6. The Honeymoon: Rigid Thinking!

The destination for our honeymoon was Byron Bay. We rented a house and spent our days either strolling through the village, relaxing on the beach or reading books in the little garden. It was nice but different.

Last time we stayed in Byron we weren’t married and I was able to be myself. Now I felt that I had to do things in accordance with Gavin’s expectations. He was very set in the way that things should be done. His rigid approach to everyday life had always worked for him and he was sure that as long as we stayed on the same track everything was going to be fine (and I mean exactly the same track).

At 27 I was a totally developed adult with my own thoughts and feelings. Gavin’s lack of ‘theory of mind’, made him unaware of that. If I put two slices of chicken loaf into my sandwich, he’d say, ‘One is enough, we only ever put one in at home’. He told me how to fill ice cream cones, how to toast bread properly and how to shake the towels out after the beach. Everything had to be done in a deliberate manner. His constant lectures started to irritate me and made me feel as if I was a child again. While I accepted that he was the expert on ‘living down under’ I wasn’t prepared to fuss about unimportant matters such as how to prepare an ice cream. I found his behaviour condescending and totally at odds with my approach to life. Gavin on the other hand was sure that following the imprint on his ‘white board’ was the only road to a successful existence.

One day we drove to Surfers’ Paradise and decided to have a snack there. Gavin went to buy a burger and I bought a salad sandwich and a little bottle of Coke. When I came back he was frustrated that I’d bought myself a drink. ‘Why would you buy a little bottle of Coke when you can go to a supermarket and get a 1.25 litre bottle for less money? If you’d done that there’d be enough for both of us,’ he said. I assumed he’d come back with a burger and a drink of his own. It wasn’t that I didn’t see the logic of buying a big bottle I just hadn’t given it a lot of thought. Gavin on the other hand was always thinking and found it difficult to tolerate people who behaved in a careless manner.

On his ‘white board’ it said, ‘Always buy a big bottle for everybody and share’ (that includes in the cinemas even if you look like a fool). I had no idea that he had a ‘white board’ and was devastated that we had to argue about the price of a drink while we were on our honeymoon. Gavin didn’t care. In his opinion I had acted stupidly and he needed to make sure that I knew it. He told me over and over again how silly I had been and didn’t stop until he was certain that it’d sunk in.

Since we’d left Switzerland Gavin’s anxiety levels had increased because Australia was his home and he felt that it was his responsibility to create a comfortable life for us. My seemingly careless behaviour stressed him immensely. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t use more logic in my actions while I was devastated about the way he talked down to me.

Today we have learned to come to terms with our different ways of thinking and while I try to put more logic into my actions Gavin tries to be more considerate with his comments. Even though we don’t always succeed in doing the right thing, learning from each other has been beneficial for both of us. I have become more sensible in performing tasks while he is more careful in choosing his words.

Apart from the lectures on ‘life down under’, our honeymoon was quite pleasant, even though there wasn’t much romance in the air. We seemed to spend more time discussing ways of doing things than actually enjoying our time together.

Today I know that Gavin has a system for almost everything. In the morning, for example, I freely pour different cereals into my bowl while he prepares his breakfast with great care. The cereal has to be placed in a certain way and the honey has to be distributed with the same spoon and in the same manner as always. Afterwards an identical volume of milk has to be poured into the bowl which is then left to stand for five minutes to ensure proper absorption. For me making breakfast is a simple task, for Gavin it’s an art form. I love watching him and admire the patience he has when he performs a task. Even when he has a shower he always washes himself in the same sequence.

Gavin’s great attention to detail and my lack of it doesn’t create a problem anymore. He has learned that I do things differently, not because I’m careless but because I have other priorities.

On our honeymoon I was looking for romance while Gavin was more concerned with structuring our entertainment so he wouldn’t feel lost. Years later he admitted that he often copied certain behaviours. Once he had seen a TV show where a couple had watched videos on their honeymoon, so he decided to hire a VCR and do the same. He loved watching movies and was sure that I would too. I’d have preferred to do something else because I wasn’t totally fluent in English, but I didn’t say anything. I had no intention of spoiling Gavin’s fun. More than once I nodded off during the second movie and in my sleep I could hear him laugh. He was having a ball watching on his own; it never occurred to him that I didn’t enjoy it quite as much.

A little more romance would’ve been nice, like a moonshine walk on the beach, holding hands, cuddling and talking about our dreams in life, but conversations weren’t Gavin’s thing. He used to say, ‘Talking is overrated’.

I missed home and needed to know that I wasn’t alone in Australia, even though it felt as if I was. There was no ‘togetherness’ in our relationship. If I ever brought this up Gavin said, ‘But we are together. We’re sitting here about 10 cm apart on the sofa watching a movie.’

It was nice of him to hire a VCR and it wouldn’t have been that bad if we didn’t have to watch two videos every night. Now I can see why this wasn’t possible. Gavin had paid for seven days hire and had every intention of getting his money’s worth.

On honeymoon I realized for the first time that we were very different. While Gavin believed in structure, routine and logic, I was driven by feelings and couldn’t comprehend why he placed so much emphasis on basic actions. Our personalities clashed because I was spontaneous, unpredictable and emotional and found it difficult to be confined to a world of logic.