CHAPTER 2

Naked

The sound of someone banging on my door woke me. I whipped the blankets over my head, hoping to muffle the obnoxious noise and block out the disgusting amount of sunlight streaming through the crack between my curtains.

The front door creaked as it opened. I sat up--Sam. He came home. Then I heard the intruder's voice. "Maggie, I know you're here--your car is in its spot."

I threw my body back down and smashed the pillow over my head.

"Are you in here?"

"Go away, Amy," I said, tossing the pillow toward the wall and scrunching the comforter tighter to my body.

The intensity of the sound produced by her footsteps on the carpet indicated she was getting closer to the bed. "I've been worried sick about you. You haven't returned my calls in four days. How long have you been in bed?"

I felt her hand gently try to remove the blanket from my head. I tightened my grip. "Leave."

"Please, take the blanket off your face," she said.

I squeezed my eyes together and clenched my jaw, but my gesture did not stop her from talking.

"You know, Maggie, for one brief second, as I turned the key in the lock, a vision of you sitting, slumped forward on the toilet, blood dripping from both wrists, flashed in front of my eyes."

"Dead and in the ground would be a better place," I replied.

She walked to the window and whipped open the curtains. Even with the blanket covering me, I could feel the light inundating the small room. It pissed me off.

"Since you're breathing, that makes you only partially dead. So, please, get up and get dressed."

"No," I shot back.

She sat down on the edge of the bed and tried to rub my head through the blanket. "I know Sam moved out. His sister called this morning--worried about you. I wish you would have called me. Please, get up and talk to me. At least take a shower. It will make you feel better."

"Go away. I'm never getting out of this bed. What do you care anyway? Spare me the perfect sister-in-law act."

The gentle caressing turned into a hard tugging on my blanket. "Maggie, stop talking like that. You know damn well I love you. You're my sister-in-law and best friend. Please, get out of bed." She stopped pulling at the bedclothes and stood.

"Go away, now. I mean it, leave. I have nothing to say to you."

Her energy shifted, and the sympathy emanating from her switched to frustration. Silence filled the air for an uncomfortable amount of time, before I heard her footsteps landing hard on the carpet.

"Hey, don't be pissed at me. I didn't break up with you. I came to help," she yelled from the hallway.

I flipped the blankets off of my head and shouted back, "I don't want your damn help."

After the door slammed, my sobbing began again.

***

The next day, I walked into the bathroom, stripped off my clothes, and stepped into the shower. Fresh tears formed in my eyes as the hot water ran down my back. I dumped shampoo straight on to the top of my head and sobbed as I clawed it into my scalp. The pain of my nails scraping skin made it easier to face being awake.

One week until the start of midterms. The choice was simple--get to class or fail. When the water scalding my back became unbearable, I stepped out of the shower and stumbled around the bathroom groping for my robe or a towel. Unable to find either, I collapsed, naked and soaking wet, to the floor. Anger still pulsed through my veins, and my head pounded with each heartbeat. I tried to pull my dirty sweat pants over my soaking wet legs, but they kept sticking around my calves. After a few short moments, frustrated, I threw the pants at the wall and curled into a fetal position on the floor. The sensation of the cold tiles on my skin neutralized the heat of my rage.

After a while, I heaved my body off of the floor and walked into the bedroom. It took a hard yank to open the ancient bi-fold closet doors, and a moment to realize they should have remained closed--tightly. The stark emptiness of Sam's side sent shock waves radiating through my body and melted away my small semblance of mental strength. My brain screamed, Sam deserved better than me. I grabbed all the empty hangers and, one-by-one, hurled them at the wall. Sitting on the end of the bed, still naked, my brain mocked me. You always knew he would leave. You didn't really think a guy like Sam would waste his life with someone like you.

The voice spoke the truth. Sam, smart, kind, and beautiful, deserved someone better than me. I crawled back into bed. The dead weight of my body matched the total darkness engulfing my brain.