The eunuch became even more fretful when Safire flew out to greet us. "But Captain Ghitana, it means the pale-eyed navy knows our position if she is here," said Sakeed, averting his eye from the firebirds bright gaze.
"So?" I rubbed the firebirds chin, one of her favorite place to be scratched. She rewarded me, shutting her eye, lifting her beak, then making a low "sweep-sweep" deep in her throat. "You should be glad of her protection. With her on board, no one will dare attack us. Now, carry on. We need to reach the dock by sunset. Since you, the other man believe the pale-eyed navy prowls about, we should not anchor off-shore. Would make us look like pirate, perhaps? " My word sent him scurrying.
"Thank Aesir she came." Her Majesty descended the step from the forecastle, her hand clutched around the billowing fold of her skirt. I shielded my gaze from Aesirs eye, got a better look at her, she wore sky blue silk with many cloud of delicate silver lace now, she had worn mans short trouse earlier when she climbed the rigging to challenge the eunuch in the crows nest. The eunuch had insisted Cormalen was nowhere in sight, a coward lie Her Majesty soon debunked. I had discovered Her Majesty had eye sharp like the weirhawks, so had put her to use, when I had asked her, she said spending three year locked in a tower with nothing to do except stare at the ocean had honed her "power of observation."
"Yes, I am glad she is here." I grinned when the firebird leaned down, picked at the back of my knee through my skirt, then I clapped my hand to my mouth to stifle a giggle, her nibbling tickled.
"You should be," Her Majesty hissed behind her hand. "The crew were on the verge of mutiny until she shot like a comet out of the sky."
"Stop," I told the firebird, who tweeted a cheeky "kip-kip-kip" back, kept nibbling. "Mutiny, you say?" I gave Her Majesty a narrow, straight-mouthed look, difficult to do with the firebird still tickling me. Not sure to believe Her Majesty. Sometime she helped me, such when she had spied Cormalen, other time she delighted in jabbing her needle of nasty word in my ear.
She glanced over her shoulder, Sakeed passed near us, carrying a pail, then glanced back at me when he was out of earshot. "They fear the Cormalen port guard will arrest them for piracy when the Corcin dock master realizes this was Peregrines ship."
"Why are you garbed so fancy? For the Corcin dock master?" I teased. "Northern gown are wicked scanty, to bare your arm so. We wore veil, long sleeve in the hot desert. Would think the pale-eye would wear more clothing than us, not less. Colder here." I reached out to finger the silken fold of her sleeve, only to have her snatch it away. Faugh. Was I still a dirty slave? Was she still a queen?
"You really make the most backward remark sometime," she sniffed. "My gown is the height of fashion."
"How would you know? You have been around only pirate, only me, only Nalene for over a year. Before then, only deaf-mute slave."
Her eye widened, darkened briefly, cloud passed over them, a look of panic she quickly shook off before she straightened, sneered down her nose at me again. I had made her panic? How? Then Nalene emerged from the hold with Kelene, my baby waved her hand, gurgled, wiggled her bottom in the crook of Nalenes elbow at sight of the firebird.
"Ma! Ma!" she laughed, Nalene gave her to me, I kissed her cheek, soft, sweet-smelling desert rose petal. She fisted her hand around one of the firebirds long, copper feather, tugged.
"No, Kelene." I uncurled her chubby, stubborn finger from around her treasure, when I had finally freed the firebird from my daughter, I looked up. The eunuch gaped in our direction. From their open mouth, hanging jaw, they seemed to expect Kelene pulling the firebirds feather would make the ship explode.
"Get back to work," I yelled, they all jumped at the sound of my voice.
"The eunuch survived the firebirds song not because they are good. But because they are too lazy, too weak to have done anything truly wicked," I muttered to Her Majesty. Safire hooted a rolling "ho-woo, ho-woo" chuckle, groomed Kelenes hair into her beloved spike. I sighed, then smiled.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When we reached the Corcin harbor, lowered the gangplank, the crew stood beside it in a ragtag group, they smelled of fear, odor of rotting goats milk, their color all shined a sickly green with greed, greed had no smell the way an empty, shadowy pit in the desert sand had no smell. Or the way dried bone long picked clean of flesh had no smell.
Sakeed stood at the front, his tattooed arm crossed, his shaved head gleaming like bronze under Aesirs glaring eye. When I approached, halted before him, he held out his callused palm. "Our wage, mistress," he said, unsmiling.
"Your wage?" I crossed my own arm, flared to my full height. "I owe you no wage. I owe man wage, not eunuch. You are all eunuch. Did anyone among you stand up to Peregrine when he took me against my will? Did anyone among you disobey his order to pillage, to steal? You may not have blood on your hand because you were pirate for only a little while. If you had sailed on ship for many voyage like Grunter, you would have slaughtered innocence too, only a matter of time, not honor. You stayed with Peregrine fearful of his wrath. And when the firebird smote him, you stayed with me fearful of her wrath, not because a one of you has any honor. Faugh on your wage." I spat on Sakeeds boot. "Now get off my ship before I order the firebird to chase you off. You have your life, you should be grateful, because life is all you deserve, not wage."
Sakeed wiped his mouth with his grimy-nailed hand, staring at me, clearly he wanted to say a word. Or two. Then he looked around me at the firebird hopping from railing to rigging to wheel, chirping wildly all the while. He lowered his arm to his side, his finger fisted, coward, the eunuch behind him shifted, muttered amongst themselves, uttering no word loud enough to be heard.
Then the thump of boot heel on the gangplank, we all started. A tall pale-eye with white hair tufted like Kelenes, the sharply handsome, savage feature of a hawk stood at the top of the gangplank, straight, barbarian blade in hand, his color shining, dangerous, cracking like a silver whip. The firebird fluttered over to him, cooing, he patted her wing, murmuring some foreign endearment to her before he turned back to us.
"Are these pirate giving you any trouble, Ghitana?" he asked, he was the weirhawk, though he looked year instead of day older, he was much changed. But I knew his color like Kelenes color, reminded me of my fathers color, shining so bright. Except my fathers had been akin to Aesirs eye by day, whereas the weirhawks shone like Aesirs eye by night.
"Merius?" Her Majesty drew out his name,
blinked. Did his color blind her? I did not think she could see
color.
"It is me, Your Majesty." He bent briefly in a mocking bow, his eye
twinkling. "Should have known I would find you on a pirate ship one
day. Can you believe my hair is now nearly the same color as yours,
and yours is nearly the same length as mine? Looks quite fetching
on you, I must say."
Her gaze glittered like a serpents. "Aesir above, that Radik would have cut out your asinine tongue when he had the chance. So what happened to you? Did you shift too long into your hawk form?"
All the eunuchs eye were huge moon, they stared at Merius, Her Majestys comment had made them remember the weirhawk, his dagger talon. Did not surprise me then they made no protest when he commanded them down the gangplank to the dock, where a dozen grim-looking pale-eye in green, gold tunic waited to escort them away.
"What will happen to them?" I asked, took a napping Kelene from Nalenes arm, cuddled her.
"They will be tried for the crime of piracy. Since they survived Safires song, they wont be executed but will likely be imprisoned," Merius answered, slid his sword into its sheath. "Forget them if you can. Now come. All of you are invited to stay with us."
Her Majesty hung back, her nail digging into the wood of the mast. "What did you and Safire do to Undene?"
The line around the weirhawks mouth, eye tightened, though he smiled. "Your little mirror spy is alive and well. Safire deprived her of her gutter mouth, the pain of old age, and a few other thing. No major loss, believe me. Now, come with me, Your Majesty." He held out his hand.
"Do I have a choice?" Her Majestys flesh sallowed.
