It is not that you wake up in the morning and you say, Now, I’m going to be envious. It just rises spontaneously,” the Archbishop began, once again arguing for the naturalness of our emotions and for self-compassion. “I mean you get up, and you’re trying to be a good person and that guy goes past yet again, for the third time this week, in his Mercedes-Benz or some other very nice car. You have been trying not to feel jealous each time he passes with his car, but this feeling just comes up.”
Comparison is indeed human—even beyond human; it is natural throughout the animal world. As the Dalai Lama would point out, even dogs that are eating together peacefully can suddenly start comparing the size of their portion to another’s, and a fight can break out with barking and the gnashing of teeth. But it is for humans that envy can become a source of great dissatisfaction. There is a Tibetan Buddhist teaching that says what causes suffering in life is a general pattern of how we relate to others: “Envy toward the above, competitiveness toward the equal, and contempt toward the lower.”
Fairness seems to be hardwired into our genes, and so we are very uncomfortable with inequality of any sort. Primatologist Frans de Waal has a video of an experiment with capuchin monkeys, our distant relatives who are often used in psychological tests as proxies for humans. In the video, which has gone wildly viral, one of the small-headed, long-limbed gray monkeys gives the experimenter a rock and then receives a cucumber slice as payment. The monkey is quite happy to do this over and over, until he sees his neighbor perform the same rock-giving task but receive a grape. In the world of capuchin monkeys, a grape is a better, sweeter food than a cucumber. Perhaps for humans, too. After the first monkey sees his neighbor getting a grape, he performs the rock-giving task yet again, although even more eagerly this time, his head now perking up in expectation at his grape reward. However, as required in this experiment of social comparisons, the experimenter gives the first monkey another cucumber instead of a grape.
The capuchin looks at the cucumber in his hand, pulling his head back in seeming disbelief, and then throws the cucumber back at the experimenter. In uncontrollable rage, the monkey grabs the bars of the cage and shakes them. This video became popular during the time of the Wall Street protests in the United States because it so succinctly and poignantly revealed how our fundamental instincts for fairness work and why inequality is stressful and damaging to a society.
The Archbishop and the Dalai Lama spoke frequently through the week of dialogues about the need to address inequality on the societal level. Yet however much we address these large global imbalances, as the Archbishop has pointed out, there will always be people who have more than we do, or who are more successful, or who are more talented or smarter or better-looking.
Usually, we don’t actually compare ourselves to the hedge fund billionaire or to the genius scientist or to the supermodel. We tend to compare ourselves to those who are in our social circle. As the old saying goes, “If you want to be poor, find some rich friends. If you want to be rich, find some poor friends.” Keeping up with the Joneses happens within a peer group.
Jinpa told me that in the 1990s the United States gave green cards to about a thousand Tibetans in India as part of a special program for refugees. When these Tibetans started sending dollars back to their families, their neighbors started to get jealous because suddenly these families had more disposable income and could renovate their homes or buy their children motorbikes. It’s not that those families who had no one in the States had become poorer; it’s that their neighbors with family in the States had suddenly become richer.
According to the happiness research, “upward comparisons” are particularly corrosive to our well-being. Envy doesn’t leave room for joy. The Tibetan word for envy is trakdok, which means “heavy or constricted shoulders,” and indeed the feeling of envy leaves one with a pinched feeling of discontent and resentment, tinged with guilt. Buddhism sees envy as so corrosive that it compares it to a venomous snake that poisons us. In the Judeo-Christian tradition, one of the Ten Commandments forbids “coveting” thy neighbor’s house.
The Archbishop and the Dalai Lama were in disagreement about how to respond to envy, with the Archbishop coming down on the side of acceptance and self-forgiveness. “I mean, you don’t really have a great deal of control over it. I think, far too frequently, we are too hard on ourselves. We forget that many of these things affect all of us universally. I would hope that we could help people dissipate the guilt that they also tend to have, because almost everybody, when they are feeling envious, also has guilt attached to it. I would say the thing that we want to be saying to God’s children out there is, For goodness’ sake, there are things about us that we do not control.”
The Archbishop then went on to offer a powerful remedy for envy: gratitude. “I think that one of the best ways you can begin to counter it is that old one of counting your blessings. That might sound very old, old, old, old, old, grandfather-style, but yes, it does help. You know you might not have as big a house as that person, but you know what? You’re not living in a shack. So being thankful for the things that you do in fact have can help.”
