THE SCRATCH OF a key turning in a lock woke Erin, but although she heard the sound quite distinctly she felt too drugged by sleep to respond.
She lay very still, drifting slowly up and up from the murky depths of deep slumber, aware of sounds…the rattle of the door opening and the thud of it closing. Then silence. Lovely. She could sink back into the mattress. She could…
Her eyes flashed open. Something was wrong. The silence was wrong. Was someone tiptoeing about in her room? An intruder?
Squinting through semi-darkness she saw unfamiliar furniture. The windows were covered by heavy curtains, but glimmers at either ends of the fabric indicated dazzling daylight outside.
Then she heard a loud whisper. ‘Do you think she’s awake yet?’
Joey.
Erin lurched upright, her heart racing as she remembered she was in a hotel in Sydney. How long had she slept? Oh, God, how long had Joey been awake? What had he been doing? Who was he talking to?
She flung the bedclothes aside just as two figures appeared at the door to her bedroom, one very tall, the other small.
‘Mommy, you’re awake!’ A small, Joey-shaped torpedo launched across the carpet towards her. ‘You’ve been asleep all day.’
‘All day? I can’t have.’
‘Only half a day.’ Luke’s voice came from the doorway. ‘It’s just gone noon.’
Noon. Erin groaned. This day was the last time she had with Joey before he left for North Queensland. And she’d wasted half of it. Why hadn’t she factored jet lag into her planning?
‘We’ve already had breakfast and lunch,’ Joey announced. ‘’Cause I was starving.’ With a happy grin, he threw himself beside her on the bed. His cheeks glowed pink, as if he’d been running and playing outdoors. ‘Guess what we had for lunch?’
Erin was super-aware of Luke watching from the doorway. Joey was sitting on top of the sheets so she couldn’t use them to cover her bare legs. She tried to pull her yellow silk nightdress higher to cover the tops of her breasts. She hated to think how her hair must look. It would be a fright. She focused on Joey. ‘I give up. What did you have for lunch?’
‘Fish and chips,’ he exclaimed excitedly. ‘Dad and me had a picnic down near the water. We had these hot and crunchy pieces of fish with salty French fries and they were all wrapped up in paper.’
‘Wow, that sounds…neat.’
‘It was. It was excellent. And I fed some seagulls with little bits of my fish. And Dad and me had a soda too.’
With one hand holding her nightdress against her chest, Erin looked from her son to Luke. His eyes were bright and a smile lurked. She sensed a light-heartedness about him that she hadn’t seen yesterday and she felt a perverse need to dampen it. ‘You shouldn’t have let me sleep in,’ she accused.
‘You were dead to the world.’
The happy light in his eyes flustered her and she switched her attention back to Joey. ‘So how did all this happen? When did you wake up?’
Joey shrugged. ‘I heard Dad knocking on the door, so I opened it and let him in. And then Dad gave you a shake.’
‘He what?’
Heat suffused her as she pictured what must have happened—Luke approaching her bed, leaning over her, touching her while she slept. Once more she flicked a hasty glance his way. He was still standing in the doorway, one shoulder resting casually against the frame, and she was annoyed to see a hint of amusement lurking in the depths of his smoky eyes.
Joey must have sensed her tension and he frowned. ‘It was just a little shake, Mommy, but you didn’t move. So Dad said we should leave you to sleep. He helped me to find some clothes and he wrote you a note and then we went out for breakfast.’
A note? It was then that Erin saw the page of hotel stationery on her nightstand and a message in Luke’s sharp, spiky handwriting.
‘So the two of you have spent the whole morning together,’ she said. ‘I guess I should thank you, Luke.’
‘Are you going to get up now?’ prompted Joey. ‘Dad said if you want, we can go to Taronga Park zoo.’
‘Only if you’re interested,’ added Luke quickly.
Joey bounced excitedly, making the mattress rock beneath Erin. ‘You want to go, don’t you, Mommy? Dad said the zoo’s on the other side of the harbour and we can get there on a ferry.’
Dad said, Dad said. Clearly Joey’s adoration of Luke wasn’t going to wane any time soon.
‘You’ll have to give me time to take a shower.’
‘And you’ll need coffee and something to eat,’ added Luke, but his words were almost drowned out by Joey’s cheers. ‘Can I order something for you?’
Of course she said yes. She said yes to everything. There was no way she was going to let her dissent spoil this last afternoon with Joey. She even acquiesced when, as they left the hotel, Joey insisted on walking between them, holding her hand and Luke’s as if the three of them were a regular family.