The firebird said a sharp "Kee-ray!" The weirhawks smile broadened, his brow arched. "Never fear. You survived her song once. And I have a task for you that involves you staying alive, human, keeping all your limb. And your tongue. Not a hair on your head will be harmed, my dear queen. And I believe you shall enjoy the task. It involves putting your husband in his place, keeping him there," he finished with another little bow, gallant.
She swallowed, her hand pressed to her breastbone, stepped forward. "I do want vengeance on Rainier."
"And you shall have it, Your Majesty." His voice was quiet, deeply somber.
After retrieving the few thing we would need, we all trooped after him down the gangplank, the firebird flying, singing happily overhead, Nalene bringing up the rear. I could hear her breathing, loud, hoarse, quicken behind me when we reached the dock. Then she gave a shout, took off in hobbling run toward a motley group standing near the water selkie figurehead of the ship. An old man with a bristly gray beard embraced her, danced her around the dock, a passel of pale-haired child laughing, shouting, running in their wake to grab at her skirt made from a flag.
"Her tribe," Merius explained. "We sent man to Calcors to bring them here."
Tear dampened my cheek, I witnessed Nalenes reunion with the tribe she had missed for so long. Would I return to the SerVerin Empire, find my father alive again, waiting in his little boat to take me fishing? Would the last two year never have happened? But then I would never have borne Kelene, I glanced down at my still sleeping daughter, her eye darted to, fro under their lid, lost in the shadow land of a nap mirage. Then I felt a plucking at my sleeve, saw the firebird beside me, her great eye glowing like green jewel in a fire. I would never have met her. But for the last two year. So much good blossoming amidst the mud of so much bad, it made my head aching, heavy to think of it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The colors variety, richness of the few pale-eye I had encountered so far overwhelmed me, the journey by wagon through their city left me wanting to flee back to the ship. The street teemed with many folk, many horse. None of the woman wore veil, they mingled freely with the man. The house all loomed high into Aesirs sky, I could not understand why the stone did not tumble down on our head. The house in the village at home had at most two floor, we had prayed to Aesir in the open holy square. Was rumored the emperors city had many tall temple to reach Aesir. But I had never seen them, all I had seen of Azara was the slave market.
Thank Aesir wagon the pale-eye called a carriage had a roof, wall to block out the strange noise, odd smell. I could sink down into my seat cushion, hold Kelene, close my eye, pretend a mirage the rocking of the wagon was really the ship moving over the wave. I heard Her Majesty say my name, I blinked at her. But over her shoulder, I could see through the window the lurking shadow of the many house, top of the barbarians wild hat, all decorated with firebird feather. A huge bubble rose from my lung into my throat, when I shut my eye, bubble burst, allowing me to breathe again. So I kept my eye shut, Her Majesty left me alone then.
When the wagon rumbled to a stop, I stayed hunkered down in the seat until I felt someone gently touch my shoulder. I tensed, my eye flying open, clutched Kelene closer, only made her wiggle, cry. The weirhawk had taken the seat Her Majesty had been in, his color a soft shimmer.
"Are you all right, Ghitana?" he asked, his voice quiet. "You have been on that ship a long time, both you and Her Majesty, and suffered much at Peregrines hand. This has to seem very strange to you."
Much to my shame, silent tear poured down my cheek to join the stream flowing from Kelenes eye. "The color are too bright," I stammered. "Think you call them aur-aura here."
"I see," he said. "Safire used to say almost the same thing sometime when she was human. When she felt that way, she needed a rest. How about I escort you directly up to your chamber? You can keep Kelene there, eat your dinner in peace. Maybe later, if you are feeling better, I will bring my father and Eden up to meet you before we all go to bed."
I nodded, took the hand he offered, his grip was firm, warm, dry, reminded me of my fathers hand, callused. I did not know aristocrat ever did anything to roughen their hand, they had slave for rough work. But no slave in the Empire now the firebird had sung to them, I kept forgetting because it had happened after Peregrine had bought me, I could not see mirage of the Empire without slave. But aside from Peregrine, northern barbarian had never owned slave. But even if they had owned slave here, Merius would never force another human to do his will, he was the elder brother I should have had to protect me when my father was lost at sea.
So I let him lead me, Kelene down the wagon step to a vast plain of stone he called a courtyard. It ended at a huge gray wall. My startled eye followed it to a high peaked gable, house where he, the firebird lived with their tribe, the biggest house I had ever seen. Then my gaze traveled around, saw the endless trunk, branch of many tree behind it. A forest, at last, something familiar, I had first seen the firebird in such a forest, the same forest my finder skill whispered. I lifted my shoulder then, kept my chin level, I was a finder, a navigator, I had survived Peregrine. If I could survive him, I could survive anything, I had no choice, I had to survive. For I was also a mother, my daughter needed me brave, I would never leave her like my mother had left me. Never.
Kelene kicked all the way up the polished step to my chamber. So I put her down on the floor to wander when Merius closed the door, left us alone. I went over to the window, I had to look outside, remember the chamber was small compared to the vast world beyond the house. Though even after looking out, the chamber still seemed too big, I was so used to the ship cabin. High ceiling here, distant wall here felt wrong to me.
I changed Kelenes rag, finding all I needed, more at the elaborate washstand in the corner, I ran my finger over the tiny rose carved into the edge of the stand. "For your color, Kellkell, five petal just like the desert rose. Rose must be the same everywhere," I told her, then guided her finger over the carving.
She laughed in delight, her color flaring a beautiful pinkish-gold, comforted me rose could be the same here like in the Empire. No matter how different thing seemed, I could always return to the truth of rose being same everywhere, my touchstone, Kelenes color.
I cracked the window open. But all I could hear, horse neighing in the stable, bird singing, wind rustling the leaf. But not the sea, too far away to soothe me with its music. If I walked through the forest for awhile, though, I would come to it, I could see mirage of it in my mind, feel it in my bone, smell its salty perfume in the air.
Then I heard another sound, the rattle of wheel. Two proudly prancing horse pulled a dainty, open wagon, far smaller than the one we had rode in earlier, up the lane to the courtyard. I would have pranced too had I been such a horse, their fine bone, beautiful golden coat, pale like the desert sand, shiny-edged like a mirage, made them the most graceful beast I had ever seen. The emperors dancing girl could never be more light on their foot.
Kelene, I both stared, the horse halted in the courtyard. The driver climbed down with crisp movement, tall, lithe man, his color glistened gray, like weirhawks color clouded. Had to be the weirhawks sire, a presence strong enough to mark his son for life. He held out his hand, helped a woman down from the wagon, she looked to be concealing a holy mans crystal ball under her scandalously tight gown. With child, then, though still several month shy of her labor, with a color of purplish-black smoke, flamed red, gold, orange wherever the weirhawk sire touched her.
A few man raced out from the stable, unhitched the horse, I had almost forgotten the lovely beast pulling the wagon, so engrossed had I become with the weirhawk sire, his wife. Kelene slapped my face with her sticky palm, all I murmured "hush" to her, I kept gaping out the window. Because woman in the Empire sequestered themself in the seraglio from mans gaze, I had seen few husband, wife together until today. The firebird had no color aside from her feather, could only judge her, the weirhawks marriage from change in his color when she was near. So what was the story of the weirhawk sire, his scantily clad wife? Where had they just come from? Why did his color set hers on fire? How long had they been married? Theirs seemed an earthier, more hidden love than the airy, sparkling merriment between the firebird, her mate.
After glancing around, the woman grinned, said something to the weirhawk sire, made him lean down, kiss her full on the lip, his hand sliding over her hip, around her waist. Her color exploded like a cannonball. I rapidly ducked away from the window, my cheek burning. She must be a wicked woman, to enjoy a mans touch so much. How could she? I had cringed every time Peregrine had touched me, choked on his whale oil scent, tongue every time he had bruised my lip with his. It had hurt sometime when he took me, especially at the beginning. And after Kelenes birth. But I had learned not to stiffen so much, it had hurt less then. But it had never felt enjoyable, just a hot, heavy weight stomping down on me like an elephants foot. I had thought then something only man took pleasure in, woman bore it because they must. Or they wanted baby.
