Last night, I had a terrible sex dream. I was married to Elliot but I was having bad sex with Stu? Why was I having bad sex with my best friend’s husband? I must subconsciously want to betray her. Consciously, the idea makes me sick. Nauseatingly sick! And I’m not being overly dramatic or hyperbolic—I woke up feeling like I might puke. My subconscious and conscious are so incompatible it’s amazing they reside in the same hemisphere, much less the same head. Maybe Maya’s obsession with my divorce virginity led me to sleep with Elliot and I am punishing her in my subconscious by sleeping with her husband. Or maybe I feel guilty that I haven’t told her that Elliot and I had sex. Or maybe I’m seeking subconscious revenge because she hasn’t been returning my calls. Why is she blowing me off? Why now? I have two weeks until my deadline. I can’t deal with another distraction. All I know is my nocturnal betrayal feels like a real betrayal and this isn’t who I am or what I do. Except it is, since I just had what felt like very real and very bad sex with Stu.
He kept yelling at me, “This is the worst sex I’ve ever had.” And I kept trying to make it better, but I couldn’t. I pushed my pelvis into him and asked, “Is this better? Is it good now?” I couldn’t figure out what to do with my legs. Should I wrap them around him? My legs felt like two long vaginal appendages that were overcomplicating everything, so I tried to give him a blow job, but I couldn’t find his penis, and every time I thought I captured it in my mouth, it was gone. I was snapping around like a little Pac-Man. It all felt so real. My body is tingling and my breath smells bad. I think I have bad sex dream breath.
I was still married to Elliot in the dream. Was that wish fulfillment? No. I was betraying him too. I like the idea of betraying Elliot. I never once cheated on Elliot, not even in my sleep. He cheated on me. Then he cheated on the woman with whom he cheated on me. He deserves to be cheated on, even if it’s dream-cheating.