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★☆★☆★
I lamely caught the ball in my oversized glove, wincing as the hard baseball smacked my palm, even through the glove. I pitched it back to Jace, which he caught, of course.
It was a Tuesday afternoon and I had played hooky from work, just because.
“So how was your weekend?” I asked casually as he lobbed the ball at me again. I didn’t catch it this time, so I had to go chase it. I looked up to see Ashlynn on the swing, singing to herself. The day was perfect, bright and sunny, and the park had plenty of lush, green trees for shade, if we needed it. I eyeballed our picnic stuff to make sure it was still on the bench where I’d left it. I had become so untrusting of everyone since working for the prison.
Dammit.
I tossed the ball to him, and as he caught it, he said, “Weekend was good.”
“Where did you go?”
He dropped the ball into his glove, then picked it up again and repeated the action. It was almost a little threatening, like he was preparing to throw a fastball at me. But I just stared into his eyes.
“I was outside of Reno.”
I nodded. “Okay...”
He threw the ball at me and we continued to throw it back and forth until I was dragged away by Ashlynn’s voice. “I have to go potty, mommy.”
Handing the glove to Jace, I smiled at him and took my girl by the hand and led her to the park restrooms.
While I was waiting for her to do her thing, I thought about what he’d said. Outside of Reno? Vague much? What was he keeping from me? This pit in my gut was not going away. If his answers had been more detailed, more specific, I might not feel this way, but it was always short, clipped responses when I would ask him. Was he married or had some secret girlfriend? I was really beginning to think the latter. What kind of girl would be happy only seeing a guy once a month? Maybe she’s a married woman?
Jace had told me he’d never been married before, so I know it wasn’t an ex-wife. Well, I hope it wasn’t.
Oh, my God! What if he had a kid? Like from some one-night stand that he had to go see once a month? Would he tell me? Why wouldn’t he? I’m a parent, I would understand. If I find out it’s this, I will never speak to him again. He can’t hide a kid from me. He shouldn’t be ashamed of having a child.
My mind was in hyper-drive as usual, flying in twenty different directions like one of those fireworks you shoot off on the 4th of July that zips all over the street and leaves charred marks all over the blacktop.
“You ready to go?” Jace asked, packing the last of our food back into the oversized bag I’d brought for our park picnic since I didn’t have a picnic basket.
I nodded and picked up the light blue blanket we’d been sitting on and folded it neatly, tucking it under my arm. He grabbed my hand and leaned down and kissed me gently on the lips, and I became a big pile of goo under his touch.
Without looking, I reached down and grabbed Ashlynn’s hand, as I could feel her next to my leg, and we walked off toward my car in the lot, hoping for a chill night at home.
***
A couple Saturdays later, Jace, Ashlynn, and I went to take an overnight trip to Santa Cruz and spend the day at the beach boardwalk. They had a carnival-type amusement park there and we thought Ashlynn would love it.
We arrived at our beach hotel and checked in, then went to find something for lunch. Finding a small diner, we were seated at a table near the window and could see the entire boardwalk. Ashlyn was practically licking the window and drooling over the sights and sounds of the people and the rides.
We need to get out more...
“I wanna go on the princess ride!” she said, pointing.
I pulled her away from the window. “Baby, eat your chicken, we can’t go ride the rides ‘til you finish eating.”
Jace laughed as he inhaled the last of his burger, wiping his mouth with the napkin. “Oh, you’re so mean.”
I shot him daggers. “She needs to eat, or she’ll get sick on those rides.”
“Or, you could just let her not eat so she doesn’t have anything to puke up,” he joked.
I snorted. “You’re so gross.”
I let my daughter get away with hardly eating and we headed out to the boardwalk, her tiny hand practically dragging me.
We went on the princess ride first, and she begged to ride it again, so we stood in line. Thankfully it wasn’t as crowded as I expected, but it was also late fall so it was getting chilly. I knew we wouldn’t be able to go swim in the ocean, but thought we could go take a walk on the beach later.
We had to drag her away from the ride when she asked to go a third time and found a few more kiddie rides for her. While we were in line for one, Jace said he had to use the bathroom and would be right back. He kissed me slowly, not caring who was watching, and I smiled. We were becoming one of those couples I used to love to hate. It’s amazing how love can change a person.
