Once, when we were still at the mall, I told Ivan how brave I thought he was. The way he put up with everything that had happened to him and never stopped being a good guy.
Ivan just looked at me. Cocked that big ol’ head of his. Nodded a bit.
“That’s not brave, Bob,” he finally said. “That’s just knowing what I can’t change.”
“I call it brave,” I said. “I call it crazy brave.”
Ivan held a browning banana up to the light. Like it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his long gorilla life.
I wondered whether he was going to eat it or draw it. You never knew with Ivan.
“Seems to me there are lots of ways to be brave, Bob,” he said.
A tiny mouse, name of Eek, skittered across his cage floor. “Hey, Eek,” said Ivan.
“Just checking for crumbs,” she said nervously, because she always sounded nervous.
“Dibs on all leftovers,” I reminded her.
She looked so terrified that I relented. “Over there, behind the tire. Old carrot top.”
“Respect, Bob,” she said, scampering off.
“Take a small creature like Eek,” said Ivan. He scratched his chin with the end of the banana. He did that when he was in a philosophical mood. “Maybe brave for a mouse is different from brave for me or brave for you.”
He looked at me fondly. “You’re the bravest dog I know, pal.”
“I ain’t brave.” I chewed on my tail, avoiding his gaze.
“You are Bob, untamed and undaunted,” said Ivan, and he chomped off a hunk of banana. He offered the rest to me, but I shook my head. I wasn’t feeling hungry.
Also, it was mostly just peel.
“That’s just my shtick. My routine.” I hesitated. “I mean, sure, I’m tough, compared to, say, Eek. But that’s setting the bar pretty low.”
“You’re too hard on yourself sometimes, Bob.”
I met his eyes. He has these dark brown, deep-set eyes, really kind ones. Eyes that make you wanna admit things. Confess to your failures.
“Once when I was little. Just a pup. I did something . . .”
Ivan waited patiently. Ivan is the king of patience.
I felt myself dashing into a dead-end tunnel I couldn’t escape. I didn’t want to go there. Not even with Ivan.
“Never mind.” I yawned. I do that when I’m anxious. “I’m rambling.”
“Bob?” Ivan said. “You okay?”
“You know me, Ivan. I’m always okay. Always.”
I slipped away before he could ask me anything more.