When he was quite sure Katherine was asleep again, Warwick got out of bed. He took a sip of water and then walked towards the window, looking out across the great expanse of lawn that was silvered by the moonlight. He then looked back at the sleeping form of Katherine and smiled. Her dark hair had spilled out across his pillow, and she looked peaceful.
How long ago it seemed since he’d known the quiet contentment that he was feeling. His relationships of the past had always been more about fun than anything else. They passed the time nicely enough and he never had anything to complain about but then again, he’d never felt the way he felt about Katherine. There’d been one woman who came close. Alison. Warwick had met her on a research trip in Austria. She’d been sitting by the bar in the hotel and he had bought her a drink and they’d spent the whole evening talking. They’d gotten on well—they really had—and yet there hadn’t been that spark he felt with Katherine. Their relationship had lasted almost a year. She lived in Glasgow, which was a fair old way from Sussex, but they’d made the effort to meet when she was on business in London, but it had all fizzled out.
He sighed. That was as close as he’d ever come to a long-term relationship. It was rather pathetic really, considering the number of years he’d been on the planet, but perhaps things were about to change.
Watching Katherine as she slept, he thought about the confidences they’d shared in their letters and how close they’d become.
He remembered one letter in particular when she’d been feeling down about the married man she’d been involved with. David, wasn’t it? Warwick had wanted to drive up to Oxford that minute and punch him in the nose. How dare somebody upset her so much! He could still recall whole sections of the letter.
He’ll never ever know how much I loved him, she’d written. Or how much I was willing to give him. For the first time in my life, I was thinking about the future—the long-term future. I was thinking about children—can you believe it? I’m so angry with myself. How could I not have seen the man he really was?
Warwick swallowed hard as he remembered her words, but he reassured himself that he wasn’t another David. He just had a little bit of explaining to do at some point; that was all.
How he valued that openness in her! She’d held nothing back from him in her letters—well, she’d held nothing back from Lorna. They really were the very best of friends, and it was killing him that he couldn’t tell her that now. If only there was some way he could get back into bed with her and confess everything. If only he could be sure of her response.
Katherine stirred in her sleep, and he saw her eyes opening. ‘Warwick?’
‘Hello, sleepyhead.’
‘What time is it? Are you okay?’
He nodded and walked back to the bed, leaning over to stroke her face. ‘I’ve never been better,’ he said, and got back into the warm bed beside the woman he was fast falling in love with.
***
Outside in the garden, Robyn was wishing that she hadn’t left the warmth of her bed. If she’d stayed there, she wouldn’t be facing the questioning eyes of Dan, would she?
‘Okay,’ Robyn said with a sigh. ‘I’ll tell you about Jace if you really want to know.’
‘I really want to know,’ Dan said. ‘Shall we sit over there?’ he asked, motioning to a bench near the cedar tree.
Robyn nodded, and they walked across the lawn to reach it, Moby and Biscuit trotting ahead of them, taking a walk in the moonlight in their stride.
‘I don’t know where to begin,’ Robyn said.
‘The beginning’s usually a good place.’
Robyn sighed as she sat down. Her eyes had adjusted to the moonlit night, and she felt a sudden calmness, sitting under the great tree with Dan. Somehow she knew she could trust him.
‘It happened at high school,’ Robyn began. ‘You’d never believe it, but I was rather shy then.’ She looked at Dan.
‘And rather shy now,’ he said.
‘Well, a little, I guess. But imagine that tenfold. It wasn’t an easy time. I was a bit of an easy target with my hair.’
‘Your hair is beautiful,’ Dan said.
‘But it’s very easy to pull.’
‘I thought that sort of thing only happened at primary school.’
‘You don’t know the type of high school I went to,’ Robyn said, remembering the constant teasing and endless jokes made about her long locks. ‘Anyway, this isn’t about my hair. Well, it began with my hair, I suppose. Jason—Jace—came to my rescue when beastly Ben Harris was making my life a living hell one lunchtime.’
