11.

When the sky sours to the colour of lemons, I watch darkness spreading and press against my shell. I break free on my third try — stone dust falls like a cloud — and I head straight for the aviary. There’s no point looking for Stella, I imagine she’ll stay inside her house like last time.

But I’m wrong. Turning the corner, she’s standing there in jeans and a puffer jacket, arms folded. She’s staring at me, not moving. Autumn leaves rustle along the path, blowing around her ankles, and the redwoods roar above us, twisting with the dark wind.

I take a deep breath. ‘You shouldn’t go into the rhododendron gardens, not at night. The same goes for the aviary, nothing past the redwood grove or the South African gardens, okay?’

She blinks; whatever she came to say gets pushed back for a moment. ‘Why not?’

‘I can’t tell you.’

But if we never talk again, at least she’s been warned. I owed her that much. Stella’s staring and I hear myself asking, ‘Why were you looking for me?’

I sounded too hopeful and she snaps, ‘Why do you think? You ran off so fast, I — I need to hear you say it. I’m right, aren’t I? You took my grandfather’s memories, didn’t you?’

‘Yes. I think so.’

Her fists tighten, screwed into balls. ‘Good. At least it’s not some stupid brain disease.’

I blink at her. ‘You think that’s good?’

‘You took away his memories, but I don’t think you remember doing it. Now you can give them back. Fix him.’

I’ve got an urge to walk back down the path, but I force myself to stay put. ‘I can’t.’

She folds her arms. ‘Of course you can.’ She points towards her house. ‘Go inside and make him better again. Do it.’

‘No, I told you — I can’t.’

Stella stares at me and her hands open and close, like she’s trying to find something to grab onto, her fingers scraping the air. Her face squeezes, and the lips burst open. ‘Why?’

‘Why can’t I fix him?’ I shrug. ‘I don’t know how.’

‘No — why did you do it?’

I can’t answer.

‘What?’ she demands. ‘You were hungry? Well that’s not a good reason.’ She stomps forward a single step and shouts, ‘You know why!’

Inside me every heartbeat slaps my ribs. What’s going on? I can’t think of a single word. Turning away, I stare at the shrubbery. Lilies grow between the tree roots, their thick stems like long fingers, clawing at the air with curled, white nails.

‘Fine, I’ll tell you why.’ Stella leans forward, almost spitting. ‘Because you’re a monster who attacks helpless old men. That’s the truth. Just admit it!’

It’s beating harder now. ‘Stella, stop.’

But her voice rises higher. ‘You’re an evil, messed up freak …’

‘Shut up!’ Words explode from my chest like the Leith in flood, dragging debris and mud. ‘You want to know why? I ate him because he was there. I ate him because I need to eat or I’ll die. That’s what I do!’

Her mouth drops open. Silence comes out. Nothing else.

Somewhere, an owl cries, his voice trembling on the wind and echoing across the valley. Behind the giant weeping willows, the Leith rolls past, its teeth chattering over the icy stones. Under moonlight they appear white like tiny bones, the river’s spine visible under the clear current, and I wish I was down there, sitting by the water, anywhere but here.

Instead I’m alone with Stella and the words that just came out of my mouth. I swallow hard. ‘I didn’t mean to take so many. I must’ve been hungry. I kept going back …’

She snaps at me, her mouth biting the air. ‘You’re disgusting.’

Sensations drop inside me like falling stones. ‘What’re you saying? I should starve to death?’

‘Yes! I mean, maybe …’ She frowns. ‘I don’t know, but what you did isn’t right. Granddad’s so confused all the time, he’s not there any more, not on the inside — you took him away from us.’

She’s right, I remember him screaming in Stella’s hallway. The thoughts were missing, but I could taste the sound of scrambled memories and images, more animal than human. Worse, I’d heard the same scream before, only fainter, echoing through the park. That old man must’ve been suffering, out of his mind with confusion, and all because of me. Swallowing hard, I ignore the tumbling rocks inside me, another landslide. ‘Look, I told you, I was hungry. I can’t remember all of it. I didn’t mean to do it.’ She stares at me blankly, giving me nothing.

Did I mean to do it? I can’t really be sure.

I don’t remember how it happened. Maybe I don’t want to. I think I got the old man to open the gate. We must’ve met before. But this time, I’d taken too many memories. How could I do that? But I’d never cared.

Not until I met Stella.

Why is that?

She shakes her head. ‘You can’t do that to people!’

I can’t show her I’m sorry. I deserve to live too, don’t I? I need to convince us both. For some reason my fingers twist into balls, like I’m hiding feelings inside my closed hands. ‘Why? What’s the option? Starving?’

And then I hear her name, struggling against the wind. ‘Stella?’ a woman’s voice, far away, keeps calling.

For a moment Stella doesn’t seem to hear it, but then she sighs. ‘I have to go.’ She takes a sharp breath, rough over her teeth. Moving backwards, she takes one step away and then another, like the voice has an involuntary pull, but her eyes stay on me.

I glance along the path towards her house. ‘So? Go on then.’

‘I’m not done with you.’ Her lips pull back as she speaks, tight with anger, and those small white teeth remind me of river stones, as if the Leith were snarling at me. ‘I haven’t even begun. And when I’ve finished, you’ll be sorry you ever met me.’