Chapter Twenty-Nine

I stood like a living statue between the bedroom door and Kris’s dead body. I hugged my chest in a vain attempt to keep warm from the chill of his betrayal.

Joe and Newbie performed a dance in the small room. Newbie replaced Joe’s spot by the bathroom door while Joe lined up his body with mine, the sides of our bodies touching.

Newbie wouldn’t look at me. That never stopped me from glaring at him with unguarded resentment for fooling me into trusting him, caring for him, for weaving lies like his love for me and police investigations.

His treachery would haunt me for the rest of my life. I’d compare every person I might consider trusting to Newbie. I hadn’t been in love yet, nevertheless, he’d broken my heart.

“Ne—Mark, what is going on?” I corrected my name for him at the last second. He no longer deserved the word that had become a term of endearment.

“Are you kidding me? That’s all you’re going to say to me? After everything we’ve been through, everything you helped subject me to? Have you been helping this bastard from the beginning? Was your capture staged? Oh my god.” I laughed at the sick truth. “Helping you not bleed out in the crawl space, then focusing on escaping and surviving, distracted me, and because of it, I never asked how you’d come to be here. You’ve been playing me since we first met, haven’t you? The things you allowed me to have done to my body to protect you, a traitor. I hate you!” I lunged at him. Joe caught me midflight, wrapping his arms around my torso.

I expected Newbie to flinch or look contrite, but he did neither. Instead, he turned away, giving Andy his attention. I’d thought he was strong and would protect me. The truth was, I’d been blindly following him right into the lion’s den.

While still in Joe’s arms, I started flailing. I wanted to hit Newbie, to do whatever it took to hurt him. Joe’s grip tightened when Newbie’s attention returned to me. I kicked Joe between the legs with the heel of my foot. He grunted but didn’t release me. His hold did slacken, which offered me the perfect advantage. Elbowing him in his ribs and slipping from his grip caused him to slouch over the edge of the bed.

Joe’s body became a barrier between Newbie and me, keeping him from my grasp. Newbie stood, emotionless. He didn’t care that he’d hurt me. He wasn’t worried that I’d hurt him. Staring at Andy had been more important than the turmoil engulfing the supposed love of his life.

With Joe now slumped on the floor, trying to regain composure, I confronted Andy.

“Andy, would you like to tell me what the hell is going on here?” He had the decency to give me his focus.

“Please, tell me the truth. What role do you play? I couldn’t hate you more than I already do, so you might as well tell me everything. The time to confess your sins has arrived.”

A flash of anger darkened his green eyes. From admitting I hated him or taking a page from Joe’s lesson book, I wasn’t sure. The why was irrelevant. I’d intended to hurt him, and it appeared I’d succeeded.

His eyes darted between Andy and Joe, who was climbing back onto his feet, as if seeking approval or hoping someone else would step in to let him off the hook. If I had to follow him for the rest of my life to get my answers, I would.

Joe was back at my side, brushing imaginary lint off his knees and straightening wrinkles on his shirt from his fall. I expected a punishment—it never came. Instead, he waited with me for Newbie’s response.

A warped part of me wished I was back in the motel room when I believed Newbie was kind, good, and protective of me. After weeks-worth of difficult, my life had become easy. I’d fought too hard for answers, and hard, disturbing truths were what I’d won for my efforts.

“You hate me? I guess it’s just as well. I was never going to be good enough for you.” His head stayed level with mine, but his shoulders slumped forward.

“That’s all you have to say to me? What about everything else? All of this?” I swept my hand around the room.

“You don’t understand anything, Erin, and I refuse to be the one to explain it to you. I will say this: All that’s happened between us has meant a lot to me, please don’t doubt that. The things I have said to you have been sincere. I would never take any of them back, although I can understand why you would want me to. Things aren’t always what they seem, though. Sometimes, as much as you may want otherwise, you can’t escape that fact. I’m sorry for my part in this. I hope one day you can find it in you to forgive me.”

“You shouldn’t be so hard on Mark,” Joe said when it became apparent Newbie was done speaking, “he was just being a good boy, doing what he was told. That’s why family is so important. They are always there to support you, to help you when you need them the most.”

“Mark is your son, too, isn’t he?” I asked the question I feared I’d already answered. Joe had said Andy was a ‘good boy’ just before confessing he was his son.

“How can that be? Will you please explain why you said you and Doris never had any kids? Who is the mother?”

“I wasn’t lying to you before. Doris and I don’t have any children together.” Joe’s voice rang loud and incessant in my pounding head. “I admit I wasn’t always a good husband. The reason I know so much about how to redeem yourself from your sins is because I have committed a few sins of my own. I can’t be upset by them though, since they created these two fine men you see now.”

