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With my focus back in the kitchen, I came face to face with Joe. I cowered back in my chair like a child who’d been caught breaking the rules. His anger had reached a level I hadn’t seen since I sacrificed myself in the master bedroom to save the others.
I could choose to be mad at Newbie. It was because of him that I smiled, the reason I turned my back on Joe, and the reason for the small spring of hope starting to bubble within me. I couldn’t be mad, though. He reminded me what it was like to be happy, not to fear the world around me, to believe I’d one day find safety and freedom. I could never blame someone who helped my heart beat a little easier.
The hit came...but not against the side of my face. A sharp, loud bang nearly knocked Kris off her chair. If not for Joe’s clutch on the collar of her shirt, the left side of her frail body would have collided onto the unforgiving floor. She begged him to stop as tears began rolling down her pale cheeks.
Another sharp sound. His red palm print tinged her white skin with a fiery burn impossible to extinguish. She leaned to her side. That time, he stepped out of the way. With a loud bang, she landed on the floor.
Before I rose an inch off my chair, Joe was at my side, pushing me down with his hand flat on top of my head.
Kris, lying helpless on the cold linoleum floor, her cheeks red, her eyes watering, broke my heart. She shouldn’t have been here. It wasn’t her fault that she’d tried to be a nice person by introducing herself to me. She was being punished for my stupidity. I didn’t lock the door when I left Joe and Doris on my porch to get water. If I had, maybe none of this would have happened.
They would have found another way.
My moment of what-ifs ceased when a rush of air, coming from the bedroom door opening and closing behind me, breezed through my hair. I wanted to turn around. If it was Doris, would that mean Newbie was dead, that she’d killed him? Would her clothes be covered in blood? But Joe stood at my back, blocking my view.
I had nowhere to look but at Kris floundering on the floor with her hands, inflamed a deep red by a zip tie, still secured behind her back. The bottoms of her jeans were rolled up, Capri style, and ligature marks—narrow, vertical lines—were cut into her ankles. Based on the stack of zip ties on the kitchen table, I knew he intended to use them again, soon.
Her face morphed into dread just as a cool gust passed behind me. A second later, Doris moved quickly across the room to a cabinet drawer next to the stove. The kitchen was quiet as she continued her search. When she found it, she stuffed it into her pants pocket. Whatever was tucked in the drawers and guarded behind cabinet doors, had been placed there by Joe and Doris. It was a fact I resisted overthinking, based on the spread laid out on the table.
She sauntered out of the kitchen with a confidence I wasn’t aware she had in her, offering a smile and a nod to Joe. He returned the gesture, which elevated the situation from bad to oh-my-god-Newbie’s-going-to-die. The bedroom door opened, shut, and locked with only her and Newbie inside.
An endless stream of worry slowly flooded my mind. What would happen to Newbie, to Kris...to me?
Newbie promised he’d be back, and though it was a foolish promise to make, I let myself hope he’d keep his word. In that pivotal moment, I had everything and nothing to lose. If Kris and Newbie died and I survived, the guilt would have been more than I could bear. In surviving, I’d have lost everything, every ounce of who I used to be, of who I wanted to become. But if I died, it would all be over. I’d be free. There’d be nothing left to lose, for I wouldn’t be around to care.
Once Doris was gone, Joe helped Kris off the floor. Tears had stopped, but the lines of where they’d fallen stained her face. Her exhausted and defeated expression looked first to Joe, then to me. As if she could no longer bear the burden of reality, she hung her head low. Her chin rested against her chest. She became motionless. I hoped she’d passed out—she deserved an escape from her agony if only for a short while.
Joe was a sick, contemptible bastard whom I desperately wanted to kill. I’d never had morbid, disturbing desires like those before I met him. I was changing. Soon I feared I’d be as evil as he was, my soul turned black.
“I’m happy Doris is getting along so well with Mark. I had a good feeling about him when he first got here. It looks like I was right,” Joe said as if he hadn’t been driven to madness a short while ago when he struck Kris for my wrongdoing.
“We never had children, you see, but I believe if we had, she’d have wanted a boy. Perhaps, after all her years living as a barren woman, she’s been blessed with a child after all.”