It was a beautiful day. As they boarded the bus bound for Circular Quay, Erin saw that yesterday’s dull, threatening weather had cleared. The air was crisp and sparkling, the sky was a clean, bright blue and the sunshine had turned Sydney Harbour into a dazzling sea of sapphires. Although there was a nip in the air and they needed warm jackets, it was hard to remember that it was winter.
Joey found everything thrilling—even lining up to buy ferry tickets—and his happiness and excitement were catching. By the time the boat pulled away from the dock, Erin felt more at ease than she had in weeks. Perhaps, for one afternoon, she could keep her mind free from anxiety. She could aim to be as innocent and carefree as Joey.
Luke was in a better mood too, so perhaps they could all relax. She decided to try very hard. She would live in the moment and immerse herself in the simple enjoyment of the sunshine, the sparkling harbour and the freshness of the salty breeze skimming across the water.
For just one afternoon, they could all pretend that everything was okay.
It was a nice theory.
It couldn’t work, of course.
The happy-family charade was too fragile to withstand the test of an entire afternoon. Minute by minute—while Erin and Luke laughed at the antics of the monkeys, while they waved to Joey as he rode an elephant on a merry-go-round, while they shared his admiration of the lions and tigers and his amusement over the cute little meerkats—the tension between them mounted.
Whenever Joey let go of their hands and danced ahead of them, Erin walked carefully apart from Luke, taking excessive pains not to touch him or bump him. And they were both excruciatingly careful to pay attention to Joey and to show an intense fascination with the animals on display. They took the same care to pay little or no attention to each other.
And gradually the light-hearted glimmer in Luke’s eyes dimmed and Erin’s smile became more strained.
If Joey noticed their apprehension he didn’t let on. This afternoon was too important to him. For the first time he could remember he had both his parents together. He was living his dream and it was almost as if he were willing Erin and Luke to be on their best behaviour so they couldn’t spoil his happiness.
And Erin and Luke were managing tolerably well. On the surface. Things deteriorated when they reached the kangaroos.
Kangaroos were so bizarre, Erin thought, with their soft, pretty faces, their tiny front paws and then their absurdly long back legs. Bizarre, but very cute. She pointed out a sweet little baby in its mother’s pouch.
Joey was entranced. He clung to the wire with his face pressed against it as he watched the baby kangaroo’s little black eyes, pointed nose and ears peeping out from a furry pocket on its mother’s abdomen.
‘Did you know that baby kangaroos are called joeys?’ Luke asked him.
Joey pulled back from the wire to stare up at them with excited delight. ‘Is that why you guys called me Joey, ’cause I’m your baby?’
‘Well…not exactly,’ Erin began and then she winced. Why had she chosen this moment to become pedantic?
Joey waited expectantly for further explanation.
‘Your name’s short for Joseph,’ she said. ‘You were named after your grandfather.’
‘After Grandpa Reilly?’
‘No, your other grandfather.’ Erin glanced towards Luke and a nervous tremble rippled through her as she watched a muscle twitch near his jaw. ‘His name was Joseph too,’ she said. ‘He was Joseph Manning—just like you.’
‘The first Joseph Manning was my dad,’ Luke explained. ‘We called you Joseph Peter. Joseph after my father and Peter after Peter Reilly, your mother’s father.’
Luke’s words were addressed to Joey, but he fixed his eyes directly on Erin and she felt heat spread like a sunrise up her neck and into her face. She knew Luke was remembering that day when they’d chosen Joey’s names—when they’d been so overjoyed, so proud and grateful, so pleased with themselves. They’d been overflowing with love—for each other, for their son, for their parents, for the whole world.
‘Wow!’ Joey was saying now. ‘So you and Mommy both gave me a name each.’ He seemed exceptionally pleased with this news.
Luke cleared his throat and looked away.
‘What would you like to see next?’ Erin was eager to change the subject.
But Joey was not to be deterred. Reaching for Luke’s hand, he gave it a little tug. ‘Were you there, Dad, when I was born?’
Again, another visible clenching of the muscle in Luke’s jaw. ‘Yes…yes I was there.’
‘In the hospital?’
‘Yes.’ Luke looked down at Joey and his face twisted suddenly.
Erin couldn’t bear to see his sad, lost expression. The sight made her panic. But then Luke’s mouth broke into a rueful grin and he gave Joey’s crew cut a playful scuff. Holding his hands apart in front of him, he said, ‘You were only this big, but you made so much noise I needed ear plugs.’
Joey laughed and wrapped his arms around Luke’s legs, hugging him hard. ‘Did I hurt your ears?’