Sudden tear dripped down my face on to Kelene, she shook her head, then patted the crown of it in wonderment, just like I had the first time I remembered feeling rain when a child. I sniffed, tried to tell myself sternly to stop crying. But my throat made a guttural moan instead, followed by a wet gasping for breath. Kelene glanced up at me, her hand still resting on the top of her head, frowned when she saw my face, then her brow, chin crumpled, she began to sob herself.
"Shh, shh, Kellkell," I murmured, jouncing her up, down a little, I paced in front of the window.
The weirhawk sire, his wife had stopped kissing, Her Majesty, Merius had joined them since I last looked through the glass. Both Merius, his father had same stance, both stiff, both with their arm crossed, both their color had lost all sparkle, instead glinted with hard edge. The wicked woman, her color had gone dark like night without Aesir. None of them seemed to like Her Majesty, I would have given my fox tooth to hear what they said to each other. Likely they spoke in the barbarian tongue, I would not understand most of it anyway.
Sighing, I rubbed my cheek against Kelenes, her wail thin, still fretful. Then a sound, warm, golden like Aesirs light, shook the window glass. The firebird. Kelenes tear instantly went from a flood to a trickle. Her little face darted around, she searched for her idol, then she gurgled, pressed the only two tooth she had against her bottom lip in a silly smile when Safire appeared over the tree top.
The firebird swooped down, swift lightning bolt, landed amidst the group in the courtyard, her song pouring forth, making the color of all it touched shimmer with joy. Her Majesty fell to her knee, unable to bear the beauty. I was used to such from her, so my eye skipped past her to see the firebird sidle up to the wicked woman, lay her head against the woman in greeting. The womans color brightened until no dark to be seen, only red, orange, gold, she slid her arm around Safire, pulled her close, the heavy fabric of her gown muffling the song. They were friend, the wicked woman, the firebird. Perhaps she was not wicked like I had thought. She could not be when the firebird loved her so.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I lay in utter darkness. Aesir had forsaken me so completely, not one stray beam of his light reached me here, not even the pinprick of a single star from his harem of many. At first all was silent, then a faint, rhythmic thump grew steadily louder began to pound in my ear. The clomp of heavy boot. His boot. Then a wave of whale-fat scent washed over me, I screamed, only to find my voice drowned under the stifling weight . . .
"Ghitana, Ghitana!" A womans voice glowed in the darkness like a lantern, her barbarian accent softening all the rough edge. The choking smell, boot clomp vanished. Someone lightly jostled my shoulder, I dared open my eye.
A cloud of dark hair framed a pale face with the big golden eye, wide cheekbone, narrow chin of a cat. Eden. I tried to say her name.
"No." She even had the grin of a cat, broad, sharp-toothed, clever. "Not Ee-dane. Ee-din."
I rolled the syllable across my tongue, had a mirage of their sharp edge smoothed into pebble. Every sound came out of barbarians mouth sounded like the sea had shaped it, a lilting music to soothe me in the absence of my mothers voice.
"That is right. You are quick with sound. Jazmene says you learned to read fast that way, by breaking down the word into sound."
Someone knocked on the door. I jerked upright, grabbed the sheet to my heaving chest, hearing Kelenes wail hitch, not even noticed she cried till now. I started to go to her.
Eden splayed her hand on my shoulder. "Shh. I will get her for you. Who is it?" she called.
The door creaked open a crack, Merius poked his head around the edge. "I heard a scream," he said. "Are you all right, Ghitana?"
"Just a nightmare," Eden answered for me. "She seems fine now. We were about to have a little chat."
"Oh." He hovered by the door. "I would send Safire to sing you to sleep, but she flew off when she saw the blood on the moon. Good night then, two fey lady. I shall leave you to your chat."
"Two fey lady," Eden snorted when the door clicked shut. "Fey lady indeed."
"What does word fey mean?" I asked when she retrieved Kelene from the crib, came back to sit on the bed edge.
"Fey? It means Merius is drunk."
I could feel my eye press against their socket, remembering how the pirate leered, tried to touch me with their greasy finger when they were drunk. "I did not know he drank spirit," I said awkwardly, trying not to show my disapproval.
Eden gave me a long look, cuddling Kelene, she did know how to hold a baby far better than I had thought, when I had first seen her, she seemed like Her Majesty, at a loss with baby even though her body prepared to bring one into Aesirs light.
"I wasnt serious about Merius drinking, Ghitana. I have only seen him intoxicated a few time. And I have known him since we both wore swaddling rag." She kissed Kelenes forehead, my daughter giggled, reached up to touch her face.
"Oh." I nodded, glad to hear Merius was not prone to drink spirit. But why did the pale-eye insist on talking in riddle so often? It confused me. Was I supposed to laugh? I would not be much company for them. I used to laugh before my father died, Peregrine took me. But even then, an innocent girl, I had not laughed often except when I felt tense, like the day when Taleeza, I had raised our veil to each other.
Then I asked, "Where could I find a veil here?"
Eden did not seem to hear me, she held Kelene up so her little foot dangled over Edens lap. Then Eden moved her gently from side to side, backward, forward, Kelene seemed to dance. "You are just a love, an absolute love, arent you?" Eden asked her, Kelene chortled in answer, wiggling her arm, bouncing, then Eden pinned me with a sidelong glance. "I have a red veil you can wear when you go out, though it seems a shame to cover up a face like yours."
I could feel the blood leave my cheek with a sting. "Only concubine wear red veil, only on the night their master see them."
Eden covered her mouth with her hand, she could somehow stuff the word back in, not have said them. Then she touched my forearm, so gently her finger tingled like butterfly foot. "I am sorry, Ghitana, I didnt know that was the custom in your homeland. Or I would never have suggested it. I have a black veil for funeral, you are welcome to that. But like I said, it seems a shame to hide your face . . ."
I shook my head hard, my very bone trembling. "I never want man to gaze upon me again. I need a veil to keep off their lustful eye."
"At least we should find you a better shade than black, dont you think?"
I kept shaking my head, salty dampness gathering at the corner of my eye, I blinked rapidly, then put my hand over my face to shut out the world so I could think clearly again. Her color, Kelenes color, they seemed too bright suddenly.
"I want black, I wear black, they shall take me for a widow, then leave me alone."
"What about gold? I wager the world would look beautiful through a golden veil, a patina of Aesirs light softening everything."
"My fathers color was gold, like Meriuss color is silver. And the first time I saw the firebird, her golden feather swirling, reminded me of my father, comforted me. How did you know about my fathers color?" I peeked through my finger at her.
She shrugged. "I didnt know. I just think if you need a shield between yourself, the world, you deserve something pretty. And you should know you can stay as long as you like in this house until you feel safe, ready to go elsewhere, veil or no veil. That means you too," she nodded to Kelene, who knitted her small lip together, stared back with enormous eye. "No one would ever think you were born on a pirate ship, your mother has taken such good care of you."
"Thank you." I lowered my hand from my face, reached over to smooth Kelenes hair, her little head whirled around at my touch. She turned her stare on me for a silent moment before a wild giggle suddenly slipped from her mouth like a stream over a mound of pebble. My fingertip connected with the end of her nose, her giggle stopped abruptly. Her gaze went solemn again. In certain light, her black eye had a dark blue cast. Like northerner would say, her eye had a blue aura. "You cannot fool me, Kellkell. I know what a silly girl you are," I told her, she gurgled, her giggle lasting so long I worried she would never take a breath. When she finally inhaled with a loud sigh, I allowed myself to glance back at Eden.
