Juliana stretched her arms above her head, perplexed and vaguely disorientated by the peculiar sensation of actually feeling well rested. She’d only intended to doze, but now her chamber was dark, the only light spilling in from a torch in the gallery outside.
She rolled over and propped herself up on one elbow, frowning at the yellow puddle of light on the floor. There was something out of place about it, as if it shouldn’t be there, but what was so strange about torchlight? Nothing at all except... She sat up with a jolt. The door was open!
She sprang off the bed, hurtling out of her room and across the gallery before skidding to a surprised halt. Her father was sleeping peacefully in his bed with Lothar settled in a chair beside him, his stern features overshadowed by the hand resting on his forehead. She took a few cautious steps closer, wondering if there’d been some mistake and someone had left her door open by accident. Was Lothar asleep? He wasn’t moving, though he didn’t look particularly relaxed—not that she expected him to. It was almost impossible to imagine him without that air of dangerous, tightly leashed tension. She leaned forward. How would he react if he woke up and saw her?
‘I owe you an apology, my lady.’
She jumped at the sound of his voice, embarrassed to have been caught looking at him. Peering closer, she could see shards of silver-grey shimmering between the gaps in his fingers, as if he’d been watching her as she’d been studying him. He must have known she was there the whole time.
‘An apology?’ It took her a moment to realise the significance of his words.
‘Yes.’
He sat up, dropping his hand from his face wearily. He still looked stern, but his earlier anger seemed to have dissipated, replaced by an air of almost mournful sadness, as if... She glanced quickly towards the bed. There was only one thing that could have changed his mind so completely.
‘He woke up?’
‘A while ago.’
She was half-afraid to ask her next question. ‘How was he?’
‘He asked for your mother.’
‘Oh.’ Her vision blurred. ‘He often thinks that I’m her. I used to correct him, but it only made him more upset. Now I just pretend.’
He nodded and glanced away, as if giving her a chance to control herself. ‘Ulf gave him some of your remedy. At least now I know why you keep such powerful medicines to hand.’
She brushed a hand across her eyes. ‘I don’t want to give them to him. I want him to wake up and be himself again, but he’s confused and in pain more and more. I can’t bear to see that.’ She paused. ‘Do you think it’s wrong of me?’
‘No. You’re taking care of him.’
‘I’m trying to.’
‘For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I accused you of anything else.’
‘Thank you.’
She took a chair on the opposite side of the bed, watching him from beneath her lashes. His eyes were hooded, though she could sense that he was still watching her, too. She had the impression that they were both seeing each other in a new light.
‘I thought you were leaving.’
‘So did I.’ He leaned back in his chair and sighed. ‘We seem to go around in circles, Lady Juliana. First you imprison me, then you release me, then I imprison you and now...’ He blew air from between his teeth. ‘Is there anything else you’ve neglected to tell me about? Is Stephen hiding in one of your stables?’
‘No.’ She smiled despite herself.
‘Good. Because I don’t want any more lies between us. We’re in this together now.’
‘What do you mean?’ She looked up again hopefully. Had he changed his mind about sending her to Matilda for punishment then? Was he going to help her? He was regarding her levelly.
‘I’m still here, aren’t I?’
‘What about Sir Guian?’
‘He’s gone.’
‘Gone?’
His lips twitched. ‘He was as surprised about it as you are. I sent him back to the Empress.’
‘But won’t he tell her about my father?’
‘He can’t tell her something he doesn’t know. That’s why I sent him away.’
‘You mean...’ She could hardly believe what she was hearing. ‘You mean you’re not telling her?’
‘No, I’m just not telling her yet. Some news is best delivered in person. For the time being, this is our secret.’
She felt a flicker of something like triumph, as if she’d just won an important piece in a game of chess. She wasn’t sure who she was playing against, but she’d won the piece all the same. He’d chosen to stay with her rather than rush back to Matilda. Not that she understood why...
‘Surely you could have left me here with Sir Guian while you told her?’ She tried to sound uninterested.
‘I could have.’ He gave her a look that she couldn’t interpret. ‘But I didn’t. I owe your father better than that.’
‘Oh. Yes.’ A stab of guilt mingled with disappointment. Of course he’d stayed for her father—just as he should have. It was selfish of her to hope otherwise. Her father was what mattered after all, not this strange attraction, or whatever it was, she seemed to feel towards Lothar.
