‘Well I never,’ Elizabeth said, shaking her head as I came in out of the rain. ‘You’ll want to see this, Hedda.’
I’d just returned from Sutherland’s Stores with some tobacco for Donald and knitting wool for me and Elizabeth. ‘What is it?’ I said, hanging up my damp coat. Elizabeth was poring over a newspaper spread out on the kitchen table. I went over to look.
SPY CONFESSES! the headline screamed. Underneath was a blurry photograph of Charles Mackay.
A Shetland man charged with high treason after being caught intercepting shipping information and passing it on to the Germans has made a shocking confession, the article said. When questioned about his motivations, Charles Mackay, 55, who was a head teacher and Home Guard Captain on the tiny island of Fiskersay in Shetland, claimed he had done it as revenge for mistreatment by the government after the last war, and because he believed in Hitler’s vision for a post-war world.
Mackay said he was denied a decent pension after being invalided out of the army in 1917, forcing him to rely on his mother in order to survive while he recovered from injuries sustained in the line of duty. It was during this time that Mackay developed his interest in radio transmissions and learned to build wireless sets, which led to him building the ‘spy set’ he was caught with,
But that is not the only interest Mackay developed during the inter-war years. A search of Mackay’s property by local police uncovered a large collection of propaganda from the National Socialist League, the organisation founded by William Joyce, the traitor better known as ‘Lord Haw-Haw’ currently residing in Germany, from where he broadcasts Nazi propaganda on the radio. Correspondence between Mackay and other prominent figures in the British Fascism movement, mostly dating from around 1936 to 1938, was also discovered. Although no information has yet been found that could lead police to Mackay’s German contacts, it is speculated that his anti-British sentiment can be traced back to the beginnings of his involvement with the NSL, which in itself was precipitated by the difficulties Mackay suffered after being discharged, for which he placed blame squarely on the British government.
The article went on in this vein for another two columns, although to my relief, I wasn’t mentioned. By the time I’d finished reading, my head was spinning. Did Charles really think his actions were justified?
I shivered, remembering his face as he loomed over me in the ruined cottage, his features twisted and ghastly in the glow from his torch.
‘I – I forgot something at the shop,’ I told Elizabeth, rushing to the door again. ‘I must go back – I won’t be long.’
She watched me with a concerned expression as I pulled my coat back on, but didn’t say anything.
Outside, with the wind whipping the fine rain that had been falling for the last two days against my face, I turned in the direction of Odda’s Bay, wanting to drive the memories of that awful night up on the Haug out of my head.
‘Hedda! Wait!’
I turned and saw Bill hurrying towards me.
My heart gave that funny little double thud it always did when I saw him lately. I’d been trying to avoid him, but now there was nowhere I could go. As I waited for him to catch up, I forced myself to breathe slowly and steadily, and tried not to think about the last time we’d been alone together.
‘I didn’t realise you were back,’ I said when he reached me.
‘Got here yesterday.’ He was a little out of breath. I noticed how the rain had misted on his dark hair and in his eyelashes and wondered how I could ever have thought he reminded me of Magnus. He was far better looking.
‘How was London?’ I said. ‘And Rose?’
‘London was OK. Rose is history.’
‘Oh?’ I said, frowning.
‘She was seeing that manager of hers behind my back.’
I stared at him in dismay. ‘Oh, Bill! I’m so sorry. How awful for you!’
His mouth twisted as if he was struggling to keep his emotions in check. ‘Don’t be. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway.’
‘I was going down to the bay,’ I said, and swallowed. ‘Do you want to walk with me?’
‘Sure. I wanted to talk to you anyway.’
‘What about?’ I tried to keep my voice light, my expression calm, but I wasn’t quite sure I managed it.
‘I’ve got a new posting,’ he said as we began walking again.
‘A new posting?’ I wasn’t sure what he meant.
‘I’m leaving. I’m being sent to England – Lincolnshire – in six days’ time.’
I stopped, completely unable to hide my disappointment this time. ‘You’re leaving?’
He stopped too. We were at the head of the bay now; the tide was in, leaving only a narrow strip of seaweed-strewn sand.
‘That’s why I wanted to talk to you,’ Bill said. ‘Hedda – I wasn’t imagining it, was I? In the hut, I mean, after you’d cleaned the wound on my leg?’
‘I – I’m not sure what you mean.’ My heart was thudding wildly, the blood roaring in my ears.
‘Yes, you are.’ His gaze burned into me; I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t.
I swallowed. ‘Bill—’
‘If I’ve learned anything since I joined the RAF, it’s that life’s too damned short to let the things you want pass you by,’ he said hoarsely. ‘I know you feel the same way about me as I do about you.’
‘I’m married,’ I said helplessly.
‘Yes, to a man you don’t love. It’s as plain as the nose on your face. You never talk about him – the one time I asked you about him, you said he was difficult.’
I didn’t answer him. I didn’t know what to say. My heart was racing .Bill caught my hands in his. ‘Hedda, I’ll come back here for you after the war is over. It doesn’t matter where they send me or how long for – I’ll come back.’