"It has been difficult, learning what to do with Kelene. My only guide on the ship was Nalene, I did not understand most word she said. It did not help I was an only child who had never been around baby, only fish. I never even knew my own mother."
"Me neither," Eden said. "Safire showed me what to do with Evi. I was terrified when I realized I was with child the first time. If I hadnt had Safire to help me, I dont know what I would have done."
"I wish I had known her when she was a woman. You speak of her so warmly, all of you, even Her Majesty."
The shadow on Edens face became darker, her color full of shadow too. "I was there the night the holy man came for her, set her on fire, the night she transformed," she said, her voice even, her eye distant. "You know, I never trusted any other woman until I met her. Such a good friend. A true artist. When you feel better, I shall take you to see the painting she made when she was human. Likely you will see thing in them that I cant, given your talent. She is so different now, yet the same, the tragedy I cant explain, not to anyone who didnt know her when she was human."
Then we all fell silent, pricked our ear toward the window, even Kelene. Outside, under the rosy light of the scimitar moon, through the mist silvering the forest, came the faint echo of the firebirds lament, a lonely sound. Never thought about divine being feeling forlorn, though now, hearing her eerie voice in the distance, realized it would be the loneliest place to be, trapped on earth. Yet not of the earth any longer.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Aside from a few more time when I woke up late at night, clammy with sweat, gasping for breath, my day with the firebird, her tribe passed with a peace so profound. Yet also merry, I often found myself pinching the inside of my wrist, I was not in midst of endless mirage.
"Why are all of you being so kind to me?" I asked Eden one day in wonderment. "You treat me like I am of your tribe, when I am the daughter of a poor fisherman from a far land."
"We are kind to you because we like you, Ghitana. And want to help you. And because our unwitting folly helped loose Peregrine on the world. Anything we can do to repair the damage he caused . . ." Eden trailed off with a sigh when she saw the question on my face. "You know Peregrine pursued Safire when she was human," she continued. "We had a plot, we Landers and King Segar, to bring Peregrine to justice that involved Safire using his weakness for her to manipulate him. Our plot didnt work, he got away, when he became a pirate. If we had known he would escape, the evil he would perpetrate, we would have arranged to have him assassinated when we had the chance. Of course, one can never predict how a situation will play out or what someone will decide. Even prophet only know the present for certain. We did what we thought was right at the time. But it still rankles me, Mordric, Merius that we could have stopped him before he hurt so many."
"But then I would never have had Kelene. Or met any of you," I said. "Listening to you, I have at last accepted the bad can sometime have its place in the good. You need the mud, manure, rotting dead thing to make the oasis fruitful, green. Otherwise it would stay a barren desert forever."
"Then you are a more advanced pupil than I when it comes to spiritual matter." Eden laughed, a rich, rolling sound. "It seems the only time I pray is when I thirst for vengeance."
Edens, my many talk returned to me in mirage when Her Majesty, I went to the palace for the first time a few week later. Eden had kept her promise, given me a golden veil. So I found it far easier to travel through the pale-eyed city than I had before. Even when folk stared, I did not mind like I would have before, now I was properly covered, protected. And Eden was right. A dazzling light overlay everything, everywhere I looked, I saw the world through Aesirs eye at last, it was fine, fine indeed.
For my visit to the palace, I left Kelene with the firebird, her brood, my arm far too light without her warm, wiggling weight to fill them. I only trusted the firebird, Eden to watch Kelene now Nalene had returned to Calcors with her tribe. Since Eden went to the palace most day with the weirhawk sire, left the firebird to care for Kelene. When Her Majesty, I had both asked Eden what she did at the palace all day, she had replied she sat on the kings council with her husband.
Her Majesty had lifted her brow so high they almost tangled with her hair. "But I was the queen of Sarneth. And I rarely sat on the council," she huffed. "What, does Segar allow every man to bring his wife, mistress. That is not a privy council, it is a fancy dress party."
I was even more shocked than I had been before at the tight, revealing gown Eden wore, the same gown Her Majesty had started donning herself. When I had looked askance, Her Majesty had sniffed, said such gown were the style here, said I looked like an odd little prude, hiding in my veil. No one wore veil here, except at funeral, also at something they called masquerade.
"Can all the man see you on the council?" I had demanded.
"And hear me too." Edens mouth split open in her cat grin. "Your Majesty, Merius has other responsibility, no longer serves on the council. I have claimed his seat, so no, not all the man bring their wife or mistress, just Mordric. And Cyranea of the Helles Isle has a seat too. Since she has no husband, she brings herself. Of course, being frivolous creature, she, I spend our whole day giggling together, arguing over ribbon, trussing all the man up in velvet, lace, slathering them in perfume. You can be assured the council has gone to rack and ruin with us on it. Good day." Eden had swept out then, leaving Her Majesty red-faced, me speechless.
"Do they really dress the man in velvet, in lace? Are they eunuch, the barbarian man, to allow woman to dress them so?" I had asked finally.
"Ghitana, honestly. How can you still take everything so seriously after living in this house of mockery for over a fortnight? Edens tongue, Meriuss tongue could cut the whole world to many piece between them, yet you still believe everything they say. Little ignoramus."
"How am I supposed to know? I thought it might be the custom here for the man to wear womans trimming at the council. Pale-eye seem to do everything else backward, why not mans council garb too?"
"Why not that indeed," Her Majesty had muttered, patted my shoulder, something I had said pleased her, though I could not figure out what.
I looked at her now, sitting across from me in the wagon. She had said I looked odd. But I thought she did. She had refused Edens offer of a wig, her short hair made a silvery cloud around her head like weirhawks color, matched the silver lace trimming her blue gown, though the blue had a greenish cast through my veil.
"You have been wearing a lot of silver, blue since we came here. Why?" I asked.
"Because those are the official color of Sarneth, my way of taunting Rainier and his kingdom." She raised one narrow shoulder in a half shrug.
Merius turned his face from the window toward us, his chin resting on his fisted hand, perhaps he thought too hard about a puzzle. Finally he remarked, "But King Rainier is never going to see you wearing those, Your Majesty. I doubt he even knows you are here, so his spy arent even going to see you and report back to him."
"Doesnt matter." She tilted her nose at her haughty upward angle. "I know I am wearing them to the Cormalen court where Rainier wouldnt dare show his face now. That is all that matters."
"Do you know your gown matches your hair, matches your color? Maybe you like wearing blue because your color is blue now. I have never seen your color be so bright like it has been lately. Being around the firebird is good for you."
"Good for me, Captain Ghitana? You talk like my nursemaid offering me medicine powder." She threw herself back against the seat, crossed her arm, gazed fixedly outside, away from me, from Merius. But her color had a faint turquoise tinge, sign she was happier than she showed us. She had been easier to like of late, less bossy, less snappish. Thought she would ignore me now we were away from the ship, she no longer needed my finder talent. But no, she had sought me out more than once, kept up our reading, writing lesson. She had even included me in dinner talk, like Eden, Merius did, taught me more barbarian word than I could ever use. She seemed to enjoy instructing me, when I had thought she had only agreed to my demand for book to keep me happy so I would help her survive on the ship.
Merius kept his hand under my elbow when we walked through the barbarian palace. I needed his help, I twisted my head every way I could, drinking in many sight with eye wide like Kelenes. Colored glass arranged to make many mirage in the window, glistening green stone carved in strange pattern under our foot, tapestry so huge they would have covered the roof of my fathers hut, ceiling so high overhead Aesir could hover under them . . . I stopped several time to gape. Merius would pause with me for a moment before he gently urged me onward.
"We will have time to come back later, Ghitana. Right now, we have to meet with His Majesty. We dont want to miss him. He has to return to the council at the half hour mark."
