As I watch Lauren walking down to the Audi, Patsy touches my hand. I turn and there are tears in her eyes.
“He . . . did that . . . to you?”
“What?” I ask.
“Everything you just said. Did he . . . ?”
I thought of Marci Simmons and how I reacted when she thought the same thing. This time, I just shake my head.
“But is it so different?” I whisper.
I immediately regret what I said. But Patsy surprises me when she says, “I don’t know.”
I think about what I did. What Drew and I did. And I see that Patsy is thinking about the same thing. Trying to understand. She has probably done that a million times since I told her. But I know she never will. And I’ll never fully understand her pain, either. That’s the horrible truth of abuse. It shackles you alone, in the dark, no matter how much you talk about it. Or don’t.
That’s why I changed the plans. That’s how I finally figured it out. How I knew that I was the only one who could end this.
“Liam . . . Come back, okay?”
“I will,” I say, looking into her eyes. “I promise.”
We watch each other for a moment.
“I need you to hide out,” I say. “Stay away until this is over. I had meant to send Lauren away before you got here. I just . . .” I glance back at my mother’s headstone. “I just got distracted. But he knows you’re involved. If I mess this up, he’ll come for you. You need to be ready, okay? Promise me that.”
“Look, we can still figure this out. My father knows the federal prosecutor. We can go to him. Maybe—”
“It’s too late for that, Patsy. You know it is.”
“It’s . . .”
“Don’t forget what he’s done. What he’s capable of. You want him thinking your family is involved, too? That they’re against him? Do you want to take that chance?”
“If it—”
I grab her arms. “Patsy, just trust me. Please.” I force myself to smile. “I’m not as stupid as he thinks.”
The corners of her mouth turn up, too. “I never once thought you were stupid, Liam. Far from it.”
I look down to her Audi. I can just make out the outline of Lauren sitting in the passenger seat now. Patsy looks down, too. Her head shakes slowly.
“So I guess I’m supposed to just drive her to my husband, huh? That seems wrong. On many levels, Liam. But . . . I’ll do it. Because I do trust you. More than I trust anyone else right now. Just . . . Promise me. Promise you’ll be careful. And that you’ll come back. Okay?”
I look her in the eyes. “I promise.”
Patsy’s arms wrap around me. Part of me has dreamed of this moment. Wished that one day I could feel her against me. But it is like all dreams; when my eyes open, I know it isn’t real. I realize that I never wanted it to be. That it was never close to being about that, no matter what my brother said. I pull back and see everything so clearly now.
“One other thing,” I say. “Can I borrow your phone?”
“My phone?”
I nod. And she hands it to me without hesitating. We look at each other for a moment. Then she hugs me again. I let her hold me. I smell her skin. I feel her warmth. I wish I could bury myself in them both, but not as I am now. Instead, I wish, for a second, that I am just a little kid again. And I could let her hold me, shield me. Protect me from everything that is to come. Everything that already has come to pass.