Lying is like everything else. Practice every day, and you get better.
Sam tells her mom that she and Corey are friends again. She says that’s where she is on weekends, and she swears she never drives anywhere with Declan. In fact, he drives her to his place, and then she takes the bus home from Salem. That way her mom can’t catch her.
She is careful, and Declan is even more careful than she is—so careful that a lot of times he won’t even see her. He has a whole complicated life with roommates and part-time jobs and college classes and weekend bouldering trips. He is always rushing, and she’s always waiting.
Then when they’re together, she forgets how hard it was to wait. When they are alone, he can’t stop touching her. His hands caress her, and he lifts her up to look at her. You are beautiful, he whispers, almost reluctantly. You are amazing, he says, as if he wishes that it weren’t true.
As careful as he is, as distant as he becomes away from her, when they finally meet, he wants her more and more. They hide out at his place for hours; they spend entire afternoons, and Sam tells her mom that she was with Corey studying.
“Yeah, right,” Sam’s mom says, because she knows studying is the last thing Sam and Corey would do. Studying with Corey is the kind of lie Courtney can handle.
Sam’s mom is working. Her brother is off skating, trying to outscore all the other sixth graders. Her dad leaves her a voicemail. Hey, monkey, I was just thinking about you.
But she is not thinking about him. She does not wonder why he’s back or where he’s living, because she is gone now. She is somewhere else at home, and on the bus and on the street, and in biology at school. Finally, she has learned to disappear.
In math she tucks her feet under her chair and feels a warmth, a hidden glow. It’s in her pockets, and in the lining of her coat, and in her boots, and all inside her clothes, against her skin.
For days after she sees Declan, she walks collar up, hands in pockets, to keep her secret in. Then another day passes, and another, and she can’t talk to him or feel his breath, and loneliness creeps up on her. She feels the ice, and her mom’s words haunt her. He is not your friend.
“What will happen?” she whispers when they are together.
“Sh.” He is kissing her, muffling her words.
They are so quiet. They will never give themselves away. They are an island, and when they are together, nothing worries them. Only rarely does she get scared or sad. It happens at odd times—for example, watching Noah at the hockey rink, or hearing her mom come home exhausted, with the groceries. Then all the warmth and light inside her dims.
Her mom says, “Could you at least put these away?”
And Sam feels the chill of the refrigerator and the milk, and she knows how it will be. Declan’s roommates will walk in on them. Her mom will find out and she will tell the gym and he will lose his job and Sam will be the reason.
He already snaps at her, even though she only wants to talk to him. She says, “Can’t I call you?” But it’s impossible. He will not answer.
She wants to know him. She wants to ask, What did you do today? Where did you go? She wants him to look at her like he did that time and say what he is really thinking. But when she speaks, he pulls away, and she is afraid of that. So she is quiet, alert, fearful—and at the same time, she knows he has been waiting for her too. They are both under a spell.
Nothing is dangerous.
Nothing is wrong.
Nothing is right.
There is no limit to what they’ll do.
There is no end.
She dreams she is asleep with him.
Then outside, the cold air slaps her face. Saturday morning, the wind whips her hair into her mouth as she walks from the bus stop to the gym. It’s early, but she senses that he’s in the building. She hears his voice and follows the sound down the hall to where the staff have offices and locker rooms, and she finds him there, in the cold passageway with Toby.
Toby has her hands on Declan’s shoulders. Her cropped shirt is riding up, and his hands span her bare waist.
Sam is staring, and Toby stops flirting for just a second, but not really, because why would she? She would never think of Sam and Declan.
When Declan sees Sam, he is not embarrassed. He pulls Toby closer; he’s got his arm around her now and Toby looks just right with him. She is small, but strong, a coach, a climber. They both teach annoying girls. They laugh together all the time. Sam can tell. They kiss and laugh and take off their clothes.
“Hey, back in the gym,” Declan tells Sam.
She searches his face, but his eyes are hard, not even a glimpse of recognition. You do have a girlfriend, she tells him silently. You have Toby. You have lots of people.
He is getting angry. He doesn’t even want her looking at him.
You lied to me, she’s thinking, because she can’t ever talk to him.
He sees she isn’t moving, so he takes Toby’s hand and they brush past her, instead.
You were never here, she tells herself, just as he once told her. But there she is, standing in the cement block hallway at the gym. There she is with her bag and her climbing shoes. Practice is starting, and she stands there alone.