We were all cross after Pitiful Pete’s latest failure. Most people had spent the afternoon sulking, but, you know, when everybody is in a bad mood together, it ends up being fun.
We’d all spent at least an hour complaining about how rubbish our lives were, and then the adults had spent several more hours enthusiastically whinging on about how glorious life used to be – before the monsters came out of the sea, that is. Lana had managed to start several arguments by reminding everybody that the sea levels rising was all the adults’ fault anyway, and that if they’d taken better care of the world then the monsters would have stayed where they were and climate change wouldn’t have happened in the first place. She’d had a great afternoon.
Me, Kate and James had spent that time more sensibly, by cutting a hole into the Jellyfish’s surface and then stuffing it with spiky bits of rubbish. We’d had a wee in there too, in the hope that we’d poison the creature. Now we were all in the Big House listening to the evening lecture by Old Albert. He was on classic form tonight, his eyes raised to the ceiling with an expression of extreme sorrow.
‘They all died horribly, terribly and in agony. Their limbs were wrenched apart, eyeballs pulled out of their heads, faces shredded off, skin peeled away . . .’
There were sighs and a few tuts. Other people were openly chatting.
‘We must be thinking on the ways they died, so we can think on our own horrible, brutal deaths. It’ll be soon! You mark my words, you’re all going to die soon.’
Lana rolled her eyes and gave a loud yawn. Kate tilted her head and nodded sympathetically. She also made direct eye contact with Albert, which is difficult as his eyes can be unpredictable. We’ve told her before never to do that, because just one person who is prepared to at least pretend they’re listening is all Albert needs. Everyone else had zoned out.
‘Do you want some water?’ whispered James. He was holding a can of water in his hand, and had three more in front of him.
‘No, you’re all right,’ I said.
‘There’ll be blood. Lots and lots of blood. The streets will run with rivers of your blood . . .’
‘Sounds like Albert reckons we’ll get off here at least, then,’ said James. He raised his can and slurped the water loudly.
Lana yawned again. This time her mouth stretched so far back that she exposed all her teeth. She had to shake her head afterwards, such was the power of her yawn.
‘Your flesh will be ripped from your bones, your hair will be torn from your scalp and your clothes will be ripped off. You’ll be naked, and bloody . . .’
‘He looks pleased about that,’ whispered James. It’s true that Old Albert was getting quite enthusiastic about his Dire Warnings tonight. There were white flecks of spit at the corners of his mouth as he continued:
‘Naked, and dragged down to the depths to be drowned slowly and eaten. Your bones picked clean, and the human race finished . . .’
Even Kate was starting to look bored. She still had her eyes pointed at Albert, but she was fiddling with a loose thread on her jeans, and I was fairly sure she was no longer listening.
‘There will be no more humans, and the world will return to the fish and the animals, the way it was before Eve ruined things in the Garden of Eden. There’s no time to repent your ways. You were born evil, like all humans, and now jellyfishies will kill you and return the world to nature.’
He paused and licked his lips. Quick as anything, Dr Jones leapt up. ‘Thanks so much, Albert,’ she said. ‘Very thought-provoking . . . umm, insights.’
‘We’re all going to die,’ Albert reminded us. ‘We’re going to die, killed by jellyfishies, those same ones what attacked the rest of the world. Like the one we’re standing on.’
‘Ah, um, Albert.’ All around us there was a hush. Conversations stopped, and heads twisted round. This was a controversial point, and might just make the evening interesting. You could see the internal conflict in Dr Jones. Her mouth was half open, her hand raised. You could almost see her mind ticking over as she swayed between thanking him for his lecture just to get rid of him, and starting a fight she was bound to lose. She puffed air into her cheeks, and then blew it out slowly.
‘No, sorry, Albert, this almost certainly isn’t a jellyfish.’ She pursed her lips and you could see she was already regretting her decision. ‘And, while we’re on the subject, Albert, I’m not sure that your description of the . . . erm . . . attacks is quite accurate.’
‘It was horrible ’ Old Albert started again, this time with relish. It was unusual for him to have an interested audience. ‘Jellyfishies rose up to the surface, millions of them, in the dead of night, attacking everything living on the sea. Crushing all the boats and ripping babies out of their mother’s arms. There was crying and shrieking. Oh, the wails were terrible. And the oceans were red with blood.’
‘The creatures to which you’re referring, whilst they may be related to jellyfish, are nevertheless distinct organisms,’ said Dr Jones patiently. ‘They appear to be solitary animals, unlike jellyfish. There certainly weren’t millions of them.’
