If women can … so can men.
The fashion world is sitting up and giggling over the latest ‘breakthrough’ in men’s wear – the bulge pants! Not only is the crotch padded up to present a more enhanced appearance, there is a version that also lifts up a sagging butt and makes the wearer feel like John Abraham in Yash Johar’s 2008 film Dostana directed by Tarun Mansukhani. Those expressing reservations over the issue (mainly, conservative idiots) are being reminded that such tricks are as old as the hills. From cod pieces worn by Victorian gentlemen to bananas stuffed into underpants by rock stars like Mick Jagger, men have always tried to draw attention to what’s between their legs. Perhaps to distract from what’s between their ears.
Women have done the same with their obsession with breasts … what God didn’t provide, a surgeon today is more than happy to oblige. And in Raakhi Sawant’s famous words: ‘Joh dikhta hai, woh bikta hai.’ In other words, if you don’t have it, but still want to flaunt it, go right ahead with a l’il help from friendly, neighbourhood doctors and designers.
Reports indicate the newly launched Bulge Pants are flying off the shelves. Men in Britain are rushing to the mass market store that has introduced them this season, while wives and girlfriends are also gifting these sexy trousers to their guys. Women’s lingerie has never shied away from promoting ‘uplifts’. That engineering marvel known as the ‘Wonderbra’ has saved countless ladies from the shame of not possessing the prerequisites to pull off a daring décolleté gown. With smart underwiring and the required stuffing, even for the most sagging breast-challenged woman can convincingly appear well-endowed in public – the bra is that fantastically structured.
Men have been less neurotic about pumping up their equipment, but in today’s competitive zamana all that is rapidly changing. Some of you may recall David Beckham’s ad for Armani briefs which had brought traffic to a halt when it debuted as a gigantic billboard in New York. There were dozens of articles in the press wondering about the err … family jewels. Was David really and truly that blessed? Were his best assets all his? Or were they photo-shopped? Only his wife knew for sure! And trust Posh Beckham to issue a bold statement to disbelievers, assuring them it really was David all the way! And wasn’t she one lucky woman to enjoy such an incomparable gift? A pity those assets didn’t help Beckham too much as a star footballer in America, but her testimony did win him several new fans (of both genders) to say nothing of fresh advertising deals. However, a few prudish international destinations did tone down David’s box in the hoardings, so as not to send locals into a collective sexual frenzy leading to road accidents!
In India, we continue to feign shock and awe when male models on the ramp strut their stuff in nothing more modest than skimpy inner wear worn as outer wear. Crudely put – men in chaddis somehow raise more eyebrows than women in bikinis. Women are ‘allowed’ to pour out of their garments and wardrobe malfunctions don’t really shock anybody (a nipple here, a nipple there … big deal!) any more. But look at what happened to Johnny Boy when he pulled down the waist band of his bright yellow trunks to show three inches of – oh no – not what you are fantasizing. We are talking buttocks. Since that seminal cinematic moment when desi heroes decided to objectify themselves and compete with their heroines for skin display, eye candy awards, nothing has been the same again.
This season’s pants are telling their own story. The Bodymax collection launched by Marks & Spencer is making the most outrageous promises that claim a 38 per cent visual enhancement of a man’s ‘integral shelf’ (don’t you just love that crazy description?). M&S also claim these pants deliver ‘real results’. How?
After ‘Choli ke peechay kya hai …’ some canny Bollywood type is bound to compose a male version that goes, ‘Patloon ke peechay kya hai…?’
In the interests of gender equality … why not?