French Women Don't Sleep Alone:

THROUGH THE CENTURIES, French women have learned that it is not always wise to wear their hearts on their sleeves. The French woman knows better than to reveal all too quickly and that sometimes it is better to simply wait and watch. If you look at the face of the French woman, you’ll see that she’s more self-contained, at least in public. Within a secure circle of friends, she may be much more effusive and emotional, but generally emotions are kept private. In fact, the French feel they need to be “controlled.” You can thank Descartes.

Certainly, when it comes to love, there are those moments when a French woman may become emotional and confess her most heartfelt feelings, but more often than not, she will hold her cards close to her breast and maintain a mysterious air. Does this make the men in her life lose interest and run? Au contraire! She finds that this opaqueness only heats things up.

We live in a very different culture. We live in a great big sprawling and very young country. We’re an expansive society. We laugh loudly. We express our emotions freely. Some of us eat big meals and drive big cars on big eight-lane freeways. We take up a lot of space, because we have (or we think we have) a lot of space. Many of us live in big houses and when we have guests over, we like to give them a tour of the entire house, including the private rooms—the bedrooms, the bathrooms. Not so with the French. They will seldom show you the rooms beyond the kitchen, dining room, and living room.

But we love to throw our doors open.

However, when it comes to our relationships, this expansiveness has not always served us. Yes, it’s fun to go out with the girls and gossip about our latest conquests. It feels wonderful to cry freely and laugh loudly. And we stick by our culture of confession and the belief that if we are honest and communicate and reveal all, men will appreciate this and accept us for ourselves—love us for our generous hearts and forgive us our foibles.

Inside the Secret Garden

As Americans, we strive for complete honesty. However, this is not always in our best interest. French women know this. This is why they keep their Jardin Secret (Secret Garden) . The Secret Garden can be her state of mind or a fantasy place she can visit when she daydreams. It could be a secret intellectual passion. Perhaps she loves to write poetry or she’s addicted to romance novels. Her Secret Garden could be a hobby that no one in her usual circle knows about, such as playing chess. Or it could be a group of friends, such as those American girls she met during her year abroad, and her French friends don’t know about them or that secret world she lived in. It could be a private relationship that’s completely platonic, but with someone she doesn’t bring into her group of friends, or even her coterie.

And finally, a French woman’s Secret Garden might be a secret love affair. This love affair may be no more than a slightly dangerous flirtation, or it might be something more. She may be married and indulging in this or she may be single, but she does not want her coterie to know about this Secret Garden. Indeed, she might actually have a full-fledged lover. But she won’t generally broadcast it; it is her secret.

Behind Closed Doors

And yes, the French do have affairs, just as Americans and men and women all over the world have affairs. The difference is the French woman does not discuss her affair as openly. And hopefully, if the person in question is a government official, they will not become fodder for the tabloids (although this is changing in France, as we speak).

In general, the French love their privacy more than Americans do. A French woman knows that her Secret Garden needs to be protected and kept secret if it is to remain a powerful part of her imaginary life. This is the other advantage to having a Secret Garden—it fuels one’s fantasy life and creates a kind of internal world that nourishes and feeds one’s psyche. When the outside world is exhausting and overwhelming, the French woman might retreat to her bedroom, draw the curtains and read a romance novel, or practice her yoga or simply lie down and think about Jean-Claude and that time they kissed on the ski lift in Chamonix. She might even call her old lover, François, and have a glass of wine and talk late into the night about the time they got caught in the rain on Mont-Saint-Michel and ended up spending the night in the little bed and breakfast that served the most decadent assortment of croissants and pastries, fresh squeezed orange juice, fresh yogurt, and fabulous coffee.

Even though the affair is long over, his voice on the telephone brings back all the memories, and even though she will probably never be intimate with François again, the attraction is always there. It’s palpable. She can hear it in his voice, late into the night, as they whisper and reminisce about old times. This lover from her past is this French woman’s secret, and by the time the late night conversation is over, and the two of them are falling asleep on the phone, miles apart, the world has grown warm and toasty and she is feeling a newly restored sense of allure, sensuality, and yes, confidence.

Where the French Woman Gets Her Confidence

This late night “visit” with her secret “lover” will stay with her during the next day and the day after that, and perhaps even for weeks to come. She will have a new lilt to her step, and she will brim with a sense of her own desirability. This is wonderful for the French woman’s self-esteem. But more than this, men notice!