"This is finer than I expected. Undene showed it to me in her mirror many year ago. I remember the sophistication of the decoration surprised me, given what a backward country Cormalen can be," Her Majesty remarked, made an airy wave with her hand. "Though it is nothing compared to the Sarneth court . . ."
Merius snorted a rude noise halfway between a laugh, a sneeze. "At least here you get to keep your head. Better to be in a Cormalen tavern with your head than in a Sarneth palace without it. It is far easier to appreciate a place if your head is properly attached to the rest of your body, wouldnt you say?"
"There is no need to be so uncouth," Her Majesty said stiffly, she remained silent until we passed through an open doorway between two guard clad in green tunic with a horned creature Merius called a stag prancing across the front. He had a similar tunic, I had dreamt of home the night after I saw him wearing it, except for its branched horn, the stag looked almost like an antelope.
The guard nodded to Merius, spoke to him in their common tongue, their eye drifted toward me, Her Majesty, I was glad for my veil. Then we were walking up a carpet thick, soft like the lawn where we had taken the child for a picnic yesterday. When we reached the end of the rug, stopped, I dropped in a curtsy the way Her Majesty, Eden had taught me.
I kept my eye on the reddish tile, marked the side of the dais even when something clattered, gleaming brown boot with pointed toe appeared at the edge of my sight.
"Thank you. You can look up now, you know," said a mans voice kindly, most of the pale-eye sounded kind, the way their accent softened the sharpness of Aesirs tongue.
Finally I dared a glance upward. Then the glance turned into a stare. He was their king? He seemed so young, so gentle, gentle in a way most man were not. Never seen a man with such a warmly green color, not dark green. But the yellow-green of the firebirds eye, of spring. I had seen such a green in womans color before, never in a mans. Maybe such was the natural color for a ruler, the caretaker of his country. After all, I had never met a king before. Just seemed in all the story my father had told of king, of emperor, they were warlord, man who would smell of fresh blood, not fresh plant, rich earth.
"Your Majesty, I would like to present Seralaza Ghitana of the SerVerin Empire and Her Majesty Jazmene, formally of Sarneth." Weirhawks voice rang through the chamber.
His Majestys color did an odd thing, he acknowledged Merius with a nod, a smile, his green reached out, brushed Meriuss sparkling silver, reed bending toward the clear water. Seemed rather fond of Merius. Then I thought no more about it. For he turned back to me.
"Welcome to Cormalen. We are in your debt, seralaza," he said gravely.
"My debt?" Aghast they called me seralaza, only the first wife, daughter of an aristocrat were addressed seralaza, not a fishermans daughter, pirates concubine like me.
"You helped rid our sea of the villain Peregrine, for which we are forever in your debt. He was a scourge on our shore, the cruelest pirate to sail the Gilgin Sea in five hundred year. And now he is no more because you showed bravery when most would not. To have the courage to stand up to him after how he tormented you, held you in bondage for so long takes a rare soul. I thank you. For myself, for my folk, I thank you." He lifted my hand to his cool lip, gently like he might have held a frail bird. I began to weep, the world soon covered with spot as tear dotted my veil. So overtaken, I barely heard the word he said to Her Majesty, something about how she had risked the deadly beauty of the firebirds song to unlock a door.
Merius pressed his handkerchief into my hand, I hid my face in it, smelled strongly of sandalwood, spirit, I breathed through it, scent reviving me, now I felt far too buoyant inside to keep crying. His weirhawk energy had seeped into the cloth, now gave me wing to fly away from my tear.
When I finally stopped hiding in the handkerchief, I looked to Merius first. His color had dulled to gray in an instant when he spoke to His Majesty. His Majesty, he frowned, his color reaching out soft vine to surround Merius. His Majesty knew Merius nursed some grief, longed to comfort him. Could His Majesty see color? Likely I would never know. I wanted to tell him the only one who could truly soothe Merius was his fiery mate. And sometime the boy Dominic.
My ear, a babys ear to the barbarian tongue, strained to understand them. "Queen", "with child" I caught before Her Majesty jumped into the talk, repeating "with child," her harsher accent sharpening the word. Her color suddenly glittered like the cold water of the northern river under Aesirs eye, had not seen her color glitter so coldly for awhile, not since she had stopped being a demon. Did her daughter Esme bear a baby? But why would such turn Her Majesty into a demon again? Perhaps reminded her of time since lost, much like my fathers color had lightened to an almost white glow when he spoke of his childhood, did not mean he became a boy again, only his color did for a little while. So perhaps she was not a demon again, just her color. I hoped so.
"You will go with me, Ghitana?" Her Majesty abruptly turned to me.
"Go where?"
"To see my daughter. Merius wont go. And King Segar must return to council."
She wanted me to go with her? "But I do not understand. Do you not want to be alone with your daughter?" I asked.
Her eye clouded over, hooded like a serpents. "No. I want you there to tell me what you see in her color."
"You think she will lie to you?"
"I just want you to tell me what you see in her color, all right?"
I nodded, looked to Merius again. Why was he not accompanying us? I did not want to be without him in a strange place. His skin had gone almost white like his hair, his eye shadowed, his color even more so, never seen it such a dark gray. His hand shook, just a little, just enough I noticed. He must not have felt well. His Majesty brushed Meriuss arm, said something to him in such a low voice, I could not hear the word.
Merius shook his head. "Thank you, Your Majesty. But I think Ghitana would feel more at ease if I went with her, at least to the door. Isnt that right?" he added, catching my gaze.
I nodded. "I wish you could accompany us the whole way."
His eye darkened, he swallowed. "I am sorry, Ghitana. I shall escort you to the door of Her Majesty Esmes chamber, wait there for you. But I cannot go in. You dont have to go in either, if you would rather not." He speared Her Majesty with a sharp look.
"It seems you feel ill." I touched his palm, brief clammy skin under my fingertip before he snatched his hand back. The heat rose to my cheek, I had not meant to startle him. "I am sorry," I stammered. "I just wanted to see if you had a fever, I reach for Kelenes hand like so when I think she is ill, even before I touch her forehead."
"I am not ill from a fever, Ghitana." He squeezed my finger briefly with his to show he was not upset with me, something else had made him jerk away.
His Majesty faltered toward Merius, perhaps he wanted to cup Meriuss shoulder. His finger, flashing with green stone, golden ring, drifted in midair for a moment near Meriuss sleeve before His Majesty lowered his arm, clasped his hand together with a sigh, his color dimmed.
After His Majesty returned to his council, we walked down more grand hall, staircase. Merius kept asking me did I know where we were. I would close my eye, make a mirage of Aesirs twinkling harem of many hidden by the thick blue of his sky cloak during the day, their position to each other, to the firebird in her nest, then answer with remark like, "Heading due northeast. We could turn around, walk three thousand pace southwest, we would be at your house."
"That is remarkable," he said after the third of my answer.
"That is showing off," Her Majesty said. Though I noticed her tone lacked its usual lemony tang. And her hand grazed the back of my head, shoulder, seemed she wanted to touch me the way His Majesty had wanted to touch Merius earlier.
Merius paid her no heed. "And Peregrine never suspected you could do this? Both of you hid it from him for over a year? That is even more remarkable."
"I discovered it, taught her how to strengthen it." Her Majesty preened.
"I am certain you did, my dear queen." Merius rolled his eye Aesir-ward, looked like he wanted to say something barbed. But restrained himself. Instead he said to me, "We will visit the library here this afternoon. Many map, many globe there I think you would like to see."
"Globe?"
"You know, the map on the ball in my library at home?"
I nodded, eager to finish visit with Her Majestys daughter. I longed to see more map. Merius had many map, I had spent many hour poring over them. The map on the ball, globe he called it, had tiny raised mountain, creviced valley carved into its surface, like running my finger over the surface of the world itself. How Aesir felt perhaps, a giant gazing down upon world from so far above?