‘What happened?’
‘Jace punched him.’
‘Oh!’
‘He got a week’s worth of detentions. He was lucky he wasn’t suspended, really or expelled.’
‘And that’s why you fell for him? Jace the hero flying to your rescue?’ Dan asked.
‘No, it wasn’t that, actually, but it certainly made me notice him. I’d known him before that, of course. We used to take the same bus to school, and everyone knew everyone else, but it was only after that that we really became friends.’
Robyn paused for a moment and looked down, noticing how bright her silver brooch looked in the moonlight.
‘You okay?’ Dan whispered.
She nodded. ‘It was that summer when things started to go wrong. My brother, Scott, had finished sixth form and was hanging around the house driving Mum crazy. She wanted him to get a job, but he just spent most of his time in bed. We all kept teasing him, saying he was a good-for-nothing lay about. Dad called him a bed potato. We laughed about it, really. We all thought he was just being a moody teenager. We didn’t realise he was ill.’
Dan frowned. ‘What happened?’
Robyn looked up at him, and there were tears in her eyes. ‘He died,’ she whispered. ‘It was all so quick. He started complaining about headaches. They were getting worse. He was having trouble with his vision and he wasn’t eating, and it turned out he had a tumour. He died a week before Christmas.’
‘God, Robyn! I’m so sorry.’
She nodded. ‘It was years ago and yet it still makes me sad to think about it. And, you see, Jace was the only good friend I had at that time. Most of my other friends seemed to just melt away. It was so horrible. I think some were afraid to talk about it, in case I broke down in front of them. They didn’t know what to say or do. And then others were sweet for a day or two—making a fuss over me with cuddles and kisses—but then they forgot about it all. For them, it was time to move on, and I couldn’t bear it because I couldn’t move on—not for ages. Scott was my only brother and I missed him every day, and Jace was the only one who seemed to understand. He got me through it. He let me talk and cry for hours. I’d tell him the same things about how I missed Scott and how guilty I felt about it being him and not me. And I must have driven him mad because I was always asking the same question over and over again—why, why?’ Robyn paused. ‘I’ve never forgotten Jace’s kindness. He was so sweet and attentive.’
Dan squeezed her hand, and they sat in silence for a moment. Finally he spoke. ‘If you don’t mind my saying, it seems to me as if Jace has never let you forget that either, from what you’ve told me about him.’
‘What do you mean?’ Robyn said with a sniff.
‘You don’t want to be with him, do you, let alone marry him? And yet you said yes.’
Robyn looked confused.
‘He’s playing on that kindness of yours. He knows you’re not happy with him yet he had the effrontery to propose to you and to expect you to say yes!’
Robyn stood up. She didn’t like the angry tone of Dan’s voice.
‘I’m sorry about your brother—I truly am. Nobody should have to go through something like that and I’m sure Jace was a good friend to you.’
‘Yes, he was,’ Robyn said.
‘But you’ve more than paid for that one kindness with years of your own, Robyn. He can’t expect any more from you. You can’t build a relationship on guilt!’
‘But he was there for me when nobody else was.’
‘So say thank you and buy him a bottle of wine.’
‘It’s not as easy as that.’
‘Why not?’ Dan asked. ‘I’ll tell you why not—because you’re not letting it be easy.’
Robyn started walking back towards the hall. She didn’t want to hear any more of this.
‘Robyn!’ Dan said as he chased after her, the dogs following at his heels.
‘You’ve got to let me sort things out by myself, Dan. I can’t think at the moment.’
‘Listen to me! Tell me you’re not going to go through with this.’
Robyn looked up at him. His face was filled with concern. ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do.’
‘That’s not good enough.’
‘Why?’ Robyn said. ‘Why are you so concerned about me and the decision I make?’
Dan gave her a look so intense that she almost stumbled backwards. ‘You have to ask me that?’ he said. ‘Don’t you know? I love you!’
‘You can’t love me. We hardly know each other.’