The revolting awareness that I’d slept with one of Joe’s sons to remove Joe’s mark from my body gnawed at my guts.

“Mark is the oldest. Andy is four years younger than him. Though they are only half brothers, they are my sons and were raised together most of their lives. For all intents and purposes, they are full-blooded brothers.”

“Andy’s mom, I didn’t know very well, but, then again, I don’t like to associate myself with whores.” A hiss passed through Andy’s teeth. If Joe noticed, he didn’t care. He continued without remorse for his cruel statement.

“Mark’s mom, you would have liked, I’m sure. She was a good woman despite the woman who raised her. Her mother was nosy and cruel to those she deemed unworthy of her little girl. For reasons I can’t fathom, she never approved of me. Needless to say, she and I had a rocky relationship.

“Her father died soon after I met her. He was a good man who would do whatever it took to keep his family safe. It was too bad he had to die. Such a tragedy.” He shook his head, a pensive expression on his face.

Newbie took advantage of Joe’s moment of reverie, breaking the silence that had fallen on the room. “I think we’ve had enough for one day, Dad.” My breath stuck in my throat. Of all the things I’d heard, Newbie calling Joe ‘Dad’ was the hardest to stomach. “We should collect ourselves and take care of Kris. We can take Erin back upstairs.” He offered himself and Andy for the task.

“Very well,” Joe said, out of sorts, an odd state for him. He dragged Doris by the wrist, closing the bedroom door behind him, unconcerned with leaving me alone with Newbie and Andy not that I expected them to help me escape.

“So, would you guys like me to undress, or does it turn you on more for the two of you to strip me naked? Are we going one at a time, or will you attack me as a team? Or maybe you’d rather take turns hitting me like your father does? Is that what excites you? Perhaps I have no use for my tongue anymore like Kris and Doris didn’t. Were you sick freaks involved in that act, too?”

My skin was clammy, my breathing erratic. I was on the verge of fainting. I gathered my thoughts, taking calming breaths as Newbie began to speak.

“We didn’t do that. We didn’t know he was going to do that, either. We’re not going to hurt you, Erin. I know you have no reason to trust us now, but please try. We’re doing everything we can to get you out of here.”

Andy’s face mirrored Newbie’s. Their sincerity was the only obvious commonality they shared.

“Out of here? You’re the one who brought me back. I was free, or at least free from Joe.”

“Fine, you don’t want to speak, that’s fine. Just know that the only reason I’m choosing to believe two people who have done nothing but lie to me is that I want my freedom and some sense of normalcy and safety so badly. Now, will either of you at least tell me what’s going to happen next?”

“We’re going to take you back upstairs.” I heaved a deep, frustrated breath. “Sorry, but we have to. It’s safer up there than down here. With any luck, it won’t be for long.”

I scoffed. “Luck? There’s about as much luck in this house as there are glaciers in the desert.”

He ignored my comment. “We have to go before Joe returns, questioning our delay. Come on.”

I followed Newbie, and Andy followed me, as we made our way back up the stairs. Our steps were small and unhurried as if that would do more than delay the inevitable.

Outside the opened crawl space door, Newbie and Andy both held remorse in their eyes. I crawled inside without instruction, accepting my unavoidable future.

“We’ll be back to get you as soon as we can,” Andy whispered before shutting the door.

I repositioned myself, so I was sitting cross-legged a couple of feet away from the door. If I wasn’t within reaching distance from the door, then neither Joe, Andy, or Newbie could yank me out when the time to kill me came, and it would come. There was no way Joe would let me out of that house alive.

A few minutes into my dark isolation, thoughts and memories fused, twisting into a knotted mess. One after another, I was assaulted as if taking a bullet to the brain every time a memory resurfaced.

Newbie and Andy were both Joe’s sons. Andy was more than a desk clerk at a motel; he was a part of Joe’s plan. Kris was dead. Doris might as well be. I was, yet again, confined to my cage, my hole in the wall. In that space, I questioned whether I’d ever left. Had it all been a dream, a cruel joke my subconscious played on me?

My rumbling stomach reminded me of the triple-decker sandwich I ate, thanks to Andy’s suggestion. I could almost taste the sweetness of the mayo mingled with the salty taste of the meat. Though it was a good memory, the idea of eating was a grenade in my gut.

I needed a distraction, a break from reality, from Newbie, Andy, Joe, Doris, Kris’s dead body. Betty’s newspaper clippings surrounding me was the answer to my silent plea.

