CHAPTER TEN

“TACO BELL?” AVEDA said, her voice twisting upward in skepticism. “This is the Morgan tradition? The ‘best cuisine around’?”

“Oh, yeah,” Pippa said, bouncing up and down in her seat. “This is the jam.”

Aveda glanced over at me as Tess piloted the car down a near empty Oakland street, the lit-up neon Taco Bell sign in the distance. A long line of cars snaked out of the drive-thru—prime late-night munchies time.

Aveda and I were jammed in the backseat with Shelby, who was staring sulkily out the window. I had somehow ended up squashed in the middle seat. Pippa had called shotgun.

Aveda and I hadn’t been able to speak alone since getting swept into this impulsive fast food adventure, so we were relying on our best-friend near-telepathy to communicate. Her face was still flushed, and I was still feeling a little . . . hmm, what was I feeling? Not exactly foggy, like before. Maybe it was a euphoric sugar high from the punch? No, that wasn’t quite right either, it was more like my mind felt . . . loose. Relaxed. Very unlike its usual state, especially lately.

I couldn’t believe after all that, we’d just run into Tess in the stairwell. Now we had an opportunity to talk to them about their ghostly encounter.

After we’d eaten our Taco Bell, of course.

“So, Tess,” Aveda said, as we pulled to the end of the long drive-thru line, “why didn’t you go to the party? It was a really kicking time.”

I smothered a giggle. Where had she gotten that from?

“I wasn’t feeling well,” Tess said, edging the car forward. “I dunno what I had, maybe a touch of food poisoning? Anyway, I started feeling better about an hour ago, and I was actually about to go grab food when I ran into you guys.”

“How lucky,” Aveda murmured, giving me a meaningful look.

I nudged her in the ribs, cocking an eyebrow in a way that I hoped said: Tone it down, fellow kid.

“Now,” Aveda said, turning her laser-like focus back to the neon sign. “What do you all recommend? I’ve never eaten here.”

“Really?” Pippa whirled around to goggle at her. “How is that possible?”

“Angelica’s a very healthy person, eats a balanced diet,” I said, giving Aveda an affectionate look. “Fast food isn’t usually on her radar.”

“That is a tragedy,” Pippa said, her eyes widening. “Oh, man. Your mind is about to be so blown.”

“Follow Pippa’s lead,” Shelby said, turning away from the window. “She’s the best Taco Bell orderer around.”

“A title I take very seriously,” Pippa said, jabbing an index finger through the air.

Shelby shook her head and let out a little chuckle. I studied her for a moment. She seemed more clear-eyed than she had earlier, recapturing some of that unnerving stillness. And that was maybe the first time I’d seen her laugh, ever. Despite her general morose state, she truly loved her friend. But there was something about her I couldn’t quite get a handle on. In some ways, I related to her very much—the quietness, the playing second fiddle to a more dramatic BFF. She was kind of like Mouse Evie, sinking into the shadows. Maybe she was comfortable there? I had thought I was comfortable there—but I’d been hiding.

“Hey,” I murmured to Shelby. The others were busy loudly discussing the Taco Bell menu as we inched forward in the drive-thru, so they didn’t hear me. “You okay?”

“What?” She looked up at me, startled out of her thoughts. “Um, yeah. Totally.”

I gave her a gentle nudge. “Really? You look like you’re thinking very hard about something.”

“I . . .” She frowned, toying with the ends of her shaggy hair. “I’m a little worried about Pips. She confessed her love to Natalie, then they made out, then Natalie disappeared. I think she went off with someone else. And Pips didn’t even blink, ya know? I know this is bothering her deep down, and . . . and I really should be in bed at this point if I want to get up for crew tomorrow, but I can’t just, like, leave her.”

I smiled, touched by Shelby’s genuine caring. “That’s incredibly kind of you, to want to look out for her like that. But don’t forget to look out for yourself, too—you can’t be a good friend to someone else if you’re constantly sacrificing your own needs for what you think they need. Trust me, I know.”

Shelby’s eyes slid to Aveda, who was currently peppering Pippa and Tess with a boatload of questions about the flavor profile of the Crunchwrap Supreme.

