Later that night, Kennedy sat in the circle of the AA meeting. Diandra’s bounce was gone. Brad was buried in his phone, his suit and coat impeccable. Kennedy recognized a few people from her last meeting. The one where she bared her soul.
She wasn’t sure if she should even come back, but something drew her here. Something unresolved.
Betty was reading from the Big Book today. Kennedy had missed a few meetings, so they’d moved on without her. They were talking about leaving the past behind.
Kennedy had spent so much time blaming herself for everything that happened over the years. It was hard to get sober when you carried the baggage of the past around like a lead balloon.
When Betty finished reading, she looked at Diandra. “Would you like to share?”
“My name is Diandra, and I’m an alcoholic.” Diandra’s eyes filled with tears. “Zeke left.”
“I’m sorry.” Betty really did look sorry, even though she had to know it was coming.
“He said I’m no fun anymore now that I don’t drink. He said that he loves some girl named Seduction and he wants to marry her. What kind of name is Seduction? Unless you’re a porn star.” Diandra shook her head. “She is a porn star, but, whatever.”
“Did you have a drink?”
“No.” Diandra gave a small, watery smile. “I didn’t. I decided if he doesn’t like me sober, he doesn’t like me for me.”
“Good for you,” Betty said.
“Yeah.” Diandra nodded as fresh tears flowed. “It just hurts. He told me he loved me, then a couple days later, he was gone.”
“That has nothing to do with you. That man doesn’t like himself.” Kennedy heard the words, and was shocked to hear them in her voice. But it was true. “Men like that hurt others because they’re broken and they want you to be broken, too.”
“I don’t want to be broken anymore.” Diandra swipe at her cheeks.
“And you’re not.” Betty smiled. “I call this a big win. You didn’t let yourself backslide. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.”
Diandra nodded, wiping away more tears with the back of her hand.
“Anyone else want to share?”
Kennedy raised her hand. “My name is Kennedy and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Hi, Kennedy.”
“It’s been three hours since I wanted a drink and almost ten months since I’ve had one. I used to try to numb the pain with a well-placed drink. But getting stabbed—” Pause for gasps. “—made me realize that pain is a part of life. Trying to numb it is only making it worse. I need to embrace it. So I’m going back to school. I’ve spent too much time trying to stop the chaos after it’s in full swing. I want to help people and children before the chaos takes hold. I want to jump into the pain instead of trying to outrun it.”
Betty tilted her head. “It sounds like you’re moving on.”
“Yeah.” She was moving on, she was doing what she needed to do to make herself happy, and she was ready to cut out anything that didn’t. Because even though she’d made mistakes over the years, she deserved more than she was letting herself have. She was done paying for the guilt of the past.