Just do it.
I’m ready. And it’s okay. Maybe it’s better this way. But then I hear her voice.
“Lauren.”
It seems to lift up from deep inside my dreams. My eyes open and I see that Lauren has heard it, too. It’s real. She’s here.
It’s not over. Maybe I knew it couldn’t be. Not here. Not now. I stepped up to that line between life and death. I felt my will slipping away. But the truth is that I already crossed it, a long time ago. And everything since then has been a dream. Like someone else pulling the strings that move me through this game with my brother. That drag me ever forward, no matter how painful each step has been.
I look at Lauren. I see her eyes wide with shock. I think about what I’ve done to her. How I’ve treated her. I hurt her, physically. I can still feel her hair between my fingers. I can still see her skin touching those rotting bones. I can still feel the thrill of it. And it sickens me.
That is not who I am. I know that. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I never have. I’ve just wanted to be normal. To feel smart. Strong. For so long, I looked up to my brother and just wanted to be him. But that was before I understood that I didn’t have to be. I could be myself. I could be kind without being weak. I could be quiet without being soft.
As I look at her, I can feel the years behind me. They tickle the back of my neck, teasing. They shed away and I see Drew. My father. My mother. Like they are standing right in front of me. And I wonder: Did I understand? Is it real? Or have I made it all up?
“Put the gun down,” she says.
And Lauren does. As it lowers, I reach out, gently wrapping my fingers around the barrel. Her grip loosens and she lets me take the pistol from her. I look at it for a second, the way it fits my hand, and I wonder if I could have done it. Could I have pulled the trigger? I just don’t know.
Letting the air out of my lungs, I slip the gun behind my back. Lauren is staring at me. Willing me to tell her this isn’t happening. That my brother’s wife, Patsy, isn’t standing behind her.