I watched him leave in his fitted jeans and black and orange SF Giants hoodie. Hate to see you go, but love to watch you leave. Swoon.
I looked down because I realized I hadn’t felt Ashlynn’s hand on my leg. She wasn’t there. That instant shock of adrenaline and panic hit my system like an explosion, and I looked around to see if she had moved somewhere in line. I didn’t see her anywhere.
“Ashlynn!” I yelled, not caring when everyone’s heads swiveled in my direction.
I could feel fear and tears threatening as I screamed out again, “Ashlynn!”
My eyes were darting everywhere. I hopped over the metal divider that kept us herded into a line and began fast walking, looking everywhere.
“Ashlynn!” I yelled, raking a hand through my hair and trying to stay calm. I felt a hand on my arm.
“What’s wrong? Where’s Ashlynn?” Jace asked me.
I shook my head and rasped, “I don’t know. She was by my leg, and then she wasn’t!”
Jace grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “We’re gonna find her, come on.”
“Ash!” I screamed, still looking. People were staring now, and I just wished they’d all move the hell out of my way so I could find her.
I felt like I was in a dream. I had tunnel vision, not being able to focus on anyone or anything but the sight of my daughter. But she wasn’t anywhere. Every child I looked at wasn’t her. Everyone was staring at me in horror. Why weren’t they helping me? Where was my daughter? I resisted the urge to scream and cry. I was starting to feel dizzy.
Jace began to yell her name, and then a policeman came up to us. “Are you missing your child?”
I nodded. “Yes, can you help us?”
“What was she wearing?” he asked, his hand poised over the mic to the radio he had clipped to the collar of his dark blue uniform. He was tall and I had to look up at him.
“A pair of blue jeans and pink hoodie sweatshirt with the Disney princesses on the front. Oh and white tennis shoes.” I sniffed.
He nodded and said into his mic, “Alpha 1 to base, I’ve found the parents.”
My eyes got big. “You have her?”
He nodded and indicated for us to follow. “Yes, someone brought her to us, said she found her wandering, crying.”
My heart clenched in my chest and I thought I might puke.
He led us to an office on the boardwalk and we walked in to see her sitting at a small desk coloring on a piece of paper.
“Ashlynn!”
“Mommy!” She jumped up and ran into my arms.
“Don’t you ever wander off like that again, you hear? You scared mommy and Jace real bad!”
She nodded and laid her little head on my chest. “I promise.”
I thanked the staff and left, my head spinning. How was she away from me long enough wander away and be found by someone? It felt like seconds, not minutes that I had realized she was gone.
As we made our way back to our hotel room, Jace put his arm around me, “Don’t beat yourself up. She was probably gone while I was standing in line with you. We just didn’t realize it. If I could tear my eyes away from you every once in a while, I would have seen her wander off.” He had a sad look on his face.
Then I felt even worse, he was blaming himself? No, that wasn’t right. My daughter was ultimately my responsibility, not his. No way he should feel guilty.
“Not your fault, Jace. Not at all.”
We put my now sleeping daughter on one of the queen beds of the room and sat down on the other one.
“I feel this need to protect the both of you, Miranda. I’ve never felt it before. The need, it’s fierce, and it runs very deep, and if something would have happened to her...” he trailed off.
I scooted closer to him and laid my head on his shoulder and grabbed his calloused hand and kissed the back of it. “And that’s why I love you.”
“Maybe we can try coming back here another time, and next time we’ll put a leash on her.”
I gasped. “You are not leashing my daughter like a dog!”
He laughed and stood up, stripping off his sweatshirt, and yanking the T-shirt down he had under it. “I know. I was kidding, geez. So sensitive.”
I threw a pillow at him. “I am not sensitive!”
He laughed and wandered into the bathroom but left the door open. I could hear him washing his hands.
“Maybe we could come back next weekend?” I said.
There was a long pause, and he said, “I’ll be away next weekend, beautiful.”
I said nothing. I didn’t even ask anymore, ‘cause he’d just say it was business. Sigh.