“How do you not just, like . . . worry all the time. About the people you love?” she asked, her eyes widening earnestly.

“You know, I think that worry is inevitable—it’s just part of being human,” I said with a slight chuckle. “Just know that they’re worried about you, too. We’re basically passing worry back and forth at any given moment. Ugh, sorry.” I made a face. “That’s not super comforting, is it?”

“No, no, it is,” Shelby said, her face screwing into a thoughtful expression. “I’m just wondering how I can draw that boundary for myself and not feel like a total jerk.”

“You’re not a jerk,” I said, squeezing her shoulder. “And it can be hard to advocate for yourself—to have compassion for yourself. Just remember that you’re important. There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you need and asking for it. And Pippa seems to care deeply about your well-being too, so if you explain that sometimes you just need to go the fuck to bed and it doesn’t mean you care any less for her . . . well, she should understand.”

“I didn’t think of it like that,” Shelby said, nodding slowly. She gave me a small smile. “Thanks, Eliza.”

“Any time,” I said, smiling back.

“What are you guys whispering about back there?” Pippa screeched, whirling around in her seat. “Oh, hey!” Her eyes got big as a plinky piano wafted over the radio. “Angelica, Eliza: it’s your song! From karaoke!”

“Ah, good ol’ ‘Eternal Flame’!” Aveda exclaimed, elbowing me in the ribs.

“Yessssss,” Pippa yelled, pumping her fist. Her bangles jingled in time with the music. “Come on, let’s all sing!” She reached over and turned the radio way up, the music blasting so loud, the car windows seemed to rattle. “Everyone!”

“I don’t know the words!” Tess protested.

“Make ’em up!” Pippa insisted. She reached around her seat to swat Shelby’s knee. “Come on, Shel! Eliza, Angelica: lead us! Teach us the lyrics!”

I exchanged a look with Aveda—and we started to sing.

They all joined in, Tess tapping in time on their steering wheel. Our voices were loud, not at all harmonious, and definitely making up lyrics that were not entirely correct. But somehow we sounded very together. A unit.

“Yessss!” Pippa shrieked, rolling down the window and sticking her head out. “Let’s see if we can get people in this long-ass drive-thru line to join in!”

We all sang at the top of our lungs, exhilaration racing through my bloodstream even as most of the other car passengers yelled back at us to shut up.

I turned to look past Aveda and out the window, studying the neon lights flashing a garish rainbow of colors against the orderly line of drive-thru cars. And I felt an overwhelming surge of warmth.

I’d been to this Taco Bell before. I used to occasionally stop by to grab a blessedly cheap dinner for Bea and me on my way home from school. But I’d never been on a late-night snack run like this, crammed into a car with a bunch of classmates, singing our hearts out. I’d never felt that easy camaraderie or been part of a very serious discussion about gorditas vs. chalupas. And I’d never had that actual carefree feeling Aveda kept referencing—wherein, just for a moment, that sort of inconsequential discussion could be the most important thing in the world.

It was . . . nice.

“Ooh,” Pippa said, her eyes widening with delight as the song died down and we finally reached the drive-thru. “I’ll have three chalupas, a Mexican pizza, one of those tacos with the Doritos shell, a beefy five-layer burrito with extra nacho cheese—”

“You want all that?” Aveda said, shooting forward in her seat. “Right before bed?”

“Didn’t you hear what Shel said earlier?” Pippa sniffed, waving a regal hand. “I’m the best Taco Bell orderer around.”

“Point,” Aveda said, nodding thoughtfully. She tapped Tess on the shoulder. “I’ll have what she’s having.”

---

“My god,” Aveda exclaimed, staring down the barrel of her second beefy five-layer burrito. “How is this so revolting and so delicious at the same time? And why can’t I stop eating it?”

“Truly the food of kings,” I chuckled.

“And queens,” Pippa said, snapping her fingers. “And it pairs perfectly with this yummy punch.”