His hard features softened. His eyes lightened. A sense of happiness for Doris’s good fortune washed over him. It was an odd sight to see. Never, since they’d been there, had he shown any care for her. She was a slave, not a person, a wife, or a soulmate. She could have been disposed of without a second thought or an ounce of remorse.
Or, maybe not.
Some sick part of him must have loved her. Love wasn’t expressed the same way by everyone. Holding people hostage, sexually assaulting and beating them, that was the way they showed their devotion toward each other.
“I suppose I should thank you, Erin,” he said, capturing my wandering attention. “If not for you, we’d have never met Mark.”
I dug my fingernails into the palms of my hands for a distraction from his sick statement. He confirmed what I already knew—the inflictions made to Newbie and Kris might as well have come from my own hands.
I wanted to scream, to cry out hateful words, to make the accusation that if not for him and Doris, we’d all be safe in our own homes. They could have continued living without the son they never had in a life they’d been content with.
I bit down hard on my tongue to trap those words inside my mouth.
“Back to more pressing issues,” he said, shaking his head.
Looking me in the eye, he rotated his chair to situate himself in front of me. His hand rested on my knee. I flinched but summoned the strength not to pull away. It had been ages since his hands had touched my skin. Reality probably said otherwise. Time had become irrelevant. The one constant was that it was as repulsive as all the times before and even more now that it had come to be a natural act for him to perform and for me to accept.
His elbows were relaxed on his knees, one hand never leaving its place on my skin. His hot breath heated my forehead. I held his stare with determined eyes. Whatever he intended to do to me, I wasn’t going to allow him the satisfaction of seeing me turn away in fear.
Seconds ticked by in motionless silence. Joe’s face was blank, unreadable. Then, as if an alarm sounded that only he could hear, the legs of his chair skidded behind him as he abruptly jumped to his feet. His hands on either side of my face held me still as his lips captured mine. His teeth bit down on my lower lip’s tender skin, drawing blood. His tongue forced its way inside, demanding me to accept his intrusion. I couldn’t understand his sudden need to be affectionate.
My legs jerked with a building need to escape. The awareness that Kris was a couple of feet in front of me and Newbie a few feet farther to my left kept me seated. As badly as I wanted to get away from that house, from that man, I knew I had to stay for them. Because of that truth, I sat still like a good girl would do and took what he forced upon me just like I’d done since his first unwanted touch.
My body’s reaction did not differ since that first time. I wanted to vomit as desperately as before, but I’d perfected the ability to force it down, along with my self-worth and respect.
Knowing that he needed to feel like a desirable man, like he was everything to me, like he offered me something only he could provide, I rested my hand on his waist with memories of Eric protecting me from the truth. A vibration rose from his throat and fell over his lips, onto my own. He enjoyed my touch. He’d convinced himself I enjoyed his as well. Sucking my bottom lip between his, he lingered for a second more before my lip popped free. A fraction of an inch separated us. He lingered, placed a feather-light kiss on my forehead, then sat back in his chair.
I was motionless as I stared into his eyes, searching for the answer to how and why his moods changed faster than a runway model’s outfits. He’d been angry before Newbie left with Doris. He was furious upstairs when he saw my hand entwined in Newbie’s. Once Newbie was out of sight, Joe changed. Could it be jealousy? Was it possible for a man like Joe to develop such trivial emotions?
I dipped my toes in Newbie’s fountain of confidence. “Joe?”
“Hmm?” he said without a blow to my face or ribs, without zip ties or confinement. He’d never let me speak before, though I couldn’t recollect if I’d ever tried.
“What is it about me that you find so desirable?”
Why did I ask him that? I had planned to ask him what had happened to him to make him that way. If he wanted to change? What was he going to do to all of us when he was finished playing his game? Instead, I asked that?
If I survived, I feared the type of person I’d become would be someone I couldn’t stand to see in a mirror. Knowing him had forever changed me for the worse.
He averted his gaze to the closed bedroom door. His brows furrowed. The wrinkles around his lips tightened. Was he plotting his move to get me inside, to allow Doris to have her way with me in the same sadistic way as she was having with Newbie? Or was he thinking about the time he and I spent together behind that door? Could it have been feelings of guilt for having an attraction for someone other than his wife?