I reached for one at random. The distinct texture old newspapers in my hand offered was an instant relief. I read it by the light through the floor.

September 28, 2010.

“With the help of an anonymous tip, a new lead has developed in the cases of the serial murders that have plagued our town for over thirty years.

At nine this morning, local police released a statement:

“We have a new lead that we are following. While we can’t go into great details over this latest development, we can say that we are very hopeful that we may have finally caught a break in this long and seemingly endless nightmare.

“A typewritten note was found in the inbox of one of our detectives last Tuesday. It stated that we should be focusing our attention on the Pine Tree Inn off of New York State Route 98 outside of town. The Halona creek, which has become synonymous with the murders and the dropping ground for the victims’ bodies, runs directly behind the building. The note additionally spoke of a secret locked room on the premises that we are now investigating further.

Additional details will be released as new information develops.”

Kris, Newbie, and I had just been at the possible crime scene of three decades worth of horrible murders. Andy had said it wasn’t coincidental that I wound up at that motel. Did that mean Doris sent us there on purpose, for Andy to help me? Or return me? Did she know about the crimes?

I searched for another clipping. Nearly a decade later, there must be one stating the killer was apprehended. The article in my hand wasn’t an article at all. It was another obituary.

“Susan K. Daly, 56, passed away on June 23, 2012. Daughter of the late Arthur Daly. She is survived by mother, Betty (Nesmith) Daly and brother, William Daly. She was never married but did have one child. Susan’s family wishes not to have a formal wake but will have a family-only burial; location not revealed.

In lieu of flowers, the family suggests sending donations to ‘Women of Hope’ foundation, a local women’s group that specializes in helping battered women find refuge while pursuing legal action against their abusers. The family would also like to thank all those who had kept Susan and her family in their thoughts and prayers.”

With care, I laid the paper flat on a distant pile of clippings. Betty had never told me her daughter had died. Neither did Mom, unless she didn’t know either. I wished Betty had. I’d have come to support her.

From the day I moved in, I’d wondered why her kids wouldn’t have wanted the house. If William was the only Daly family member left, I could understand why living with the constant reminder of deceased loved ones would be unappealing.

Sadness for the losses Betty suffered overcame me. The exhaustion that follows a fitful breakdown hit me unexpectedly, dragging me into a restless slumber.

I dreamed of the Pine Tree Inn, of Newbie and Kris, of Andy and of running water from a stream. Papers floated atop the glassy surface, settling into the watery graveyard beneath.

There were doors with locks but no keys; nameless, faceless figures pacing all around me, whispering words I couldn’t understand; mattresses with bloody sheets; a sewing machine with a spool too large to accommodate; and an empty, wooden chair with shackles at the arms and feet.

For a moment, a warm glow bathed everything in sight. When the light scared away the shadows, I was no longer afraid. But, like a rush of water, the shadows came back, drowning anything that had been touched by the light.

I woke up sweaty and screaming. I gasped for air. My dream had been a personal horror movie that I couldn’t shut off.

Footsteps sounded outside my door. My screams had attracted the attention of one of my captors, but who? And was there one person less dangerous than another?

My heart pounded in my ears as it had so often when confined in the crawl space. When the lock unlatched, no one ordered me to step out, nor did anyone reach inside to force me out. I froze to my spot on the cold floor. Until someone told me to move, I wouldn’t budge.

In the darkness, a hand squeezed my tense shoulder. I bit my lips and clapped a hand over my mouth to lock a fearful scream inside.

“You’re in here, which makes this the place I want to be. As crazy as it may seem, the time I spent in here with you and at the motel were the best times of my life.”

“That is crazy, especially since you helped facilitate both situations that could have killed me.”

“In case I don’t get a chance later, I wanted to say that though you hate me, it doesn’t mean I stopped loving you. My heart will always belong to you. I needed you to know that.”

“This is incredible.” I wiped frustration off my brow. “You came in here, a place where you and your brother locked me away, to speak of love? Love to me is a seven-letter word: Freedom. So, unless you’re here to tell me you’re freeing me, please keep talk of how much you love me to yourself.”

“Oh, you mean like you’d never let your father rape me, beat me, torture me, or hold me captive in my own home?”

“You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t believe you. You were supposed to protect me. You promised you would. Was that another lie?”

“No.” In the dim light, I could see his head shaking with force. “I meant everything I’ve ever said to you. I’ve never lied to you.”

“I needed you safe. I needed you not to call the police. I needed you to remain calm. I never expected you to fight back so quickly.”

“Well, when you put it like that, I should bow at your feet. Do you have a ring I could kiss, your greatness?”