‘Then I’m grateful. I know I don’t deserve your help, but l thank you for it anyway.’
He leaned forward suddenly, resting his forearms on his knees as he fixed her with a hard stare.
‘Why didn’t you tell me? The rest I can understand, but not that. What was the point of still pretending your father was dead after you surrendered? I told you he was my friend. Why didn’t you ask me for help?’
‘Because I didn’t need help.’ The words came out by habit.
‘You were half-killing yourself taking care of him. What use would you have been to anyone then?’
She stiffened defensively. ‘I told you, I made a promise to Stephen. If people had found out he let my father go without a ransom, then it would have looked like weakness. I owed him for that. I’d already failed him in every other way by surrendering to you. I thought that I could still keep that part of my promise.’
‘Even at your father’s expense?’
She winced. ‘I was with him almost the whole time in the taproom. I made him as comfortable as I could.’
‘You still could have trusted me.’
‘I couldn’t take the risk! I know I’ve been holding the castle unlawfully. That’s ten times worse than defying Sir Guian. Sick or not, my father’s still alive. Haword should still be his to command.’ She looked down at her hands. ‘Besides, it wasn’t that I didn’t trust you, but I thought you’d tell the Empress. I was afraid that she’d punish my men for helping me.’
‘She wouldn’t.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because I know her.’ He shook his head remonstratively. ‘You should have asked me for help. It’s not a weakness to ask.’
‘Maybe not for a man, but most men already think women are incapable of acting without their help. Asking for it only reinforces that.’
‘I’ve never said you were incapable.’
‘You didn’t have to.’
A moan from the bed interrupted them and she bit her lip, waiting for her father to settle again before standing up and beckoning for Lothar to follow her to the window embrasure.
‘You’ve made your opinion about my abilities perfectly obvious.’ She swung round to hiss at him. ‘You undermine me in front of my men, you refuse to fight me...’
‘That wasn’t intended as an insult.’
‘You think that a woman ought to be delicate and refined like Matilda. If I were more of a lady then maybe you’d think I was fit to be chatelaine.’
‘It’s obvious that you’ve never met the Empress, my lady. No one has ever called her delicate before.’
She snorted derisively and he frowned.
‘Why don’t you like her?’
‘I’ve never met her.’ She tensed, caught off guard by the question. ‘Why wouldn’t I like her?’
‘I don’t know. Perhaps you resent her?’
‘You mean for doing nothing to help my father when he needed her?’
‘I told you, she had no men to spare.’
‘Then perhaps I’m just sick of coming second!’ She couldn’t restrain the truth any longer. ‘My father would have razed this castle to the ground rather than fail her. Is it any wonder that I resent her?’
‘No.’ He looked sombre. ‘Your father was loyal by nature, but didn’t you ever think that he was acting on your behalf, too? He believed that a woman was capable of ruling the country. Maybe he thought that if Matilda succeeded, then you could, too. You’re very similar.’
‘What?’
‘You remind me of her. Maybe not in looks, but in spirit.’
She gaped in astonishment. What did that mean, that she reminded him of the woman he loved? Of course he had to qualify the statement by mentioning her appearance, but was that a good or a bad thing?
‘You’re brave like her, too. Not many men would have ridden into an enemy camp on their own.’
His gaze seemed smoky and she dropped her own quickly.
‘I had to. I should never have let Father ride into battle, but I didn’t know how to stop him either. Everything he said seemed to make sense, but when he charged off on his own I knew I’d made a terrible mistake. When he was knocked down he hit his head...’ She shook hers at the memory. ‘I had to try to get him back.’
‘You met with Stephen?’
‘Yes. It wasn’t hard to convince him that Father was sick. After the way he’d behaved, it was obvious something was wrong.’
‘So you gave your allegiance in exchange for your father?’ He seemed to sway closer towards her. ‘You know you can retract an oath given under duress. You can still rejoin the Empress.’
She gave him a barbed look. Typical that he’d think that way, as if her allegiance to Matilda were all that mattered.
‘It wasn’t given under duress.’
‘You were in an impossible situation.’
‘Yes, but Stephen was more generous than I expected. He could have refused my request, could have thrown the rest of us out of Haword, but he didn’t. He let me bring Father home. I gave my oath willingly in exchange. I gave him my word and I won’t go back on it. Father would never have done.’
‘He wouldn’t have wanted this.’