I waited for what felt like eons for an answer.
“You think I find you desirable?” he scoffed. “Why would I? Your manners are reprehensible, and your faith in God is shaky at best. Please don’t confuse what we have done with love or lust. I am doing what must be done to save your soul. Have you still not grasped that fact? It hasn’t been easy for me to do the things I have done for you, but it would be wrong for me to consider only my feelings in this situation without considering what God would want. I know you don’t understand that level of devotion, but I had hoped that with my tutelage, you would. It’s clear now that it isn’t going to work out. Too bad, you had promise.”
I stared, in awe, as he rose from his chair.
Nothing I’d done worked. I’d sacrificed everything for that man, and now he was telling me it was over, that I didn’t pass his test?
My mind was spinning. I’d done everything right. I never fought him, never spoke against him or his god. There was nothing more I could have done.
Heat burned at my cheeks. “You’re done with me? You think you can strip me to my soul then dismiss me?” My voice was rising.
Had he come to that conclusion before I asked the question or because I asked?
I spared a glance toward Kris. Her head still hung low. Her breathing was slow and regular. I hoped she was asleep—she didn’t need to hear our exchange.
I returned my attention to Joe, who was leaning back against the chair, his bulky arms crossed over his chest. He eyed me as if waiting for me to push him further with my insolent behavior. He’d just confessed that one way or another, our time together was coming to an end.
“Answer me, damn it!” I shouted. My emotions were controlling my words now.
“Erin, please,” he patted the air with his hands, “keep your voice down. You have misunderstood me. I am not disregarding our time together. All I’m saying is it is coming to an end. It’s not a bad thing.” He tried to pacify me. His voice was calm, a contradiction to his cheeks tinted red and his brown eyes turning black.
Moments, minutes, it was all a blur. I saw everything, but nothing. I felt everything, but nothing. I was a feather in the breeze and a boulder sinking into the ocean.
He was going to kill me. I was a failure. Even with his help, my soul was too damaged for him to bother with any longer.
I laughed out loud. “Are you serious?” His brow rose at my outburst. “Before you, I’d have gone to heaven. You’ve preached about being my savior, the holy man who would show me the way.” I waved my hand in the air like a wild preacher. “But because of you, because of the degrading things you’ve forced me to do, I’m surely going to hell. You’ve cursed me to an eternity of damnation. The scary part is, I know you’ll be sitting right alongside me.”
He leaned forward. His hand struck my face with a fury I hadn’t felt from him before.
“How dare you suggest I’m going to hell. I have done nothing but serve Him in every earthly way.”
“Ha!” I interrupted. “The fact that you believe that is almost worse than any of the acts you’ve committed in God’s name. You are a disgrace to true Christians and a stain on humankind.”
He waved off my words like they were locusts. “I don’t know why I thought I could save you! You’re nothing but a harlot, a cheap, dirty whore.” He spat on my face.
A shift to my world had been made with the first syllable of his hateful curse. Because of me, Joe had lost control. He was revealing his true self, and it was as ugly as I expected.
I wiped his spit off my forehead. “In the face of God, you will be judged,” I began, a sudden sense of confidence taking hold of my voice. “And when you are, don’t count on your sins being forgiven. You have far too many tainting your soul ever to be expunged from your record when you stand before those pearly gates. You are a wicked, wicked man. You will burn for your immoralities.”
A false sense of control had overtaken me. I had spoken to him, and he’d allowed it. He refuted what I’d said with violence and insults yet never tried to silence me. It made me feel invincible. It didn’t seem unrealistic that I could save myself. Kris. Newbie. Even killing Joe seemed possible.
Maybe I’d found God after all. It was His strength that drove me to rise against the devil who’d been wearing sheep’s clothing. Or, I’d made a terrible mistake that would bring my demise sooner than I’d expected.
What I did next wasn’t thought out, the outcomes not considered. Sanity, safety, and stability were a bunch of mumbled words, of which I didn’t know the meaning.
