I’m not in the mood for Morning Pages. I’ll try, but I don’t know how far I’ll get. I’m depleted. The first time Mom called yesterday morning I didn’t pick up. I was writing.
The second time she called, I answered.
MOM: Elise, I wanted to hear your voice. I think I’m going to stay home today and watch movies on TV.
ME: That’s a great idea. Sue will be there soon.
MOM: That Sue is an awfully nice woman. Before you get off the phone Elise, tell me, what’s new with you?
ME: Nothing is new. I should get back to work.
MOM: I understand. I’ll never call you again. Good luck with the play.
ME: That’s not what I meant.
MOM: I know what you meant. You don’t have time for your mother. But before you go on with your busy life, will you at least remind me what your play is about?
I gave her the elevator pitch.
ME: The divorced parents of a single forty-year-old woman both unexpectedly find they need a place to stay and move in with her.
MOM: Oh that’s right. It’s a terrific play, Elise.
ME: You were really helpful when we talked about it a few weeks back. I appreciate it.
MOM: If there’s anything I can do for you, Elise, just let me know.
ME: Thanks, Mom.
MOM: I’d like to see my grandson.
ME: Oh, okay. I’ll bring him for a visit.
I remember when Marsden was little, Mom would take him to the Central Park Zoo. She brought him to Mary Poppins on Broadway and they loved going to the Broadway Diner for pancakes, just the two of them. It was so sweet. They giggled and had fun together. They were like two little kids conspiring. He brought out the best in her. And then after one spring break in New York, Marsden’s second grade teacher called us and told us that Marden was teaching his classmates inappropriate words. “Where in the world did he learn the C-word?” she asked. And that was that. I chaperoned their time together from then on.
I was trying to get off the phone with her yesterday. As I do. Always trying to escape from her when she got more confused than usual. It started when she asked me if I was still married.
ME: I’m divorced. Remember? I was married to Elliot for sixteen years.
MOM: Was I married?
ME: What?
MOM: Was I married?
ME: You were married to Dad.
MOM: I was?
ME: For ten years. You split up when I was eight.
MOM: Yes, that’s right. Of course. How is your father?
ME: He’s fine. I’ll tell him you say hello when I speak to him.
MOM: Please do. Send him my best.
ME: Really?
MOM: Of course.
(LAURIE and GRANVILLE are sitting on opposite sides of the same couch at Laurie’s house. Laurie’s legs move around as she talks—she pretzels them, she sits on them, and spreads them across the couch so her toes can tickle Granny.)
LAURIE
I was in line at the checkout counter at the grocery store yesterday and I turned around. I glanced into the cart behind me. I wanted to take a longer look, but I didn’t want to be rude. I love looking into people’s shopping carts.
GRANVILLE
I’ve never found other people’s shopping carts particularly compelling.
LAURIE
Granny, you of all people—I’d think you’d be fascinated by what people have in their shopping carts. You can build an entire narrative about someone’s life by what they eat.
(Laurie spreads her legs out across the couch and starts rubbing Granny’s leg with her foot.)
Wanna hear something embarrassing?
(Granville runs his hand down Laurie’s leg.)
GRANVILLE
Of course I do.
LAURIE
I’ve shopped for food I don’t want because I want my shopping cart to look like I lead an interesting life. I don’t want to always be that granola and yogurt person. I want to be more exotic.
GRANVILLE
I think you’re overthinking shopping carts.
GRANVILLE
You might be onto something. Come here.
(Laurie crosses over to Granny and their faces are inches apart from each other.)
LAURIE
The lady behind me didn’t have grown up food in her cart.
GRANVILLE
A selfless mom.
LAURIE
A lonely and defeated mom.
GRANVILLE
Not so. She has her kids to keep her company.
(Laurie returns to the other side of the couch.)
LAURIE
Are you shitting me Granny? You sound like my father.
GRANVILLE
I was joking.
LAURIE
You still sound like my father. Everything offensive he says is a joke. Plus you have food on your face. This is bad.
(Granville wipes his face.)
GRANVILLE
Is it gone?
LAURIE
Let me get it.
(Laurie reaches over and wipes Granville’s face. He holds on to her, but she forces a retreat to the other side of the couch.)
GRANVILLE
What are you doing?
LAURIE
I think I heard my mother.
GRANVILLE
So?
LAURIE
I don’t want her to walk in and think there’s something going on.