And then he offered another remedy: motivation. “Certainly with envy, it can also be a spur, you know? It can help you say, I haven’t got a car or a house like that guy, so why don’t I aim to work to try and get something like that?” As the Archbishop and the Dalai Lama had said, these external goals will not bring us true joy or lasting happiness, but motivation to improve our situation is certainly better than envy of someone else’s.
And then the Archbishop offered his final and most effective remedy: reframing. “The very best is being able to ask yourself, ‘Why do I want to have a house that has seven rooms when there are only two or three of us? Why do I want to have it?’ And you can turn it on its head and look at how we are in such a mess with climate change because of our galloping consumption, which for the environment has been nothing less than disastrous. So you buy the small electric car instead, and you say, no I don’t need or want that big luxury car. So instead of it being your enemy, now it’s your ally.”
Jinpa translated what the Archbishop had said for the Dalai Lama.
“That’s exactly what I said,” the Archbishop said, and laughed.
“Fortunately, you do not understand Tibetan,” the Dalai Lama shot back with a quick smile. And then I saw him do what each of them did throughout the dialogues when they would come to a point of disagreement: reaffirm the relationship and compliment the other. It made me think of relationship scientists John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman’s observation that in successful conflict there is a “softened start-up,” or a delicate entry into the area of disagreement.
“So I think, from my viewpoint, my spiritual brother’s explanation is wonderful, wonderful. You see, at the moment that envy or jealousy develops, you no longer can maintain your peace of mind. So jealousy actually destroys your peace of mind. Then that jealousy can become corrosive to the relationship. Even with your good friend, if you develop some sort of jealousy, it will be very harmful to your friendship. Even with husband and wife, if some kind of jealousy develops, it will be very harmful to the marriage. We can see it even with dogs that are eating in a happy atmosphere peacefully, but if one becomes jealous of what another has—conflict, fighting.
“It is important to cultivate any emotion that brings joyfulness and peace of mind. Any sort of emotion that disturbs this happiness and peace of mind, we must learn to avoid right from the beginning.
“I think it is a mistake just to consider all of these negative emotions, like anger or jealousy, as normal parts of our mind, something we cannot do much about. Too many negative emotions destroy our own peace of mind, our health, and create trouble in our family, with our friends, and in our community.
“Often envy comes because we are too focused on material possessions and not on our true inner values. When we focus on experience or knowledge, there is much less envy. But most important is to develop a sense of concern for others’ well-being. If you have genuine kindness or compassion, then when someone gets something or has more success you are able to rejoice in their good fortune. For a person who is committed to compassion practice and a genuine sense of concern for others’ well-being, then you will rejoice in others’ good fortune because you will be happy that what that person aspires for is being obtained.”
The Dalai Lama was describing the Buddhist concept of mudita, which is often translated as “sympathetic joy” and described as the antidote to envy. Mudita is so important in Buddhism that it is considered one of the Four Immeasurables, qualities we can cultivate infinitely. The other three are loving-kindness, compassion, and equanimity.
Jinpa had explained how mudita works: If someone has something that we want, say, a bigger house, we can consciously take joy in their good fortune by telling ourselves: “Good for him. Just like me, he, too, wants to be happy. He, too, wants to be successful. He, too, wants to support his family. May he be happy. I congratulate him and want him to have more success.” Mudita recognizes that life is not a zero-sum game, that there is not just one slice of cake in which someone else’s taking more means we get less. Mudita sees joy as limitless.
As mentioned earlier, mudita is also the opposite feeling to schadenfreude, the German word for the feeling of satisfaction or pleasure in hearing of others’ misfortune. Schadenfreude sees us in a constant struggle of one against all others, and if someone else succeeds or accomplishes something, then we are somehow diminished, less successful, less acceptable, less lovable. Schadenfreude is a natural outgrowth of envy. Mudita is a natural outgrowth of compassion.