We’d taken our food to the big Mara Dash common area, a sprawling, drafty room just past the foyer that exemplified the dorm’s creepy Gothic vibe. The floor was cold tile in a forbidding gray—it looked like it had been repurposed from a particularly gloomy cathedral. The couches and loveseats were deep purple velvet, stiff and not very comfortable. And the centerpiece was a massive fireplace, which should have been cozy—but it was covered in cobwebs and dust, clearly never used. A single candelabra was perched on top of the fireplace, trying to poke its way out of the cobwebs. The atmosphere was cold and forbidding, like we’d just stepped into a scene from Wuthering Heights. But something about our little group, loud and chatty and snacking on the junkiest junk food, warmed it up.

“Look at us,” Pippa beamed, gesturing with her burrito. “We’ve got a total ride-or-die crew right here.”

Pippa had taken it upon herself to procure more of the punch from the dorm party—I’d requested the non-alcoholic version—and she’d also brought up a weird bit of decoration from her and Shelby’s room. It was . . . well, sort of a throw pillow, I guess? A round, fuzzy sphere about the size of a soccer ball in a shade of sickly puce that looked like it had seen better days. Pippa enthusiastically explained that it was called “Carpet Ball” and that she and Shelby had found it at a thrift store right after they became roommates.

“Carpet Ball is also in our ride-or-die crew,” she explained, patting the ball lovingly.

We’d spread ourselves out over the purple couches, and I was amused to see everyone had taken up a position that was very them. Pippa had plopped herself in the middle of the central couch and was cramming food into her mouth with gusto. Shelby had squashed herself into the corner of the same couch and was nibbling more conservatively as she stared into space, lost in thought. Occasionally she’d give Carpet Ball a squeeze, as if it was comforting her.

Aveda and I had taken the adjacent love seat and set up a little hot sauce trough between us. Of course Aveda looked completely unnatural eating a Taco Bell burrito, but she bit into it with single-minded intent, like she was trying to best it at something.

And Tess . . . well, I didn’t know Tess at all yet. But they’d plopped into a giant chair that matched the rest of the furniture and ate slowly, probably trying not to provoke their previously food-poisoned stomach.

“So, Tess,” I said, trying for a warm, conversational tone. “What are you studying—are you in Professor Covington’s discussion seminar with Shelby and Pippa? I’m the new TA and we had a very spirited talk today.”

“Oh, you’re that TA,” Tess said, tilting their head at me. “Yeah, I heard all about that discussion. And I’m sorry I missed it, because Covington’s the worst. Thankfully, I’m not in any of his classes.”

“Ah, so his rep’s that bad, huh?” Pippa said, cocking an eyebrow. “You’re not in his classes, but you’ve still heard of him.”

“I have a friend who was in some of his classes,” Tess said. “She told me all about his condescending ass.”

“Wait, was in his classes,” Aveda said, sitting up straighter. “Did your friend drop them because he’s so bad?”

“Um, no,” Tess said, suddenly looking uncomfortable. “She . . . she left, actually.”

“Wait a minute,” I said, pieces clicking together in my brain. “Was your friend Julie Vũ?” I looked at Pippa. “I thought you said she didn’t have any friends.”

“I thought she didn’t,” Pippa said, with an expansive shrug.

“I’ve been trying to check up on Julie since she left,” I said, turning back to Tess. “I know it’s only been a couple days, but I’d really love to get in touch with her. Provost Glennon told me she’s staying with family?”

“Not sure about that,” Tess said, their brow crinkling. They seemed to be getting more guarded by the minute. “Julie’s only family is her younger sister—and actually, I haven’t been able to get in touch with her at all. I’ve been worried. But . . . but let’s not talk about that!” They pasted on a smile that didn’t quite reach their eyes. “To answer your original question, Eliza, I’m a Bio major.”

“Ahhh,” Aveda said, picking up the conversational in I’d so nicely set up for her. “That’s my department—I’m the new TA there!”

“Cool!” Tess said, toasting Aveda with a cheese-covered fry.

I studied them. What had just happened? My brain was still bouncing around in that euphoric, loosey-goosey way and I couldn’t quite get a handle on it. Why was Tess being all weird and evasive about Julie? And why had they been so eager to change the subject?

These were all things I had to file away for later. For now, we had to focus on keeping Tess talking.