We halted outside a heavy wooden door, the polish so fresh across the carved fold of panel it appeared wet, its smell bit my nose with its sharpness. I ran my fingertip over the satiny smooth surface, expecting any instant the two stern guard would bark at me to stop. But neither did. Though their eye seemed to follow my every move, so I finally drew my hand back under the safety of my veil.
"Is that a new door?" Her Majesty demanded. "Rather subtle style for Cormalen, isnt it? Has Esme been redecorating?"
"Not by choice. And I believe Her Royal Highness Verna picked out this style. She has quite fine taste for one of us barbarian, doesnt she?" The weirhawks color bristled into a hundred gleaming dagger point. "Safire turned the original door to ash with her song a fortnight ago, right before you arrived."
"Oh." Her Majestys lip thinned over her tooth, she glanced down at her tightly clasped hand. "You know, Merius, I would appreciate it if you, Segar would give me more than these vague hint concerning Esme. You think she is with child. But you are not sure. Apparently she, Safire had some encounter that went badly for her. But you wont say what. You wont go in to see her. But wont tell me why. How am I supposed to be of service if I have no idea what has occurred?" She suddenly held out her hand to him like a desperate beggar.
"She is your daughter. Perhaps you should ask her, see what lie she tells you. That is how you, Rainier trained her, isnt it? With lie? And with the slow cruelty of material wealth and emotional poverty, so you should know best how to talk to her, discern the truth. Or perhaps that is why you have kept putting off this visit, to avoid seeing the monster you helped create." When Her Majesty started, stared at him, Merius seemed to see his own reflection in her wide eye, realize how harsh he had sounded, for he continued, his voice softer, "I am sorry, I would rather not talk about this matter. Or even think about it. I am here to protect Ghitana, help her feel safe in this strange place, not see Esme."
One of the guard, who had the face of a camel, long-snouted, square-chinned, big-mouthed, a bold scarlet color snapping like a banner, whispered to Merius then. Merius grinned, his color suddenly all sparkly again.
"Friend of yours, I take it?" Her Majesty asked. "Doesnt he know it is rude to hint at secret in a ladys presence?"
"Your Majesty, Ghitana, I would like to present Gerard of Casian, kings guard. And my comrade through boyhood and battle." Then Merius introduced us to Gerard in their tongue, I caught Peregrines name amidst all the word I did not know. Gerard beamed at us, bowed first to me, then to Her Majesty.
"Gerard, I attended the academy here with Peregrine, knew him well when we were young. Gerard never trusted the blackguard. And thanks you for ridding the world of him."
When we swept through the entrance to the queens chamber, I nodded at Gerard with a shy dip of my head, pleased, fearful when he nodded back before closing the door behind us, cutting off sight of him, of Merius.
I drew closer to Her Majesty, only to find she grabbed for my arm, she was nervous like me without Merius here. Whatever else had occurred, she, I were on the same side here, much like we had been on the pirate ship. It did not matter what her color looked like. Or what she might say, I could depend on her because she needed me here.
The young queen sat before a window, two woman combing her long, dark hair, the woman cast curious glance our way while Esme kept gazing outside. Her color was dark like her hair, a somber bluish-black like the night sky without the fickle light of Aesir in his moon guise, the color of the treacherous sea when it claimed my father. Only above the low-slung girdle of her gown did I see a silvery shimmer, the faint twinkle of Aesirs harem, the only bright spot in the night sky enveloping her.
"She is with child," I said in a low voice to Her Majesty. "I can see it in the color over her womb."
At my word, Esmes hand dropped to her lap, perhaps to cover her color from my prying gaze, her head twisted around. "Mother. Segar said you would come to visit me." No rise of happiness in her voice, just dull acceptance, she held up her arm, barked "Help me" in the northern tongue to her woman. They guided her to her foot, she shuffled toward us. I curtsied, glad my veil hid my gaping mouth, gaping eye, for she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. And the saddest. Had Her Majesty once been so lovely? I glanced toward her, saw the aged echo of Esmes bone in her face, so yes, I suspected she had been. But never so sad.
Esme looked at me when she, Her Majesty embraced each other stiffly. "Is this your new pet? Can she be trusted if we continue speaking Aesirs tongue?"
"Yes. She only knows Aesirs tongue. And she is a simple creature." Here Her Majestys eye flashed at me, warning me to say nothing.
"Good. These fool understand Sarns, understand Corcin--" Esme tilted her head toward her hovering woman "--so Aesirs tongue is the only one left to us. And it is good she is simple, though I hope it is not in the same way you thought Safire was simple."
"I never thought Safire was simple, just naive as all woman with young heart and old soul are."
"Gracious, Mother, your imprisonment has turned you into a romantic. Come, sit." We followed her to some low chair, a divan. I perched on one of the chair, tried to touch nothing else.
"How long have you had your hair so short? I almost didnt know you at first." Esme reached out, fingered the feathery end of Her Majestys hair.
"Your father had it chopped off as part of my punishment. After Peregrine took me hostage, it seemed easier to leave it that way." Her Majesty sighed. "All I remember of its former glory is how heavy it was. It used to give me a headache. So I dont miss it as much as you might think."
Sharp line of white light suddenly stabbed through Esmes color, she regarded her mother. "Tell me something, be truthful. Was Toscar my father?"
After an instant of stunned silence, Her Majestys laughter rang, harsh like a broken bell. "My dear child, I would hope you know I am not that stupid. Neither you nor I would have survived for long if Radik had sired you. No, you are the offspring of that wretched spider, both you, Vergil, I am sad to report. You think your father would allow a cuckoos egg to sit on his precious throne?"
"Thank Aesir then Segar is nothing like Father, aside from the fact he detests me now as much, if not more, than Father detests you."
"What are you saying, Esme? What have you done?" Her Majesty said flatly. "Have you been stupid? There is a way to fix stupid, you know. Dangerous way, yes, but you cant be too far along. It shouldnt be too much of a risk . . ."
Esmes shoulder went rigid, she cradled her middle with her hand, her color shrinking to thick black band of protection around her. "I am not taking bloodweed." What was bloodweed? Some plant to bring on moon bleeding, perhaps? I would have to ask Her Majesty later.
"You would risk your position for a bastard? Did I teach you nothing? The world is not kind to a woman who follows her heart, my child, especially a queen."
Esmes turn to laugh, a savage gleam in her eye. "Oh, I followed my heart all right. And it led to an insane firebird."
"You really were stupid, werent you? Whatever did you do to Merius?"
"How dare you call me stupid, after how you threw away your throne for some enchanted painting? At least I had a decent plan. And it would have worked too, if you hadnt unlocked a certain door on a certain ship at a certain time."
"If I hadnt unlocked that door, my head would now be adorning the flag pole outside your fathers throne room." Her Majesty waved her hand, oddly casual gesture contrasted with her word. "Better risking possible death by firebird than certain death by the royal executioner of Sarneth."
"So you knew Undene plotted with Father, knew he only left you, Peregrine free to do the hard work of capturing Safire for him?"
"Of course I knew. Or at least suspected. If I didnt know Undene was as two-faced as they come, you would be right to call me stupid. So what did you do to Merius?" Her Majesty fixed her daughter with a merciless stare.
"Father wanted me to dose him with Ursulas Bane, send him to Sarneth so Father could force him to change into the weirhawk permanently." Esme shuddered delicately.
"And why would Rainier want a weirhawk?"
"Father thought he could get Merius, Safire to mate in captivity, produce young for a firebird hawk army . . ."
"What?!" Her Majesty screeched a laugh, Esmes womans shoulder twitched at the sudden sound. "Oh, would have been an amusing end for the little spider, plucked apart between those two. I almost wish I hadnt let Safire out now, just so I could have witnessed Rainier get his just desert. So what happened?"