‘What’s that got to do with anything? You’ve known Jace for years, but you obviously don’t love him,’ he said.
‘You can’t presume to know how I feel.’
‘What are you talking about?’ Dan said. ‘You’ve more or less said how you feel about him yourself, and what the hell have you been doing with me if you’re in love with Jace? Tell me that!’
Robyn stood perfectly still and silent for a moment. ‘I don’t know,’ she said at last. She could almost feel her heart caving at the feebleness of her statement. It wasn’t what Dan deserved to hear, and she knew that it wasn’t the truth either.
‘Danny?’ a voice suddenly called across the lawn. It was Dame Pamela in a dressing gown and slippers. ‘You’ll wake everybody up! For heaven’s sake—come inside, you two.’
Robyn turned to Dan. She was desperate to say something—anything—that would give him some understanding of how she felt about him, but the moment had slipped away.
‘Oh, my dear! You’re frozen!’ Dame Pamela said as she approached them, placing an arm on Robyn’s shoulder. As soon as she made the observation, Robyn started to shiver. She watched as the great actress took in the dishevelled state of her brother, standing barefoot in the middle of the lawn with a coat gaping open to reveal his T-shirt and shorts.
‘What’s got into you two?’ Dame Pamela asked. ‘My goodness!’
‘It’s all right,’ Dan said. ‘It’s over.’
Robyn blanched at his words and watched as he took off with the dogs towards the stables.
‘Dan!’ Robyn called after him, but he didn’t stop. He didn’t even turn around. What just happened? What had she done? One minute they’d been sharing confidences and she’d felt close to him—telling him things she’d never told anyone else. The next minute, he was walking away from her, declaring it was over.
She felt hot tears stinging her eyes as she watched him go. Was that really it? She swallowed hard, and her throat felt tight and lumpy. Dame Pamela took hold of her arm and led her inside.
‘Come this way, my dear,’ she said, and Robyn had no choice but to follow. It was obvious that Dan didn’t want to talk any more that night, and Robyn was concerned that he didn’t want to talk to her ever again. What had gone wrong? She hadn’t meant for things to turn out this way, truly she hadn’t, and her heart ached when she thought of the parting look on his face.
‘What have I done?’ she said out loud.
‘Oh, you’ve probably just fallen in love,’ Dame Pamela said, ‘like we all have in our time.’
‘I’ve made such a mess of things.’
‘We’ll get them sorted,’ she said. ‘Come along now.’ She led the way up the stairs and along a corridor beyond a door marked Private. Ordinarily, Robyn would have been fascinated by a secret tour of an actress’s home, but she was feeling washed out and worn down and couldn’t muster any enthusiasm. She barely noticed the plush red carpet that lined the corridor as if leading them to some glittering premiere or the framed photographs of Dame Pamela with the great and the good. There she was with two other great dames, Judi Dench and Maggie Smith, and there with the gorgeous Rupert Penry-Jones on the set of the recent adaptation of The Importance of Being Earnest, and there she was with the dazzling Princess Diana. Robyn saw none of these, for her thoughts were turned inward.
When the two women reached a door at the end of the wing, Dame Pamela opened it.
‘We won’t be disturbed here,’ she said.
Robyn walked in and saw that it was a library. She frowned. There was a library downstairs, wasn’t there?
‘This is my own personal library,’ Dame Pamela explained, as if reading her thoughts. ‘I keep my special reading copies here.’
Reading copies, Robyn thought. So what were the books downstairs? Then again, she had several copies of each of her Jane Austen novels, didn’t she? Some were old favourites read time and time again until the spines cracked and the pages became loose. Perhaps these were Dame Pamela’s loose-paged books.
Robyn looked around the room and noticed there was a table at the far end completely covered in scripts, papers, and odd bits of jumble.
‘Do excuse the mess,’ Dame Pamela said, obviously noticing the direction Robyn was looking in. ‘Paperwork has never been my strong suit. Now, I think a little brandy is in order.’