“What’s your opinion on Doctor Hyon’s latest theory on mitosis?” Tess continued, tilting their head at Aveda curiously. “Because I have to say, it’s provoked a lot of controversy in class—”

“Oh, it’s good,” Aveda said, flashing Tess one of her million-watt Aveda Jupiter smiles. “Very, very good. But listen, I’m really hoping to get to know all the students on a one-on-one level. So tell me more about yourself. Like, what’s the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to you here at Morgan?”

“Oh, um.” Tess popped the cheesy fry in their mouth, their eyes narrowing thoughtfully. “Probably the time I was doing my work-study job at the dining hall and I accidentally dumped a thing of green food coloring into the mixer. It turned all the rolls bright green.” They pushed their glasses up their nose, looking sheepish.

“Ah,” Aveda said, a puzzled look passing over her face. “That is . . . very weird. For sure. Green bread!”

“Hey, I remember that,” Pippa said, grinning at Tess. “Personally, I thought those rolls were dope—a much needed pop of color against a sea of beige dining hall food. But Shel here didn’t like it much. She thought the rolls looked ‘sick.’ And not in a good way.”

“Pips!” Shelby hissed, her face flushing. “Why are you telling them that, it makes me sound totally weird. Ughhhh . . .” She scrubbed a hand over her face.

“Hmm.” Pippa frowned. “Sorry, Shel, that’s so odd—I wasn’t planning on saying that out loud, I’m not sure why I did . . .”

“And I was actually thinking I’d take that green bread story to my grave,” Tess said, looking contemplative. “The dining hall boss lady is kind of a hardass, so I pretended I had no idea why the bread turned out that way. Not sure why I spewed it just now.”

“Eliza and I have that effect on people,” Aveda said, smiling beatifically. “Somehow, we always get them to open up.”

“Um, yeah,” I said, stifling an eye-roll. “But say, Tess—I think when Angelica asked you about weird stuff happening . . . well, she was wondering if you’d encountered any of Morgan’s famous oddities. You know . . .” I lowered my voice theatrically. I was still feeling weirdly loose and uninhibited, and just a little bit giggly. “. . . the hauntings.”

“Oh, I, uh . . .” Tess’s gaze slid to the side as they toyed with another cheesy fry. Suddenly, their guard was up again. “N-no. Not really.”

“Are you sure?” I said, giving them an encouraging smile. “No weird sounds in the dining hall? Unexplained noises? Nothing like that?”

“I . . .” Tess shook their head vigorously. “No. I don’t think so. I mean . . . I thought there was something, but some, um, friends helped me see that it was nothing.”

“Those friends sound rather gaslighting,” Aveda said, her eyes narrowing. “What did they help you see, exactly?”

“It’s nothing like that,” Tess said, a little too quickly. They dropped the cheesy fry on their napkin, uneaten. “They’re experts on ghosts and hauntings, and . . . well. I think I just wanted something like that to happen to me so bad, I imagined it.”

“Wait a minute!” Pippa sat up straighter, waving the remnants of her burrito around, her bangles clinking together. “Tess, are you in Morgan’s super secret ghost-hunting society?”

Aveda and I exchanged a look. Was this the possible secret society Bea had mentioned?

Pippa smacked Shelby in the arm. “See, I told you that was a thing! You have to go talk to them about your encounter, Shel!”

“Hey,” Shelby hissed, grabbing Carpet Ball and clutching it to her chest. “Seriously, Pips, what’s with the blabbing of all my secrets?”

“What encounter is she talking about, Shelby?” Tess said, leaning forward—their expression had turned intense, but they were obviously trying to hide just how important this was. “Oh my god, was that you who had the run-in with the courtyard ghost? I . . . wow. I really need to talk you about that, actually. I . . .” They pressed their lips together, like they were desperately trying to keep it all inside. “You should come to a society meeting . . . aw, shit . . .” Tess gnawed on their lower lip, their eyes getting big behind their glasses. “The society is a secret, you’re right. Please, please don’t tell anyone I blabbed about it. God.” They shook their head, frowning. “I don’t know why I said all that out loud. But anyway, yeah—I can get you an invite to a meeting. Count on it.”

“Do you suppose Angelica and I could get invited also?” I said, leaning forward so eagerly I nearly toppled our hot sauce trough.

