Chapter Twenty-Two

Corey stormed out and Sarah crumpled into a ball of tears. Her body rattled with the force of the cries ripped from her chest. She’d lost him. She’d known her abortion would break their relationship when she'd found out she was pregnant and her intuition was correct. Just not in the way she’d thought it would happen. She’d sabotaged them all those years ago and when Corey had convinced her to try again, she had faith in his promises that nothing would break them up this time. Sarah had been so desperate to be back with the one person her soul loved more than any other, she’d thrown away logic and intuition that told her that her past actions would always be their demise.

Now Sarah had to pay the price of her selfishness in not telling him all those years ago and not telling him now before they’d both gotten too attached again. Better to have him hate her and spare both of them this pain. It was too little, too late at this point. They would both choke and drown in the sorrow of their failed romance.

A quiet meow sounded as Candle took careful steps into the room and over to Sarah. The cat blinked at Sarah before rubbing her furry head along Sarah’s chin. On a shuddering exhale, Sarah scooped the feline up and cuddled her close. The deep purr and rabbit-soft fur gave warm comfort to Sarah as she stroked the small animal’s head and body. Tears still dripped from her face, but the heaving sobs had subsided for the moment. Sarah realized this was a small reprieve in the storm of emotions.

Support—Sarah needed support. She might not want it at the moment. Being around anyone right now sounded terrible, but she recognized her depression would need an anchor to keep her from crashing too hard. With wobbling, unstable steps, she made her way to the living room where her phone waited on the coffee table. Swiping it open, she sent off an emergency text to Gran and Becca.

Becca’s response came through within moments.

 

Becca: I’m on my way. Bringing Gran with me.

 

A trickle of relief dripped through her and Sarah walked back to the bedroom. She collapsed in the middle of the mattress, closed her eyes and let the grief overtake her once more.

Later, she opened her eyes when Becca and Gran called out to her. Sarah had no idea how much time had passed. Every breath felt like an eternity despite the fact that her family had rushed to get here and couldn’t have taken longer than twenty minutes.

Gran burst into the room, took in Sarah’s prone form curled into a ball and hurried toward Sarah with open arms. “What happened, sweetheart? Whatever it is, it will be okay.” She gathered Sarah into her arms and rocked side to side.

“I think I know what happened.” Becca held up the ultrasound picture with her eyes so wide, the whites showed all the way around. “Are you pregnant?” she whispered.

“Not anymore,” Sarah croaked.

Becca gasped and put a hand over her heart. “Oh, no…”

Gran shook her head. “She didn’t miscarry and the pregnancy isn’t recent. It’s from back when she was in college. Isn’t that right, honey?” All the while, Gran never stopped her soothing of Sarah in some form or fashion, be it gentle swaying, a strong hug or rubbing comforting circles on her back. Sarah sighed and sank deeper into her grandmother’s consoling of her.

“H-how did you know?” Sarah gaped at her grandmother.

Gran’s smile was sad. “I was joint on your credit cards and your health insurance was through me at the time. The statements came in the mail to you, but also here. It’s not as if I thought you and Cornelius weren’t having sex. I remember being young and in love with your grandfather. I never said anything because I was waiting for you to tell me first. It wasn’t my place to question.”

Sarah’s voice was thin and weak. “I…I terminated it when I found out.”

Becca pressed her lips together as a single wrinkle formed between her brows. “Okay?”

“Corey didn’t know. Until this morning.” Sarah swallowed to clear her throat. “He found the picture. I didn’t have the chance to tell him.”

Becca’s expression morphed in a flash. She shifted from concerned to unbelieving in the span of a heartbeat, so fast that Sarah almost convinced herself the concern had been a figment of her imagination. “You didn’t tell Cornelius? Ever? He learned about this today?” Becca shoved a hand through her hair. “Jesus Christ. I can’t believe this. How could you not tell him?”

“Easy there. No one is blaming anyone for past choices.” Gran held up a palm to keep Becca from exploding. “We’re going to support Sarah through all of this.” She hugged Sarah once more, then leaned back. “Why don’t you tell us what happened?”

Sarah sniffled and closed her eyes in misery. Becca had every right to be irate with her. She was pissed at herself. She’d lied and hidden information from the love of her life and now everything had blown up in her face. “I got pregnant by accident sophomore year of college. Corey and I were always careful, but nothing is foolproof. I-I-I didn’t know what to do. I was twenty years old and scared out of my mind. How could I become a mother? It would destroy all of my plans, and Corey’s, too. He’d want to get married, but we were still just kids. Becoming parents seemed insane. So I got an abortion. And I never told anyone. Instead, I broke up with Corey, knowing this would rip us apart if he found out. He deserved someone better than me. I was selfish.”

