The door was still open in the morning. Alan and I moved around the room like zombies, trying to pack and get the kids dressed. Neither one of us said anything. I suppose it was up to me to start, but I had nothing to say. No brilliant plan worked things out in my head overnight. I just knew I had to go home.
We took our luggage to the front desk. We had an hour until the bus arrived to take us to the airport, so we had breakfast in the food court. I watched as families all around me raced about, eager to start their vacations. It only made me feel worse. I was making such a martyr of myself I checked my palms for signs of stigmata.
So there you have it. I've come full circle. I arrived unhappy and was leaving unhappy.
"So, what happens now?" Alan said quietly.
Bitter tears stung the back of my throat. "We go home."
"To Mike?" He frowned.
I noticed that he didn't mention Susan. "No, just home."
His hand closed over mine. "Laura, I'm sorry if there's anything I did to…to…" He couldn't finish. And why the hell should he? I couldn't blame him for anything other than making me feel wonderful.
"Alan, there's nothing for you to apologize for. I just have to be on my own for a little while. I have to think. I'm the one who made a colossal mess of things." I looked at him for a moment, unsure of whether to say anything more. "Alan, what if it had been Jack?"
His eyes grew wide in astonishment. "Is that what this is about?"
I quickly shook my head. "No, but it's there. Look, I've really, really screwed things up. I know it seems cliché, but I just need to spend some time alone with my kids. I have to figure out what kind of person I want to be. Not just a wife, or a lover, or a teacher, or even a mother…but what kind of person. I'm not my favorite human being these days."
Alan replied, "I know what you are. A vibrant, intelligent, funny woman who loves her kids. And I want to be with that woman."
I laughed harshly. "She doesn't exist. At least, in my mind, she doesn't. I can't let you have someone who hates herself."
The ride to the airport was anticlimactic, to say the least. The girls sat together, holding hands while the boys gazed sadly out the window. Alan sat beside me, his arm around my shoulders. But neither of us spoke.
All of us were flying the same airline, but from different gates. Alan tipped the sky captain for all of our luggage, and all six of us went through the tedious security checks. Finally, we stood at the junction between our two terminals.
"This isn't good-bye, Laura," Alan whispered in my ear as he held me. "I'm still going to marry you."
The tears I'd been holding back flooded my eyes as he kissed me softly then turned with his kids and walked away. Clara and Rory were crying too. Great. Some vacation. Somehow, we made it to our gate. I sat on a bench, both children curled up on either side of me. We must have looked very strange to everyone else, but I didn't care. Ooh, how brave of me.
"Mommy?" Rory said as we settled into our seats on the plane, "where are we going to live now?"
I ran my fingers through his hair, then buckled his seat belt. "At home, for now."
I was relieved when he didn't press me on this issue. Shortly after the plane took off, both of my kids fell asleep.
Looking out the window, I wondered if Mike would even be at the airport. I left a message that morning, telling him our arrival time. I guess once we landed, we would know if we needed a cab or not.
Home. Where was that exactly? For an immediate definition, it would be Ohio. But I couldn't live there. Not anymore. Mike might behave himself or even move out. But it would never be the same. I needed to find another place.
I guess I turned out like the other adulterers in my thesis after all. Granted, I wasn't about to commit suicide ala train. How could I let this happen? I guess it didn't matter. I couldn't undo the past, and I don't know if I would if I could. The most important thing to do would be to make everything work out for the kids. Once they were okay, I might allow myself to focus on my own happiness.
Alright, so what makes me happy? Alan's face immediately came into my mind, and I smiled for a moment. Then I shook my head like erasing an etch-o-sketch. I needed to think about him too, just not now.
All too soon, the plane taxied to a stop at the airport. And sure enough, Mike was waiting at the baggage claim. I couldn't help but smile when the kids ran to him. He was their father. An absent one, but their father nonetheless. I winced when I thought of the mistake I almost made. Mike would never be able to see them in New Mexico. I pushed all thoughts of Alan and our failed dream out of my head as we collected the luggage and piled into the car.
The house loomed ahead, and the kids squealed with delight. Well, I was home. That's what I wanted, right? Mike and I didn't speak to each other as we herded the kids and luggage inside. I'd noticed the couch in the family room was made up with a pillow and blankets.
Later on that night, as I lay alone in the bed I used to share with my husband, I thought about Alan, Alice, and Jack. I pictured each one of them in my mind, and then banished them to my heart for a while. I didn't need any more people in my head than I had room for.