"I gave Merius the Ursulas Bane. But I didnt send him to Sarneth." Esme studied her nail closely, picked at a cuticle, her color roiling like a night storm.
Her Majesty sank back against the divan cushion. "Oh, Esme," she said finally, shaking her head. "What a man to pick for your toy chest: the mate of the firebird, Mordric of Landerss precious only son, not to mention one of the highest, if not the highest aristocrat in Segars court. You are beyond stupid. You are insane. What did you think? No one would notice he had gone missing?"
"You locked him away in Sarneth." Esme sounded sulky, her cuticle bloody now, still she kept picking at it.
"Yes, I did, when Safire was still human. And he was still fighting with Mordric. And look where it got me. Didnt you learn from what happened to me?"
"I only meant to detain him for a few day, all right? Just long enough to start a baby. Then Vrendane was supposed to take him to Sarneth, where he would become Fathers problem. And no one here would be any the wiser about my involvement. But then the dumb ox Vrendane got cold foot, started bleating about Safire, their brat. Vrendane is apparently pretty fond of the older boy. Who knew a childless assassin could go soft like that? Then he, Merius killed the two assassin who were helping me guard Merius. Then Mordric killed the other assassin I sent after the child, then he came after me, enlisted Segar to help him . . ."
"Of course he did."
"And I had no choice . . ." Esmes voice sputtered into sob. Her woman came close, their hand fluttering. But Her Majesty sent them scurrying with a single sharp barbarian command, then she put her arm around Esmes heaving shoulder. "Oh, Mother, I love him now. And he hates me for what I did to him. Those three day we had together. And all I have left is his seed growing in my belly."
"And your head, your crown. At least you still have those. Segar must be a fool to allow you to live." Her Majesty patted Esmes arm, consoling her while all the while saying terrible thing. I shook my head, not understanding. What a wicked pair they made. Their color rubbed against each other like two cat sparring for a fight, their word to each other were cruel. Yet at the same time, they had tender moment. Might have been what happened in the desert when a mother cobra met up with her long abandoned young, lot of hissing, false strike, then a weaving, cautious dance around each other, they slowly remembered the blood they shared.
"No, not that Segar is a fool. It is that he is impotent. He needs an heir for his throne. And he cant sire one himself."
"Really?" Her Majestys color full of gleaming hook, fishing for a juicy bit of gossip.
"Why else do you think I went after Merius?" Esme sneezed into a silk handkerchief. "Have you seen the brat he sired on Safire, the girl his father sired on Eden? Beautiful, healthy child, all, as the peasant say, you have to start with good seed to get a bountiful harvest. And the way he looks at Safire, has always looked at her, like she was the last woman on earth, the most perfect creature he has ever seen, even now she is a bird. What woman wouldnt want that for herself?"
"A wise woman. Do you have any idea of the price Safire paid for his devotion?"
Esmes sob became choke, her head jerked in a nod. "I do now, now that evil witch sang to me. She forced me to feel for Merius what she feels for him. And I can hardly bear it. What I have done to him. The guilt alone will kill me, I know it will." She clutched her hand over her heart, I felt no pity for her, like Peregrine, she had gotten her just desert.
"She is an evil witch. What a punishment to inflict. It would have been kinder for her to kill you," Her Majesty breathed, her voice low like she prayed to Aesir, her color folding in on itself, darkening like a flower wilting in the heat. "You should never have gone after Merius. Why did you think you could ever get him to look at you the way he looks at her?"
"Undene cast a glamour on me so I appeared as Safire to him while he was under the influence of the Ursulas Bane."
Her Majesty slowly stopped patting her daughters shoulder. "Esme, that is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard." She frowned. "Even considering your wile, your beauty, I doubt a straightforward seduction would have worked on him since Safire holds him in her thrall. But you should have at least respected yourself enough to try that first, then given up on him when it didnt work. He is a proud man, just like his father, and no womans slave. Not even Safire herself could have pulled such a ruse on him, expected to keep his good will. No wonder he hates you."
Esme turned on her mother, her eye afire. "This is your fault. And Fathers. All I have ever been to you is a bit of pretty bric-a-brac to adorn your court, an ornament to sell when the right buyer came along. I knew nothing of love until Safire sang to me, love to me was possession, either possess another or be possessed myself. Now I know the truth, it is too late. I am too brittle. I would have to become an infant again, completely reformed from birth to learn how to survive this pain." She pressed her fingernail against her chest so hard she broke the skin.
Her Majesty drew back from her daughter, their color crackled against each other. "Perhaps that is so, Esme," Her Majesty said, her voice hard. "But neither Rainier nor I were here when you decided to keep Merius prisoner, molest him. Much as I detest your father, he would have advised you for your own sake to leave the Landers to him after your small part in his plot was done. We reared you to be tough. We didnt rear you to be stupid."
Esme had no answer aside from more tear. Her Majesty sighed, shook her head, then slid her arm around Esmes back again. "You truly must be pregnant, to cry so much. Here, now, calm yourself. Your eye have gone all puffy."
"You will come, visit me again, wont you?" Esme demanded.
Her Majesty remained silent for so long I wondered if she had heard her daughter, her face had a faraway look, like someone peering through the shimmery wave of a mirage. "Yes, I will come, visit you again," she said at long last. She resumed patting Esmes shoulder, they sat together for so long my foot fell asleep, watching them through the golden rain of the dried tear on my veil.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We visited the sea on a clear night when Aesirs shadow side had just started on its wane, hung low like a scimitar blade in the sky. When Aesir lay fully in shadow, the barbarian called it the new moon, confused me. He was Aesir, ancient, ageless. How could he be new every month? When he was in shadow, his many wife, concubine flung their veil aside, burned brighter when they searched for him amidst the dark velvet fold of the sky. When he shone large, round with desire, his harem put their veil back on, concealed their brilliance to entice him when they danced around him through the night.
When Merius, Eden, I walked across the beach, our footfall in the sea-flattened pebble ringing heavily, the firebird soared overhead, a singing flame in the sky. I watched her when she flew across Aesir like a comet.
"Aesir will claim Safire for one of his wife if she flies much closer to him," I said. "She burns even brighter than his first love Venus." I pointed at Aesirs loveliest star.
"I didnt know they called that star Venus in Aesirs tongue. What we call it here too, Venus," Eden remarked.
"Astronomer have claimed for several century that Venus is too bright, too large to be a star at all. When I brought Easlos the new telescope I made for him, he told me an interesting theory of his, derived from a SerVerinese text he read many year ago." Merius leapt up on a rock, his color shooting silver spark far heavenward, toward his mate. Safire responded with a happy "tree-trai-la" at the feel of his color touching her, dove down to land beside him.
"If it is not a star, then what is it?"
"Venus is not an it. But a woman, a seralaza no less," I told Eden.
Much like Aesir tonight, part of her face lay in shadow, the half I could see smiled. "I stand corrected. So, Merius, what does Easlos say Seralaza Venus is exactly, if she is not a star?"
"A world. She revolves around Aesir as our world does, though her orbit is her own."
"Other world?" Eden murmured. "As large as this one?" She threw out her arm to encompass the beach, the sea.
"Larger, some of them." He pulled Safire close to him, she warbled "Ti-wee, chu-weer, pippety-chee," twin Venus reflected in her great eye. For an instant, she led us flying over the rolling surface of Venuss vast, generous body. Aesirs most beloved wife, Venus glistened, shined so brightly with his light, I could not make out her many desert, many sea, just a blinding brilliance undulating below us. Very warm here, warmth was a sign of Aesirs favor. Then the mirage ended, we were back on the pale-eyed beach at night. I rubbed my arm, cold suddenly after being in such a hot place, however briefly.