Gran scoffed. “That’s not true—”

“It feels true. I’ve not once regretted my choice. It was the right thing to do. I stand by my decision. That doesn’t change that my reasoning was all about how this would impact my life and my goals. Corey’s too, and I chose for him. I didn’t have enough faith in us that he wouldn’t insist on getting married and having a baby. I should have trusted him. Now it’s too late. He found the picture and when I told him, he blew up. I can’t blame him, either. W-we’re through. He broke things off and stormed out.”

Sarah dissolved into a mess of snotty bawling again. Gran held her close and Becca joined them. She wrapped her arms around the two women and they all waited for Sarah to ride out this wave of pain. As she regained hold of her emotions again, Sarah sniffled. “Thank you both. For being here for me.”

“We’re always here for you.” Becca squeezed Sarah tight. “You and Bridge are my sisters, even if we’re technically cousins.”

Gran nodded. “I would never abandon any of my grandchildren.” She pulled Sarah to standing. “Why don’t you go take a shower? It’ll help you feel better. Becca and I will go make something to eat. This is hard, but you and Cornelius will get through it. Wait and see.”

Sarah shook her head, but didn’t argue. Fighting with Gran was a lost cause and wouldn’t fix anything anyway. Instead she did as she was told and took a shower. Her heart bled like it had been shredded into ribbons and every muscle ached like a giant bruise. Each breath ushered a new wave of pain and Sarah saw no way out. Breaking up when they were in college had been crippling, but this time it was catastrophic. She hadn’t anticipated this level of anguish and heartbreak. There didn’t seem to be a way to right things with Corey. She hadn’t trusted him and she couldn’t blame him for feeling betrayed. She couldn’t undo the wrongs of her past, all she could do was try to ease his suffering as much as she was able. The phone call from this morning swam through her head. Maybe giving as much as space as she could would be best for both of them. She’d never get over Corey, but distance helped her focus on outside things. It might give Corey the opportunity to find someone worthy of him.

 

* * * *

 

Rage pulsed through Cornelius as he slammed his ax through the log standing upright. It split with a loud crack and the two pieces fell to the sides. He grunted and stacked another to be divided in half. He’d been chopping wood for two hours out by the office and despite his muscles screaming in protest, the emotional storm inside him rampaged on.

How could Sarah not have told him she was pregnant? Why hadn’t she trusted him? She had put herself through hell going through everything on her own, then had sacrificed their love out of some misplaced sense of honor? Sure, he could follow the logic she used—with the exception of why she’d jumped to that plan in the first place.

He’d hoped working out might help him understand, yet reason still eluded him. Either way, she’d made her choices for herself and him, and now their relationship was on the rocks all over again.

“Dammit,” he shouted and tossed the ax to the ground. Exhaustion flooded his bones and he stumbled back onto a bench. He dropped his head into his hands and shoved his fingers into his hair. How were they supposed to work this out? Move forward together? His heart was bruised and his ego was battered. Her lack of trust slew him to the core. Cornelius needed time to sort out his feelings and find his path back to Sarah. Deep in his chest, he couldn’t shake the innate certainty that he and Sarah were meant to be.

That said, forgiveness wouldn’t come today, or even tomorrow. Letting go of this lie by omission would take time—time to cool down, to understand her thought process and come to terms with it all. His heart keened inside him, crying out to go back to Sarah. He knew she was crushed and hurting, too. It tore at him to know she was in pain, but so was he. If he wanted to help soothe her suffering, he had to fix his own.

A faded blue truck drove up and parked in the dirt lot off to the side of the building. His friend and Sarah’s cousin climbed out. Hop raised a hand in greeting.

With a single nod, Cornelius acknowledged his presence. “Hop. What brings you by?” Still sweating and out of breath, Cornelius watched his friend to see how he would react. Should Cornelius brace himself for getting punched or chewed out?

Hop ambled over. “I talked to my sister. Figured since you weren’t at your house, you’d be here. I’m sorry as hell about what happened between you and Sarah. That’s a tough blow to take.”

“Yeah. I can’t say I ever saw that coming. She hid everything well.” Cornelius jerked his head in the direction of the door. “Let’s go inside.” He opened the office and grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge. Handing one over, Cornelius chugged half of the other one down before dropping into his office chair. Hop took up the one across from Cornelius’ desk.

“So what now?”

