My phone conversations with Aunt Rosemary can feel like a one-act play. Or something.
ME: I hope it’s not too late to call.
AUNT ROSEMARY: Of course not, dear, but you shouldn’t be taking time out of your busy writing schedule. Tell me, how’s the play coming along?
ME: It’s okay. Not really. I’ve got too much going on to focus.
AUNT ROSEMARY: We’ve got everything covered here. Go back to work, Elise. We all know you’re on deadline. It’s important for you to remember that you’re an artist first.
ME: I don’t know about that. Everything going on feels a bit overwhelming now. I’m struggling trying to figure out the ending of the play.
AUNT ROSEMARY: You’ll come up with something brilliant. You always do. As an actress, I know good writing, and you are a magnificent writer.
ME: You’re sweet for having so much confidence in me, but I’m not so sure.
AUNT ROSEMARY: Darling, don’t be hard on yourself. Being hard on yourself is a family curse. You must try to throttle it. You should be working, not on the phone with me.
ME: I wasn’t writing. I’m getting ready for bed. I’m calling because I can’t reach Mom. She was saying terrible things to Sue today. She kept calling her a fat C-word.
AUNT ROSEMARY: Concubine?
ME: No, not that C-word. The C-word Mom uses. You know which C-word I’m talking about. I told Sue she should go home and take a few days off. I said I’d pay her and that Mom would be fine. She sounded really rattled. I’ve been calling Mom to talk to her about it, but she hasn’t picked up once.
AUNT ROSEMARY: I suppose that’s because your mother went out for a walk to get some air and she had a fall.
ME: She fell? Is she okay?
AUNT ROSEMARY: Well, to be honest, she’s now claiming that someone pushed her. She won’t admit to having fallen. You know your mother; she thinks everyone’s out to get her.
ME: So is she okay?
AUNT ROSEMARY: Darling, she’s fine. She’s at Mount Sinai. They’re taking X-rays to make sure nothing is broken. There’s nothing to worry about. They’re just being cautious.
ME: I’m glad she went to the hospital.
AUNT ROSEMARY: She would never have gone to the hospital on her own. We’re lucky that someone called an ambulance.
ME: What? Why are you just telling this to me now? Why didn’t you call to let me know? Why didn’t Mom call?
AUNT ROSEMARY: Your mother didn’t want to bother you. She knows you’re on deadline.
ME: Dammit!
AUNT ROSEMARY: Darling, please, don’t be bitter. It clogs you up and gives you wrinkles.
ME: It’s just that she’s always calling when she shouldn’t be and never calls when should.
AUNT ROSEMARY: Maybe you could show up for her now and then. You know Julie is always here for me and she’s got such a high-pressure job.
ME: Julie is a great daughter. I’ll drive to the city in the morning.
Hang up. End of call. Blackout.
And off to the city I go.