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Chris
He felt strange – like he’d just woken up unexpectedly in the middle of a bizarre dream, going from sixty to zero in the space of a split second. The fight with Darren had felt like such a pivotal moment, and now here they were sitting in silence in the back of a cab, the world around them the same as it always had been.
Honestly, Matt’s silence surprised him. Chris supposed it was a lot to process, being dragged out to the stadium to deal with this problem in the middle of the day – but he had hoped Matt would have a few words of comfort, at least.
Instead, the silence gave him space to think about the one element he hadn’t been expecting.
“So,” Chris said, when they were almost home. After a moment’s delay, Matt looked over at him. His expression was difficult to read. “Anger management training.”
“You don’t think it’s a good idea?”
Chris blinked, surprised to find that Matt had interpreted his comment as being combative. “I mean... I guess I don’t understand why you suggested it, but I’m not against it.”
“Really?” Matt asked. There was a strange undercurrent in his tone, as though Chris was missing something obvious. “You just got into a physical altercation with a teammate.”
“A homophobic teammate.”
Matt shook his head, turning away again. “Doesn’t excuse it.”
“Are you mad at me?”
The new period of silence that stretched out between them answered that question – which was good, because Matt didn’t. At least not directly. “If that’s the last time any homophobic asshole tries to goad you into doing something you shouldn’t, I’ll be extremely surprised.”
“Maybe they deserve it.”
“And you think that’s how it will play out, do you?” Matt shot back. If he was trying to stay calm, he was slowly losing that battle. “That you’re a good man just trying to defend yourself from a nasty comment?”
“You said the media were turning in our favor.”
“Yes,” said Matt, sounding frustrated. “But not if you keep hitting people! Violence is violence, Chris. You’re representing all other gay athletes now. If we start hitting back, we lose the moral high ground.”
Chris shook his head, brow furrowed. “You think they agree that we have the moral high ground in the first place?”
“No, but they certainly won’t if you fight them. You’re just giving them the satisfaction of acting like someone who can’t control himself. You have to be the bigger man – make it completely, blatantly obvious to anybody looking at that scenario from a bird’s eye view that you weren’t the instigator. That you didn’t bite.”
“I’m sorry, but I think that’s nonsense. You can’t just not stick up for yourself.”
“I’m not saying you have to apologize for your sexuality,” Matt said. “You don’t clamber to your knees and tell him you’re sorry for breathing his air. You just... walk away.”
“He’s not going to learn if I just walk away.”
“Christ – neither will you!” Their eyes met again, alight with the intensity of an unexpected argument. Matt was angrier than Chris could ever have predicted. “Don’t you get it? No minority is ever just acting on their own behalf. Now that you’re out, they’re going to read every action you take as being on behalf of every other gay man. Every word you say is on behalf of all of us.”
“And what if I don’t want to speak for every gay man every time I open my mouth?”
“Nobody does!” Matt insisted. “I didn’t say it was fair, but that’s how it is. We have to be realistic and live with it.”
Chris shook his head, looking out of the window for – something. He wasn’t sure what. He just felt uncomfortable being in this cab. “Well, I think that’s bullshit,” he said. “I’m sorry, but it’s cowardly.”
“Clearly, you know best,” said Matt. “I’m assuming that’s why you asked me here to help you in the first place.”
“Yeah,” said Chris. “Because I thought you’d actually help. I thought you’d take my side.”
“You think I didn’t take your side?”
“Not right now you’re not.”
Silence fell over the car again as they pulled up outside of Chris’s apartment block. He paid the cab driver, hoping that this argument wouldn’t end up in tomorrow’s tabloids, and followed Matt towards the building. Apparently, that argument was the last they’d say to each other this evening; as soon as they arrived inside his apartment, Matt headed straight for the guestroom and stayed there.
Frankly, Chris was surprised he came to stay at all.
