12. A Family Requires Teamwork

Things didn’t improve with the birth of Nadia. While most husbands can’t wait to bring mother and baby home from hospital, Gavin didn’t seem to be in any hurry. He was supposed to pick me up at 12 but didn’t arrive until two thirty. I sat on my bed for two and a half hours and wondered where he was. Finally he walked in telling me that he couldn’t have come any earlier because he was watching the cricket on TV. I was very disappointed. Nothing ever seemed to change.

Gavin continued working long hours while I struggled at home with two little children. Like Marc, Nadia developed reflux and ended up crying a lot. Gavin saw no need to help. In his opinion our jobs were equally shared. He earned the money and I did everything else. He was no team player, the thought of helping out never occurred to him.

As the kids grew older and learnt to speak things became easier. Gavin loved Marc and Nadia very much and they enjoyed playing with their father. He was funny and made them laugh. The only thing he found hard to accept was that, unlike toys, children don’t just go back on the shelf when the game is over. They have minds of their own and things don’t always go according to plan.

One night, for example, we had roast lamb for dinner. It was Gavin’s favourite meal at the time and he couldn’t wait to dig in. As we were about to start, toddler Nadia decided to go to the toilet. She washed her hands and then we heard a crash. I rushed to the bathroom and saw her lying in a pool of blood. She had fallen off the little stool and cut her toe. The tears were flowing and she needed me to be with her. I called Gavin to bring me the medical kit and he yelled back:

I’m trying to enjoy my roast lamb! When I was a kid roast lamb dinners were special! If Nadia wants to fall off the stool in the middle of dinner it’s her problem. You were silly to let her go to the toilet in the first place! Now deal with it. I won’t let anybody ruin my dinner!

This selfish remark shocked me. Back then I couldn’t understand why Gavin never seemed to care about anybody else. Today I know that his lack of empathy had nothing to do with ignorance. The incident with Nadia simply proved once more that Gavin wasn’t able to see things from anybody else’s perspective. He needed events to turn out according to plan, otherwise they added to his constant stress. This was meant to be ‘roast lamb night’ and changes were not accepted.

I wasn’t the most understanding wife in those days. I’m sure Gavin felt my disapproval everyday. I couldn’t hide my continuous disappointment about his behaviour and walked around with ‘poor Katrin’ written all over my face. This, of course, didn’t help, it only aggravated our problems. Gavin felt confused and stressed. He needed me to be warm and loving, like when we first met, but he never said anything. Instead he hid his emotions behind a wall of arrogance and aggression and came across as if he simply didn’t care.

Sometimes I call AS ‘Beauty and the Beast Syndrome’. The prince isn’t always visible behind the mask, but if he feels understood and accepted he might one day reveal himself.

In 1993 Gavin gave up his job as a financial controller and decided to study from home. For a long time his work had been his special interest. Now he needed a new one. Lo and behold, he made a friend. The only problem was, she was a woman.