‘I know that! I know he would rather have rotted away in a dungeon than have me take sides against Matilda, but I couldn’t bear the thought of it. I have my own mind and I make my own decisions. I love him more than I care about your Empress. I couldn’t abandon him to die like that.’
There was a heavy silence between them before Lothar jerked his head at the bed.
‘Does he know?’
‘That I swore allegiance to Stephen?’ Her voice wavered slightly. ‘No. He was unconscious when I brought him back to the castle and then...there were a few times when I thought I should tell him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He doesn’t remember the battle and I couldn’t bear it if...’ She felt a sudden rush of panic. ‘You wouldn’t?’
‘No. I wouldn’t.’ His gaze slid to the bed. ‘I’ve no wish to upset him either.’
‘So you’ll still let me look after him?’
‘No. We’ll look after him. We may be on different sides of this war, but for the time being I suggest a truce.’
She felt a lump rise in her throat. For the time being... Until it was over, he meant. Which also meant that he didn’t think it would be long. He was right. As much as she’d hoped for an improvement, her father’s condition had only deteriorated in the months since she’d brought him back from Stephen’s camp. Now there was no denying the fact that he was dying, fading away before her very eyes. And when he was gone—she felt as though an icy hand were clutching her heart—when he was gone she’d be all alone in the world, without a home or a position or purpose—because this man had taken them all away from her. She swallowed, forcing the lump in her throat back down again. She couldn’t think about any of that just yet. Better to have a truce for now and think about everything she’d lost afterwards. She could blame Lothar and the Empress then.
‘Truce.’
‘Good. Then tell me one more thing, my lady. Have you had word from Stephen? Is he coming?’
She lifted her hand up as if to brush his question aside at the same moment as he moved slightly towards her, so that her fingers pushed inadvertently against his chest. She froze at the contact, her pulse quickening at once. She could feel his heartbeat through his tunic, accelerating almost as quickly as hers was, though surely for a different reason... She stared at her splayed fingers, somehow unable to pull them away. He felt warm and solid, the muscles of his chest flexing slightly beneath her fingertips. Every nerve in her body seemed to vibrate in response. He’d asked her a question, she remembered vaguely. Something that had shocked her at the time, though now she could barely remember it. Something about Stephen? What should she say? She couldn’t lie, not when she’d just promised that she wouldn’t, but her throat was so dry she didn’t trust herself to say anything...
‘Lady Juliana.’ The way he said her name almost made her knees buckle. ‘If you don’t answer, then I’ll be forced to assume the worst. We need to be ready, for your men’s sake as well as your father’s.’
She peeked up and let out a panting breath. His eyes were boring into hers, smoke-coloured and smouldering with white-hot intensity, as if he were feeling the same way she was. Was he? The thought made her stomach leap with excitement, but she still hadn’t answered. She had to answer, but she couldn’t, shouldn’t, do this—whatever this was.
She tore her hands away, her fingers turning numb as she did so.
‘He sent a message nine days ago saying that he’d be here in two weeks. That’s why I tried to take you prisoner. I was trying to stall your attack until then.’
‘Not a bad plan.’ His voice seemed to have gravel in it.
‘It might have worked if you hadn’t already given the order.’
‘You were still a worthy opponent, my lady.’
‘Just not good enough to win.’ Her heart misgave her. ‘Not good enough for Stephen or my father either. I’ve failed both of them.’
‘On the contrary, you did your best for them both. Sometimes our choices aren’t as clear cut as one side or another.’
‘Not just Stephen or Matilda, then?’
‘Perhaps not.’ He hesitated for a moment before clearing his throat with a husky sound. ‘I ought to go and make preparations.’
‘Yes.’ She took a step backwards, willing her pulse to slow down. ‘Of course.’
‘I won’t be long. From what Ulf tells me, you have four months’ worth of sleep to catch up on.’
‘There’s no need—’
‘There is,’ he cut her off. ‘From now on, we’ll take turns to look after him. No arguments, my lady.’
He made for the door and then stopped, half-turning his head as if another thought had just occurred to him.
‘For what it’s worth, I never meant to imply you weren’t a fit chatelaine. Under the circumstances, I’d say you were one of the best I’ve ever met.’
She stood rooted to the spot in silence, waiting until he left the room before letting the tears roll down her cheeks. Despite everything else he’d taken from her, somehow she felt as if he’d just given her the best present of all.