No, she doesn’t have to say a word about her Jardin Secret, and it doesn’t necessarily have to involve a phone call to an old lover—but rather something that she keeps private. The very fact that she has a place to go that is hers and hers alone adds a sense of mystery and intrigue to her. All men (yes, American and French!) are attuned to a woman’s mood. They’ve learned it from childhood—when mama is in a good mood, things go well, but when mama is unhappy, well that’s another story.

And so, a French woman’s boyfriend can feel that she is not obsessed with their relationship. She is not hanging on every word he says. She is not so concerned about whether he has given her a gift for Valentine’s Day or called her on Wednesday. In fact, the tables are turned, because he can sense that she has other things (or yes, even other men) on her mind. He knows that she is not completely his. She has not abandoned her individuality to the relationship. She remains separate.

Even when they are together, he knows, she is spiritually free. And this is true even when they’re married. The French woman’s Jardin Secret is a place she goes to spiritually, intellectually, and sensually to restore her sense of independence and power.

She finds a special place or passion. Her Secret Garden might just be a fascination with a book she found in the library. She finds a café where she goes every afternoon to read. She emerges an hour later, somehow changed by this book. She returns to her day-to-day life with a newfound sense of who she is in the world separate from her lover/partner/husband/boyfriend. Then, when she returns to be with him or to go out to a dinner party—she will surprise everyone with a little comment about the ancient art of calligraphy on rice paper. Still, even when someone asks, incredulously, “How did you know that?” our French woman will smile mysteriously and say, “I don’t know . . . I just know.” She will not reveal all the details of the library she goes to and the café where she reads every day, and the delicious cup of tea she enjoys during her intellectual foray into her Jardin Secret.

And men have their secret gardens, as well. They like to go out and fish or be with their friends. There’s nothing wrong with this, because it too makes them more interesting and intriguing. Individuality is the thing that will keep any relationship alive, because you are continually offering new things to one another and there are always surprises.

French Women Are Mysterious

The Jardin Secret is the wellspring of this sense of mystery. As American women, we may find the whole idea of remaining mysterious silly. Why shouldn’t we be honest? Isn’t that the best policy, after all? But, there is a difference between being honest and spilling out a lot of information that is best kept behind closed doors. Why tell everything? Does it help your relationship with your husband if he knows you’re worried about your cellulite? Does your boyfriend really need to know that you bought a pair of shoes today that were fifty percent off? Do your friends really want to know how your bridge came out and you had to rush to the dentist to get it fixed?

It may not seem as if this is a big deal—it may seem like simple chitchat, when we reveal the minutia of our daily lives—but the truth is, this unnecessary information chips away at our sense of self. We get drained (and our friends and lovers feel drained) and after a few days of this, we begin to feel as if little pieces of our personality, our inner lives, have been scattered to the wind. This depletes us and leaves us feeling weakened, emotionally exhausted, and so we might do something that feels comforting in the moment, but is really self-destructive, such as a last minute hookup with an ex or a date with a carton of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.

What We Can Learn from Proust

The French woman does occasionally feel emotionally drained. We all do; we are human, after all. But, le Jardin Secret serves as a place of refuge for her. She truly “lives” in her body and so she knows when she needs to be replenished, and so her Secret Garden might just mean an opportunity to stay in bed all day and relax.

The French woman is not afraid to turn down an invitation (giving proper notice and explanation). She does not overextend herself socially and become a social butterfly, flitting from party to party, exhausting herself, drinking too much, talking too much. She knows that as Marcel Proust said, “An absence, the decline of a dinner invitation, an unintentional coldness, can accomplish more than all the cosmetics and beautiful dresses in the world.”

And a word on drinking too much: French women seldom drink too much. French women do not become the party girl that everyone is secretly laughing at behind her back. A French woman knows that while men may enjoy the company of a wild and crazy girl and even have a fun time with her every now and then, men generally do not take this kind of woman seriously and if she indeed overindulges in food or drug or drink, it is doubtful that he will consider her as a candidate for a long-term relationship. The French do drink wine of course, and champagne, but it is generally with food, and always with company.

Keep Your Head

The French family, the schools, and the community teach their young ones the importance of keeping calm in the face of emotional turmoil. In fact, it is a point of French pride to keep cool, certainly rational, and never fall into an irrational tumult and perdre la tête (lose one’s head). In fact, the general rule for drinking is to have one glass of water for every glass of wine.