Aveda shot me a surprised look. Usually she was the one who pushed boundaries, who made the more aggressive moves. I was the one who reeled her back in. But I was still feeling that weirdly euphoric sensation—as if I couldn’t keep any of my immediate thoughts contained in my head. They were all demanding to be let out now. “We’re really into ghosts and other supernatural phenomena,” I added. “And we’ve been hearing tell of this ghost society, soooo . . . ?” I gave Tess a hopeful look.

“I’m not sure,” Tess said hesitantly. They looked guarded again. “We’re only supposed to do one invite at a time, and I need to have a really good reason—”

“I want her to come,” Shelby blurted out. We all turned to look at her. Her eyes immediately went to the floor and she toyed with the ends of her hair. “I want Eliza to come,” she repeated more firmly. “If the society wants me to talk about my, um, encounter, she has to be there too.”

“And where Eliza goes, I go,” Aveda said, straightening her spine. “We’re a package deal.”

Tess looked back and forth between us, considering. Then they gave a small shrug and picked up their cheesy fry again. “I’ll see what I can do.” But it didn’t sound like they meant it. I studied them for a moment—their mood seemed to be pinging all over the place.

A slightly awkward silence descended over us, everyone chewing their food.

Pippa, of course, was the one to break it.

“Ooooh!” she said, clapping her hands together. “I know how y’all can build real trust with each other. You two . . .” She gestured expansively to Aveda and me. “. . . need to share a secret. Tess told you about their green bread. Shelby told Eliza about her ghostly encounter . . .”

“And then you blurted it out to everyone else,” Shelby muttered.

“So now you guys tell us something,” Pippa continued, her eyes flashing with excitement. “Something secret. Then Tess will know they can trust you.”

“That makes no sense,” Aveda said.

“Actually, I like it,” Tess said, some of their intensity dissipating. They leaned back in their seat, crossed their arms over their chest, and raised an eyebrow. “Wow me.”

“Ummm . . .” I exchanged glances with Aveda. Our biggest secret was obviously something we couldn’t tell them. So why was it on the tip of my tongue, why was it fighting to get out, why did I suddenly feel like I was about to straight up die if I didn’t tell them we weren’t who we were claiming to be—

“Eliza’s having love problems!” Aveda blurted out. Then clapped her hand over her mouth. “Oops. Sorry. I don’t know why I . . .” She shook her head, her cheeks flushing.

“Big deal, who isn’t?” Pippa rolled her eyes. “That’s not juicy at all.”

“Agreed,” Tess said. “I am decidedly not wowed.”

“He won’t have sex with her!” Aveda blurted again.

I glared daggers at her. “Angelica . . . what are you . . .”

“Better!” Pippa crowed, leaning forward. “Tell us more, Eliza. What’s happening exactly? Don’t skimp on the details!”

“I . . . god.” I scraped a hand over my face. Was this really happening? Had Aveda just offered up my sex life to near strangers for consumption and judgment? I could have just refused to say anything . . . but suddenly the words were bubbling up on my tongue, pounding against my brain, dying to escape. “I love this man,” I blurted, dropping my hand from my face. “My, um, boyfriend. I love him so much, it overwhelms me sometimes. But he’s pulling away, he’s so distant. When I look at him, all I see is him being worried about me—”

“Why is he worried about you?” Pippa said, cocking her head to the side. “Seems like you’re killin’ it.”

“Um, it’s just . . . you know, the new school and everything, the fact that I just transferred in,” I said, stuffing down the truth that was lingering on the tip of my tongue. “I hate that I’m causing him to worry like that, I just . . . I hate it. But I don’t know how to stop it. And I’m so fucking horny right now, if he doesn’t touch me soon, I might explode. And that feels so silly. So inconsequential. But it’s how I feel, and I can’t . . .” My voice wobbled and unexpected tears filled my eyes. I swallowed hard. “I can’t stop it. I don’t know what to do. I just . . . I love him. He feels so far away, even when he’s sitting next to me. And I miss him so much right now.” A tear slipped down my cheek and I hastily scraped it away. “Sorry.”

“Why sorry?” Pippa scoffed, shaking her head. “Your feelings are your feelings. They have value.”

