I stumbled into the pizza place half an hour late and somewhat disheveled. Clara and Rory didn't seem to notice I'd missed their birthday. Mike scowled at me, but the family and friends in attendance just smiled and clapped me on the back. No one knew I had just had four orgasms in the sweaty embrace of my lover a mere hour ago.
It seemed like I was walking through water. I slogged through the rest of the party like I was drunk on my own guilt.
I remember thinking that this affair had to end. I also remember it felt like the bottom dropped out of my stomach when I thought of giving up the talented, sensuous Nick.
Hours later, back at home, Mike didn't even read me the riot act. He smiled and hugged me. That was it. I sat in the kitchen, completely stunned for maybe forty minutes. Shock, dismay, anger, all traded places in my mind. I wanted to scream, I'm sleeping with another man! But I couldn't. Cowardice appears to be one of my strongest traits.
The next day, as I drove to the hotel to meet Nick, I wondered what the hell I was going to do. I almost ruined things with my kids. That wasn't what I wanted from life.
Nick was waiting for me, fully dressed and sitting on the bed. He rose to take my jacket and pulled me hard against his chest. For several minutes, I just sobbed into his shoulder while he rubbed my back.
"I'm sorry," I pulled back, wiping my eyes on the back of my hand.
"I'm sorry too, Laura. I feel awful about yesterday."
"Nick, do you feel bad about this…this situation?"
He frowned. "What do you mean?"
"The affair. Do you feel awful about that?"
"No. I guess not. Why?" He crushed my lips with his, and I gave in willingly. At least for a moment.
"We should feel bad about it, I think." I again pulled away and sat on the edge of the bed.
Nick sat facing me, taking my hands in his, "I guess the truth is, I haven't really thought about anything but getting you into bed every afternoon."
I smiled weakly. "Don't you think we should feel bad? We're cheating on our families."
He shook his head. "You're worked up because you almost missed the kids' party yesterday."
I nodded. "Yes, I am. And this is the first time we have ever talked about my kids, your kids, or our spouses."
Nick frowned again, and I toyed with just climbing on top of him and fucking those questions right out of his mind.
"You're right," he said slowly, "but that doesn't change how I feel about you."
The lust waned. "I think it changes how I feel about you, though."
He looked up sharply. "What do you mean?"
"Nick," I started, "I can't have this affair at the expense of my kids. I just can't be with a man who expects me to place more importance on being with him."
"Is that what you think of me?" His eyes narrowed.
"I don't know." And I didn't. I loved him. I wanted to make love to him so badly I was in danger of drowning in my own juices. But the thought was planted and starting to grow.
Reaching up to touch his face, I recanted, "No. I'm sorry. I'm not making any sense right now."
Nick kissed my fingers then my lips, and I knew I was lost. My hands ran down his arms and feverishly worked to undo each button on his shirt.
He responded by laying me down on the bed, leaning over me, kissing my neck. Pulling his shirt off, my fingers traveled the landscape of his smooth, muscular chest, stroking his skin before reaching down and pulling his hips hard against mine. I didn't just want to make love to him…I wanted to fuck him…hard.
"Laura," he breathed agonizingly in my ear, "Laura, I need you…I need this…"
He pulled my shirt off and reached behind me to unfasten my bra. His lips trailed from one nipple to the other. I could feel the vibrations in his throat as he moaned while taking me in his mouth.
My movements were desperate as I pulled his jeans off and removed my own. His boxers and my panties joined the rest of our clothes on the floor as we made love for the last time.
Tears from both of us sizzled on my cheeks. Nick collapsed onto his back, pulling me into his arms and together, both of our bodies were wracked by sobs for what seemed like a very, very long time.
We knew. It was over between us. You know that saying, "Quit while you're ahead?" Well, it sucks. Here was the most passionate moment of our relationship, raging with white hot emotion and lust, and we were ending it.
As we walked out of the hotel room, Nick's voice was choked with sorrow, "Laura, I love you."
I started to cry again, falling back against my car. Nick held me for a moment, then said good-bye and drove away. I waited until the tears quit falling before getting into my car and heading home.
A very important part of me died that afternoon. For the next few months, I moved from class to class like a zombie. Nick and I would catch each other's eyes from time to time, but we said nothing. We avoided each other, knowing that it would take very little to drive us into each other's arms, and that could not happen again.
I spent the afternoons we used to make love staring out of my office window. One day, I was doing just that when I heard Nick's voice in the doorway.
"Hey."
"Hey," I responded carefully. It was unnerving how that one word held so much meaning.
Nick shifted from one foot to the other and jammed his hands in his pockets, "I've taken a job on the east coast."
"Oh," was all I could come up with.
"Yeah. I leave next week. I just wanted to tell you that." His face was flushed, blue veins throbbing beneath his skin.
"Oh." I was afraid to say more. If I opened my mouth, I might beg him not to move…to stay…to meet me at our hotel in ten minutes. But I couldn't. If I did, it would never end. And it had to end, no matter how much I wanted to keep going.
Nick frowned as he nodded, then left my office. It was the last time I ever saw him. I was convinced that he took my heart with him that afternoon.