‘Sure. You were like a little frog, with arms and legs waving madly, and then you went red in the face and bellowed your lungs out.’
‘Then what happened?’
Luke hesitated and he sent Erin a quick searching glance. Oh, God. His eyes were so full of pain. Her knees threatened to cave in as she remembered how Luke had been on that night when Joey was born—the raw emotion, the sheer elation.
‘What happened?’ Joey asked again and she wondered if he was aware of their tension. Was the boy manipulating them?
‘Your mum was tired,’ Luke said. ‘So the doctor handed you to me and I was worried because you were so tiny and squirmy and I thought I was going to drop you.’
Joey giggled. ‘Did you drop me?’
‘Course not.’
‘And then what happened?’
Luke smiled so unhappily Erin thought her heart might break.
‘After that,’ Luke said with his gaze fixed on Erin, ‘your mother looked up at me and she was so happy her eyes were as bright as stars. She thought you were the most beautiful baby ever born.’
Over Joey’s head Luke watched Erin. His eyes were brimming with a powerful emotion she couldn’t identify. Was it anger, regret…or something else entirely?
A happy little huffing sigh broke softly from Joey’s lips. He took Luke’s hand and reached for Erin’s.
No one in the trio spoke as they began to walk forward again. Each seemed to be locked in private thoughts.
Erin was horrified by hers.
The trip back to the hotel by ferry and bus was an ordeal. Joey was beginning to droop, and Erin was withdrawn. Conversation was limited to essentials.
Luke sat stiffly apart from them, wrestling with doubts.
Nothing was working out the way he’d expected. He’d been steeling himself for a battle with Erin. He’d expected Joey to be wary and that he’d have to win him over. Instead Erin was timid and jumpy around him and Joey thought he was Superdad. In the boy’s eyes he couldn’t put a foot wrong.
And looking at Erin was driving him crazy. He just wanted to stare into her eyes all the time. He’d swear they were still the bluest eyes he’d ever seen. But it wasn’t only her eyes, of course. Her hips and her legs were worthy of close observation too. And he loved the way her hair was cut so it lay in feathery wisps against the back of her neck.
And he kept remembering the rest of her…
There was no mention of the three of them having dinner together, and once they reached the hotel Erin became very businesslike.
‘So you’ll want to get away early in the morning?’ she asked Luke.
‘Yes. I’ve booked us on a flight to Brisbane and then we’ll take my plane from there.’
‘How early do you want to leave? Six?’
‘Seven will be fine.’
‘Okay, Joey will be ready at seven. I’ll organise a wake-up call and an early breakfast. I’ll repack his bag tonight. There’ll be some clothes that will need washing. I’ll keep them separate in a zip-lock bag.’
She drew a deep breath and looked down at her hands, nervously twisting a set of three hand-engraved silver and turquoise rings back and forth on her finger. ‘Joey’s had a lovely day today.’ She lifted her gaze. ‘He’s really going to enjoy his time with you.’
Luke’s eyes shimmered. ‘I’ll take good care of him, Erin.’
‘Yes.’ She blinked. Twice. ‘Yes, I know you will.’
When he left, she closed the door to their suite quickly and became very brisk, bustling Joey into the bath, ordering a simple meal from room service and sorting Joey’s clothes. She was terrified that she would start to cry, but she couldn’t, she mustn’t.
Joey mustn’t guess how she was feeling. Damn it, she was so mixed up she didn’t really know how she was feeling.
At bedtime Joey said, ‘I wish you could come to Warrapinya, Mommy.’
‘You don’t need me there,’ she said quickly. ‘You’re going to have a great time with your dad.’
‘But why can’t you come too? Dad would let you come, wouldn’t he?’
‘That’s not what we’ve arranged, Joey. And I have business here in Sydney that will keep me busy.’
Joey pouted and punched his pillow. ‘I don’t get it.’
‘What don’t you get?’
‘Why you don’t like Dad.’ He looked up at her with pleading eyes. ‘He’s the greatest. Why can’t you like him, Mommy?’
‘It’s—it’s complicated.’ Erin bit her lip. ‘Luke’s a good man, Joey. A—a very nice man.’
The boy waited and his dubious scowl told her she was doing a lousy job of explaining. But how could she destroy his innocence by telling him that love wasn’t always enough? She tried again. ‘When a mommy and a daddy decide they don’t want to be married any more, it means they—they don’t want to spend too much time together.’
‘But why? Don’t you like that mushy stuff—like kissing and going to bed together?’
‘Joey!’ Erin couldn’t hide her shock. ‘Where did you hear that kind of talk?’