GRANVILLE
God forbid.
LAURIE
Seriously-she drives me crazy when she thinks I’m seeing someone. Of course she also drives me crazy when she thinks I’m not seeing someone.
GRANVILLE
Okay, have it your way. So tell me. Why do you think the lady in the grocery store was lonely?
LAURIE
Okay-as soon as she saw that I was looking at her cart, she started a conversation.
GRANVILLE
A sure sign of desperation.
LAURIE
“It’s all they’ll eat,” she said. Like she was apologizing for her cart. I looked at it more closely to see exactly what was in there. Just chicken nuggets, boxes of mac and cheese, and juice boxes. And I said to her, “I’m so sorry to hear that.”
GRANVILLE
Did she take offense?
LAURIE
She asked me if I had children. Don’t you think that’s too personal a question for the supermarket?
GRANVILLE
You were checking out her shopping cart. You made the first move. The gloves were off. How did you respond?
LAURIE
I said, “Not yet.”
GRANVILLE
And she felt sorry for you.
LAURIE
Exactly. At first, she gave me an “I’m sorry for your loss” look. But then her expression changed to an “I’m going to be your savior.”
GRANVILLE
Whoa?
LAURIE
She started telling me about her IVF treatments and said if I was interested, she could recommend a great clinic.
GRANVILLE
And you said?
LAURIE
I told her, “Thank you. I appreciate it.” I don’t know why I said that. I guess I didn’t want to disappoint her. She reached into this huge bag she was carrying, pulled out a notebook and a pen, wrote out the name of the clinic, and handed it to me.
GRANVILLE
You’re still a people pleaser.
(GRACE walks into the room.)
GRACE
Laurie, these people are shysters.
(Grace notices Granville. He stands up and puts out his hand.)
GRANVILLE
Hello Mrs. Herman. I’m Granville, Laurie’s friend from college. It’s nice to see you again.
LAURIE
Mom, you remember Granny, don’t you?
GRACE
Of course I remember him. He visited us once.
LAURIE
A few times.
GRACE
You slept on the sofa.
LAURIE
You remember where he slept?
GRACE
Why wouldn’t I remember where he slept? A handsome boy like this.
LAURIE
We’re just friends.
GRACE
Are you married, Granny?
LAURIE
Honestly, Mom? Really?
GRACE
Have you ever heard of freedom of speech, Laurie? I’m allowed to ask.
GRANVILLE
No, I’m not married.
LAURIE
Mom, can we talk about your car later please?
GRACE
Just tell me when you can give me a ride to the garage. I’ll take your father’s car if you’re too busy.
LAURIE
Mom, your car was totaled. There is no car for you at the garage.
GRACE
Then they’ll have to give me a new one.
LAURIE
It doesn’t work like that. You know it doesn’t work like that.
GRACE
Granny. They still call you that? Has that resulted in any problems. You know, down there?
LAURIE
Mom!
GRACE
I’m not allowed to drive. My daughter thinks she’s doing me a favor. But the truth is she’s holding me hostage.
LAURIE
Good-bye, Mom!
GRACE
It’s always nice to see Laurie’s handsome friends. Come around any time.
(Grace goes to leave the house. The sound of a door closing loudly and deliberately.)
LAURIE
What were we talking about?
GRANVILLE
Your mom’s a character.
LAURIE
Oh, I remember-the lady in the grocery store, who wants me to do IVF.
GRAVILLE
You want to keep talking about the lady in the grocery store?
LAURIE
Do you have something else you’d rather talk about?
GRANVILLE
I do.
(Granville moves over to Laurie’s side of the couch and starts kissing her. Things get pretty heated. As they kiss, Grace tiptoes in from the front door and stands there silently, watching them making out. Granville is trying to lift Laurie’s shirt up over her head when they notice Grace watching them.)
LAURIE
Holy shit! Mom, what are you doing? I thought you went out!
GRACE
I had a hunch.
LAURIE
You’ve been watching us. Ewww. Mom!
GRACE
Laurie, you’re my baby. I get to watch you if I want to. I used to give you baths, you know.
(Laurie frantically puts her shirt back on and stands up. Granny rearranges himself and stands up too.)
GRANVILLE
It’s nice seeing you again Mrs. Herman. Laurie, I’ll call you later.
(Granny walks out the door and Grace continue to stare at Laurie as she moves around the house straightening up.)
BLACKOUT