38. Colm’s Confession

After Frosti’s death, Colm spent a long time thinking about sin and salvation. Sometimes he felt his sins lying on his belly like an undigested meal, other times it seemed a great hollow emptiness lay beneath his heart. Colm had seen a toad swallow a poisonous insect then vomit up its entire stomach to get rid of it. Colm’s sins were poison, he thought, and he wished he could vomit them out. Finally he decided to talk to Ljot about these matters. “There are some things on my mind,” he began.

Ljot nodded. “Would you like to talk about them?”

“I have done some bad things in my life.”

“All men are sinners. Shall I hear your confession?”

Colm looked at the bright young man before him. He remembered advising him on how to avoid a feud with his brother. It was hard not to see Ljot still as a child. “I don’t know,” he said.

“Perhaps you would like to talk to one of the other priests. Who usually hears your confession?”

Colm had gone through the motions of confession once or twice but he had never trusted any priest with the memories of the sins that haunted him. He had been silent so long and become so used to being silent that his jaws would stick and his tongue freeze if he tried to speak of these matters. Colm grasped the coin of lies that he wore around his neck.

“Is that a cross?” asked Ljot.

“No. It is a coin, something I got years ago. It speaks to me of truth and lies.”

“May I see it?” Colm leaned forward and Ljot took the coin into his hand without removing it from Colm’s neck. “I see. It is false coin, isn’t it?”

“Yes. I got it raiding.” He paused. “I killed a man then. He did me no harm, just a poor man who got in the way of my robbery.” Ljot nodded but did not speak. Colm went on, “I think this coin has grown heavier over the years with the wrong things I have done...” He choked then and could not go on.

Ljot hefted the coin. “Many men bear heavier burdens than you, I think. Still, it is not for anyone else to judge the weight of your sin. God will forgive you for that killing if you ask him.”

“I may have wronged my son.”

Ljot nodded. “I think you had good intentions. You were trying to avoid bloodshed. You did not sin by protecting him.” He meant when Colm sent Geirrid away, after he had cheated Frosti. Ljot looked at Colm and waited for more. But Colm could no longer speak. His throat had closed completely and no word could issue from his lips. Finally he nodded. Ljot dropped the coin and sat back. “So is there something else?” Colm sat in silence for a time, then, finally, shook his head. “Then, you must pay a penance.” He named an amount of silver and Colm nodded. “All right,” said Ljot, “You are absolved.” He made the sign of the cross on Colm’s forehead. “Go and sin no more.”

Colm slipped the coin back under his shirt, feeling it hang about his neck like a noose.

“Do all those with unabsolved sins go to Hell?”

“Perhaps.” Ljot cared little for theology; he was more interested in seeing people live righteous lives.

“What of those who died pagan?”

“Ah!” Ljot thought that he understood Colm’s worry now. This was a great problem for all those whose parents and kin-folk had not converted. “The righteous among them will be saved. People will not be tormented because of their ignorance of Christ. God is not unjust.”

Colm was uncertain about this. “What about those who were Christian but were taken by raiders and never saw this land become Christian?”

“Someone you knew?”

“A man who was a good friend to me. He never did harm to anyone. I would not like to think he is in eternal torment.”

“Then pray for his soul.”

“Pray?”

“Yes. God hears your prayers.”

“All right. Suppose I made a donation as well? Besides my penance fee.”

“That, too, would be useful. I, and other priests, will pray for the relief of this man’s soul. What was his name?”

“Edgar. He was English, one of Bjorn’s slaves. Can God identify him from that?”

“Of course. God knows all.”

Then why does He need my prayers to remind Him of this soul, thought Colm. He said, “Then I would like to start the prayers immediately. I would not have this man suffer another day in Hell.”

Ljot smiled. “It will be so.”