“You sound just like your dad, believing you know what’s best for me and expecting me to worship you for giving it to me. I am a grown woman who knows what she needs, and nothing any of you forced me to accept was on my list.”

“I am nothing like my father.” He spat out his words through gritted teeth, frustration and disdain dripping from his words.

“You’re right. You’re worse. At least your dad wears his lunacy on his sleeves. You disguise yours under a caring, protective cloak. I trusted you. I slept with you, showered with you, laughed with you. You speak of love, but without honesty, there can be no love. If he is the man who raised you, I don’t blame you for not understanding what love really means.”

“Love is an emotion, not a life lesson. I don’t need to be taught how to feel,” he said dejectedly.

“Agreed, but it is helpful to be shown how to treat another human being. It doesn’t matter.” I waved off the topic. “This conversation is over. I’m not going to discuss what love is while trapped in a crawl space, with you no less.”

“You’re right. I’m being selfish. I’m telling you things to make myself feel better. It isn’t right. Why don’t you tell me what you need, besides freedom?”

“What do I need?” I mused on his loaded question. “I need to forget you. I need to shred every memory I have of you until you become a part of a nightmare I can’t quite recollect.”

“I’m incapable of giving you what you need, but I can give you an outlet for your anger. I’m inviting you to take your rage out on my body.”

He said it without malice, but his words stung all the same. At the motel, I did use him to erase memories of Joe, if only for a short while. But hearing him say it aloud tore me in two. I shouldn’t have done it then, but it helped give me what I needed. Did I do it again, hoping for the same result? If I did, what kind of person did that make me?

His suggestion flipped a switch inside of me. I slapped him across his face once. Then again. And again. His hands were in his lap. He never whimpered or tried to stop me. I punched him in his chest. He bounced back, affording me the chance to do it again, which I did. I smacked his thighs, pushed his knees, shook his shoulders.

He never resisted my attack, which further enraged me. It was as if he was welcoming the punishment. It wasn’t fair. I was the one who was supposed to be finding solace. It was me who deserved to inflict pain on the person who helped inflict pain on me. Instead, I was relieving Newbie of his guilt.

Knowing this didn’t stop me or the sudden tears pouring down my cheeks. I hated Newbie more for finding peace in my violent attack. I hated that a little piece of hatred, shame, anger, and one awful memory at a time slipped away with every slap or punch I landed against his skin. I was shedding layers I’d been forced to wear. The hatred I had toward Joe for forcing his way into my house and my soul. The shame from the ways Joe defiled my body. The anger toward myself for opening my front door, of ever letting Joe and Doris get inside. I was shedding my pain, and Newbie was absorbing it as if it was his own.

He was Joe’s son, forced to live a life he never asked for nor deserved. He was a product of his father’s twisted reality, imposed on him from birth. What he’d done to me was nuanced. He never hurt me, never laid a finger on me, but he did return me to his father, a sinner disguising himself as a saint. He was a victim in his own way, obligated to act one way while wishing he could act another.

A part of me sympathized with him. A part of me was thankful for what he’d just done for me. The heavy heart of the decent person I used to be forced me to stop. We’d both experienced enough violence at Joe’s hand to know more violence wasn’t the answer.

“There’s a part of you that’s a good man,” I said. “I know because I witnessed the kindness your heart has to offer. Perhaps if you’d had a different father or were raised in a different environment, I’d have fallen in love with your humor, your protectiveness toward me, but reality is unchangeable.”

“Because I doubt you’ve ever heard it.” He was silent, confirming my suspicion. “There’s an odd battle being fought inside my mind. I hate you for playing a part in your father’s plan, but I also know what it’s like, forced to participate as an act of survival.

“In college, I wrote an article for shark week. For it, I studied various species of sharks. One of the most fascinating was the sand tiger shark. While still in the womb, large embryos will eat their smaller siblings. This fact isn’t what I found interesting, though. Mother sharks mate with multiple male sharks, which will create half-siblings, but when the sharks are born, they tend to be full-blooded siblings. What studies have shown is that the dominant embryos work in tandem to kill off their half-siblings. It’s believed they do this to be strong against predators when they are born.

“Nature proves to us daily that survival of the fittest is very real. What you and Andy witnessed and experienced as children forced you to adapt, to survive if you wanted to live. Failure wasn’t an option. My point to this story is that we are all survivors. We have done what was necessary not to become a feast for the predator that sees us as prey.”

“Do you honestly believe that? That Andy and I aren’t bad people?” he asked, an open vulnerability in his tone.