‘Everybody drowned, all the sinners. Only the pure were left, but not for much longer, because you’re all going to die . . .’ Albert raised his arms to the ceiling and then waved them round the room to make sure we knew that it was us he was talking about. He didn’t need to do that, though, because his point was clear.
‘OK.’ Dr Jones was on a roll now. ‘I was there, as was everybody else in this room. All of us were taken during one of those attacks, which is why we’re here now. There was no blood at all, because as the creatures rose out of the sea, they just tipped us out of the boats and absorbed any humans who fell into the water. There was no ripping of flesh, no hair pulling, no eyeballs being sucked out and no limbs being pulled apart. There was also, Albert, and I feel like we’ve talked about this before, there was also NO nudity. Why you think a species of scyphozoa would have an interest in removing your clothes, I have no idea.’
‘. . . naked as the day they were born, they returned to Hell, where the human race belongs. All the sinners . . .’
‘Nope. No nudity. We’ve still got our clothes on now, Albert, haven’t we?’
‘. . . and they devoured the flesh of all the humans. They preferred the young ones, for their juicy, fresh meat . . .’
‘And, again Albert, we’ve got no measurable evidence for any of these statements.’ Most of the audience avoided eye contact at this point, but it was true, technically. We hadn’t definitely seen it devouring anything. Just, you know, those slowly disappearing shapes beneath us.
‘And it seems unlikely that they have a preference for age or, just in case it comes up, gender.’
‘. . . they liked to rip apart the women, tearing at their breasts and pulling off their hair, a sign of women’s vanity . . .’
Dr Jones gave a very loud sigh. ‘Their breasts? Again, I’m unclear what evidence you’re using to base your hypothesis on.’
James gave a snigger.
‘Are you laughing because they said “breasts”?’ I whispered. ‘Absolutely!’ he whispered back. He was leaning back now, gleefully watching the whole performance and openly grinning. ‘Breasts!’ he repeated.
On my other side, Lana had her eyes open wide, and was making an effort not to show any emotion at all, which was giving her face a weird, stretched expression. I knew this would be a conversation we’d be analysing a lot tomorrow.
‘Look, Albert, what we know is very limited. The facts are few, because there simply wasn’t time for detailed scientific analysis before the world . . . well . . . ah . . . went into chaos.’
‘We don’t need no scientific gobbledegook to tell us . . .’
Dr Jones started talking more loudly. ‘Probably as a consequence of sea levels rising or climate change, creatures emerged from the deepest parts of the sea. They attacked ships in hefty numbers, though there were never “millions”, Albert. Their route of travel was never predictable, but they were able to travel quickly and silently, absorbing all life within their path. Fish as well as humans. We don’t think they could discriminate.’
‘. . . crushing ferries, destroying the world . . .’
Lana had given up and was openly grinning now. We never talked about Before, or about what had happened, so it felt like this was an exciting, forbidden moment where Albert was breaking loads of rules. Dr Jones spoke even more loudly. ‘They didn’t destroy the world, Albert, as you can literally see on a daily basis. And they didn’t even go on to land at all. The coastal erosion there is as a consequence of human failings and environmental disaster, not animals.’
‘. . . and they brought their fishy friends with them to do their work, destroying and eating any of the disgusting humans left behind. Torturing them, twisting their minds, pushing their pincers into their brains . . .’
‘If we’re on to kriks now – and it’s a little hard to tell from that description, Albert – then there is no evidence to suggest that the two are connected.’
‘What?’
‘Eh?’
There was general incredulity in the audience. Quite a few people were starting to interrupt now.
‘Yes, yes!’ Dr Jones raised her hands for quiet. ‘I know that they appeared at the same time, and both probably emerged as a consequence of sea levels rising – but that doesn’t mean they’re connected.’
Old Albert gave a phlegmy cough. He hacked and hacked, so that you could really hear the rising bubbling mucus at the back of his throat. It was a masterful debating technique, because most of the audience were so revolted they had to grimace and flinch instead of shouting. ‘Look here, Missy,’ he said, waggling his finger at Dr Jones. ‘We don’t need your scientific whatnot here. When two different monsters come out from the depths of Hell, we know they’re together and we know what it means . . .’
Dr Jones nodded, her lips pursed, and walked off, defeated.
‘It means we’re all damned, that’s what it means. Mark my words, and think about your coming death. Do you want to be eaten by a killer jellyfish, or do you want to have your flesh gnawed by a giant crab?’