Mudita is based on the recognition of our interdependence, or Ubuntu. The Archbishop explains that in African villages, one would ask in greeting, “How are we?” This understanding sees that someone else’s achievements or happiness is in a very real way our own. The Archbishop frequently marvels at the extraordinary beauty and talent that we humans have. “Look how beautiful you all are,” he will say to a gathered crowd. Unfortunately, however, most of us want to cut others down to our self-perceived size, and we see ourselves as so terribly small and weak. When we remember our interdependence, we discover we are so incredibly large and strong.
“There is an old story from the time of the Buddha,” the Dalai Lama said. “One day a king invited the Buddha and his monks for lunch. On his way to the palace, the Buddha passed by a beggar who was praising the king and smiling as he spoke of the beauty of the palace. After the king’s servants served a long meal, with many courses, to the Buddha and his gathering of monks, the time came for making the dedication. The Buddha chanted a prayer to dedicate the merit, or the good karma, of the meal. However, instead of dedicating the merit of the host, the king who made the generous offering of the meal to the Buddha and his assembly, which was the custom, the Buddha chose the beggar standing outside. Shocked, one of his senior monks asked the Buddha why he chose the beggar for his dedication prayer. The Buddha replied that the king was filled with pride in showing off his kingdom, while the beggar, who had nothing, was able to rejoice in the king’s good fortune. For this reason the beggar had created more merit than the king. Even today in Thailand they maintain this tradition of dedicating the merit of the offering of a meal. During my visit to Thailand in the early 1970s I had the honor to participate in one such lunch, where one of the senior monks said prayers and offered the dedication. So rejoicing in others’ good fortune really brings a lot of positive benefits.”
“How,” I asked the Dalai Lama, “do people cultivate mudita?”
“Firstly, we should recognize our shared humanity. These are our human brothers and sisters, who have the same right and the same desire to have a happy life. This is not a spiritual thing. It is simply common sense. We are part of the same society. We are part of the same humanity. When humanity is happy, we will be happy. When humanity is peaceful, our own lives are peaceful. Just like if your family is happy, you are better off.
“If we have a strong sense of ‘I and they,’ it is hard to practice mudita. We must develop the sense of ‘we.’ Once you’re able to develop that sense of common humanity and the oneness of humanity, then naturally you will want all others to be free from suffering and enjoy happiness. The desire for happiness is a natural instinct shared by everyone. It is simply a sense of concern once again for others’ well-being.”
“Obviously, envy is not a virtue,” the Archbishop said, cautious once again that our self-development might lead to self-reproach. “Yet I would hope we would not make someone feel guilty, at least initially, about something that springs up spontaneously. You can’t do very much about that feeling, but you can counter it.”
“Like physical illness,” the Dalai Lama insisted. “Preventive measures are the best way. Yes, if some disease has already developed, then there’s no other choice but to take medicine. So similarly, once a person develops a strong negative emotion, like anger or jealousy, it is very difficult to counter it at that moment. So the best thing is to cultivate your mind through practice so that you can learn to prevent it from arising in the first place. For example, the major source of anger is frustration and dissatisfaction. At the moment when an emotion like anger is full-blown, even if we try to use our experience and our knowledge to reduce it, we will find it is very difficult to stop. At that point it is like a flood. During monsoon season, it is too late to stop the flooding. We need to start early in the spring and investigate what is causing the flooding and try to build flood walls to prevent disaster.
“Similarly, for our mental health also, the earlier we start practicing preventive measures, the easier and more effective they are. When we are already sick it is hard to remember our doctor’s advice. I think no doctor would say, If you have more anger, you will be healthier. Does your doctor say that?”
“No,” the Archbishop agreed.
“Doctors always advise us to relax. Relax means calm mind. Not too much agitation, which will destroy your relaxation. Also, too much attachment will destroy your peace of mind,” the Dalai Lama said, returning again to envy and jealousy. “You can have a nice house with a nice bedroom and a nice bath, and play relaxing music, but if you are full of anger, full of jealousy, full of attachment, you will never be able to relax. In contrast, you may be sitting on a rock with nothing, but if your mind is completely peaceful, then you can be relaxed.”
Jinpa told me that there is a memorable verse in a well-known Tibetan text by the first Panchen Lama. This is a beautiful prayer that Jinpa uses to cultivate mudita:
As for suffering I do not wish even the slightest;
as for happiness I am never satisfied.
In this, there is no difference between others and me.
Bless me so I may take joy in others’ happiness.