holidays off.”
“It’s also a wicked pay cut,” I snapped back.
He held his hands up in surrender. “I was just tryin’ to help.”
I sighed. “I’m sorry, Jamison. I am just stressed. I can’t do shift work with a baby.” I rubbed my belly.
“Well, if you don’t want to apply, I’m gonna have my wife apply. She needs to get out of retail.”
After he left, I realized he was right. I did need a steady job. I logged into the computer and reluctantly applied.
Two weeks later, I was informed I got the job. I hoped they were okay with me being gone for eight weeks, though, ‘cause I was so gonna take my maternity leave.
I couldn’t believe I had slaved over four years of college to be a secretary.
Ugh.
***
“She looks just like you,” I said to Jason as I rubbed Ashlynn’s head of dark hair.
Jason looked at me, then at her. “Only my coloring. She has your nose and chin.”
Ashlynn Noemi Cates-Robles was a mouthful, but it was what Jason and I had compromised on as far as names. In fact, her name hadn’t been decided until this morning.
My water had broken a week early. I was scheduled for a C-section since Ashlynn was breech, and I thought I had another week to mull over the names Jason had agreed to. My sister had driven me to the hospital, and once I got there, I was already well into my labor, and they had wheeled me back and given me the C-section right away. Jason didn’t even get there in time. Was it wrong that I was kinda relieved about that? I don’t know. Vanessa had stayed with me so I wasn’t alone, and for that, I was grateful.
A small knock on the door to my room had us both looking over. Jason’s new girlfriend of three months, Aimee, was in the doorway with a huge bouquet of pink roses and a white teddy bear wearing a pink tutu. She set them both on my nightstand and hugged me. Then she looked at Ashlynn.
“She’s beautiful. Congratulations.”
Jason got up and kissed her. It seems this situation should be awkward, but I had to admit, I really liked Aimee. She was a beautiful tall, thin blonde with bright blue eyes and perfect teeth. I should hate her, but I didn’t. She was gracious and sweet and good for Jason. Sometimes I saw the glint of longing in Jason’s eyes when he looked at me, but over time, I watched the glint fade. I could tell Aimee made him happy, and she was totally head over heels for him too. She was an absolute saint for tolerating this entire situation.
“I just wanted to drop those off,” she said, pointing at the gifts.
I smiled up at her. “Thank you, Aimee. They’re beautiful.”
She ran her hand over Ashlynn’s tiny head, and spying the little white and pink knit hat on my nightstand, she slid it gingerly over my daughter’s head and patted it one more time.
“I’ll be in the cafeteria, babe,” she said to Jason.
He smiled at her. “I’ll be down soon.”
After she left, Jason looked at me. I grinned at him. “She’s beautiful and good for you, Jas. Don’t let her go.”
He shook his head and grinned. “I won’t.”
I smiled at him, then down at the baby as she began to squeak. I was gonna try to breastfeed her, and figured he could either watch, or get out. I pulled my hospital gown down over my shoulder.
He stood up, clearing his throat. “I’ll let you feed her.”
I grinned. “Okay.”
“Miranda?”
I looked up and winced as her tiny mouth wrapped around my nipple and a firey hot sting of pain shot through me. “Yeah?” I croaked out.
“I’ll always love her, too.” He nodded at Ashlynn.
I smiled through my pain. “I know.”