‘Lothar!’
He swung round at the sound of Matilda’s summons, charging towards the door so fast that if a guard hadn’t opened it, he might simply have barged through.
‘Empress?’ He came to a halt a few paces away from where the two women sat side by side, one regarding him with a look of hauteur, the other staring at the floor as if she wanted to sink through it. His hopes plummeted.
‘I’ve reached a decision.’ Matilda stood up languidly. ‘Your wife has pulled the wool over your eyes, Lothar. I can’t trust her not to side with Stephen once I’m gone. She cannot remain as chatelaine at Haword.’
‘But, Empress...’
‘It seems to me there are only two choices,’ Matilda spoke over him. ‘Either we send her packing off to Stephen, or somebody has to stay and keep an eye on her. Under the circumstances, I believe you’re the only fit man for the job.’
‘Me?’
‘Would you prefer me to send another man?’
‘No!’
‘I thought not.’ Matilda’s lips twitched as she picked up an ermine cloak and swung it loosely around her shoulders. ‘After all, she’s your wife, Lothar, and you know how difficult those can be. Just ask my husband.’
‘I thought you wanted me to accompany you to Normandy, Empress?’
She placed a hand on his arm almost tenderly. ‘Of course I want you to come with me, but you’re still a young man. I was wrong to abuse your loyalty. You ought to lead a life of your own, not just follow mine. I’ll miss you, Lothar, but now your wife has something important to tell you.’ She squeezed his arm before sweeping on to the door. ‘I suggest you listen to her. In the meantime, I’ll make sure you’re not disturbed.’
‘I don’t understand.’ The floor seemed to tilt slightly as the door closed again, leaving him alone with his wife. The possibility of Matilda offering to leave him behind had never even occurred to him. Now he didn’t know how to react. ‘What happened?’
Juliana looked up finally, meeting his gaze with a look of chagrin. ‘I told her the truth.’
‘You told her you’d give Haword back to Stephen?’
‘Not exactly.’ Her cheeks flushed. ‘But I told her I couldn’t break my oath if he came back. You knew that was the best I could do.’
‘Yes.’ He rubbed a hand over his eyes. ‘I suppose I did.’
‘I’m sorry. I couldn’t lie.’
‘I know.’
‘I’m sorry I’ve put you in this position, too. I know you wanted to go with the Empress.’
He pulled his hand away from his face with a dull sense of surprise. ‘It’s not a question of what I want. It’s a question of duty. Who will protect her now?’
‘She has other guards.’
‘It’s not that simple. It’s my job.’
‘Why?’
He moved across to the fireplace, leaning one arm against the mantel. ‘It’s just what I do, who I am.’
‘Because of your mother?’
He froze. Standing next to the roaring fire, he felt his whole body go frigid. ‘What do you mean?’
‘The Empress said that she died trying to defend you.’ Her footsteps moved towards him. ‘Will you tell me what happened?’
He swayed slightly as the room seemed to tilt again. Could he tell her? He didn’t want to talk about it, yet somehow the words seemed to be coming out anyway.
‘It was all my fault. My mother was good at evading my father’s blows. She knew how to protect both of us, but one day when he hit her, I decided I was a man so I picked up a poker and charged at him with it. He put out a foot and kicked me backwards. My head hit a table on the way down.’ He gestured towards his scar. ‘I remember lying on the floor. There was so much blood I could hardly see, but then I felt his hand on my shoulder, heaving me back to my feet. I knew he was going to punish me, badly this time, but then my mother stepped between us. She said something, I don’t know what because my ears were still ringing from the fall, but he let me go and then...’
‘Then?’ Her voice prodded him gently.
‘Then she fell. Right next to me. Her arm landed on my stomach, as if she were wrapping it around me, but her eyes were open and I knew...’ The pressure in his chest was building again, stretching almost to breaking point, though he seemed to be powerless to do anything to stop it. ‘She just lay there staring, but I knew she couldn’t see me.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ She rested a hand on his shoulder. ‘But it wasn’t your fault.’
He shook his head. ‘If it hadn’t been for me, he wouldn’t have been so angry. He might have left us alone. I thought I could protect her, but I couldn’t.’
‘You still weren’t the one who killed her. You can’t blame yourself.’
‘I failed her. I wasn’t strong enough.’
‘You were just a boy.’
‘I should have got up.’
There was a short silence as if she were considering.
‘Didn’t you tell me that I shouldn’t blame myself for betraying my father?’
He frowned. ‘Yes.’
‘Didn’t you say he would have forgiven me anything?’
‘Yes.’