Cornelius shook his head. “Hell if I know. Shit, I can’t believe she was pregnant, that she went through all of that turmoil alone. It kills me that she didn’t have faith in me to support her in whatever decision she made.”

For a long minute, his friend sat quiet and brooding. “I can’t claim to have any clue what Sarah’s motivations were or why she didn’t tell you, but I do understand feeling like you just have yourself to rely on. Fear causes reactions that seem bizarre or wrong in retrospect, but in the moment, whatever choice you make strikes you as the single option available. Hindsight is a gift and a curse. And not everyone is given it.” Hop drank from his water. “What do you say we go somewhere we can find something stronger to drink?”

“God, yes,” Cornelius agreed. The physical activity he’d done had helped with muscle exhaustion, but his mind was still too active. “A drink or several is what I need tonight. No more thinking.”

A few hours later, Hop dropped a drunk Cornelius off at his home. Cornelius stumbled inside and collapsed face first into his bed. The smell of peonies from the nights of Sarah sleeping next to him filled his nose and a pained grunt escaped his chest. Fuck. Why did our relationship have to get ruined?

 

* * * *

 

In the morning, he dragged himself out of bed, wincing and cursing his overindulgence the night before. His head pounded as his stomach churned with threats to make him kneel at his toilet to atone for his actions. Grimacing as each step he took hurt, Cornelius managed to check on his pets, get himself showered and dressed before hauling off to the office where his crew expected him. Fighting the urge to vomit, he divvied up groups for the week’s clearing sites before falling into his desk chair. Wallowing in misery, he tossed back a couple of painkillers along with an entire bottle of water. Getting rehydrated was his lone goal of the day.

Around lunchtime, his phone rang and Cornelius sprang into action. He fumbled his phone, but managed to see that his mother was calling—not Sarah. He hadn’t given her a reason to call. Only reasons to not.

Swiping to answer, he closed his eyes and mumbled, “Hey, Mom.”

“Cornelius? What’s wrong? Why do you sound like you’ve been hit by a truck?”

Don’t I wish.

“Sarah and I…” He pulled at the ends of his hair. “I don’t know what. We broke up? Sort of.”

“How do you ‘sort of’ break up?”

“She lied to me. The reason she dumped me the first time was because she was pregnant.”

His mother’s gasp filled the line.

“She ended it. The pregnancy, I mean.”

“Oh, my.” His mother’s voice was soft and pained. “I can’t imagine how hard that was. And to go through it alone? So heartbreaking. That poor girl.”

Poor girl? What about him?

Incensed, he shoved his glasses into place on his nose and huffed. “What about me? She didn’t have any faith in me at all. Zero trust after being there for her for years.”

“Cornelius,” his mother said in her gentle mama-is-about-to-school-you voice. “She was twenty years old. You were in Fallbank and she was in Seattle. It wasn’t a lack of trust. She was isolated and afraid. She was looking out for your future and hers. Not to mention the guilt and self-loathing that must have been burning inside her to have her break things off with you.”

Exasperation choked him. “She could have talked to me about this.”

“Did you two ever talk about children? Before this happened?”

“Sure, in abstract. Not like we planned to have them anytime soon back then. We had other priorities.”

“Had you discussed pregnancy scares before? What would happen if she did wind up pregnant before you were both ready?”

A memory he’d tucked so far away that he’d forgotten it existed surfaced in his mind… Being seventeen and starting their senior year of high school. Sarah had missed her period and come crying to him. He’d assured her she wouldn’t be a single mother. He’d marry her and make things right. That they were going to end up in that place anyway, so what if they got there faster than expected? Luckily it was a false alarm.

His air left his lungs in a shaky whoosh. He didn’t need to say anything. His mother could hear the unsaid words over the silence on the line.

“Mmhmm. So how would you react if you had your entire future dangling on the edge? And jump to the conclusion that you wouldn’t be upset by her decision? You know she loves you. She didn’t want you to hate her, so she let you go.”

“But I wouldn’t have hated her and she should have known that.” His voice was as weak as his argument.

“Fear is a terrible motivator. The real questions are, will you let her past actions that can’t be changed dictate your future with Sarah? Is this forgivable? Is there enough love between you two to move past this and build back your foundation stronger than it was?”

Like the petulant child he was, Cornelius pouted at her words. “I’m thirty-one years old. I hate it when you’re all logical and right, Mama.”

She laughed and the sound eased the ache in his soul. “I’ll always be your mother. And here for you no matter what. Now, go talk things out with that sweet girl.”

Cornelius hung up with his mom and worked on his plan to fix the fight with Sarah.