We can again thank Descartes, for this philosophy of keeping one’s emotions in check. French women don’t even go to psychotherapists as much as we do, simply because they believe that their psychological struggles are private and that one must exert intellectual power and harness one’s emotions so that they are kept in proper proportion. This takes discipline and a sense of moderation. If she does seek the help of a psychotherapist, she will keep it private. She might discuss her difficulties with her mother, but she will certainly not broadcast her latest misadventure or heartbreak on the Girlfriend Network. This is not to say that French women do not get emotional and cry. Younger girls will talk to their friends about their boy troubles, while older ones wait until they really, really know their friends. Part of the reason behind the French woman’s reticence to share information about their man (whether it’s about how he’s a great lover or how their relationship is on the rocks) stems from the jealousy factor and, as one French woman told us, “the knowledge that another woman might steal your man.”

It is true that French women do not seem to trust one another the way American women do. However, I think we all know of someone who lost her man to a close friend. And so, perhaps the French woman’s ability to be discreet is not such a bad thing. Does this sound cold? Does it sound impossible for the American woman to emulate? It’s not, really. Once we begin to modulate our emotions, we begin to create a new pattern. And the Secret Garden can help.

There’s No Such Thing as Perfection

French women do not believe in perfection. In earlier times, many marriages were arranged. While our American grandmothers and mothers might have been courting and dating and going out with several men for a number of years before deciding to marry, French women do not take a lot of time with this process and generally marry (or more likely in today’s France—simply move in with) their partners early on. Many French women still only have one partner in an entire lifetime. This might sound archaic to an American girl, especially if you live in a city, and are under thirty. It’s easy to get on that dating treadmill where we date a man for a few weeks, we see him practically every day. Things get very intense. We think this is it—this is true love. We sleep with him and spend every possible moment together. He’s practically moved in by the time we’ve known each other a month. We’ve exchanged all our stories from childhood—how we had terribly crooked teeth as a kid and had to wear braces for years and how the other kids in school made fun of us and called us “metal mouth.” We work ourselves into an emotional froth, describing the injustice of it all, the humiliation, as if it just happened the day before yesterday. We’re in a terrible hurry to tell all right away. And he shares all his triumphs and tribulations and suddenly there’s nothing left to tell. Nothing to discover.

This is not mysterious. This is not sexy. And it’s definitely not French.

Of course, it’s okay to reveal a childhood wound, but it’s not necessary to relive the whole thing in vivid detail. French women do not treat their lovers as if they were their father confessors or therapists or mothers. French women understand that no one man can be all things to one woman. She is not nearly as idealistic about love and marriage as we are in America. She keeps her Secret Garden as a place where she can seek emotional solace. Or yes, perhaps she will keep a Secret Garden friend to whom she goes with her personal struggles.

We Are Family

As Americans living in such a big country, often removed from family and close friends, we lose our “anchor.” And we begin to depend too much on our men. They are only men, after all. There are pragmatic reasons for not depending on your lover/husband/boyfriend/partner for constant moral support and comfort—he is simply not equipped to be attuned to the nuances of female sensitivity and emotions. But more importantly, all this outpouring of emotion and drama is not healthy for a relationship. Dumping all the upsetting details of our lives does nothing to build a sexy, vibrant, strong relationship. Rather, it diminishes it and wears away at the power of the union.

Every marriage, every partnership, is its own Secret Garden. French women know this innately. And they care for this garden, this marriage, as tenderly and carefully as they might a real garden. They know that certain flowers will bloom during certain times of the year. They know that one needs to care for the garden, but not overdo this care, and not overweed, overplant. The French woman knows that there’s a necessary balance between too much water and too little water. The Secret Garden of a marriage can be a magical place where a man and a woman discuss shared experiences, laugh together, make love, indulge in their own kinky vices, and yes, even occasionally gossip. Still, it’s necessary to make sure that this garden does not get overrun with insignificant, unnecessary, complaint-filled conversations—“weeds,” if you will. A French woman keeps out boring information such as how her hairdresser cancelled an appointment, or how she’s gained five pounds and needs to give up desserts, or how she really thinks her best friend’s new coat is the wrong color. The French woman protects le Jardin Secret she shares with her husband, making sure that it is a place of calm and sensuality that the two of them can retreat to and create a spectacularly sensual world that is just for them.

French Lessons

TURN DOWN ONE INVITATION this week, but do it sweetly, mysteriously. Don’t do it because I said so. Do it when you really don’t feel like going out. Create your own Secret Garden. Think of what you have that builds your sense of pleasure, calm, and self-esteem. Join a club, secretly. Or begin a new hobby that no one knows about but you. Read a book, alone, and keep it private. Find a new café that is your secret place. Go to a matinee, but tell no one.

Practice the art of discretion. Do not tell your lover or potential lover or even your husband of all your adventures. Be wild in the bedroom, and yes, a lady out of the bed.