“And high levels of horniness is a serious issue,” Tess added, nodding sagely. “Not to mention that as overworked students, a lot of us have major stress relief needs. My vibrator collection always gets a serious workout during finals week.”

“Eliza,” Shelby said softly, sitting up a little straighter. “Remember what you said to me in the car? About how having compassion for yourself is hard but necessary? I think maybe you need some of that, too.” She gave me a small, earnest smile—I was starting to realize that on her, that was a big emotional gesture.

I smiled back, brushing away my tears. Then I studied each of them in turn, all of them looking at me openly, their smiles bright and generous. We barely knew each other, but they all cared so much. It made me feel warm all over.

“Caring about yourself is hard,” Pippa said, whipping out her phone. “Especially when society—and d-bag professors—try to tell us we’re not worth caring about, period. But what if we try to solve the . . . hmm, let’s call it the first layer of this problem. Is there a way you can seduce your man, Eliza? Get him to forget all that worry with, like, nudity.”

“I’ve tried,” I said, leaning back against the couch with a whump. “Believe me, I’ve tried everything.”

“Have you, though?” Pippa sang out, waving her phone in the air. “Have you tried . . .” She whipped her phone around. “. . . these?”

“Hold on, we can’t see the screen from here,” Aveda said, getting to her feet and crossing to Pippa’s couch. She took the phone from Pippa and brought it back to me, her eyes widening as she studied the screen. “Um. I don’t know if Eliza’s going to be into . . .”

“Let me see,” I said, grabbing the phone from her. “Oh . . .”

My face flushed. The screen displayed an assortment of Halloween costumes. Sexy Halloween costumes. There was Sexy Nurse, Sexy Clown, Sexy Construction Worker . . .

“Wow,” Aveda said, leaning over my shoulder. “Sexy SpongeBob SquarePants? How is that a thing?”

“Do you have a fantasy?” Pippa said, her eyes narrowing shrewdly. “Or does he? Not so much Sexy SpongeBob SquarePants—although maybe we could all do that as a group costume for the Halloween Courtyard Bash. But maybe you could do a little roleplay or something? Mix it up.”

“Plus one to that,” Tess said, swooping an index finger through the air. “Make it fun. Right now, it sounds like you’re approaching it like it’s homework or something. Bring the fun back!”

I studied the “sexy” images, gnawing on my lower lip. Would something like this do it? Would it get Nate to forget his worries for a bit?

“What do you think, Shelby?” I said, turning to look at her. She’d gone quiet, hugging Carpet Ball to her chest. I wondered if it was hard for her to find her footing in conversations with so many big personalities—I knew that had sometimes been an issue for me. Maybe I could help her better draw those healthy boundaries if she felt included, more secure in her friendships.

Her head snapped up in surprise. “Oh, I . . . I mean fun sounds good.” She gave me a tentative smile, hugging Carpet Ball a little tighter. “Maybe you could surprise him with something? Get him to drop his guard?”

“A sexy surprise,” I said, smiling ruefully as I remembered my mistake from the day before. “Sure, why not? I’ve tried everything else.”

“I know Eliza’s fantasy,” Aveda said with a sly grin. She swiped the phone from me. “I’m gonna order you something—with your consent of course.” Her finger hovered above the phone screen and she cocked a questioning eyebrow at me.

“Go for it,” I said, giving a little fist-pump, that loopy exhilaration rushing through me again.

“Yeeeeahhh!” Pippa said, echoing my fist-pump. “Mark my words, Eliza, you are gonna get that D!”

“Do it!” Tess shrieked, jumping off the couch and upending the rest of their cheesy nacho fries.

“Do! It!” Pippa yelled, leaping up to join them. “Everybody, come on, ride-or-die crew! Do! It! Do! It!”

And then we were all jumping out of our seats, pumping our fists in the air, the chant of Do! It! Do! It! echoing off the cavernous ceiling of the Mara Dash common area.

I glanced over at Aveda mid-chant—our cheeks were flushed and exhilaration was racing through my bloodstream, making me feel buoyant and light, nothing else in this moment except for a bunch of friends cheering. Even Shelby looked elated, waving Carpet Ball in the air as Pippa danced around her.

We were, just for a moment, those carefree college girls Aveda had dreamed of us being. And I loved every second.