‘Oh, no, Dame Pamela, really—’
‘Nonsense, child. Take a seat,’ she said, motioning to a beautiful dusky pink chaise lounge.
Robyn sat down. It was on odd sort of seat to be offered, and she perched on the end of it rather than sprawling down its length.
‘I always like a little brandy in the evenings,’ Dame Pamela said, and Robyn watched as the woman walked across to one of the numerous book shelves and removed a thick leather-bound copy of A Midsummer Night’s Dream and retrieved two crystal glasses and a bottle of brandy. ‘Don’t tell dear old Higgins about this,’ Dame Pamela said. ‘He thinks he’s in charge of the household spirits, and I’d be sorely reprimanded if he ever discovered my secret stash.’
Robyn watched as Dame Pamela poured two generous measures into the tumblers.
‘Here,’ she said.
‘Thank you.’ Robyn took the glass and sipped, feeling the wonderfully warming effect of the drink as soon as she swallowed.
Dame Pamela took a hefty sip of brandy and sat down in a yellow armchair opposite Robyn.
‘So, you’re in love with my little brother, eh?’
Robyn almost swallowed her second mouthful of brandy the wrong way.
‘I wouldn’t blame you,’ she went on. ‘He’s a peach, isn’t he? And he has a good heart too. Not like dreadful Julius or that appalling Gervais. I have quite a few brothers, you know, but Dan’s the only one I’d recommend to anyone.’
Robyn had to smile at that.
‘Ah, yes!’ Dame Pamela went on. ‘Love’s a wondrous thing. I’ve been in love so many times. Oh, so many times!’ she said. ‘And I still remember all my dear lovers,’ she said, her eyes misting over and her voice lowering as if she were about to divulge a secret. ‘But there’s always one who remains special, isn’t there? For me, that was—well, I don’t need to tell you his name. But he was perfect. We were so right together. Everything was an adventure, whether we were trekking in the Himalayas or shopping for groceries. We made each other laugh—all the time. It was blissful. It really was. But that’s not to say that we didn’t have our trials because we did. We fought like Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. That’s just the way life is, isn’t it? Of course we broke up,’ she said with a sigh. ‘He got married and has a rather famous son now, but you don’t need to know all that.’
Robyn wished she’d go on. It was lovely listening to her talk.
‘So, back to you, my dear,’ Dame Pamela said.
‘I’m so sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused,’ Robyn said. ‘I’m sure Jace is too. It’s just he doesn’t really think things through. It’s a difficult time for us, you see.’
‘And all this nonsense with him proposing!’ Dame Pamela said. ‘What was all that about? I mean, he went about it the right way. I’ve never seen anything so impressive in my life. But he must know you don’t love him.’
Robyn nodded woefully. ‘I think that’s exactly why he did it.’
‘And you said yes!’
‘I know!’ Robyn said, hanging her head in shame. It was like being cross-questioned by Dan all over again. ‘And I don’t have any answers.’
‘What do you mean, you don’t have any answers? You must know why you said yes.’
Robyn took a deep breath. ‘Everyone expected me to.’
‘Oh, rot!’
Robyn flinched at Dame Pamela’s response.
‘You shouldn’t have felt pressured by a bunch of strangers into saying something that went against your better judgement although I can see why you did it. I dread to think what that chap of yours might have done if you’d said no, but you must think about the future here, and if you don’t love him, you’ll have to tell him.’
‘I know I will,’ Robyn said.
‘Look, my dear, if you don’t mind my saying, you’re in an awful muddle, and you’re the only one who can get yourself out of it. I wish I could help you more, but I can’t. We have to sort these sorts of problems out for ourselves, don’t we? Now, get the rest of that brandy down you and get a good night’s sleep. Perhaps you’ll be able to see things clearer in the morning.’
Robyn nodded, hoping Dame Pamela was right.
‘Jace?’ she said.
‘Don’t worry about him. He’s snoring for England in the West Drawing Room.’