I rose to my feet, pushed the chair back a couple of inches. It bounced against the edge of the kitchen table. The stack of colorful zip ties spilled to the side, stopping when they hit two spools of thread. The way they fell reminded me of Pick-up Sticks, a game I used to play at my grandma’s when I was a little girl. I chose to ignore the contents on the table, hating that they were bleeding into happy memories of my childhood. Instead, I watched Joe’s face as he registered what I’d done.
It took very little time for him to respond. He came to me, as I knew he would—his pride incapable of allowing a woman to dominate him in wits or courage. His black eyes stared down into mine. He had an advantage over me in height by about seven inches, but that didn’t matter. It was as if I were looking down at him, that he was beneath me. He’d always been beneath me. I had been the one who gave him the power to tower over me.
The longer he stood before me, the stronger my determination to take charge of my destiny became.
Joe was just a man. A man that nightmares were made of, but still just a man. Despite his faith, he wasn’t God. He had no divine power over me. He couldn’t turn me to sand or strike me down with a mighty rod.
He was nobody. It was time someone made him face that truth.
He cupped one of his elbows while tapping the fingers of his other hand against his mouth. His head tilted to the right. “Curious,” he said, eying me like I was a specimen, not a person. “How can a woman be so beautiful yet so stupid? I suppose all women must sacrifice intelligence for beauty.”
My lips parted, ready to rebut his insult. A scream from behind me silenced me and caused me to flinch, swaying my already unstable stance. My eyes jumped to Kris behind Joe’s back. She was okay, relatively. Her head was still hung low, her breathing steady. Her lack of response to external stimuli was startling. I should have been more worried before. Now, it was too late to matter.
I waited for another scream—it didn’t come. Even as my panic climbed, I resisted the urge to turn around. I didn’t dare turn my back on Joe. I began to fear Doris was behind me. If she were, I was trapped in a no-win situation.
A switch had flipped in Doris when Newbie came around. She no longer did only as Joe commanded. She’d developed her own will—I almost feared it more, since her reasoning for doing what she did seemingly stemmed from what she desired, not some strange compulsion to please Joe.
If I were trapped between the two, anything was possible. The control I’d felt was waning, fast.
Another scream.
That time it was mine.
A sharp hit to the back of my head dropped me to my knees. My fingers touched the indent left by the tool used. I drew back sticky fingers and loose strands of hairs. I chanced a glance behind me: Doris was there and hanging limply by her side was a rubber mallet with blood spatter.
My head stayed low, like Kris’s. I was, once more, bowing at Joe’s feet. I’d been foolish and was paying for my arrogance.
“Sleep now,” Joe said, crouched down before me. “You’ll be better when you wake. I’m confident of that.”
My eyes fluttered, unable to fight the weight any longer. My lower back bouncing off the carpeted edge of each stair as I was dragged up them woke me for moments at a time. Small hands gripped my wrists. Doris, not Joe, was discarding me. He could have easily carried me, yet he forced Doris to dispose of me. My shirt had risen when she turned us at the top of the landing toward the spare bedroom. As she continued dragging me, the aged carpet rubbed against my bare skin. When we turned into the bedroom, wood flooring cooled my heated rug-burned flesh, leaving tiny inflictions on my skin.
“No. Please don’t put me back,” I mumbled as Doris’s tiny hands shoved me into the crawl space, like a full bag of garbage she wasn’t strong enough to lift.
I used to love that place, the escape it offered. I once thought of it as my freedom.
How foolish.
It was no more my freedom than it was my escape. It kept me away from Joe, yes, but when we were together again, the level of depravity increased at a steady rate. A few hours or a few days, it didn’t matter. Once I was retrieved, the appeal of my seclusion lessened with each horrid experience, which brought me to my present point—I’d left Newbie and Kris behind in the kitchen, likely drugged, with Joe and Doris deciding what would be next for the three of us.
I beat my fists against the small door, pleading with anyone who’d hear me to let me out. It was in vain, and soon I passed out from the effort and the blow to the back of my skull.
I hate you both, and I hate this space.
If I was ever freed of that house, I thought I might burn it to the ground.
Sorry, Betty, but I’ve had enough.
The sad part was, they weren’t even close to being done with me, not if the goal was for Joe to save my soul. He called me a whore, a harlot, and he’d said there was no place in heaven for me, but that wouldn’t stop him from trying. He’d kill me before admitting defeat.