Part One : Really Good ‘Really Bad Dad Jokes’
A guy walks into a bar…
…Damn, It hurts when you do that!
A policeman visits a school and a student asks, “Mr Policeman, have you ever pulled yourself over?”
The policeman isn’t sure how to answer this and awkwardly pauses. Another student suddenly calls out, “My Dad tells me I’d go blind if I do that.”
Unionist are their own worst enemy when they go on strike. You’d think that they’d know by now that if you picket it’ll never get better
My cat keeps meowing and sooking when it’s dinner time. I keep telling it to stop being a pussy…………..
The tennis ball went out without my permission. I was so unhappy, but it was the ball’s fault, so I let it have it and gave it a real good serve when it was in later on. I was set for a game but it’d had deuce and only needed love…..
I have a real problem with salads that I just can’t seem to lettuce go.
They say the best things in life are free, if only I can afford the time to discover them…..They also say nothing in life is free. Great, can I have 7,000 kilograms of nothing, thanks! And then maybe I can put that towards getting some of those best things in life that are free….. or not free, as the case may be... confused… that’s ok, cos you are free to be confused… for a fee…..and only if you have the time…
If a man’s home is his castle, why can’t I sit on the throne for an hour and ‘think’ without being harassed?
What do you call a Shetland pony with a sore throat? A little horse
What do you call a Mexican who loses his car? Carlos
What do you call a Spaniard who finishes first? Juan
What do you call a Brazillian who finishes the job? Don.
I dreamt that the ocean was orange
Turns out it was a Fanta-sea.
What’s long brown and floats on water? A stick.
(I know what you were thinking, mind out of the gutter)
What do you call an Eskimo in the desert? Don’t bother calling him, he won’t have phone reception.
There are two types of people in the world, those that can tolerate an unfinished job and those…
What did Kermit the frog say when I gave him three books for his birthday? Reddit, Reddit, Reddit…..
I accidentally swallowed a heap of liquid paper last night and woke up this morning with a massive correction!
My wife told me I was average, boy is she mean!
Have you heard the rumor about a Russian Cemetery they want to build, I hear it’s just a communist plot……
The farmer won an award because he was out-standing in his filed.
What succeeds?
A budgie without a beak
My mother told me I should learn sign language because it might come in handy one day….
I will never go camping with my wife again. We always end up fighting and it’s always intense.
I went to the worst zoo ever the other day I spent all day looking and the only animal I saw was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
It rained cats and dogs last night. When I went outside I stepped in a poodle.
Newsflash!! The Energizer Bunny has been arrested by police and is charged with battery!
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner today it’s just been collecting dust.
I went to a restaurant with my wife, I wanted the venison, but it was dear so I had lamb as it was some bucks-less.
Why did the red head go to the dentist? For Ginger-vitis.
My cat threw up on the carpet this morning. It was feline sick.
Did you know that statistically, seven out of four Australians are really bad with statistics?
How can you tell if you are drowning in milk? When it is past your eyes….
Newsflash…. Police are asking the public to be on the lookout for a short psychic who robbed a bank. The headline reads “Small Medium at Large”
I hear that NASA has started a restaurant on the international space station. Apparently the food is out of this world, but the place does lack atmosphere….
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
Two cupcakes are sitting in an oven. The first cupcake looks over to the second cupcake and says “Man, it’s really hot in here, or is it just me”. The second cupcake looks back at the first in surprise and says, “Holy crap, a talking cupcake!”
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
Why don’t you ever see a ghost at a football game? Because they have no body to go with.
What kind of music do cows like? MOOD MOOSIC
Mum to dad – “Can you put the cat out please?” Dad replies “How the heck did it catch fire in the first place? Should I call the fire brigade?”
Driving past a cemetery Dad says to kids, “Do you know that the people who live more than 500 metres from this cemetery are not allowed to be buried here?” The kids ask “Why is that?” Dad replies, “Cos they’re not dead.”
