The Ninth Chapter
“Hey! I think this button will send us home,” Pumpkin Pete said, oblivious to the final battle which was about to take place. Pete’s long, vinelike fingers stabbed down on the lone red button that sat in the middle of the console. “That settles that!”
The ship shuddered. A bright red ray blasted from the front and shot down to Earth. Pumpkin Pete had just turned the state of Ohio into puppets.
“I didn’t do it!” he gasped.
“Uh... Pumpkin Pete? Maybe you should lay off the buttons for a while?” I said.
“Nonsense! My keen pumpkin senses have revealed the one button not to touch,” Pumpkin Pete reasoned and pushed another button.
“Airlock seals to self-destruct in T minus three minutes and counting.. .” a computer voice chimed.
“And now my keen pumpkin senses have revealed a second button to not touch,” Pumpkin Pete added, scratching his giant gourd head.
“So... what happens now?” I asked.
“Well...in two minutes the airlock seals blow and we all get sucked into space and popped like human balloons,” Peenoh Keeoh answered, shrugging his puppet shoulders. “Except for me. I’m made of wood.”
“Don’t worry. We can just swim home,” Spice Girl assured King Justice.
Everybody stood for a moment and stared at each other, not sure how to absorb this unforeseen turn of events. Santa Claws nonchalantly whistled “Jingle Bells” and slowly shuffled toward the door.
“T minus two minutes and fifty seconds...”
Suddenly Santa Claws bolted for the door and raced out of the main room. Le Poop, The Dentist, and Peenoh Keeoh — with his mind slave, of course — quickly followed after. Peenoh Keeoh stopped in the doorway.
“You’ve destroyed Ohio and yourselves!” he shouted, then raced down the hall.
“Wow. That is so ironic,” Spice Girl said.
“Actually, it’s more of a coincidence,” Mr. Ironic corrected.
“You’re right, it is a coincidence,” Spice added. “And that’s what makes it so ironic.”
“League of Big Justice! Sidekicks! Evacuate!” King Justice yelled and hoisted The Good Egg and The Stain over each shoulder like they were sacks of flour.
“You don’t have to tell me twice!” Pumpkin Pete said and raced from the room, arms empty. “Pumpkin feets, don’t fail me now!”
The rest of us grabbed or roused an unconscious hero or bad guy and ran to the escape pods. Depression Dave found a shovel and scooped up Jellyfish, who seemed to quiver with gratitude.
“T minus two minutes...”
Warning sirens blared through the ship as we ran to the escape pods like kids playing musical chairs. Each pod could only hold three people, so it would be tight. I saw an open pod door and raced over.
“Sorry! Only room for one!” Pumpkin Pete said, “And I have a big fat head. Like a pumpkin!” He hit the door seal and left me in the hall.
“Over here, son!” King Justice called out.
I raced to his pod and climbed in. It would be close, but it looked like all of us were going to be safe.
“T minus one minute and forty seconds...”
“That was close, King Justice, sir.”
“It sure was, Sporty. It sure was.”
So get this. I was riding in an escape pod with the founder of the League of Big Justice. So he didn’t know my name exactly, but “Sporty” was close enough. I wondered if now would be a bad time to ask for his autograph? Boy, would that just kill the other sidekicks when I showed them? I could just hear them all oooh-ing and aaahing. Heck, that would probably be the first and only time I ever understood what Boy-in-the Plastic-Bubble Boy was trying to tell me. I could just see Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy’s face . . . when ...he... Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy . . . when he ... Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy ... Boy-in-the-Plastic — oh my gosh!
“We forgot Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy!” I yelled at King Justice as he was about to hit the door seal. “We left him stuck to the roof in his Giant Hamster Ball of Justice!”
“T minus one minute and thirty seconds . . .”
“Stay here, son,” King Justice said. “Don’t wait for us. Sometimes soldiers don’t return from the war.”
“You’ll never make it!” I warned him. Then I said something really surprising. No, not “Leave him,” which may have been a better idea. I didn’t even say, “My mistake, he was never here!” No. What I did say was, “Only my super speed has a chance! I’ll save him!”
I think the ship’s thin air was getting to me.
“You’re not going alone,” King Justice replied.
I touched his shoulder and looked into his eyes.
“Earth needs a King,” I said. “And Justice needs you.”
Oh, brother. Who knew I’d be so corny T minus one minute and ten seconds before I got sucked into space and popped like a human balloon?