CHAPTER 26

Daisies for Ella

The funny thing about the Pittsburgh weather was that sometimes on the coldest winter day, the sunshine can be blinding. Amy and I trudged toward Ella's grave, bundled in our heavy coats with sunglasses perched on our noses.

"Did he like the dress?" I asked.

With a sly smile on her face, Amy replied, "He liked the dress."

"Good."

We walked a few more steps in silence. "Amy, what made Mark decide to help me organize this? Why the sudden interest in Ella?"

"Really, Maggie, I don't know. You'll have to ask him."

We reached the grave and Uncle Roy and Aunt Dori followed behind us. My mom and Ed stood at the foot of the plot, and Aunt Mildred leaned against her parent's stone. Aunt Rose stood next to her, softly chastising Mildred for leaning. Her daughter, Barbara, watched the scene, humming softly. Tom and Steph stood back from the grave, hand-in-hand and beaming with happiness. Mark and Uncle Max stood together behind the stone. Amy took her place next to Mark.

Mark spoke first. "We're here today to honor a woman who had the misfortune of being born at the wrong time. As we all know, Ella spent her life institutionalized because during her time, there were no drugs to help her. Aunt Rose has told me many nice things about Ella, especially her artistic abilities. As I look at her new tombstone, I feel bad she never got the chance to share her art with anyone.

"Ella missed out on a lot, especially the sense of being part of a family. She never experienced the happiness of a wedding, births, or even holidays with us because of the disease. Over the last few months, I've spent a lot of time thinking about Ella and mental illness. But most all, I thought a lot about Maggie and how I believed her episodes were just drama. Now that I know the truth, I've wondered, What would our family be like if Maggie wasn't part of it? There would be a gaping hole in all of our lives. It's the same with Ella. We don't notice the hole because we never had the chance to build a relationship with her. But think about it, the gap still exists because she was born to a place in our family, but never got to assume that role. Maybe she would have been the aunt who taught my dad to draw a straight line. Or perhaps, she would have been the aunt who made us happy just by smiling. We'll never know. So today is Ella's day to be appreciated and remembered as a family member, not for her illness."

Mark stopped talking for a moment and looked at me. Then he continued. "And today, we thank God, there is medicine that controls the symptoms. Finally, I am grateful to Maggie for teaching me that sometimes keeping the family peace allows lies and secrets to continue." He turned his head and looked at each of us. "We are a family and it's wrong to hide our issues from one another. We can only support each other when we know the truth."

I smiled at Mark and then turned my head to face the tombstone. "As you all know, I didn't know Ella existed until a year ago. Since then, she has become as alive to me as you all are. This tombstone project began as a form of penance for our family leaving her in the hospital--a token, so to speak, to right a wrong.

"But since the day I started planning for this moment, I've learned a few things. First, the decisions our family made regarding Ella were made out of love. Nobody abandoned her. Unfortunately, she was born during a period when caring for the mentally ill was primitive. Her sisters and brother did the best they could within the constraints of their time. Ella was loved, and I'm sure she realized this.

"For the last year, I've struggled with the terms bipolar and mental illness. When I learned about Ella, fear gripped me. As much as I hate to bring up the subject, Justin's Thanksgiving speech just added fuel to my fear. His words echoed in my mind for months and months. He told me to accept that he and I were born 'defective.' It wasn't until a conversation with Aunt Rose that I started to understand there is a distinction between having a defect and being defective. When I asked Aunt Rose to tell me about Ella, she glowed as she described Ella's drawing and dancing. We were well into the conversation when Ella's illness finally came up. All of us have a defect--bad eyes, hard of hearing, flat feet, nasty temper--you all get my point. But we don't see each other as defective. We see the positive in one another. Aunt Rose loved and appreciated Ella. So did Aunt Mildred and Grandma. Maybe if Ella had my pills, more people would have had the opportunity to know her. But she didn't have my pills, so I plan to honor Aunt Ella, not with a cold, lifeless tombstone, but by living the life she couldn't."

I glanced down at my feet for a brief moment, gathering my composure. Looking up, I watched as Aunt Rose stepped forward and placed the small potted pine tree she had been holding on the grave. Aunt Mildred signaled to Uncle Max to move the wreath that was on the ground next to him onto the grave. I gazed at Mildred as she watched Uncle Max push the steel rods of the wreath into the ground. For the first time in my entire life, I saw tears streaming down Mildred's face. We all stood silently for a few moments. I prayed Ella really did feel loved.

Aunt Mildred moved first. She hooked her right arm through Aunt Rose's, and then she reached her left hand to Uncle Max. The rest of us followed them back to the car.

Amy walked on my left side, and I nudged her. "Did you save dinner yet?"

"Yeah, took care of it while I waited for the babysitter to arrive."

We walked along at a comfortable pace for quite a while. Finally, Amy spoke. "If it's a boy, of course, we're going to name him after your father."

"Amy that's great. If it's a girl?" I asked.

"If it's a girl, her name will be Millie Rose. It honors three people. We hope she has the strength and tenacity of Aunt Mildred; the compassion and kindness of Ella's caregiver, Millicent; and the grace and selfless love of Aunt Rose."

A sense of calmness emanated from Amy, and she beamed with contentment. The day after the Christmas party, she called to tell me the news of the baby thrilled Mark. When she apologized for screwing up the plan, he laughed and told her the plan was stupid because it was created before Kelsey was born. He told Amy that living with a child was wonderful and would be even better with children. Amy said he was praying for twins.

"Millie Rose is a beautiful name, Amy," I replied. "Millie and Kelsey, too cute."

"Our first choice for a girl name was Ella, but the name rightfully belongs to you two."

The moment she finished speaking, Nick wrapped his arms around me and answered for me. "Absolutely."

The End