I hesitated.
‘That husband of yours is all the way over in Norway, and you’re here,’ Bill continued. ‘You—’ He paused, as if considering what he was going to say next carefully. ‘You don’t even have to go back to him if you don’t want to.’
‘No, I must. If he is still alive, I have to divorce him, or I will never be free of him.’
‘But why do you need to go back for that? Couldn’t you just write to him or something?’
‘No! I must see him, tell him to his face.’
Bill’s expression hardened. ‘And what if he talks you into staying married?’
‘He won’t!’ I cried fiercely. ‘Bill – the only man I have ever loved is you! Anders is a monster! I ended up with him because I had a relationship with a married man and got pregnant with Eirik and I was lonely and vulnerable! He tricked me into marrying him – pretended he would care for us – but all he wanted was a – a maidservant. By the time I realised it was too late!’
The torrent of words burst out of me before I could stop them. I wished desperately that I could take them all back, especially the bit about Eirik being another man’s child. I waited for Bill’s expression to sour – for him to look at me with disgust and turn away – but I saw only sadness. It pierced through me like an arrow. Disgust would have been far easier to deal with; I was used to it. I knew what to do with it.
‘Hedda…’ he said. ‘I don’t care about any of that. Eirik’s an amazing kid. If you’d let me, I’d love to be a father to him. I’d love us to be a family. I think we could all be happy.’
Despite my distress over having to tell Bill the truth about Eirik and Anders, joy leaped wildly through me. Did he really mean that? For a moment, I let myself imagine it – let myself picture waking up beside Bill every morning, and him holding me in his arms. I heard Eirik calling him Papa and Bill showing him how to fish and whittle sticks, and reading stories to him at night – all the things Anders had promised he would do for my son, and never had.
All too soon, reality came crashing back in. ‘I still have to go back to Norway,’ I said. ‘I still have ask Anders for a divorce. If I don’t, he could try to take Eirik from me. You must understand, there is nothing he wouldn’t do if he thought he could use it to hurt me.’
Bill nodded. ‘OK. I understand. But when you have got divorced—’
Sudden terror spiked through me. ‘But Bill, the war – you are going away – what if something happens to you?’
He pulled me closer to him. ‘It won’t,’ he said, his voice going hoarse again. ‘All I’m good for is sitting in front of their machines – they’ll stick me in another radar station somewhere in the back of beyond and forget about me. I’ll be bored as hell, and safe as houses.’
‘Do you promise me?’ I said, searching his gaze with mine. ‘I have already lost so much, Bill – I couldn’t bear to lose you too.’
‘You aren’t going to lose me. I promise.’
We looked at each other for a moment longer. I could feel my heart leaping inside my chest. The rain was coming down harder now, plastering my hair to my head, but I barely noticed.
‘May I kiss you?’ Bill said.
I nodded.
He pressed his lips against mine. The kiss was gentle, soft – nothing like the devouring kisses Magnus used to give me, intent only on his own pleasure, or the chaste, dry pecks I’d received from Anders at the beginning of our relationship which had petered out as fast as the pretence of his love for me. As I responded, desire rushed through me, every nerve-ending in my body tingling. It was so long since I’d felt like this that I’d almost forgotten what it was like, and I never wanted it to end.
Eventually, we broke apart. Bill let go of my hands and reached out to touch the side of my face. ‘I have to get back,’ he said. ‘Will you let me walk you back to the croft?’
I nodded, and he smiled. I tried to smile too, but I was fighting back tears. I had finally fallen in love after all this time, and now Bill had to go away. It wasn’t fair.
‘Don’t look so sad,‘ he said softly. ‘While you’re still in Shetland, we can write to each other.’
‘Yes,’ I managed to say, ‘I would like that.’
‘And this war will be over before you know it. You’ll see.’
From out of nowhere, I got another sudden, odd sense of premonition, a stab of fear twisting through my gut. ‘Bill – I know you said you’d be safe, but please be careful, won’t you?’ I said.
One side of his mouth quirked up in a smile. ‘I meant what I said, you know – I reckon someone up there must be looking out for me, or it would have been curtains for me a long time ago.’
‘Will you come and say goodbye to me and Eirik before you leave?’ I said as we began, slowly, to walk in the direction of the Sinclairs’ cottage.
‘Of course I will – just try and stop me.’
We walked the rest of the way in silence, our fingers loosely entwined. The weather was so bad that there was no one around, and even if there had been I didn’t care if they saw us or what they thought. Outside the cottage we kissed again. I closed my eyes, trying to make this moment last forever.
Then it was time for him to go back up to the station.
‘Cheerio for now,’ he said.
Reluctantly, I let go of his hand and stood there, watching, as he walked away. A sob tried to escape my lips and I clamped them together, biting down on the insides of my cheeks. But even though I knew I would see him again before he left, I couldn’t help the tears that streamed down my cheeks. For some reason, it felt as if, when he went, I would be saying goodbye to him forever.