‘If your mother was prepared to get between you and your father, then she loved you. She wouldn’t have blamed you and she wouldn’t have wanted you to spend the rest of your life blaming yourself either. She would have wanted you to be free. Just like Matilda wants you to be free now.’
He half-turned around. ‘You don’t understand. When she found me, I felt as though my mother had sent her somehow, as if she were giving me a second chance. That’s why I have to protect Matilda.’
‘So you love Matilda like a mother?’
‘No!’ He pulled away, resisting the idea. ‘Juliana, we’ve been over this. I told you, I don’t love. I protect people, that’s all.’
‘And you’d rather protect her than me?’
‘No, it’s just...easier.’
‘Why?’
‘Because it is.’
There was another long pause before she spoke again, her voice sounding strained suddenly. ‘If it’s about the other day then I’m sorry. I should never have mentioned the marriage debt.’
‘What?’
‘I’m sorry if I made you feel indebted.’
‘Indebted?’ He swung around this time, staring at her incredulously. ‘Is that what you think, that I took you to bed because of a debt?’
‘I thought you couldn’t refuse.’
‘I can refuse whatever the hell I want!’
‘So you didn’t feel indebted?’
‘No! I wanted...’ He raked a hand through his hair. ‘I wanted you, Juliana. I’ve wanted you since the first moment I saw you. Couldn’t you tell?’
‘I thought so, but I wasn’t sure. And then, you still wanted to leave...’
‘Not because of that.’
‘Was it...bad?’
‘Bad?’ He spluttered in shock. ‘No, it was...’ He sought for a way to describe it and came up with nothing. As usual, words were beyond him. In which case, there was only one way to show her how much he wanted her. He wrenched her into his arms, grinding his lips against hers with a fervour that seemed to envelop the whole of his being. His senses were reeling with the force of his need. He wanted to tear her gown away and bury himself in her. He wanted to take her right now and every day afterwards. He wanted her more than he’d wanted any woman in his life. But he couldn’t love her...
‘I want you, Juliana.’ He pulled away again, breathing heavily. ‘But it’s impossible.’
She staggered slightly, raising a hand to her swollen lips. ‘You mean you want me and you want to leave me?’
‘Yes.’ He sank down on to the couch and put his head in his hands. ‘I don’t know to explain it, but when I lost my mother, it was the worst pain I ever felt. I never want to feel that way again. I won’t feel that way again.’
She hesitated for a moment and then sat down beside him. ‘Caring for someone doesn’t just involve pain.’
‘No? Look at you and your father.’ He regretted the words instantly. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s all right. My father suffered at the end, but for most of my life he made me feel happy and loved. He raised me in a way he thought would make me happy, too. He let me be myself. And he’ll always be here.’ She pressed a hand to her heart. ‘Just like your mother is still there in yours.’
He dragged in a breath as the constricting sensation in his chest seemed to burst suddenly. He’d heard troubadours sing about broken hearts, but this was different, as if it weren’t so much his heart, but the stone around it that was crumbling, not just into pieces, but into dust that could never be put back together again, unleashing all the pent-up emotions he’d kept hidden away for twenty years. She was right. His mother was still there. Along with all the pain and the loss and the suffering, there was love, too. He clamped a hand to his chest, overwhelmed by the onslaught of feeling.
‘You don’t have to be afraid.’ She wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
‘What if I can’t protect you?’ He didn’t recognise his own voice. It sounded guttural, like an animal in pain. ‘If I failed the Empress it would be bad enough, but if I failed you... If I lost you... I couldn’t bear it, not again.’
‘You won’t fail me.’
‘Juliana...’
‘No. Listen to me, I never wanted your protection. I’ve been telling you that from the start. I can take care of myself.’
‘It’s what I do.’
‘But it’s not what I want. If that’s all you can offer, then you should leave with Matilda.’
‘I don’t want to.’ His shoulders heaved at the admission.
‘Then stay.’
‘I don’t know if I can change, Juliana. I don’t know if I can love.’
‘Then we’ll find out together.’
He turned towards her, resting his forehead against hers. ‘You deserve better.’
‘I know.’ She smiled softly. ‘You’re just a man. But you’re my husband, too, and I won’t give up on you.’
He closed his eyes briefly. ‘I’ll do my best.’
‘Good, because if you don’t come with me, then I’d rather go straight to Stephen.’
‘What about Haword?’
‘I don’t want it without you, not any more.’ She reached up and pressed her hand gently against his scar. ‘I want you, no matter how damaged you are. You don’t have to say it, but I will. I love you, Lothar. Whatever happens in the future, I love you and you love me, somewhere deep down inside. And I’m not going back home without you.’