10. Babies and New Mothers are Unpredictable: Coping with Change

At first everything was wonderful! Marc was a beautiful baby who slept a lot and was easy to care for, until he developed reflux. From then on he was often unsettled and in pain. As a first-time mum I was not experienced and worried about his frequent crying.

Gavin wasn’t used to this side of me and didn’t know how to handle the situation. Instead of supporting me he resented the fact that I was stressed. He wanted things to go back to normal. Even though he loved to have a family of his own, he wasn’t prepared to accept the changes that occurred. He needed routine and predictability in his life and the new baby was jeopardizing this. The thought that parenthood could be challenging had never before entered his mind.

I have spoken with a lot of people in Asperger marriages and we all agreed that whenever our life becomes challenging our spouses increase the stress by being difficult. They don’t seem to be able to provide support. On the contrary, their presence usually makes matters worse.

This might sound bad, but it’s totally understandable. People with AS are constantly stressed and have quite a considerable amount of anxiety within. In difficult situations the stress added to that which already exists leads to an overload of the nervous system and in many cases to a meltdown. It’s very important to remember this. Our partners aren’t just selfish when they refuse to deal with problems. They are simply not as resilient to stress, because they’re already agitated from everyday life. Try to picture two cups both containing stress. Your cup is maybe a quarter full and your partner’s three quarters. If you add the same amount of stress to each cup it’s obvious which one will overflow first. This doesn’t occur because one cup is faulty. It’s simply a matter of quantity.

Constant lack of support is a big issue in Asperger marriages, that’s why I’d like to extend this a bit further with another analogy. Imagine that you are going for a hike in the mountains with two other couples. You are planning to stay overnight in a hut and return the next day. The climb up to the summit is very hard and strenuous. Your girl friends, who are wearing sandals, soon feel exhausted and the husbands decide to give them a piggyback. You’re also tired but your partner doesn’t seem to care, instead he lets you drag him up the hill. You might be annoyed and resent the fact that you have to climb up by yourself, but don’t forget in the end it will make you stronger. If you climb a mountain knowing that your husband suffers from asthma, you wouldn’t expect him to carry you. Instead you would slow down and make sure that he doesn’t exhaust himself. You’d realize that in pushing him to accelerate or, even worse, carry you, he might suffer an asthma attack. Surely you wouldn’t want that. So don’t expect to be carried, instead wear good shoes, take food and drink along and be strong enough to reach the summit without your partner’s help.

Don’t concern yourself with the giggles of the other couples. You will be the one laughing once you reach the hut and start to play Trivial Pursuit. Thanks to AS your partner might know more answers and help you win the game, or he’ll cook a great meal for everybody. We all have our strengths. Forcing others to do things that are too difficult for them only leads to stress and failure. Take the good with the bad, in the end it balances itself out.

Of course in those early years I wasn’t aware of this and found it hard to care for my reflux baby without any support. Gavin didn’t like the changes that parenthood had brought to his life. Everything seemed different now and he couldn’t cope with that. I was now a mother as well as a wife, which meant that he wasn’t the sole focus of my attention anymore. This confused him. Before we had Marc I was always content and peaceful when he came home from work. Since I had become a mum, he never quite knew what to expect. If I had a good day I was happy, but when Marc had a sore tummy I was stressed. Gavin couldn’t deal with this.

As I mentioned in a previous chapter he always wanted me to be the same, but of course this wasn’t possible. I couldn’t always be peaceful, understanding and happy. I don’t think he understood that marrying somebody was not the same as purchasing a lamp or a painting. A lamp can be turned on when light is required, otherwise it just stands there and doesn’t get in the way. A painting never changes, it always appears the same. If you feel like looking at it you can, otherwise it just hangs there and brightens up your house. Things don’t require much attention. They are simply there when we need them. People, on the other hand, are totally different. They change! Sometimes they are happy and fun, and other times they can be worried, confused, frightened, angry or sick.

The world of emotions is very complicated for people with AS, they don’t know how to deal with the mood changes of other people. Recently a young lady with AS asked me:

How do I know what to say so I don’t offend others? Everybody is so different, while one person laughs at my jokes another person hates them. Even worse, one day a person laughs at my jokes and the next day the same person gets upset with me for being funny. How can I know what others want from me? When am I meant to be understanding and when can I be entertaining?

If we think about emotions in a logical way we soon realize how complicated it would be if we couldn’t use intuition to help us along. People with AS don’t have this privilege, they have to deal with emotions in a logical way. This makes interaction with others very challenging.

Gavin needed me to be the same to have some predictability in his life, but I didn’t understand this. I had no idea that all the emotions I felt as a new mother were unbelievably confusing for him. Instead I was hurt that he only seemed to love me when I was happy and easygoing. I didn’t always want to be calm and collected, but I had to be, otherwise things didn’t work between us.

It isn’t easy for partners always to be content. We need to be able to have ups and downs; they are part of being human. Even though our partners wish we wouldn’t have so many emotions, we need to hold on to them as they are a vital part of who we are.

Admittedly I didn’t cope very well as a new mother. Often dinner wasn’t ready, and if it was, it wasn’t quite cooked the way Gavin liked it. Things were out of order and I wasn’t as easygoing as I was before. In a chaotic environment where things were unpredictable, Gavin couldn’t function. He wasn’t able to express that, so instead he stayed longer at work and left me to battle alone. He saw no point in hanging around. Life at home was difficult, so he decided to make his job his special interest.

At this time he was employed as a financial controller in a car accessory chain and multiplied their profit enormously within 12 months. As an expert in finance working in this field gave him great satisfaction. In the office everything was structured, he was in charge and could do things his way. When he was there he worked 200 per cent, but when he came home he was tired and stressed. Everything that was out of place annoyed him and there was no shortage of things for him to pick on. We were both worn out, me from waking up early to care for Marc and him from working. This led to many arguments. As time went on Gavin stayed longer and longer at work and justified his absence by saying that he was doing extra hours so we could have a better life. Of course we didn’t. All I remember from those first years is that I felt scared, confused and totally alone.

A quick look on how things have improved over the years

I understand now that Gavin needs a well-structured safe home environment where things are in place. He needs to have chill-out time and finds it difficult to deal with change, unpredictable situations and stressed people. All those factors increase his anxiety and can lead to a meltdown. I’m aware that due to AS he experiences a lot of stress and can’t absorb much more.

I, on the other hand, need to be myself, a real person not a painting. Today I am able to express how I feel and Gavin doesn’t get stressed when I’m sometimes down. He now realizes that this is a normal aspect of life and that I don’t expect him to come up with a solution. Knowing this removes a lot of anxiety, which means in the right circumstances Gavin can now be supportive.