“I believe we are all born innately good. It is our surroundings that change us. Take me as an example. A few weeks ago, I’d never have hit you or even thought of hitting you because I’ve never been as angry and as broken as I am now, enough so that I slept with a stranger and imagined ways to kill a man. Joe changed me into a person I didn’t know I could become, and that happened in days. You and Andy lived with it for years. It all comes back to the sharks. Being kind isn’t possible if a person wants to live.”

“Thank you.” His voice was low as if he were whispering his confessions in a church. “Does this mean you forgive me?”

“No, but I accept that it was by design that you complied with the choices you were forced to make.”

“You are a good, kind person, Erin. Your change is temporary. As soon as you get away from him, the caring person you were before will return.”

“I’m positive that I am. A bad person would never accept me or my choices. Only a good person would attempt to comfort someone she distrusts and resents. There are no words to describe the gift you’ve given me. I’ve waited a lifetime to be spoken to like a person, not a thing, a possession. Thank you."

He bowed his head, as if in prayer, and placed a cold object in my hand like an offering. "I want you to have this."

A wooden handle fit perfectly in my palm. The metal of a long, sharp blade glimmered from the dim light beneath us. "I don't understand." My thoughts ran rampant in my mind.

Why give me a knife? How did he get it past Joe? What did he expect me to do with it? Why trust me with a deadly weapon?

"I'll be honest," he started, "Joe gave it to me, instructing me to...use it on you," he said as if that was better than merely stating Joe told him to kill me. "I want you to have it. I'd never hurt you, but as unexplainable as it is, I can't use it to kill my father, either."

I gently ran my thumb over the sharp edge, my thoughts traveling along a rough and jagged path until a light shined bright before me. I knew what I had to do. I steadied my nerves as my resolve solidified.

He jolted backward when I pressed my palm to his cheek. "Shh, I'm not going to hurt you."

He leaned forward. His wide green eyes, brimming with tears, glistened from the light on the floor. Despite what he'd done to me, I'd never forgotten the intensity of his eyes. He rolled his eyes closed as I brushed a thumb over his brow. His lips parted, releasing a soft breath.

He wrapped his arms tight around me, teardrops falling onto my shoulder. He believed I was a good person, and maybe I was, but even good people have to make hard decisions for the greater good. We were terrible for each other, hindrances to our end goal of starting fresh. He'd continue loving me. I'd continue running from him. We both deserved better.

"Everything is going to be okay." I tilted his head back to dry his tears. "You’ll see.” I stroked his hair, failing at blinking away my own tears, which fell onto his wet cheeks.

While we both cried, I silenced my fear and doubt. As hard as it was to accept, it was the only way to free us both.

I stroked the side of his face with one hand. His tears soaked my skin. “Please forgive me.” A moment of incomprehension swept across his features. “But there’s no other way.”

I held him close to my chest as I plunged the butcher knife into his back. He grunted, coughing in pain. I cradled his head in my arms, watching as his face morphed into confusion, pain, then sadness. I resisted turning away. I’d done what I needed to do to protect myself. I hoped, in the process, I’d freed him from his hellish existence. I held his stare from his once vibrant and mystical eyes as the life drained from his body, a part of me wondering if he’d hoped I’d do what he couldn’t—set him free. As he took his last breath, an expression of contentment smoothed his features. No longer could he be tormented by his father. No longer would he suffer in silence as his tortured soul turned to ash at the hands of Joe.

I held him close, rocking him like I had Kris. His wet cheeks soaked through my shirt. Several deep, calming breaths dried my tears. My nerves were rattled. I’d never killed someone. I reminded myself I’d done the right thing—one less person to betray me and one less person to be betrayed by Joe. Newbie was in a better place. Not much longer before Joe was where he belonged.

It was the right thing to do. If I didn’t kill him, he might have changed his mind and killed me, as his father had wanted him to do. Newbie had betrayed me once before. He could do it again.

I removed the knife from his back and wrapped it in the fold of a newspaper. I used another paper to wipe the blood off my hands and forearm. Deciding against carrying the knife with me, afraid Joe would discover it and use it against me, I tucked it into a box near Newbie, then laid him by my side, folded his arms over his chest, and brushed his hair away from his eyes. Like Kris, his body seemed at peace, perhaps for the first time.

My heart broke for his loss, for Kris’s. It was the right thing to do, though. If the police found him, he’d have ended up in prison, in another cage like his father had put him in his entire life. He deserved better than that.

Time wasn’t on my side. Joe or Andy would be coming for me, wondering where Newbie was. If they discovered his body, I’d be dead. It was time I faced my fears, to take some of the strength Newbie had given to me early on.