"But how is it possible Venus could be a world like ours?" Eden peered at Venus, first tilting her head one direction, then another. "She looks so small."
"Like seeing a ship far off on the horizon, it looks tiny like a toy. But that is only your perspective."
"Oh, makes sense. But other world? I can barely comprehend it. This world we inhabit is more than enough for me to handle. I dont need other to confuse me. However does God . . . Aesir keep it all straight, I wonder?"
"Aesir is large enough to care for all his wife, his world," I said. We had come to the edge of the water, the wave almost lapping our toe, we all fell silent, listening to the voice of the sea. I stared out at the dark gray silver-tipped water, the endless pattern reminded me of our mirage of Venus, a whole new world unfurling at our foot. But how could she feel so new to me? I had been near the sea since I could remember. Perhaps because I had never approached her in such a way before.
"What do you hear, Ghitana?" Merius asked finally, his color sparkling, he glanced at me.
"I hear my mothers voice." I cocked my head toward the sea, her frothy hand beckoning me. "She murmurs secret to me, she has my whole life. But I have never been able to understand what she says."
"Your night to go under the wave, grow new ear to understand her word then."
I had longed to come out here. But now I drew back from the water, suddenly afraid. "I do not know." My last sight of Kelene, asleep with the other child in the nursery under Elsas watchful eye. The black tuft of her hair, her small hand dark against the pillow, she suckled her thumb, the trembling curl of her lash, her eye darted under their lid in a dream.
"Ghitana, what is it?" Eden stroked my arm, then my hair.
"My mother. I never knew her. Perhaps she abandoned me for the sea. What if I abandon Kelene like I was abandoned?" I choked.
"You dont know your mother abandoned you. She may have died like my mother did. Or Meriuss mother did. I cant imagine your mother leaving you of her own free will. And I know you wont leave Kelene."
Merius reached out, squeezed my finger. "Safire will fly overhead, guide you back to shore with her song. If you need her for any reason, she will be there. And, Ghitana, you do not have to do this. You know that, right?"
I nodded, squeezed his finger back before I released his hand. Safire tugged on my veil like Kelene did sometime when she wanted to see my naked face. I lifted the veil, turned to her. "Coo-ee, coo-woo," she clucked. A soft, clear voice called my name then, the prickle the pale-eye called gooseflesh ran over my skin. I knew the voice. Though I had not heard it since I was very young except in half-remembered dream, mirage. I glanced toward the sea, then gasped. A woman stood before me, the water curling around her ankle, she wore nothing save for the long wave of her black hair, the rosy glow of her color, the languid scent of water lily overpowering the briny air, surrounding me with sweetness. My mother. Her lip curved in a soft smile, the shape of Aesirs crescent on a misty night, she motioned to me. Come, my daughter. Come to the sea, be with me again for a little while.
I cast my veil aside, kicked my slipper off. Far away, Eden, Merius spoke to me. But I could not make out their word, they belonged to the shore, I to the sea now. The water flowed around my ankle, then my knee, the pebble under my foot giving way to fine sand, so smooth I could barely tell the water from the sand when they both trickled between my toe at the swish of the wave. I had worried the water would be cold, it was lukewarm though, felt silky like my veil against my skin.
My mother moved back, I shed the last of my human clothing, glided toward her, the water up to my waist now. The end of her hair coiled in the wave, her finger combing through first her hair, then the sea foam, then her hair again, all one under Aesirs magical light. I could not tell where the water ended, she began.
"Please, you cannot be a mirage. Please, I have waited so long to see you again . . ." I said, reaching toward her.
While you are near the sea, I am always with you, my child, child of the sea. You may not always be able to see me, hear me. But I am always with you when you smell the salty air, hear the wave crash on the beach, witness Aesirs eye dip below the horizon into the sea. Your blood, my blood, your daughters blood, sea water under moonlight flows in our vein, for we are water selkie. She reached toward me, our fingertip touched. I stretched my finger apart, marveling at the new webbing between them, the same webbing she had between her finger. Aesirs light shone through the webbing, I could see the pattern of the delicate vein undulate gently like sea weed, then snap closed like seralazas fancy fan when we clasped our hand together.
"Where are you? Why have you not come to me before?" I asked her, she led me further out into the sea. The surface surrounded my neck now, when a wave hit my face, water went down my throat, I found I did not have to sputter for breath, found I no longer breathed at all through my nose, my mouth, instead through gill in my side flapped open, closed in such a natural rhythm, the same rhythm like my heart, I had not even noticed them till now.
She blinked her great, glowing eye. Why had I not seen how large, luminous her eye were, like the firebirds gaze, until now? I am pure spirit now, have been for almost as many year as you have been alive, why you can only find me in the sea, your infant memory.
The water closed over my head, pearl of light floated, danced all around us, some rosy, some silvery, they were bubble, catching the hue of my mothers color, Aesirs night color. I had thought it would be too dark to see here, thought the water would swallow all of Aesirs light. But my new eye adjusted easily to the dimness. Small fish darted nearby, wove dizzying pattern around us when we swam further out, hundred of them like a swarm of dragonfly with their shimmering fin, long, narrow body, silver coin of scale winking in the depth. I glimpsed something on the ocean floor, lustrous polished ivory, plucked it up in my hand. A giant snail shell, dark stripe circled out from the inner spiral much like a zebra hide, the area around the opening unmarked. A striped snail shell, buffeted, tossed by the sea many, many mile away from its home in the tropic.
My mothers spirit ran her finger-fin over the edge of the shell, gazed deeply into my eye, she pressed it against my palm. For you, my daughter, so you can hear my voice even when you are far inland, far from me . . .
I jerked awake, I lay on a blanket made from the northerners rough, warm wool, Aesir, his wife swirling in their nightly dance overhead. Gentle finger ran over my forehead, hair over, over again, much like a mother would soothe a fretful child. Blinking, I twisted my head to the side to see Eden sitting on the blanket with me. The firebird flapped overhead, then landed on the beach nearby, her foot skittering against the pebble, chiming them against each other.
"She can make music from stone," I said.
Eden glanced over at her. "Because she is magic." Then she looked back at me. "You are magic too." Her finger paused in my hair. "How do you feel?"
I yawned. "Tired, like I have just awakened from a long dream I cannot remember."
"It was no dream. You swam out there for an hour at least."
"An hour?" I strained to recall my time in the sea. "But I only remember a little, just the part when I first went into the water."
"Merius thought that would happen, what happened to him when he shifted into the weirhawk. He could remember the first few moment of being the hawk before his mind had no word to assign his experience, hence could make no lasting human memory. He called it the in-between place."
"The in-between place. I like his word for it." I turned my face away from her, Safire for an instant, looking around the beach. "Where is he?"
Eden offered her cat grin. "He knew you would come out of the water naked. He didnt want to embarrass you."
"He is a most wise, honorable man," I said with great approval.
"That he is."
"And he understands much, to know a woman being reborn should only have other woman around her when she emerges."
The firebird cooed in agreement, then angled her head down to nibble at my hand, no, at something clutched in my hand. I held it up to Aesirs light to discover the striped snail shell.
"You are a finder, to have stumbled on such a treasure," Eden exclaimed. "A chambered nautilus. We dont see many of them here. Safire found one on the shore when she was young, I think. We keep it on the nursery mantel."
"What do you call it? A chaem-ber-ed naut-ee-lus?"
She nodded, I looked back at the shell, traced its spiral with my fingertip, remembered how my mother had made me hang on to it, I lifted the opening to my ear. The endless song of the sea echoed within, tear sprang to my eye.
"She was right," I murmured. "Wherever I go now, even when it is far inland from the sea, when I have the shell, I can hear her voice, know she is with me everywhere." I cradled the shell against my chest over my heart, wept.