I’d be careful standing near those trees if I were you, they look a bit shady…
Dad went to Ikea and brought a ‘ready to assemble’ desk. The sales assistant asked “Can you put it up yourself?” Dad replied, “No need to be rude and talk to me like that, just because I didn’t give you a tip”
Twin sisters finish uni, and get jobs that pay nicely. They decide to buy a house together and go and tell their father. When told, Dad replies, “Well that’s fantastic to see, you’ll be womb-mates again!”
Daughter: “Dad, can I have $50 bucks?” Dad: “$40 bucks? What happened to saying please when you ask for $30 bucks? What do you need $20 bucks for, anyway?”
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at Kick boxing…
How do you get an 80 year old lady to yell out the ‘F’ word? Get another 80 year old woman to yell out “BINGO”
For sale, one like new parachute. Only used once, never opened…
Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener.
What did the psychiatrist say to the naked mad-man? Well I can clearly see you’re nuts……
What is the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on…..
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time-travelers here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
My fake, plastic plants died because I forgot to pretend water them…..
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? Because he called the ref call a foul.
A farmer in a field counted 96 cows, but he had 100 when he rounded them up……
On one hand you are right! On the other hand, you are left!
I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long…
The first night I stayed at my girlfriend’s house where she lives with her very religious parents, her father wouldn’t let us sleep together, which was such a shame because he is a very attractive man….
So this girl I liked called me last night and said, “Come on over, no one’s home…..” When I got there no one was home….
I changed my iphone’s name to Titanic – it’s syncing right now.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and I just can’t put it down.
You know what? Broken pencils are pointless…..
England has no kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst!
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.=
Badly cooked French pancakes really give me the crepes.
I had a crossed eyed teacher who just couldn’t control her pupils.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I refused to believe that my road worker father was stealing from his work, but when I got home, all the signs were there….
I was at an atm and this old lady asked if I could help check her balance, so I pushed her over!
I joined all my watches together to make a belt. It was a waist of time.
How do you know if Lady GaGa is dead? Poke her face.
Originally I didn’t like having a beard, but eventually it grew on me.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten tickles.
I once swallowed two pieces of string and an hour later they came out tied together. I shit you knot.
What is the best fish in the sea? A star fish! If you know a better fish joke, let minnow….
What do you call a shady Italian suburb? The Spaghetto
Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they are shellfish.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
Son – “Dad, I’m hungy.” Dad- “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad.”
Mum - “Can you put the bins out?” Dad – “Yes, yes I can. It’s not difficult, you should try it!”
Daughter, “I need a lift to work.” Dad – “Call someone from the elevator company, they’ll fix it!”
Son, “Aw not potatoes again. I hate potatoes.” Dad, “Shhh, not so loud, you’ll hurt it’s peelings.”
Mum “How do I look?” Dad – ‘Well….in your head there are these two things called eyes….”
Mum, “Does my bum look big in this? Dad, “Hang on, I’ll just change my perspective to panorama and get back to you on that?”
Mum, “Does my bum look big in this?” Dad, “Compared to….?”
Mum, “Does my bum look big in this?” Dad, “Do you want the honest truth?” Mum replied, “Yes, be honest.” Dad, “Ok, I’m sleeping with your sister…..”
Mum, “Does my bum look big in this?” Dad, “Yes, now move away from my telescope, I’m trying to view Uranus.”
Mum, “Does my bum look big in this?” Dad, “I don’t know, there’s something friggin’ massive blocking out the light!”
And Dads remember if Mum asks you “Does my bum look big in this, don’t answer with the following – “Not as big as it looks when you are not wearing it…..”
Mum, “Does my bum look big in this?” Dad walks out of the bedroom, down the stairs, out the front door, across the road and up the street to the top of the hill. Dad then gets out his mobile phone rings mum and says, “Not from here, it doesn’t look big at all….”
After trying on ten pairs of jeans, the wife asked me, “So, does my bum look big in these?” Having had enough I replied, “Of course it does when you are wearing ten pairs of jeans…..”
I went shopping with my wife. “Does my bum look big in this dress?” The wife replied, “You are so embarrassing, why are you wearing THAT dress ….. To start with, that color is so wrong for you…”
A dad forgot to put the seatbelt on his five year old son as he drove out of the shopping center car park. A person watching yelled out “You are such an irresponsible father..” The dad said, “Did you hear that, stop the car son….”