The boy shrugged. ‘Kids talk about married stuff sometimes.’ Then he looked at her eagerly. ‘If you don’t want Dad to kiss you, maybe you could just tell him and then he’d say that’s okay, and you could come with us anyhow.’
Thrilled with his brilliant idea, Joey launched out of bed. ‘Why don’t we go and tell him?’
‘No!’ Erin shrieked.
‘Well, I can tell him for you.’
‘No.’ Grabbing his arm, she shepherded him back beneath the bedclothes. ‘Sweetheart, you don’t understand. Your dad wouldn’t enjoy having me back at Warrapinya.’
‘Bet he would. Have you asked him?’
‘I’m not going to, Joey. Don’t keep on about it. It’s just not going to happen.’ With her fingertips, she stroked the pink curve of his ear. ‘This is a “boys only” adventure, just for you and your dad,’ she said.
In the morning Joey was so excited he leapt out of bed the minute the wake-up call rang through, and while Erin was still fumbling sleepily with the coffee-maker, he dressed, without help, in record time.
Everything happened in a flash—the business of breakfast, of cleaning teeth and checking for stray socks and Joey’s Game Boy under his bed, of zipping his suitcase and setting it near the door.
In no time Joey was ready and Erin was opening the door to Luke.
Her heart did a kind of somersault when she saw him, and she wished that it wouldn’t. She didn’t want to feel anything for Luke. It would spoil everything if she got silly.
‘There’s no point in my coming to the airport,’ she said, keeping her gaze no higher than his broad shoulder. ‘I’ll say goodbye here.’
She knelt beside Joey and gave him a hug and a kiss and then another hug. Joey clung to her and she could feel his little body trembling with excitement and just a little fear. ‘Daddy’s going to take good care of you,’ she whispered. Then she said more brightly, ‘You can call me when you get to Warrapinya. I’ll expect to hear all about your adventures.’
The boy nodded against her shoulder and she gave him one more kiss, a final hug.
‘I love you,’ she whispered and then she stood. Her eyes met Luke’s and she felt another flash, another unwanted leap of excitement. She forced a smile. ‘I packed a photo album in with Joey’s things. It’s for you. I had copies made of all the best ones. Of Joey. You know. All the milestones.’
‘Thanks.’ His voice sounded rough around the edges.
‘You’d better get going,’ she said, keeping her chin bravely high.
‘Indeed.’ With two fingers he snagged Joey’s suitcase.
Erin opened the door. ‘Have a great trip now.’
The man and the boy passed through the doorway.
‘Bye, Mom.’
‘Bye, Joey-boy.’ Erin swallowed to push away the sharp lump in her throat.
Luke was watching her closely and she realised with a pang that no matter how hard she tried to deny it she was going to miss him, too. The little light inside her would go out when he left.
And then he set down the suitcase. ‘I’d better say goodbye, too.’
Before she had time to understand what was happening, his hands were at her waist and he was kissing her.
Within seconds she was trembling beneath the unexpected warmth of his lips.
Over the past five years she had tried so hard to forget what Luke’s kiss was like, had tried to block from her mind the physical desire she’d always felt for him. But she’d been fooling herself. One touch of Luke’s lips on her and her skin was aflame. Longing burst inside her like a flower coming into bloom.
‘No!’ Joey’s voice shouted beside them. ‘No, Dad, stop it. Mommy doesn’t want you to kiss her. She told me.’
With a sharp groan, Luke lifted his head. His arms released her as quickly as he’d embraced her and he stepped away.
Stunned, flushed and breathless, Erin sagged against the door frame.
‘Are you all right, Mommy?’ Joey looked worried and he touched her hand.
She took a quick breath and nodded, then squeezed his fingers to reassure him. ‘Yes, sweetheart, of course I’m okay. I’m fine.’
Her eyes sought Luke’s, but he was already bending to retrieve the suitcase. When he straightened, she saw that his face was flushed and his eyes were burning beneath stern brows. He stood very stiffly and gave her a curt nod, and then turned to the boy. ‘Are you ready, Joey?’
‘Yeah, sure. I’ve been ready for ages.’
‘Then we’d better be on our way.’
Now they were heading down the hall and Joey flashed Erin one last searching glance over his shoulder.
She waved and smiled fiercely to show him she was fine.
‘I don’t know why Mom doesn’t want you to kiss her, do you, Dad?’ she heard Joey ask, and she knew that Luke said something in reply but she couldn’t hear his answer.
It must have been flippant because, as she watched, Joey laughed and then he gave a little skip and he took his father’s hand and then they turned the corner and disappeared.